What would you have doen in this situation?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NM
Posts: 7
What would you have doen in this situation?
I have posted only once and some might have remembered my introduction post.
What would you have done? BTW - my posts will be infrequent but I can guarantee they will always be long
I work 50+ hours a week to maintain our home as AH needs to get better and can't concentrate on a job right now. I can't rely on him to work so I need to buck up and just do it. Sometimes during a week I work dramatically less due to my AH and his 'alcoholic fits' he gets into. Well, Friday I arrive home at 6:00 and let the nanny go. I ask AH how his day went and what went on. He tells me he is getting crap from his A.A. sponsor for pulling his latest stint of flying to AZ intoxicated and leaving me and the baby on Monday (the 19th). I have a hard time believing that he is getting 'crap' as I have spoken to his sponsor several times and AH has a tendacy to exagerate or flat out lie to (what I assume) get attention. AH also gets himself all riled up over conversations and has a hard time calming himself down. Eh, to a point we all do but nothing to the extreme like he does. He turns on me and begins yelling at me. Ladies and gentlemen, he yelled at me from 6:15 until 11:30 at night.
In our therapy I asked The Good Doc to give me tips on how to deal with his anger and verbal vomit. He stated for me to walk away but let AH know that my anger needs to go from a level 10 to a level 5 before we can finish this conversation. I am trying my darnest to keep calm with a baby in my arms. He accuses me of cheating, failing our family, being a little girl, etc., etc. I tell AH I am walking away but will return when I am down to a level 5. AH follows me and keeps yelling. I go to our back room (mind you with sleeping baby in my arms) to get my break. AH is still yelling and now has me trapped in the bedroom and will not let me out.
OK, now I am getting really pissed. I am remaining calm but the dude is not using the tools we were provided. I calmly ask him to leave so I can calm down. He does but then 2 minutes later he comes back into the room. He apologizes. He is not all the way calm and gets all riled up again and the yelling further ensues. I then asked a question - have you been drinking today? Ugh it is like a bull in a china shop. He grabs the baby and traps me now in the bathroom. He will not let me pass to go to another room to calm down. He is yelling and yelling and yelling. I am trapped.
The Doc has told me that things will be ugly as he is detoxing. Yea, yea I know and understand but this it out of control! I am not going to let my baby be a pawn in this wicked game he has going on! He is following me yelling at me and I am trying to look for a peaceful sanctuary. Did I feel I was in danger? You bet. Did I feel like I could have been hurt? I haven't a clue but I was sure scared.
Around 11 I am tired of crying and being put down and I go to bed. He continues yelling at me in bed. I pretend to be asleep and that seemed to tick him off more, so he would move in the bed to shake it and sigh and mutter things loud enough for me to hear - things like bitch, *unt, *itch, etc.
He use to be a sweet, gentle man and now I am sleeping with the enemy.
I hardly spoke this weekend. I wanted a calm weekend with no yelling. I really shut down. I look forward to our therapy on Wednesday.
Did I do OK? Was there something else I should have done?
What would you have done? BTW - my posts will be infrequent but I can guarantee they will always be long
I work 50+ hours a week to maintain our home as AH needs to get better and can't concentrate on a job right now. I can't rely on him to work so I need to buck up and just do it. Sometimes during a week I work dramatically less due to my AH and his 'alcoholic fits' he gets into. Well, Friday I arrive home at 6:00 and let the nanny go. I ask AH how his day went and what went on. He tells me he is getting crap from his A.A. sponsor for pulling his latest stint of flying to AZ intoxicated and leaving me and the baby on Monday (the 19th). I have a hard time believing that he is getting 'crap' as I have spoken to his sponsor several times and AH has a tendacy to exagerate or flat out lie to (what I assume) get attention. AH also gets himself all riled up over conversations and has a hard time calming himself down. Eh, to a point we all do but nothing to the extreme like he does. He turns on me and begins yelling at me. Ladies and gentlemen, he yelled at me from 6:15 until 11:30 at night.
In our therapy I asked The Good Doc to give me tips on how to deal with his anger and verbal vomit. He stated for me to walk away but let AH know that my anger needs to go from a level 10 to a level 5 before we can finish this conversation. I am trying my darnest to keep calm with a baby in my arms. He accuses me of cheating, failing our family, being a little girl, etc., etc. I tell AH I am walking away but will return when I am down to a level 5. AH follows me and keeps yelling. I go to our back room (mind you with sleeping baby in my arms) to get my break. AH is still yelling and now has me trapped in the bedroom and will not let me out.
