Not sure how to cope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Crossville, TN
Posts: 2
Not sure how to cope
This is my first post. I have been enabling an intimate friend for years as I have found out. We split after she had an episode of drunkeness where she called her old boy friend and I was devasted. I had been enabling her for a couplke years to the tune of about $14,000.00. Well I was so bad off I contemplated suicide. Her daughter called me at the most oppertune time you could imagine, and I was able to deal with life a little bit more each day. Then became involved with another woman. Although she had been the only woman I had ever really loved heart and soul, I started to move on. Then it happened. My true love called me and said she really loved me and we could marry. Well I believed her and ended the fledgling relationship with the new woman. Believe me when I say I thought I would be with my Love forever. She said she wanted help to get over the alcohol and the pills. I tooke her into my home for a few days, and convinced her to go for the in house re-hab program. She is now recovering and has been totaly straight for 6 weeks. The pain is she really doesn't want to have a relationship with me anymore. The hurt is so bad, I ma at wits end and myself have syarted to drink to be able to sleep and deal with this. What am I to do to regain my life and the love of this woman. I will never be able to let go of my Love for her. Any help would be appreciated.
Thanks
Thanks
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
First I welcome you. I am sorry for your pain. Addicts & Alcoholics are takers, they are not givers. When they see an opportunity, they jump for it. You gave her a place to live, she took you up on it.
Although she has been sober for 6 weeks, this is a drop in the bucket....their minds are damaged, it takes years for them to come out of it...and, that's only if they stay clean & sober.
You cannot force love, it must flow. I cannot offer any advice, I can only say, think with your head, not your heart.
Time heals all....the hurt will pass...
Dolly
Although she has been sober for 6 weeks, this is a drop in the bucket....their minds are damaged, it takes years for them to come out of it...and, that's only if they stay clean & sober.
You cannot force love, it must flow. I cannot offer any advice, I can only say, think with your head, not your heart.
Time heals all....the hurt will pass...
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Hi...glad you are here. Stick around and read and post and you will see you are in good company!
I do not have any other advice to give except to just take one day (or hour or minute) at a time. That is what I am doing since the love of my life just divorced me after 27yr (and 2 children) to continue to drink,etc. I just learned he has been involved with at least one other woman. I have felt low enough to consider suicide,too..but know that is not "an option"...I want to live, just don't want the pain, but it is getting better most days.
I will keep you in my prayers.
There is alot of great advice hear from wonderful people who understand completely because they have been through all this,too.
Reading and learning about addiction really helped me to see what is REALLY going on. "Under the Influence" and "Getting Them Sober" (you can read parts of that series free online for a "taste") are two books that I find particularly helpful. They (and this forum) will help you no matter what your gf decides.
Sorry you are hurting, but glad you posted!
I do not have any other advice to give except to just take one day (or hour or minute) at a time. That is what I am doing since the love of my life just divorced me after 27yr (and 2 children) to continue to drink,etc. I just learned he has been involved with at least one other woman. I have felt low enough to consider suicide,too..but know that is not "an option"...I want to live, just don't want the pain, but it is getting better most days.
I will keep you in my prayers.
There is alot of great advice hear from wonderful people who understand completely because they have been through all this,too.
Reading and learning about addiction really helped me to see what is REALLY going on. "Under the Influence" and "Getting Them Sober" (you can read parts of that series free online for a "taste") are two books that I find particularly helpful. They (and this forum) will help you no matter what your gf decides.
Sorry you are hurting, but glad you posted!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i am so sorry that you are in pain and i will be praying for you and yours
i am a recovering addict and the love of my life is still active. you are not alone there are others here who are going through this or have gone through this, who are more that happy to help in anyway possible.
after 20yrs of marriage and 7 kids, my ah chose his addiction to crack and his adulterous life style over us, yes it hurt and hurts deeply. i know that i did all that i knew how to do to keep us a float, and in the end he tells me that he's gonna find a good woman who'll have his back. i don't know what he called what i was doing. i felt used and abused. i faithfully waited and supported him while he served 2yrs in jail countless rehabs and affairs. i did not know how to go on but i found hope when i found this forum. only a few wks ago, i was insane. i found that i could live again.
like you, i found sr, looking for a way to fix my ah and our relationship only to find out that the only thing that i could do for my h was to work on getting me healthy.
i began to read everything that i could get my hands on and posting whatever i felt when i felt it and there was always somebody here to help me through the minutes. my minutes has turned into hours and sometimes days. i know that as long as i focus on getting me better then the rest will take care of itself.
