ChildlikeFaith

I did exactly what I told myself I wouldn't do. I guess the temptation was too much. I'm not making excuses. I knew very well what I was doing, yet I did it anyway.I also knew it was wrong, but somehow I convinced myself that it was ok.

Last night my girls were at Girl Scout camp. They had a parents' thing at the camp from 6:30 until 8:30. The camp is in close proximity to AH's ex-sponsor (the one that told me I'm responsible for AH's drinking, need to learn to tolerate it better, and lives with his junkie girlfriend). After leaving the camp, I listened to my voicemail. AH said that he was heading back to the V.A. and would e-mail me later. Instead of driving home and checking my e-mail, I decided to drive by his ex-sponsor's house. To my dismay but not surprise, AH's truck was parked in the driveway. He saw me driving by and waved me in.

I said something to him about the voicemail, and he said that Jim (the ex-sponsor) called him while he was on the way to the V.A. and told him that they were having pizza and invited him over. While at my house that evening before the Girls Scout thing, AH had picked up our extra TV and DVD player to take back to the VA so he could have something to watch in the evenings. He also picked up an old TV stand to put it on and a couple of boxes of clothes that he said he needed. When I saw him in the Jim's driveway, I noticed that the TV and DVD player weren't in the truck and neither were the boxes of clothes. He was working on the TV stand. I asked him about the things not being in the truck. He said that he put them inside Jim's house while he worked on the TV stand, but he was going to go get them in another few minutes, so he could take them to the V.A.

At this point, I flat out asked him if he was staying with Jim instead of the V.A. He said that he wasn't. "Why would I lie to you about something like that". At that point, Jim came out of the house and told me that he didn't appreciate people showing up at his house without an invitation. He then went on to say that if I wanted to visit AH, I needed to call first and make arrangements and receive an invitation. Of course, AH didn't stick up for me and let him know that he waved me into the driveway, thus inviting me.

I asked him why I would need to call and get an invitation to Jim's house if I wanted to see him if he's staying at the V.A. He said it was because Jim knew he was staying at the V.A. (like that makes any sense). I was very angry and hurt and said some things that I probably shouldn't have then left.

What really upsets me is not so much that he lied to me, but that 1. he thinks I'm dumb enough to believe the lie. 2. That he continued to try and get me to believe the lie after I caught him. Of course, this has now turned into being all my fault. How dare I not believe him!

He made sure to send me an e-mail this morning that said he was sure I had already called the V.A. and got nothing from them. He said that he told them he wanted total anonymity and that he had the phone removed from his room so he wouldn't be tempted to call me. I hadn't called the V.A., but he already showed me what would happen if I did, so he saved me the trouble.

Why does it hurt so much? It would be so much easier if I didn't love him so much. I want to just drop him, stop thinking about him, and move on with my life. Why can't I do that? Why didn't I just let the whole thing go rather than driving by Jim's house? Why did I think that he would stop lying once he stopped drinking?

So many questions, so few answers, so many tears.

denny57

When I put myself in the way of harm, I got hurt. Funny how I forgot the old lesson as a child - don't touch the hot stove. A good therapist helped me understand the difference between love and need.

Sometimes we have to keep touching the stove until we figure out we're better off without blisters.

(((childlike)))

guyinNC

They lie. They always lie. We want to believe, because we love them. But we know in our hearts that they lie. They lie when they don't even have too. Your husband sounds like my WW. She would do and or say anything to fuel her addiction. This meant being with people who enabled her.

Sadly, you need to make the hard decision. Put up with it, or leave.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

ASpouse

Yesterday CLF, I asked you two questions:

1, so you find out the truth that he is lying (you found out didn't you?) and the 2nd question was : what are you going to do about it?

In your case the truth hurt you didn't it? Now you are suffering.

I'm going to say one thing, you were wrong. You touched a hot iron and got burned. You bought this hurt on yourself, yes Jim was rude and unweildy, your husband was a jerk, but who hurt you? Them or yourself?

So, in response to my question 2, what are you going to do about it?

ChildlikeFaith

You are 100% correct just as you were yesterday. I can say "I should've" listened and just let it go as I know I should've, but I didn't. I was weak and stupid. Yes, I am the one that hurt myself by checking up on him and by hanging on and not letting go.

What am I going to do about it? I don't know. For now, all I can do is cry. After that, I know what I should do and what is best for me. Will I do it? I don't know. I hope so.

ASpouse

Melissa, I didn't post what I did to make you feel badly about what happened, but to seriously consider the consequences to your own well being if things should happen again in this way.