OK, now I am getting really pissed. I am remaining calm but the dude is not using the tools we were provided. I calmly ask him to leave so I can calm down. He does but then 2 minutes later he comes back into the room. He apologizes. He is not all the way calm and gets all riled up again and the yelling further ensues. I then asked a question - have you been drinking today? Ugh it is like a bull in a china shop. He grabs the baby and traps me now in the bathroom. He will not let me pass to go to another room to calm down. He is yelling and yelling and yelling. I am trapped.
The Doc has told me that things will be ugly as he is detoxing. Yea, yea I know and understand but this it out of control! I am not going to let my baby be a pawn in this wicked game he has going on! He is following me yelling at me and I am trying to look for a peaceful sanctuary. Did I feel I was in danger? You bet. Did I feel like I could have been hurt? I haven't a clue but I was sure scared.
Around 11 I am tired of crying and being put down and I go to bed. He continues yelling at me in bed. I pretend to be asleep and that seemed to tick him off more, so he would move in the bed to shake it and sigh and mutter things loud enough for me to hear - things like bitch, *unt, *itch, etc.
He use to be a sweet, gentle man and now I am sleeping with the enemy.
I hardly spoke this weekend. I wanted a calm weekend with no yelling. I really shut down. I look forward to our therapy on Wednesday.
Did I do OK? Was there something else I should have done?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
((forgotten))
Maybe I would have walked out of the house instead of into a room where I could be trapped
I'm confused - is he drinking or not? It sounds like he is, but you talk about him going through some ugliness as he detoxes.
Is there anywhere you can go for a while?
Good luck to you.
Maybe I would have walked out of the house instead of into a room where I could be trapped
I'm confused - is he drinking or not? It sounds like he is, but you talk about him going through some ugliness as he detoxes.
Is there anywhere you can go for a while?
Good luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NM
Posts: 7
Denny - I am confused too. I do not know if he was drinking. The usual signs of slurring I did not see. However, the anger and verbal abuse have always gone hand in hand with the drinking. I would have tried to go outside for a walk but he had the baby.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
((Forgottenwife))- I remember all too well for it was not too long ago that my own AH would yell at me while in bed. I'd pretend to be asleep too. Sometimes, there would be a knife under my mattress b/c my AH was at one point, a very volatile and unpredicably violent drunk. That is NO way to live- especially with your baby.
Is there anywhere you can go (a friend or relatives home) when he shows signs of getting riled? I would simply remove myself and the baby from the house entirely. You should not take a chance on you two's physical safety. My thoughts are with you.
Is there anywhere you can go (a friend or relatives home) when he shows signs of getting riled? I would simply remove myself and the baby from the house entirely. You should not take a chance on you two's physical safety. My thoughts are with you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
For situations like you just described, it is best to plan in advance should this happen again.
If you must retreat to a room to get away from him, is there a room that has an exit to the outside? * If so, keep a bag packed of basic overnight essentials for both you and the baby, some spare cash, an extra set of car/house keys, drivers license, etc. Hide the bag so hopefully he will not find it. Should the situation warrent, retreat to that room, lock the door behind you (if possible), grab the bag, and exit asap. Try not to trap yourself in a room with no exit.
There are more useful/detailed tips at the top of this forum in the stickies dealing with domestic violence. I don't want to panic or alarm you, but, I think it would be in your best interest to read up on it. I'm not saying that he will get physically abusive, however, the signs that you described are more than there. Blocking your exit from a room, grabbing the baby and yelling at you all at the same time, well, the writing is on the wall. Learn how to be safe.
* Even if there is no room with an exit to the outside, still have a bag packed (and hide it) for emergencies.
If you must retreat to a room to get away from him, is there a room that has an exit to the outside? * If so, keep a bag packed of basic overnight essentials for both you and the baby, some spare cash, an extra set of car/house keys, drivers license, etc. Hide the bag so hopefully he will not find it. Should the situation warrent, retreat to that room, lock the door behind you (if possible), grab the bag, and exit asap. Try not to trap yourself in a room with no exit.
There are more useful/detailed tips at the top of this forum in the stickies dealing with domestic violence. I don't want to panic or alarm you, but, I think it would be in your best interest to read up on it. I'm not saying that he will get physically abusive, however, the signs that you described are more than there. Blocking your exit from a room, grabbing the baby and yelling at you all at the same time, well, the writing is on the wall. Learn how to be safe.
