temlin3

Hello.

There hasn't been much action on SR tonight, or at least not that I have seen. And I've been logged in for hours now. It's one of those nights where you're alone and confused, trying not think about your addictions but end up obsessing about them. I guess it's a part of the beginning of sobriety... the start of something different... changing your life & daily routine... giving up something that's been such a huge part of your life...

I'm having one of those nights, and I can't seem to figure out what to do. I'm so hyperactive, moving around the house from one place to another, trying to find something to occupy my mind and hopefuilly help me out. But no matter what book I see that I haven't read yet, what things I find on my computer (games, old files, stuff I have written, etc.), what paints and canvases are lying in my studio just begging to be "born," what could possibly be on TV (I can't even check), etc. etc. I think my dog (Charlie) must think I am nuts... He keeps giving me those looks like, "What in the world are you doing?" Scratching him on the head and letting him lick my cheek are about the only things I can actually do without struggle right now. (Although now I am writing, so that is good. And I am glad I started writing this because it is something I CAN do tonight.)

The hurdle I can't seem to get over: Maintaining the way I think and taking my motivation past the point of only a few weeks... staying true to my words no matter what happens in my life... keeping the "promises" I make to myself about recovery and sobriety... remembering that horrible feeling I get when I decide that enough is enough, and I stop using — but only stop temporarily. There's always that defining moment when I break down, when something in my life feels just "too unbearable" to handle, when the addiction inside me says, "Go for it; this is a rough time and you need to deal somehow... it's OK... one more time won't hurt." So I use again. Today, right this second, I cannot even claim one day of sobriety — no, not even today. What's insane is that when I get sick enough of the addiction and become so disgusted with myself for what I've been doing, my entire outlook changes. I quit and some withdrawal lasts a few days with depression and anxiety, but I get through it. I continue to progress in positivity and truly believe it. I feel good, I plan for the future, I can handle the ups and downs of life with ease... but then something happens, and here I am again, relapsing. At the time it seems practically uncontrollable, but I know that's a bunch of crap. I always have a choice. This vicious cycle is awful. I want it to stop.

Is this a common thing for anyone else? Or has it been a problem in the past? OR — Am I an unusual case with a hardcore addiction that takes everything I've got to overcome? Is it possible I am not ready yet to commit myself completely to recovery? Is not being ready even a factor?
*I can imagine most of you feel or felt this way and questioned these things at some point, but I haven't really had any interaction with other recovering addicts... this could very well be another part of the struggle that happens in the beginning of recovery. But regardless of how accurate that may be, these are the questions inside my head right now. I am just throwing them out there, venting my inner struggle. It truly helps me so much, and I appreciate just being able to write here... even if not one person can get through my entire post of rambling thoughts. No one has to answer the above questions... but if anyone wants to share their opinions, please do. I value ANY feedback, positive or negative.

I guess my main obsessive worry right now is the difference in my devotion from one week to another. Just this past Tuesday I had 13 days of sobriety under my belt, but there was no 14th day to count. From that night until today, my thoughts seem confusing and contradictory. I need to pass this stage, but to do that I need to take the action toward what I talk about here and feel within myself. NO MORE TALKING WITH NO CONSISTENT ACTION. I MUST learn this.

It is so unbelievably hard to stop relapsing. I have such an extraordinary respect for you all who maintain your sobriety. You are an inspiration to me, and an everpresent reason I consistently keep belief in my heart and soul that it's possible to achieve complete sobriety. Thank you all for that. (I may be in a relapse right now, but I am keeping myself in consistent connection with SR and the people here. Thank God for this wonderful place, and for you all.)

I feel that I on the cusp of another good solid dedication to sobriety, but I will take it one day at a time. I have to keep myself motivated and fight the demons inside. I have to work hard, possibly harder than anything else I've had to recover from, if I really want to do this. And I REALLY WANT to do this. I know when I quit again the time will come when I will have extreme cravings... usually about 2 weeks after I've quit — but I need to jump over that hurdle and continue moving on. I pray this is my last relapse. Maybe I need to document my exact feelings when I am quitting and dedicating myself to sobriety this time, and when I feel a possible relapse I can read it for some extra help. (It would be great to stuff that ugly feeling in a box somewhere that you pull it out of when you need help.) At this point, I will try anything to get myself together and recover fully. I want it and I need it more than anything. I will end up ruining my life and the lives of those who care about me if I don't get sober — or even worse, I could severely harm myself and never be able to live my complete life or experience my full potential. I just cannot and will not let that happen. I CAN'T.

