When did you realize that it was time to throw in the towel?

Old 06-27-2006, 08:26 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
jackson123's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: crown point
Posts: 66
When did you realize that it was time to throw in the towel?

I kicked him out Sunday. I told him last time that I made him leave that he had NO MORE chances. That was 3 weeks ago and he drank almost everday after that.
I just have this feeling of being a failure. I know that I am not but I just feel like I gave up on "us".
For those of you that have either left or kicked the AH out what was the last straw? How long did you put up with the booze?
jackson123 is offline  
Old 06-27-2006, 08:31 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
denny57's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by jackson123
For those of you that have either left or kicked the AH out what was the last straw? How long did you put up with the booze?
I put up with the booze for 15 years. Put up with extreme out of control behaviors for 2 years, the last one a series of promises to do something about what, I don't know, since he says his drinking is not a problem. My last straw was realizing I was running out of self respect and self esteem.

Take care of yourself.
denny57 is offline  
Old 06-27-2006, 09:06 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
For me I lived with active alcoholism/addiction for over 10 years. I had my AH committed not because I thought he would go into treatment(He had tried that twice before we were married) - just for the 72 hour watch to get him out of the house.
That was almost 3 1/2 years ago - It would take hours and hours to type all the things that we went through to get us where we are today. But after 15 months of living apart, we were able to save our marriage. Let me stress that in that 15 months apart, we both did some serious work in our seperate programs, he in AA and I in Al-Anon (acutally he went right into AA and it took me 9 months before I would go to Al-Anon-I'm a little stubborn - didn't think I had a problem - wrong)
But, I know now that in that 10 plus years of living with the active part of the disease, I could have learned so much from attending Al-Anon and learning info on setting boundaries, not accepting the unacceptable, etc. But it just wasn't my time yet.
If you haven't attended any Al-Anon meetings yet, I urge you to give the meetings a try - we suggest a least 6 meetings before making a decision.
Don't give up before the miracle happens in You,
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
MsPINKAcres is offline  
Old 06-27-2006, 09:18 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by jackson123
I just have this feeling of being a failure. I know that I am not but I just feel like I gave up on "us".
I am familiar with that feeling. It comes with the grieving. You've lost some dreams and it's a real loss.

My marriage lasted 17 years before I decided I couldn't take it anymore. Only the last 4 or 5 years were really bad, though. My last straw was a camping trip where he belittled and degraded me for the last time. I told him he had one month to find another place to live. About three weeks later, after not believing I would really make him leave, he came home at 9:00am after staying out all night. He moved out that day. Long story, much drama, kids involved, I was so done with him at that point..........

Journaling helped me work through much of the anger and resentment I had built up. I also went to counseling and am back at it again. It takes time.

(())

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
Old 06-27-2006, 09:51 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
One brief hour...
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I've been married now for almost 4 years and I filed for earlier this month. There really I don't think was ONE particular instance that really sent me over the edge. It was simply the culmination of things that were rapidly going further downhill than I thought possible.

I realized at one point however, that no matter what--- as long as you live with an active alcoholic, stupid $hit is going to happen. It does not matter if it's a major thing such as an arrest or a "minor" thing such as taking out the shower curtain rod and falling into the tub. As long as the person is active, there will always be SOMETHING. I decided that I was no longer willing to bear witness to or be involved in the next "something" that rolled around. I'm done with the stupid $hit.
megamysterioso is offline  
Old 06-27-2006, 10:02 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Minx1969's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
when I realized that I had worth and that I was worth more then the person I was with could offer...

As I got healthier - I realized that I had been compromising myself and my values - and that I had choices and could have a great life with out a man in my life.
Minx1969 is offline  
Old 06-27-2006, 10:46 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
ASpouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
First of all, why are you the failure?

Second, he gave up on the "us", not you when he chose booze over everything else.