* Even if there is no room with an exit to the outside, still have a bag packed (and hide it) for emergencies.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Forgotten wife, in my experience when they are in that mode you cant get away from them. Even if you walk outsiode they will follow, you cant even safely with a child jump in the car and get away or you'll surely run them over. If we are talking in the moment you acted right, stay as calm as possible for you and your child. Remember he does not mean the insults he's acting out treat them as just words and they will not effect you.
In my experience they are meaner and nastier when they want to drink and are not especially if you believe they are. Eventually there becomes a fine line of even knowing if they had the drink or not. (My husbnad never slurs follows down or passes out no mater how much he drinks.)
I give you credit for going to therapy and try to work it out, but how long can you atke this abuse? Is it possible for you to stay separately until he shows some growth, no matter how long taht takes?
Neither you nor your child need to deal with the wrath of an angry dry alcoholic.
In my experience they are meaner and nastier when they want to drink and are not especially if you believe they are. Eventually there becomes a fine line of even knowing if they had the drink or not. (My husbnad never slurs follows down or passes out no mater how much he drinks.)
I give you credit for going to therapy and try to work it out, but how long can you atke this abuse? Is it possible for you to stay separately until he shows some growth, no matter how long taht takes?
Neither you nor your child need to deal with the wrath of an angry dry alcoholic.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I so agree with the suggestions given - please seek to have a Plan B in place for you at all times. You and the baby deserve the right to a peaceful nights sleep. Distance from someone who is angry for me is always best. I can't stand up to that - I go back to being that scared little girl that can't fight back. So I have to remove myself from the angry person.
Remember, this is not about you, it is his disease and his detox - remember the three C's - You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it - Maybe you can mention what happened in your therapy session.
Take care of you!!
Rita
Remember, this is not about you, it is his disease and his detox - remember the three C's - You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it - Maybe you can mention what happened in your therapy session.
Take care of you!!
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by cinderellawkids
Remember he does not mean the insults he's acting out treat them as just words and they will not effect you.
In my experience they are meaner and nastier when they want to drink and are not especially if you believe they are.
In my experience they are meaner and nastier when they want to drink and are not especially if you believe they are.
It may seem like a small detail, but what forgotten describes could be very dangerous. When someone is raging and you are cornered in a room with no escape, that can be a dangerous situation. I would err on the side of caution in this situation. Even if he is not drinking, the rages can be just as bad.
Forgotten, please take care and take what happened very seriously.
((()))
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
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My pojnt was not to not take the rage sriously, but to stay as calm as possible, because mild turns away rage, but if she was to have reacted to what was happening and not remained calm, she likely would ahve been in serious danger. "IN my experience, and only in my experience" if you calmly discuss what they are yellinga nd accusing even when it does not make sense they will more likely calm down than corner you.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
Posts: 181
ForgottenWife,
I can so relate to the position you are in. I have kept a bag packed and locked up in my truck for most of the last year and I have used it several times. Usually when I leave, I send AH an e-mail stating that I love him but can't be around the behavior and that I'm not leaving him, just taking a vacation from the behavior. I don't leave with him standing there in the middle of his rage. I wait until he has left the house.
Is there anywhere you can go for awhile, spend some quality time with your baby. Maybe a friend to hang out with? My boys and have I spent a couple of nights with a friend but if we need to be gone awhile we make it into an adventure and go on a road trip. We're lucky to have the freedom to do that because I homeschool my boys. At least my AH gets his behind into work so I don't have to deal with him most days. In your case, it sounds like it would make more sense for him to be somewhere else for awhile... is there anywhere he could go and would he if he could?
We are also going through the... AH trying to get sober and having a hard time of it... thing. I can't tell how much of his bad moods and mean, scarey and obnoxious behavior are from drinking and how much they're from not drinking. The good news is he is mostly staying away from me.
I came to the conclusion awhile back that women's shelters should be converted to men's shelters that women could call when the men were being a$$holes. They would have a car sent around to pick up the men and take them to the shelter to hang out with other obnoxious men where they would have to go to support groups together and see what it was like to have to be around men like them. Doesn't seem fair that we're the ones that have to leave. On the other hand, I've gotten used to it and even like our little road trips now.