Maybe I should get a tattoo on my forehead that says, "Addiction will kill you" or something similar so I am reminded every day just how bad drugs are for me.

I am not only a newcomer at SR; I a newcomer to admission of my addictions and their control over my life for such a long time. You all are honestly the first people I've been able to say everything to without hesitation — with no fears of being judged or negatively responded to. I cannot believe that I found such a great, supportive community with truly caring individuals... You are all such a blessing to me. Thank you. I feel better already just since writing this post.

Jennifer

Live

Thank you so much for sharing!

I was hanging around SR alot of the day for my social life too, and you are right...it's been a slow day.
I figured out DUH, I could perhaps utilize the time by whiddling away at my haystack of emails at the same time.
There is also a wealth in reading here.
and I just wanted to say hi, you can do it.
live

temlin3

Thanks for the response, so quick too! I get so excited for new messages, it's borderline pathetic.

It's great to know I am not alone in the extensive SR attendance today.

Take care, and have great evening. And — Thank you so much for supportive words. It helps.

Jennifer

Live

Hey, this IS my social life LOL

miss communicat

Hi Jennifer
THANK YOU so much for writing your inner struggle. It brought me right back to my early (earlier) sobriaty, and how it seemed I could get screwed up at 3, 5, and 14 days.

It was really helpful once I knew to anticipated tough times, and to have a plan of action to counter the obsessive mind.

SR really helped alot at first (still does!), but so did going to evening meetings since nights were the time I liked to drink wine.

Now, I have a few phone numbers and friends that are sober so i call one or 2 of them, but, I still have difficult moments.

The important thing to realize about relapse is that there are several stages to a relapse. The first thought, then the desire, followed by the planning, and eventually, the getting the drink and having it. If you can watch your thoughts like a witness, observe the stages and take action at stage 1. Call or come here to SR at that point.

The energy fades away if its not fed with desire.
Good luck!

Live

What you feed grows, what you starve dies.


and a spanish proverb: Take what you want said G*d and pay for it.


live

FriendofBill

The only thing recovery asks of you is to do it for 24 hrs at a time. No more.

temlin3

Hello Miss Communicat,

Thanks for letting me know I am not the only one who has experienced or is experiencing the relapse cycle.

[/QUOTE]It was really helpful once I knew to anticipated tough times, and to have a plan of action to counter the obsessive mind.
...
The important thing to realize about relapse is that there are several stages to a relapse. The first thought, then the desire, followed by the planning, and eventually, the getting the drink and having it. If you can watch your thoughts like a witness, observe the stages and take action at stage 1. Call or come here to SR at that point.[/QUOTE]

I hope that I can do the same with my anticipations of rough times, when I can be vulnerable to relapsing. I think if I can find an alternative thing to do when I get like that, it won't be so difficult the next time around. And if I can make it a consistent habit, I will developing a coping skill... which is always great for recovering addicts. I need to overcome the first craving period, and then I can be ready and know what worked or didn't work for the next time. (I wish there was a way we could recover completely, with no lingering addictive issues. But we'll be addicts forever, and maintaining sobriety permanently as best we can. Is that biologically proven? ... I may have just heard it along the way somewhere.)

Thanks so much for your reply and support. Tomorrow is a brand-new day, and I can make new choices. I think I will make a list of things to do when the cravings hit me — then I can see all the better things I should be doing and pick whatever I am in the mood for. I love to paint — actually I love to create, period. This will probably be my #1 alternative to relapse. It feels wonderful to let my feelings, emotions, ideas, etc. into . Plus, it's a creation, and it was created by me. Letting what's inside of you out is good, but being able to see what you've accomplished is even more satisfying. Thank you for this idea. It's truly a great one that many of us can probably benefit from. I know I will.

And as liveweyerd said, we must STARVE our addictions — then they will finally die.

