His sorrow
Becoming a Butterfly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
His sorrow
As many of you know, AH moved out last Friday and the divorce is going ahead. Even when he was young, before he discovered alcohol, he was depressed. He has always been a deeply emotional, sensitive person who almost seemed too gentle for this hard world. When he was sober he was very kind, gentle and patient. People used to walk all over him because he was too nice to stop them.
Now that he is living alone his pain is quadrupled. He is consumed by regret and loss and pain. He just sent me the saddest email. He has not said so but I can't help but wonder seriously if he's going to survive this divorce. I keep wondering if he might be thinking of killing himself. He has no one - no family, no friends, no one but a therapist who I personally think takes terrible advantage of him. She's charging him $160 for a 45 min therapy sesson and he's needed a lot of them since this happened. But she's all he has.
I'm worried and I feel terrible for causing so much pain for him. I know he did it himself by drinking and neglecting me, especially sexually, but I hurt so much knowing that he's out there in the ether somewhere crying his heart out, a broken man.
Now that he is living alone his pain is quadrupled. He is consumed by regret and loss and pain. He just sent me the saddest email. He has not said so but I can't help but wonder seriously if he's going to survive this divorce. I keep wondering if he might be thinking of killing himself. He has no one - no family, no friends, no one but a therapist who I personally think takes terrible advantage of him. She's charging him $160 for a 45 min therapy sesson and he's needed a lot of them since this happened. But she's all he has.
I'm worried and I feel terrible for causing so much pain for him. I know he did it himself by drinking and neglecting me, especially sexually, but I hurt so much knowing that he's out there in the ether somewhere crying his heart out, a broken man.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I watched a tape during in-patient/family meeting yesterday that was made by Hazelden that dealt with this situation. The guy who narrated it has written books on addiction vs. recovery. I wish I could remember his name ... Anyway, his take on what your AH is going through is that the addict "self" pretty much takes over the real "self." However, when the addict starts to come out or the real person starts to come out, there is tremendous turmoil. A house divided against itself cannot stand. Oftentimes, the emotional pain is too much to bear and suicide will occur. The real person underneath who is in so much pain cannot deal with it and either the addict will take over again or the real person will destroy himself to keep the addict from gaining control.
Kinda pithy, psychological stuff, but it made perfect sense to me. Addicts are so full of self-loathing and despair. When they start facing the pain they've medicated, oftentimes they cannot take it.
Of course you feel guilty. However, on the other hand, BEWARE - this could just be nothing more than an addict's manipulation. And we all know what masters of manipulation they can be. Be strong and tell him to get help. Believe me, if he's in the pain he claims he is, he'll get to the nearest meeting, detox facility, hospital, WHATEVER. Sit back and wait. See if he is really having an inner battle between his two "selves" or if he's just trying to tug at your heartstrings one more time.
Kinda pithy, psychological stuff, but it made perfect sense to me. Addicts are so full of self-loathing and despair. When they start facing the pain they've medicated, oftentimes they cannot take it.
Of course you feel guilty. However, on the other hand, BEWARE - this could just be nothing more than an addict's manipulation. And we all know what masters of manipulation they can be. Be strong and tell him to get help. Believe me, if he's in the pain he claims he is, he'll get to the nearest meeting, detox facility, hospital, WHATEVER. Sit back and wait. See if he is really having an inner battle between his two "selves" or if he's just trying to tug at your heartstrings one more time.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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The pain he lives has been there before you came into his life. Self medicating can't fix it, a relationship with you can't fix it. Keep a crisis hotline number handy and use it to get him the help he needs, just in case he communicates anything scary to you.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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It's a terrible thing to watch someone you love suffer, even if it's suffering caused by their own hand.
This is a very good description of my boyfriend, Richard, too, and probably many other addicts as well. When I ended my relationship with Richard I feared many of the same things you've expressed today.
But Richard proved to be much stronger, more resilient, and more independent than I gave him credit for. I think we codies do that a lot--we think people will fall apart without our watchful eye.
But the truth is when we step back and allow them to take responsibility for themselves they step up to the plate and do a darn good job of taking care of themselves.
When I stepped out of the picture, Richard got his life together. He chose a different path that I would have chosen, but obviously it was the right path for him.
He's been sober ever since. When I stepped out of the way and allowed his addict self to battle with his true self, his true self won, and my lovely deeply emotional, sensitive man resurfaced--stronger, sober, and more wonderful than I could ever have imagined.
Sometimes we're too quick to think all is lost. Oftentimes, it's not an ending--it's a new beginning.
He has always been a deeply emotional, sensitive person who almost seemed too gentle for this hard world.
But Richard proved to be much stronger, more resilient, and more independent than I gave him credit for. I think we codies do that a lot--we think people will fall apart without our watchful eye.
But the truth is when we step back and allow them to take responsibility for themselves they step up to the plate and do a darn good job of taking care of themselves.
When I stepped out of the picture, Richard got his life together. He chose a different path that I would have chosen, but obviously it was the right path for him.
He's been sober ever since. When I stepped out of the way and allowed his addict self to battle with his true self, his true self won, and my lovely deeply emotional, sensitive man resurfaced--stronger, sober, and more wonderful than I could ever have imagined.
