ICU

Many of us codies are beginning to understand and put into practice the concept of keeping the focus on ourselves, it's our lives, we have choices, living our own lives according to our own rules (for lack of a better term) etc. And that's a good thing (sounding a bit like Forrest Gump)!

Right now, I'm doing the same thing, trying to keep the focus on me, letting go of other people's expectations of me, toxic relationships, not allowing other peoples' negativity to trap or manipulate me, etc.

But....somehow, I feel selfish doing that (selfish in a negative way that is). I'm not completely comfortable with it. Like I'm swaying too far to the "me, me, me" thing. (Isn't that what we accuse and complain about the alcoholics/other toxic people in our lives of doing)? Perhaps early in recovery, one does kind of swing full force to the otherside...selfless vs. selfish until we find the balance. But, what defines 'balance'?...where we feel good about taking control of our lives, but not losing our compassion, or ability to be there for others.

Is this uncomfortable feeling, (dare I call it guilt?) happening because it's new, or, is it my gut telling me, "wait a minute, this is not right either"?

Does anyone know what I mean?

cinderellawkids

I know what you mena, and sometimes I feel the same way. You have to somehow reach a balance with yourself, just keep trying.

Cynay

I know exactally how you feel.... but the difference I think between what we are trying to do as codies and what they do is this.

A's want everything their way true... but they get it from outside trying to control others ... the drink the enabler etc... Now as we get healthy we put the focus on us and our lives... but we are not pulling from anyone else, we are looking inside to change us.

I know it does feel selfish though and it effects not only the relationship with the alcoholic (which I no longer have) but also the relationships with family members and friends. I have had to deal with friends and my daughter not liking the change in me now that I dont focus so much on them.

Janitw

My SBXAH was a little different in that he always pretended to do everything for me but in reality it really wasn't. This made me feel like I was in total control. I'm still not sure if I was or wasn't, all I know is when push came to shove things ended up his way but he convinced me that this was what I wanted too. Am I making any sense? Now that he's gone I see his game and how good he was at it. And now after a year of tears and meltdowns it's time for me. Which feels weird because I was always taught to think of others first.

ChildlikeFaith

The difference is that you aren't doing for yourself at someone else's expense. For example; I'm not going to make what I want for dinner every night and never make what my family wants, but I will occasionally make something that I want. There has to be a balance.

The biggest thing is making decisions based upon what is best overall, not just thinking about how to appease your A. It seems we spend so much time trying to make everyone else happy that we forget that we have feelings to. It is ok to occasionally set the kids down with a movie or send them to a sitter so we can have some time to ourselves. If we're happy, then the family will be happier as well.

cwohio

hey icu - i know how you're feeling. i seesaw back and forth between feeling "guilty/selfish" and empowered in my steps foward. obviously there is a balance, but i'm not there yet either. this idea of "i have choices", treat myself kindly, etc. is too new to me yet. i see that minx is reading this thread, so i'm sure you'll get some good advice from her!

hang in there - good post!

ICU

I used to be a caring, thoughtful, extremely sentimental/sensitive and giving type of person. I used to admire those things about myself, and in others.

But now I feel those are either drying up and dying, or, being put on the back burner. My first thought now when faced with conflict is "protect me, protect me"...sadly, at the expense of others.....ok, I'll fess up....at the expense of my folks.

I'm not liking this part of me very much right now.

MsPINKAcres

For me, it's about balance - give and take - give a little to them and take a little time for me -
Can I do this for my Mom on Saturday morning, spend time with her, tell her I need to be home by 1, so then I can do what I need to do that afternoon to take care of me? Then I have serenity in my life - I feel like I have given time to her that I feel like I want to as her daughter, but still have not done so much that I have a resentment because I don't have time for what I want to do - It has just taken time and practice - lots and lots and lots of calls to my sponsor - Uncomfortable talks with my Mom in setting those boundaries, and not letting her take over my life, especially when my step-dad passed away two years ago.
Just keep giving it tries - look for your balance - areas that you can give in without losing yourself. You'll find your way,
Rita