Take care!
Jennifer

c'est la vie

Jennifer, your post describes a lot of what I'm feeling right now. I don't know if it's common to everyone but it sure is common to me. I was on just a couple minutes last night and didn't read your post. I'm sorry I didnt because I know how important it is to get feedback. Just to know someone out there cares, understands, and wants to help.

Since January I've been trying to severly limit my intake, but I've been waffling for 6 months thinking that one of these drinking episodes will show me how to consume moderately. It seems though that after a week or 2 week period of sobriety, the cork comes out and I just want to drink a lot. Not necessarily to the point of sickness or death or even passing out - just more than I know is healthy. It's really hurting my brain, because I feel like I'm making the choice and it's so stupid so then I beat myself up mentally about what a wretch I am and then the process begins again with another few days sober.

So here I am today clawing and scratching at everything possible that can keep me sober because I can't take the mental torture. I've started going to AA meetings, I've got a few phone numbers, and I take walks (yesterday was in the pouring rain) to get out of my head.

I wish you the strength you need to keep on this path. You are not alone.

temlin3

Thanks so much for you reply, c'est la vie. It's so wonderful to get feedback here, because you know it's from someone who has "been there, done that." (Maybe they don't understand the exact struggle, but in some ways we DO all understand the same basic concepts.

Even though we technically make the choices to use or not to use, it is terribly difficult to overcome the initial separation from our drug(s) of choice. It's hard, but we can do it. We have so many successful examples and positive thinking here at SR that we have to give it a shot, give it our all, and dedicate ourselves to becoming FREE of addiction.

I also wish you the strength to stay on this path. It will lead us to happier, heathier lives. We just have to make a solid, permanent commitment to it.

By the way, I just posted this new thread about 4 hours ago. (Although you may be in different time zone.) Besides, there is no need to apologize! We all have personal lives that need tending to as well.

Take care — and best wishes for your future! I'm so glad to have such wonderful people to share with and learn from.

Jennifer

Rebos

Hi, this is my first time chatting online -- I read your email and you told my story tonight. I am controlled by my addiction -- I can't seem to not use no matter what the consequences are.

I even enrolled in a Out-patient program, starting my second week today -- and for the 2nd time in my 5 days there I have to go in and tell them I used. I may even get kicked out. How dumb is this? Once the addiction highjacks my mind I'm gone! My husband does not know I've used since I entered the program, I am so ashamed I do not want to tell him, he is very loving and supportive -- and I deceive him.

temlin3

Hi Rebos,

Glad to see you've found this community. I am quite new, but it has been such a key benefit for my journey into recovery.

For me, the hardest part is starting out. I can stop for so long, but somehow I end up using again. I can't seem to get past the two-week mark. But I refuse to give up.

Isn't it awful to think about all the things we have done or are doing because of our addictions? It's just another thing to add on the list of goals, "REFUSE TO LET DRUGS CONTROL ME." That's a hard thing to comprehend, especially for control freaks, like me. I always felt that I was in control... until one day I realized I didn't know how to live without drugs. And making sure I didn't have to live without it was a mess of shameful behavior in itself... the lengths I went to...

Thanks for your message.We will be 100% sober and dedicated to this struggle. We have to believe that and stay positive. We also cannot beat ourselves up for the mistakes we've made. Addiction is a sick disease, and it causes us to do many things we would NEVER do sober. Hey, another reason to stay motivated in our recovery... refraining from making these negative decisions again.

Take care, I hope to see you around.
Jennifer

ndgrace

Great post
Recovery looks different to different people, I can only share my observations and hope. Posting here was the beginning this time around , but I would "slip" every week or so. Honesty with self , and others (I also feel with God") has made the difference for me, and you seem to be there. Someone from this site used "tough love" and told me to get a sponsor and go to meetings if I was serious. My husband did not want me to , and did not think I had a problem, so it took me a while to realize this is life or death and went to meetings hoping my husband would come around. I now believe in miracles, he came around, I have a great sponsor and talk to her daily. I have started working the steps and reading everything suggested on this site and at meetings and sometime into my fourth week I no longer thought about drinking! God was doing for me what I could not do for myself! It is amazing how many new friends I have now, and how I see people from the rooms when I need to the most, at the store etc.

