Quick question -- need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Quick question -- need advice
I can't believe I'm posting this from work. I have to make it quick and get back off. I need your advice, but I'm probably going to write pretty vague...just in case...
My H always pays the mortgage and bills. He makes more money than me, and he just has always paid it. He's never asked me for money for this. I usually end up buying groceries, paying for dinners, etc, but definitely way less than half. OK, so this month, he told me I needed to put some money in his account from my last paycheck because he didn't have enough to cover the mortgage. I couldn't believe he was low on money, so I checked his account. There was a check for $2,000 for an attorney on there (you all know why, but I don't want to go there...). My question is, should I give him the money? Part of me says no because he spent money on a lawyer that wouldn't normally have to be spent. Part of me says yes because he's never asked me to contribute a dime toward our mortgage/bills in the past 3.5 years. I do pay for some things, but he really does most of the financing. This is a fine line to me...in one way I'm thinking that if the mortgage money is going to an attorney, that's wrong, but on the other hand, I should have probably been contributing more all along. It's really not about the money. Like I said, I should have been paying half at least all along, especially since I'm making more now. What are your thoughts???
My H always pays the mortgage and bills. He makes more money than me, and he just has always paid it. He's never asked me for money for this. I usually end up buying groceries, paying for dinners, etc, but definitely way less than half. OK, so this month, he told me I needed to put some money in his account from my last paycheck because he didn't have enough to cover the mortgage. I couldn't believe he was low on money, so I checked his account. There was a check for $2,000 for an attorney on there (you all know why, but I don't want to go there...). My question is, should I give him the money? Part of me says no because he spent money on a lawyer that wouldn't normally have to be spent. Part of me says yes because he's never asked me to contribute a dime toward our mortgage/bills in the past 3.5 years. I do pay for some things, but he really does most of the financing. This is a fine line to me...in one way I'm thinking that if the mortgage money is going to an attorney, that's wrong, but on the other hand, I should have probably been contributing more all along. It's really not about the money. Like I said, I should have been paying half at least all along, especially since I'm making more now. What are your thoughts???
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Just give him a check made payable to the mortgage company and any bills he wants you to contribute to. My thoughts, you can pay your share of the bills, but ask him how much he needs for each bill and make the checks payable to the company, not to him.
I don't think it's wrong he asked, but what I wouldn't do is make the check payable to him.
That's my advice, but I'm quite sure you'll give him a check made payable to him.
I don't think it's wrong he asked, but what I wouldn't do is make the check payable to him.
That's my advice, but I'm quite sure you'll give him a check made payable to him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I second that - pay the bill yourself or ask HIM for the remainder.
OT - I've heard some advice given that it shouldn't always be half and half when it comes to money, especially when one person earns more. Some people suggest breaking it down by percentage of earnings, or agreeing on an amount both will keep for their own use and the rest in a joint account to cover expenses, etc. If there are going to be future attorney fees, you might need to have a discussion to readdress.
OT - I've heard some advice given that it shouldn't always be half and half when it comes to money, especially when one person earns more. Some people suggest breaking it down by percentage of earnings, or agreeing on an amount both will keep for their own use and the rest in a joint account to cover expenses, etc. If there are going to be future attorney fees, you might need to have a discussion to readdress.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Personally, I also believe that "other" contributions to the household should be considered in the calculation as well. For instance, if one person does all the shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, or whatever, that counts as contribution and should lower their financial responsibility to some extent.
JMO,
L
JMO,
L
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
My ex and I kept separate accounts. We would write separate checks to the mortgage company for different amounts. We also divided up who would pay what utility bill and wrote those checks separately, too. I was fortunate that we both were financially responsible and are in good credit standings now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Look, right or wrong or whatever, one can't not pay the mortgage. TG lives there too and if he is short cash, for whatever reason, she should pick up the slack if she can. By "digging in" and not doing it, she is only hurting herself.
On the flip side of this, this type of situation TG is just the beginning in my experience. There will be more times in the future that this happens and they will happen slowly then progress and happen in quick succession. This is so typical of the disease and how it affects families and loved ones. If you are going to stay, be prepared for this type of thing.