I can so relate to the position you are in. I have kept a bag packed and locked up in my truck for most of the last year and I have used it several times. Usually when I leave, I send AH an e-mail stating that I love him but can't be around the behavior and that I'm not leaving him, just taking a vacation from the behavior. I don't leave with him standing there in the middle of his rage. I wait until he has left the house.
Is there anywhere you can go for awhile, spend some quality time with your baby. Maybe a friend to hang out with? My boys and have I spent a couple of nights with a friend but if we need to be gone awhile we make it into an adventure and go on a road trip. We're lucky to have the freedom to do that because I homeschool my boys. At least my AH gets his behind into work so I don't have to deal with him most days. In your case, it sounds like it would make more sense for him to be somewhere else for awhile... is there anywhere he could go and would he if he could?
We are also going through the... AH trying to get sober and having a hard time of it... thing. I can't tell how much of his bad moods and mean, scarey and obnoxious behavior are from drinking and how much they're from not drinking. The good news is he is mostly staying away from me.
I came to the conclusion awhile back that women's shelters should be converted to men's shelters that women could call when the men were being a$$holes. They would have a car sent around to pick up the men and take them to the shelter to hang out with other obnoxious men where they would have to go to support groups together and see what it was like to have to be around men like them. Doesn't seem fair that we're the ones that have to leave. On the other hand, I've gotten used to it and even like our little road trips now.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I would consider verbal abuse as just that, regardless if the person in a rage has been drinking. Your situation sounds bad and possibly dangerous. If it were me, I'd call the cops based on domestic abuse, period. That would send a pretty clear signal of what you will not tolerate, especially since you have a child witnessing this outrageous behavior.
Sober or not, there's no excuse to behave that way towards anyone else.
Sober or not, there's no excuse to behave that way towards anyone else.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Forgotten, what he did to you was ABUSE, flat out ABUSE. Next time if there is one, CALL THE COPS.
Drinking or not, that man is DANGEROUS. He has some very GRAVE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS and you and the baby SHOULD NOT BE SUBJECTED TO THEM.
If you have somewhere you and the baby can go stay, do it, if not, next time call the cops, and then file for an order of protection.
Cornering you in a room and in the bathroom, grabbing the baby from you, shaking the bed and calling you filthy names is ABUSE.
And please don't kid yourself, asleep or awake that baby senses the stress, and fear and terror going on.
"as AH needs to get better and can't concentrate on a job right now." that my dear is pure B.S. it is a manipulation, one that is keeping you dog tired, unable to think clearly, it is MORE ABUSE.
If he cannot afford "private" rehab, then maybe he better go live at Salvation Army and live by their rules. He doesn't need to be there, putting you through "the hell" he is putting you through. You may still end up working 50 or more hours a week to try and keep afloat, however, at least you will come home to a quiet house and be able to have quiet serene time with your baby.
My suggestion also would be to copy, paste and print out, exactly what you wrote and give that to the therapist. Stress how it made you feel. Stress how he cornered you twice. Stress how he would NOT LEAVE YOU ALONE, stress how he GRABBED THE BABY out of your arms. Obviously the therapist needs to know IN FULL DETAIL just what the heck is going on.
I must also ask are you seeing a therapist on your own also? or are you both just seeing this one therapist. Because I believe right now you each need to have your own. From what you have stated here, it does not sound like this therapist is being 'impartial' .
JMHO
I will keep you and yours in my prayers.
Love and (((((to all))))),
Drinking or not, that man is DANGEROUS. He has some very GRAVE EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS and you and the baby SHOULD NOT BE SUBJECTED TO THEM.
If you have somewhere you and the baby can go stay, do it, if not, next time call the cops, and then file for an order of protection.
Cornering you in a room and in the bathroom, grabbing the baby from you, shaking the bed and calling you filthy names is ABUSE.
And please don't kid yourself, asleep or awake that baby senses the stress, and fear and terror going on.
"as AH needs to get better and can't concentrate on a job right now." that my dear is pure B.S. it is a manipulation, one that is keeping you dog tired, unable to think clearly, it is MORE ABUSE.
If he cannot afford "private" rehab, then maybe he better go live at Salvation Army and live by their rules. He doesn't need to be there, putting you through "the hell" he is putting you through. You may still end up working 50 or more hours a week to try and keep afloat, however, at least you will come home to a quiet house and be able to have quiet serene time with your baby.
My suggestion also would be to copy, paste and print out, exactly what you wrote and give that to the therapist. Stress how it made you feel. Stress how he cornered you twice. Stress how he would NOT LEAVE YOU ALONE, stress how he GRABBED THE BABY out of your arms. Obviously the therapist needs to know IN FULL DETAIL just what the heck is going on.