Use this incident as a learning experience .... use it to make yourself stronger against his addiction. Revisit it, not with emotions, but with intelligence, see it for what it is, recognize how it came about and learn from it and make yourself stronger from it. I believe if you do that, then you will become stronger against him and his disease.

What you should have done and could have done doesn't matter at this point, you did what you did and now learn from it. Stop crying, pick yourself up, dig your heels in and move forward. One step at a time ...... this is your life Melissa, you can choose to take it back or you can choose to let others live it and run it for you. It's a choice only you can make and I for one, have faith in you that you can do it

denny57

I also have faith in you, Melissa. You recognize what you did was harmful to you. Now you can do something about that!

ASpouse

...... and with two Jersey girls having faith in you Melissa, you'll do it!

ChildlikeFaith

Judy, I'm glad you said what you did.

I'm actually happy that you all pull no punches and tell it like it is rather than sugarcoating things and coddling me like others do. Coddling isn't what I need. Coddling just gives me permission to feel sorry for myself and throw pity party after pity party rather than taking action and doing something to better myself.

Thank you for not coddling and letting me just sit there and throw myself a pity party.

ASpouse

Well, you may change your mind ...... but I really didn't post what i posted to make you feel badly. I wanted to make that clear to you and to others who may read the thread that crying or stressing over something past is sort of, at least in my mind a waste of time, but we all do it.

I think it's better to face up to it, and most of all learn from it ..... learn some sort of lesson. You can do this Melissa, I know you can. I think it's going to take some time, but hey, we all got plenty of that hopefully and some folks take longer than others ..... whatever it is it is.

My hope for you this weekend is no contact with your H, have some fun with your girls or maybe girlfriends, watch a good movie or something that is easy on your mind and easy on your heart ...... that is my wish for you! I'll ask God to give you that gift Just for Today!

harleygirl92156

A little cold in here??

ASpouse

I take it that's as far as you read? Read on HG ..... you might understand then ..... maybe.

harleygirl92156

Now that you know the truth (and you do know) you can make a much more informed decision about which direction you need to move with your life. When all the facts are laid on the table in front of you, it is easier to sort through them and make a sound stable decision.

Don't be so hard on yourself, what you did wasn't wrong or right, it is what you did. Sometimes we all do things and later regret it, move past that and use it as a tool toward a better understanding of what you are dealing with and please use it to realize you need to take care of yourself.

You say you love him, I don't doubt that, but SOMETIMES THE PEOPLE WE LOVE ARE NOT GOOD FOR US. It is a sad fact. You can still love him, give him a special tiny spot in your heart and move on to a happier more fullfilling life. Trust me, you can and most likely will love again, just be aware, very aware that you don't replace him with someone just like him. We Codies sometimes have a tendency to do that.

For today, just take care of yourself. Do something you want to do, but never take the time to do, something JUST FOR YOU. Stop dwelling on what you did and what you found out and just pamper yourself. Take a bubble bath, eat a hot fudge sunday, watch that movie you have wanted to watch for months, go for a walk, go get a pedicure, get your hair done, blow bubbles with a toddler (always works for me) go visit a friend or relative you haven't seen for a long time, go for a drive in the country, etc. Take some me time for you.

Dry your tears, pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move, just do something and ask your higher power for guidence, then watch for it, sometimes it comes in desquise.

God bless

harleygirl92156

Oh I read it all, still think it is a little cold, but then that is your inventory isn't it.

ASpouse

Bahahahahahaha! HG, you always make me laugh! I can usually use a good laugh on a Friday ...... keep 'em coming OK?

Edited: To remove my initial comment when I realized how funny HG is! Apologies to the posters and especially to Melissa.

denny57

Alright ladies, doesn't this say it all?

edited because i replied b4 seeing judy's edit

pmaslan

I have stayed away from this thread because I think Childlike has
been given good advice and plenty to think about.
However, I do understand the need to know for sure, even though
everytime I have investigated I got burned.
I don't know how many times it will take before you can just
see it for what it is and walk away.
Until you take care of yourself, that probably will not happen.
I have done some of the things you have and have felt the pain
as well. The day I started living for me and my kids was the day
the pain started to subside....
BTW, I subscribe to the straight forward approach as well.....
all sugar coatin' every got me was a trip to the dentist....
hang in there....

denny57

I agree, Patty - it was the same for me. Proof, proof and more truth. Until I decided to focus on me it got me nowhere. This is from someone who hired a PI for cryin out loud!

FormerDoormat

I subscribe to the straight-forward approach as well, as long as there is no rudeness involved.

gypsyrose

Sometimes not knowing is harder to live with than the pain of finding out the truth. Now you have more information so you can make better informed decisions. Information is a good thing.