Sometimes we're too quick to think all is lost. Oftentimes, it's not an ending--it's a new beginning.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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Dear WantsOut,
Almost sixteen years ago, it seemed that my life was coming to an end, and it was in a way. I was the AH, and after ten years of marriage, the last five or so being literal hell, my wife had had enough. I can tell you what's probably going on in his head and in his heart-I know that I was eaten up by a terrible mixture of remorse, regret, guilt, resentment, self-pity, and grief. It seemed like I wasn't going to make it through that mess. From what I know alcoholics are very sensitive, over-sensitive to a fault and most of us have a conscience. If he is experiencing what I experienced, he KNOWS that he's hurt someone that cares about him. On the other hand, if she had let me come back home one more time, I would probably be dead by now. So try not to feel bad about this-you need to take care of yourself.
For me, AA was the answer-not just AA meetings, although they held me together early on, just having a place to go and be with people. But it is the 12 steps that gave me a door to a new life without the remorse & resentment. Today, my former wife & I are good friends. If your AH wants someone to bounce things off of, private message me and I will give you my email address to give to him.
Regards,
Jim
Almost sixteen years ago, it seemed that my life was coming to an end, and it was in a way. I was the AH, and after ten years of marriage, the last five or so being literal hell, my wife had had enough. I can tell you what's probably going on in his head and in his heart-I know that I was eaten up by a terrible mixture of remorse, regret, guilt, resentment, self-pity, and grief. It seemed like I wasn't going to make it through that mess. From what I know alcoholics are very sensitive, over-sensitive to a fault and most of us have a conscience. If he is experiencing what I experienced, he KNOWS that he's hurt someone that cares about him. On the other hand, if she had let me come back home one more time, I would probably be dead by now. So try not to feel bad about this-you need to take care of yourself.
For me, AA was the answer-not just AA meetings, although they held me together early on, just having a place to go and be with people. But it is the 12 steps that gave me a door to a new life without the remorse & resentment. Today, my former wife & I are good friends. If your AH wants someone to bounce things off of, private message me and I will give you my email address to give to him.
Regards,
Jim
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Join Date: May 2004
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Originally Posted by WantsOut
I'm worried and I feel terrible for causing so much pain for him. I know he did it himself by drinking and neglecting me, especially sexually, but I hurt so much knowing that he's out there in the ether somewhere crying his heart out, a broken man.
But please don't feel guilty or terrible for the pain that you are causing him. He DID bring this about himself - you only chose to not allow someone to hurt YOU anymore. He hurt you - you said "Enough". No need to feel terrible on your part. I know it's hard, but believe me, don't allow that feeling to take hold of you.
You think he's out there crying his heart out, a broken man. Whether he chooses to sit and cry or whether he chooses to drink the pain away or whatever choice he may make at this point - it is HIS choice. We can only hope that he will get tired of hurting and feeling the pain and truly pull himself out of the trenches of this addiction and strive for recovery.
Be nice to you WantsOut. Love you and take care of you.
You've simply given him even more choices now than when you enabled him - now it's up to him what choices he chooses to make.
((((Hugs to you))))
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
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(((Wantsout)))- I do understand your concern for him. As someone up there stated, it is the saddest thing to watch someone continue a downward spiral of his/her own making. I can only reiterate what everyone else up there has said:
You did NOT cause this pain. He has caused HIMSELF this pain by following the path of addiction.
My AH has had a hard life. At one point (and still), he would moan and groan, cry and talk about how "everything in his life has always turned to $hit" and how "everyone always leaves him." He's spoken to me before about past relationships he's lost that obviously meant a great deal to him at the time. The fact of the matter is- HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN STOP THAT CYCLE. No one is obligated to put up with a drunk indefintely. To me if my life had brought me that much pain b/c of my addiction, I would seek wholeheartedly to change my own patterns and get sober. It is not your fault just as it is not my fault that my AH chooses to continue repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again. Hugs.
I'm worried and I feel terrible for causing so much pain for him.
My AH has had a hard life. At one point (and still), he would moan and groan, cry and talk about how "everything in his life has always turned to $hit" and how "everyone always leaves him." He's spoken to me before about past relationships he's lost that obviously meant a great deal to him at the time. The fact of the matter is- HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN STOP THAT CYCLE. No one is obligated to put up with a drunk indefintely. To me if my life had brought me that much pain b/c of my addiction, I would seek wholeheartedly to change my own patterns and get sober. It is not your fault just as it is not my fault that my AH chooses to continue repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again. Hugs.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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When I kicked my husband out of the house, he became very depressed. Not only did I believe he wouldn't be able to survive on his own, he believed it, too. I had been rescuing and caretaking for years, and he was quite accustomed to it. He surprised us both when he quit drinking and started living like a responsible adult. It didn't happen right away, he continued to be pathetic for at least a couple of months.
If you try to "help," you will almost certainly do more harm than good. My need to help was entirely ego-based. It made me feel good to be needed. Truth is, he "needed" to stand on his own two feet, or fall on his own a$$. And I needed to get out of the way.
I know how hard it is. Please try to remember that it is out of your hands. There is nothing you can do for him that will help. Live your life and maybe he will see from your example that he has the power to live his, too.
L
If you try to "help," you will almost certainly do more harm than good. My need to help was entirely ego-based. It made me feel good to be needed. Truth is, he "needed" to stand on his own two feet, or fall on his own a$$. And I needed to get out of the way.
I know how hard it is. Please try to remember that it is out of your hands. There is nothing you can do for him that will help. Live your life and maybe he will see from your example that he has the power to live his, too.
L
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