Anna

Hi Temlin,

You'll be able to get past this hurdle. I think that stopping drinking is the easy part, when compared with staying sober. The addict mind works overtime telling us how awful we've been and how much we've hurt people and telling us how we can have just one or two drinks and we'll be fine. Or course, we know we can't have one or two drinks and we know we've made lots of messes because of our drinking. But, we can't change that and, obviously drinking again is only going to make things worse. I was a control-freak too and that's why I was so determined to control my drinking. I had to let go of a lot of things I thought I could control. Just work on it everyday. Get exercise, think positively and spend a few spiritual moments. It will make a difference.

Smyle

Jennifer..
I too felt like I was reading my words...I relapse about every 30 days and though I try everything I just cannot seem to keep it together. I have been drug free for 26 days and it feels like I am counting to using not counting my days clean....
It is so frustrating..I am determined to do it this time...I have made a point to go to more meetings and see my counselor twice a week...I do not know if it is some mental block ...I have spoke to my therapist about it and she is working through this with me....addiction is so hard to deal with and I admire those that can do it and be successful. I hope to be that girl someday.
Thanks for your honesty and for sharing your struggles...
~Beezy

aloneagainor

I take a deep breath before responding. This is difficult material that runs so deep to the core, beyond the physical or emotional or mental and into the spiritual, we can't even see all the parameters. There's a lot of faith and trust associated with recovery. Difficult for those of us so independent and invested in control. Anna is so right about learning to "let go"...

I've noticed in myself and so many others here (know we're not unique in this!) how that addict voices speaks to us loudest and clearest and is at its most demanding and insistant, right at that point of our deciding, promising, with conviction, that we're done with it, no more drugs. Right there is when it rears up and fights with all it's got, its quick, sharp, and deceptive, with vicious teeth and claws and is not hesitant to use them. It plays mean.

So you understand, you're not alone in this. THIS is why it's so important for you to attend NA meetings or find other people with whom you can relate. That's your addict thinking, telling you your an "unusual hardcore case", giving you that excuse that you're not ready yet. Because if you listen to that, you're giving in to it.

It's clear we all struggle through difficult times and clear-thinking times. Knowing what triggers you might provide you some ability to think ahead of it, anticipate what's coming, and actively CHOOSE to go a different way. Hard, near impossible, to do after you're already in that provoking situation. This is all about learning our minds and our spirits and learning ways to get around the distortion of active addiction that leads us astray. WE cannot do this in the confines of our own best thinking. Exposure to outside influence is essential to recovery.

It's good you're writing here, thinking on this. Giving others a chance to see themselves in you. I'm right there with you today. Come this Wednesday the step work group I'm in begins again on Step 1. I have EVERYTHING in order right now to proceed ahead, work the steps, attend weekly meetings, with support from NA members and SR friends and my solid long-term friends all RIGHT HERE with me, willing and able to talk with me at any time. And what am I thinking of? Finding/ acquiring/ using. Because I'm threatening this more seriously than ever before. It's all so close, which way to go. It's a struggle. ALL OF US struggle with this. It's an individual choice which path to choose. To connect, or disconnect. Amazing how clear and obvious is the best decision, yet that we still question which way to go.

c'est la vie

yep, pretty amazing.

aloneagainor

Amazing is the right word, though at the moment FRUSTRATING seems to be more directly appropriate. Our own best thinking be damned. This really is about complete surrender. So difficult when we retain self-will, keep that option open to retreat. How to get past the option to retreat when trust in others or trust in a higher power or trust in oneself is so lacking, when all we know for sure is how to run away. I best stop thinking now and go back to work. Dangerous day.

temlin3

Yes, a dangerous day. Seems like every day sometimes. How badly I want to escape right now... And it's so difficult to get my mind away from that idea. Keeping busy seems to be key. When we allow ourselves to sink into thoughts that will lead us downhill... it's not a good place. Wishing you the very best, and hoping this passes... for both of us, and everyone else out there struggling.

Take care. And I'm sorry if I added onto anything in a negative way. I just really, really, really know how you feel.

I am with you in spirit, and I send you as many positive thoughts as I can.

Take care of yourself.
Jennifer

miss communicat

Jennifer,

Don't quit, even if its a "bad" day. You can always start your day over at any time. And turn it into a good one.

Take it one minute at a time if you need to.

Best wishes!