Just think, if he never got the DUI, that $2000 bucks would be there for your mortgage and your bills. Hang on, the ride is just starting.
There are a lot of repercussions to the DUI TG .... believe me when I tell you, this is just one incident.
I have another question though, why did you not know that he spent $2000 on an attorney? I mean, although it was not "your" money, it is costing you anyway, so you had a right to know.
On the flip side of this, this type of situation TG is just the beginning in my experience. There will be more times in the future that this happens and they will happen slowly then progress and happen in quick succession. This is so typical of the disease and how it affects families and loved ones. If you are going to stay, be prepared for this type of thing.
Just think, if he never got the DUI, that $2000 bucks would be there for your mortgage and your bills. Hang on, the ride is just starting.
There are a lot of repercussions to the DUI TG .... believe me when I tell you, this is just one incident.
I have another question though, why did you not know that he spent $2000 on an attorney? I mean, although it was not "your" money, it is costing you anyway, so you had a right to know.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Boy does this one hit home for me!!!
M and I had a deal based on income proportions, I made the majority of the income and paid the majority of the bills. It was a "just" deal as well as being her own suggestion, it was fair. BTW, we split the other household duties equally.
Of course this was no longer a valid deal as her addiction progressed further into the marriage, ultimately it all fell on me, everything. (I'm sure we can all relate to the feeling that our partner bailed on us)
Did you guys have a "deal" or did this just evolve into how it is? He screwed up so now he can't cover his share, (ONLY if you had a deal).... what a pickle!
I don't think it would be "just" to tell him to pound sand unless you two had a "deal" that he didn't live up to. But in any event, I would pay the mortgage directly and start making all efforts to separate the finances completely. Separate checking accounts, savings, credit cards, car loans, etc. As well as discuss all future financial issues and get it all out on the table.
Basically go into financial "damage control" mode.
M and I had a deal based on income proportions, I made the majority of the income and paid the majority of the bills. It was a "just" deal as well as being her own suggestion, it was fair. BTW, we split the other household duties equally.
Of course this was no longer a valid deal as her addiction progressed further into the marriage, ultimately it all fell on me, everything. (I'm sure we can all relate to the feeling that our partner bailed on us)
Did you guys have a "deal" or did this just evolve into how it is? He screwed up so now he can't cover his share, (ONLY if you had a deal).... what a pickle!
I don't think it would be "just" to tell him to pound sand unless you two had a "deal" that he didn't live up to. But in any event, I would pay the mortgage directly and start making all efforts to separate the finances completely. Separate checking accounts, savings, credit cards, car loans, etc. As well as discuss all future financial issues and get it all out on the table.
Basically go into financial "damage control" mode.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
As Equus would say, EEEEEEEPPP, I'm posting from work again. I am just a straight up rebel today!!! I hope I don't get busted!!!!
No, Minnie, no savings to cover the atty.
Judy, I didn't know about the $2K to the atty because I told him I want nothing to do with any part of this. I won't go to court with him, I won't drive him anywhere, I won't call the atty to check on status, I don't even know when the dates are. Don't know, don't care.
Our finances have just evolved into this way...I've been thinking for a while that we need to address how we spend. I feel like I should at least contribute something to our bills financially. If for no other reason, he would realize that I'm really not blowing it all away like he thinks I do. We have separate checking accounts already (never put them together), and he's the only name on the mortgage. See, unlike many of you, my A has the good credit, not me!
I kind of messed up a little in college... He has the only car payment (mine was the hand-me-down), and so his car insurance is the killer, not mine (mine's like $60 every 6 months!!!).
Thanks for the good replies...I just couldn't figure out where to draw the line.
No, Minnie, no savings to cover the atty.
Judy, I didn't know about the $2K to the atty because I told him I want nothing to do with any part of this. I won't go to court with him, I won't drive him anywhere, I won't call the atty to check on status, I don't even know when the dates are. Don't know, don't care.