Sigh .......
ASpouse is offline  
Old 06-27-2006, 11:07 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
cinderellawkids's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I am trying to do just taht now. Not necessarily forever, but as long as it takes for us to both straighten out. Ive been married 3 years to an active alcoholic and addict. The last 18 months he's been involved with court ordered recovery and spent 4 months and then 4 more months in rehabs The last 2 months it sbeen good days and bad days. This weekend it hit me, Im tired of always being prepared for anything, tired of not being able to rely on whether he was even going to be around. Last nite he went out and did not come home. Im okay with taht, but it gave me time to think and I decided that Im tired of teh craziness and I just dont want him to come home.

He's the one calling and yelling that Im giving up on us, Im giving up on him ect
cinderellawkids is offline  
Old 06-27-2006, 11:40 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
I threw in the towel when I realized all the trust was gone. I could no longer stomach the behavior that went along with the drinking. My ah is a wreckless drinker, he is a liar and it flows over into his sober life. I realize now, drunk/sober isn't two different things. I was disgusted by his behavior and could no longer "believe" his nonsense. It was changing who I was, what I believed in, how I acted, etc. I ran around all day trying to put the lies together and figure out the truth.....I was driving myself crazy. The self doubt was slowly killing me inside. I called it quits then.
sunshine003 is offline  
Old 06-27-2006, 05:00 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
I was married for 23 years. The last 10 the worst.
The last straw was when he went to prison for his DUI's and I lost everything.
In looking back I called it quits emotionally long before that point.
I became emotionally drained, I lost my self respect and just became a shell.
I felt the same way, as if I have given up, but by walking away I realized that all those years I had given up on me and who I was and what I believed in.
In walking away I brought myself back. I wasn't giving up on life, I deseved better and I was going to make a better life.
You know when it is time to go, some stay longer than others and no none can change that.
Give your self a chance to have peace in your life it is well worth it.
mfisher is offline  
Old 06-27-2006, 06:41 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
prodigal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Gotta agree w/Minx & ASpouse

You HAVE worth and you are NOT a failure. You may feel the sting of codie guilt, but that is about it. You made a step in the right direction to success by kicking him to the curb. Believe in your value and your strength. Grieve the loss of what was or what never was; regardless, grieve and then get busy living - you deserve it!
prodigal is offline  
Old 06-28-2006, 02:05 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Occasional poor taste poster
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by jackson123
For those of you that have either left or kicked the AH out what was the last straw? How long did you put up with the booze?
Last straw? When I learned, and accepted that she would never hit her bottom while we were together. I wasn't willing to "go down with the ship".

How long? Two years to learn about the disease and the effects on the family as well as my part in the dance, (and change my behavior) AND give her two chances at rehab. After that it took several months to wait for and arrange the logistics of separation. After that it was almost a year until the divorce was final.
Jazzman is offline  
Old 06-28-2006, 03:58 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Becoming a Butterfly
 
WantsOut's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
5.5 years

We have been married for 5.5 years. I realized it was over when I was actively glad when he was gone, and would tense up when his car pulled up out front. I also found myself talking to myself about how much I hated him. It was odd - like my subconsious was telling me that I couldn't stand him anymore. It was hard to accept because I'd always loved him so much but when I examined my feelings I realized I didn't anymore. I'd lost so much respect for him.

Then we had an incident, minor in terms of other things that had happened, but I had had enough at that point. I had gotten up very early so I could get to work early. When I went to look for the car keys they were no where to be found. I woke him up, he was still drunk, and he couldn't remember where he'd put them. Finally he found them - still in the ignition. he was so wasted he left them there and we're very lucky no one drove off with the effing car. Of course I had missed my train by that point and I was so mad ... I didn't speak to him or even look at him for two days. Shortly thereafter I called a lawyer.
WantsOut is offline  
Old 06-28-2006, 05:28 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
I was married 19 years. My wifes drinking, the best I can tell, was in the last four to five years. She hid it well. The last two years, things got progressively worse.....yelling, lying around the house, driving drunk. Finally, she got a DWI and I got her to go to rehab. It did not work. She began drinking again. The final straw......she began an affair with a drunk she met in rehab. That was the end for me.