I must also ask are you seeing a therapist on your own also? or are you both just seeing this one therapist. Because I believe right now you each need to have your own. From what you have stated here, it does not sound like this therapist is being 'impartial' .
JMHO
I will keep you and yours in my prayers.
Love and (((((to all))))),
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Its abuse, and if you are not careful....he will take it too another level. This is not love, its not what you signed up for!!
Do you want to continue living like this? Perhaps its time for real change?
Do you want to continue living like this? Perhaps its time for real change?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
What always amazes me is not only the progression of their disease... but the progression of ours...
We get beaten lower and lower till we cants seem to determine what is abuse and what is not... After this continues for a long period of time we would just be happy with unacceptable behavior... if they would not get worse.
Crazy..... I did not know when I was being abused ...that it was abuse and not just life.
We get beaten lower and lower till we cants seem to determine what is abuse and what is not... After this continues for a long period of time we would just be happy with unacceptable behavior... if they would not get worse.
Crazy..... I did not know when I was being abused ...that it was abuse and not just life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Cynay
Crazy..... I did not know when I was being abused ...that it was abuse and not just life.
When I first started with my therapist, I would talk with her about things my AH did or said and at some point she would say to me, do you know that is abuse? I did not. I really did get caught up in the idea that if I would talk nicely, look nice, cook better meals, remain calm when he raged, etc. I would help him realize what he was doing. I couldn't and I can't. More than that - I shouldn't have to.
Forgotten - please take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by Cynay
What always amazes me is not only the progression of their disease... but the progression of ours...
We get beaten lower and lower till we cants seem to determine what is abuse and what is not... After this continues for a long period of time we would just be happy with unacceptable behavior... if they would not get worse.
Crazy..... I did not know when I was being abused ...that it was abuse and not just life.
We get beaten lower and lower till we cants seem to determine what is abuse and what is not... After this continues for a long period of time we would just be happy with unacceptable behavior... if they would not get worse.
Crazy..... I did not know when I was being abused ...that it was abuse and not just life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by ForgottenWife
AH also gets himself all riled up over conversations and has a hard time calming himself down. He turns on me and begins yelling at me. Ladies and gentlemen, he yelled at me from 6:15 until 11:30 at night.
He accuses me of cheating, failing our family, being a little girl, etc., etc. I tell AH I am walking away but will return when I am down to a level 5. AH follows me and keeps yelling. I go to our back room (mind you with sleeping baby in my arms) to get my break. AH is still yelling and now has me trapped in the bedroom and will not let me out.
He grabs the baby and traps me now in the bathroom. He will not let me pass to go to another room to calm down. He is yelling and yelling and yelling. I am trapped.
He is following me yelling at me and I am trying to look for a peaceful sanctuary. Did I feel I was in danger? You bet.
Around 11 I am tired of crying and being put down and I go to bed. He continues yelling at me in bed. I pretend to be asleep and that seemed to tick him off more, so he would move in the bed to shake it and sigh and mutter things loud enough for me to hear - things like bitch, *unt, *itch, etc. (IF this doesn't scream ABUSE!!, I don't know what does!!!!!!!!)
He accuses me of cheating, failing our family, being a little girl, etc., etc. I tell AH I am walking away but will return when I am down to a level 5. AH follows me and keeps yelling. I go to our back room (mind you with sleeping baby in my arms) to get my break. AH is still yelling and now has me trapped in the bedroom and will not let me out.
He grabs the baby and traps me now in the bathroom. He will not let me pass to go to another room to calm down. He is yelling and yelling and yelling. I am trapped.
He is following me yelling at me and I am trying to look for a peaceful sanctuary. Did I feel I was in danger? You bet.
Around 11 I am tired of crying and being put down and I go to bed. He continues yelling at me in bed. I pretend to be asleep and that seemed to tick him off more, so he would move in the bed to shake it and sigh and mutter things loud enough for me to hear - things like bitch, *unt, *itch, etc. (IF this doesn't scream ABUSE!!, I don't know what does!!!!!!!!)
Think about this.... if your sister or friend said all of these things to you, what would you tell her? You would probably tell her to leave this abusive man. Whether he is drinking or not, he is still treating you like a second class citizen in your own home.
I think you should call the police and let them know about him. Yo shouldn't wait until the next time, because he could really hurt you!
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