Our finances have just evolved into this way...I've been thinking for a while that we need to address how we spend. I feel like I should at least contribute something to our bills financially. If for no other reason, he would realize that I'm really not blowing it all away like he thinks I do. We have separate checking accounts already (never put them together), and he's the only name on the mortgage. See, unlike many of you, my A has the good credit, not me!
I kind of messed up a little in college... He has the only car payment (mine was the hand-me-down), and so his car insurance is the killer, not mine (mine's like $60 every 6 months!!!).Thanks for the good replies...I just couldn't figure out where to draw the line.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I too would make sure the money is going to actually pay the mortgage by paying it myself and asking him for his "share." Unfortunately, as long as you are married and legally bound to each other in this way, you will be sort of "obligated" to rise to the occassion when stuff like this comes up. If you don't, you too will pay the negative consequences of all this. I think it's probably just the tip the iceburg too as Judy suggested.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Judy, I didn't know about the $2K to the atty because I told him I want nothing to do with any part of this. I won't go to court with him, I won't drive him anywhere, I won't call the atty to check on status, I don't even know when the dates are. Don't know, don't care.
I couldn't believe he was low on money, so I checked his account. There was a check for $2,000 for an attorney on there (you all know why, but I don't want to go there...).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
TG -
Have you looked at your credit report recently? Do you know (and you don't have to tell us) your FICO score?
Think this is a wakeup call for you to start taking some responsibility for your own finances.
Also - maybe discuss with your hubbie the few bills you can take over each month, put them in your name and start building your credit.
Have you looked at your credit report recently? Do you know (and you don't have to tell us) your FICO score?
Think this is a wakeup call for you to start taking some responsibility for your own finances.
Also - maybe discuss with your hubbie the few bills you can take over each month, put them in your name and start building your credit.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
TG-
It sounds like nothing like this has ever happened before. You hate the thought of two grand being flushed down the toilet. If it were me, I would go ahead and make up the difference this one time. It would also be a perfect time to sit down and figure out how you want to handle finances in the future. You really should have some things in your name so that you can build up a good credit history. Bad credit eventually goes away, although it can take years, but you can speed up that process by getting some things in your name and paying them on time each and every month - maybe start with a few of the utility bills. You might want to look into a credit card and making small purchases every month and then paying it in full each month. I used to work in finance and would advise my clients to do these things. If, or when, you are ready to be on your own it will really help.
Hugs, Jo
It sounds like nothing like this has ever happened before. You hate the thought of two grand being flushed down the toilet. If it were me, I would go ahead and make up the difference this one time. It would also be a perfect time to sit down and figure out how you want to handle finances in the future. You really should have some things in your name so that you can build up a good credit history. Bad credit eventually goes away, although it can take years, but you can speed up that process by getting some things in your name and paying them on time each and every month - maybe start with a few of the utility bills. You might want to look into a credit card and making small purchases every month and then paying it in full each month. I used to work in finance and would advise my clients to do these things. If, or when, you are ready to be on your own it will really help.
Hugs, Jo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Is there any way that you'd pay the mortgage !00% of the time? Not me. His request is not unreasonable by a long shot. You may be ticked about the lawyer, but I whave to tell you I would habor huge resentment at paying the whole mortgage month after month by myself. If I did need some help with that from someone who enjoys the furits of my labor and they sqwacked, it would tick me off.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
It sounds like you are getting the deal of the century. Sorry but you don't pay the mortgage and your name is on the deed anyway. I think he should expect your help and I think you are obligated to that financial responsibility. I couldn't live with that kind of arrangement. That's just me but pride would enter itno it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I've been doing a lot of financial study, and it's a proven fact that credit cards do nothing to improve or establish credit. The only thing they do is hurt it when the payments are late. Bank loans look better on a credit report than credit cards. I'd stay away from those for now.
It would be smarter to open up some sort of savings account, even though they only give a very small interest rate, and pay yourself the interest you'd be paying on a credit card, say 24 or 21% and invest that money in mutual funds or a Roth IRA.
It would be smarter to open up some sort of savings account, even though they only give a very small interest rate, and pay yourself the interest you'd be paying on a credit card, say 24 or 21% and invest that money in mutual funds or a Roth IRA.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