Her life continues to spiral down.....two more DWI's, totaled two cars, abandoned me and the kids, her family. She is off with her rehab lover again. The person I once knew is gone. Such is the power of alcohol!
guyinNC is offline  
Old 06-28-2006, 08:40 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
DesertEyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
How long did I put up with it? Far too long. I should have left much sooner, but I was in too much denial.

The last straw. I'm not sure, there were so many. If I were to pick one it would be affair #3. My ex-wife and affair #3 came up with a convoluted plan to cover up the affair from the wife of #3. A rather expensive plan too. I was suckered into the plan partly by my wife's actions and partly by my own denial. When I caught on and refused to participate any further my wife demanded that I continue to assist her and #3 in covering up the affair from #3's wife.

I stuck it out a few months after that, and during that time I learned a great deal about the disease as a result of attending real life meetings of al-anon. When I firmed up my boundaries my ex-wife demanded that I leave, and I realized that she was right, our marriage was over and it was time I find a new life.

Mike
DesertEyes is offline  
Old 06-28-2006, 10:42 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
mallowcup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I left my first husband when I knew I could kill him if he hit me again or left me with no food or milk for our kids to meet up with his side action or his drinking buddies. I was working full time and he was taking my checks and tips. I remember looking in the couch cushions to find money for milk while he was out buying rounds. The final straw was when he passed me walking in freezing weather with our two kids to get milk and he had the girl up the street cozied up next to him in the car. They drove past snickering and I knew I could kill him and walk away. I left with nothing.
mallowcup is offline  
Old 06-28-2006, 09:50 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
survivor
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: florida usa
Posts: 25
OK, I'm new at this, but I can relate to this topic completely. I finally "threw in the towel" after after 15.5 years of marriage. I kept on waiting for things to get better...after he started staying out all night and starting to miss more and more dinners at home. Doesn't that sound dumb. That was my breaking point. And both of those things were very important to me. I guess I related them to "functional" families.

Since I have had this revelation, 1 month ago, I have also found he is involved with another woman. Just one more thing to try to bring me down and control me. Instead of crying and begging, I am seeking help for me and my kids.

I realize how much a part I have been in this. Where I thought I was "being nice" (didn't want to be a bitch, now, did I?), I was being very stupid.

I have filed for divorce, as legal separation does not exist in Florida.

I am reading so much on this site, and I can relate to it all. He has made me out to be the "bad guy", but I just don't care anymore. As these people are the enablers that help my husband continue his destructive behavior.

Thanks to all of you for being here. I don't feel so alone, but I know I have a long road to travel.
alcohol_sucks is offline  
Old 06-28-2006, 10:18 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
denny57's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
hi alcohol_sucks

just want to say welcome to the forum. if you start a new thread you'd get some more responses. glad to see you're taking care of yourself and looking forward to having you here
denny57 is offline  
Old 06-28-2006, 10:26 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: midwest
Posts: 1
about three yrs on and off. the last straw for me was trust. i felt myself becoming someone i wasnt. i questioned everything. felt like i had to check up on him, and search for the truth in everything he said and did. and id have to prove to him i knew the truth because i think most the time he convinced himself of his lies. letting go is hard, but it only gets worse. it starts with the lies, but can lead to verbal abuse, physical abuse, suicide threats, etc. its hard to leave but harder to stay.
k0342 is offline  
Old 06-29-2006, 08:04 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Followtheyellowbrickroad
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
My last straw, well there have been a few last straws actually. I kept saying enough, and then I would let him cross my boundaries again and again. One incidence involved my little boy and my AH was being belittleing and picking a fight with him. On 4 occasions now he has sought comfort from other women outside of our marriage during seperations instead of working his program. I guess, finally when I realized that there will never be a change in his behavior. It will be a continual, viscious cycle of his behavior and me reacting or not reacting to it and my 7 year old son having to see it and being afraid for his Mommy. As much as I thought I loved my husband, I don't love him enough to continue to live like that, I don't love him enough to have my son learn his ways of verbal abuse and disrespect, esentially I don't love him enough to sacrifice myself for his disease.
deettah is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:12 AM.