one main suggestion given in recovery is that you take at least a yr before starting new relationships.recovery should be first and formost. 6 wks is a miracle for an addict but it is not enough time for an addict's thinking to be any where near clear. that takes time, and a lot of recovery work and without that, the addict will probably use again.
i know it hurts, but my suggestion to you would be to take this time to get help for yourself, find an al anon meeting and do a lot of reading, get as much info on addiction and how it affects the love ones, as you can.
the more i learned the better i felt and the more i saw how i needed to recover from the affects of loving as addict. i made a decision not to drink in order to cope because that to me is not coping it only covers the pain and can put you in danger of becoming what you don't like about you gf.
i hope all of this make sense to you, cause i really feel your pain and i hate what has happen. you may one day realize that you don't want this in your life. being married to an addict can be more painfull than you can ever imagine. just keep coming back, like before you will ger to a place where life doesn't feel so dark,
i am a recovering addict and the love of my life is still active. you are not alone there are others here who are going through this or have gone through this, who are more that happy to help in anyway possible.
after 20yrs of marriage and 7 kids, my ah chose his addiction to crack and his adulterous life style over us, yes it hurt and hurts deeply. i know that i did all that i knew how to do to keep us a float, and in the end he tells me that he's gonna find a good woman who'll have his back. i don't know what he called what i was doing. i felt used and abused. i faithfully waited and supported him while he served 2yrs in jail countless rehabs and affairs. i did not know how to go on but i found hope when i found this forum. only a few wks ago, i was insane. i found that i could live again.
like you, i found sr, looking for a way to fix my ah and our relationship only to find out that the only thing that i could do for my h was to work on getting me healthy.
i began to read everything that i could get my hands on and posting whatever i felt when i felt it and there was always somebody here to help me through the minutes. my minutes has turned into hours and sometimes days. i know that as long as i focus on getting me better then the rest will take care of itself.
one main suggestion given in recovery is that you take at least a yr before starting new relationships.recovery should be first and formost. 6 wks is a miracle for an addict but it is not enough time for an addict's thinking to be any where near clear. that takes time, and a lot of recovery work and without that, the addict will probably use again.
i know it hurts, but my suggestion to you would be to take this time to get help for yourself, find an al anon meeting and do a lot of reading, get as much info on addiction and how it affects the love ones, as you can.
the more i learned the better i felt and the more i saw how i needed to recover from the affects of loving as addict. i made a decision not to drink in order to cope because that to me is not coping it only covers the pain and can put you in danger of becoming what you don't like about you gf.
i hope all of this make sense to you, cause i really feel your pain and i hate what has happen. you may one day realize that you don't want this in your life. being married to an addict can be more painfull than you can ever imagine. just keep coming back, like before you will ger to a place where life doesn't feel so dark,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, too old to hurt
Sending some ((()))'s your way. I'm sorry you are in so much pain over this. As suggested, try to take it a day at a time. Please keep posting; you will find lots of support here.
Sending some ((()))'s your way. I'm sorry you are in so much pain over this. As suggested, try to take it a day at a time. Please keep posting; you will find lots of support here.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
One of the first things I would suggest to you is to stop leaning on alcohol to get to sleep. You don't want to find yourself in the same jam your girlfriend is in, do you? And you really can't think straight when you're under the influence of alcohol yourself.
Your girlfriend may not be able to have a relationship with you right now because she is focusing solely on staying sober. At just six weeks sober, she's probably thinking about alcohol every minute of the day and she has to stay focused on her resolve to not drink. Another reason she may not be able to have a relationship with you is because she's not used to intimacy without alcohol and pills. She may not be comfortable in an intimate situation when she's sober.
I believe addicts use because they can't face life without booze or pills. They can't seem to cope with what to us appears to be simple, every-day living. So they drink to avoid facing reality or making difficult decisions. With the help of Alanon and counseling she will learn how take care of herself and face life without the aid of alcohol and drugs. She's trying to learn new, healthier coping mechanisms and may not be ready for an intimate relationship at this time.
Of course you have needs, too, and it's up to you to decide if you're willing to wait until she's healthy enough to resume an intimate relationship with you or if it's best to move on.
Have you attended any AA or Alanon meetings? They may help you to better understand what your girlfriend is going through and help you decide what's the best solution for you.
Welcome to the forum.
Your girlfriend may not be able to have a relationship with you right now because she is focusing solely on staying sober. At just six weeks sober, she's probably thinking about alcohol every minute of the day and she has to stay focused on her resolve to not drink. Another reason she may not be able to have a relationship with you is because she's not used to intimacy without alcohol and pills. She may not be comfortable in an intimate situation when she's sober.
I believe addicts use because they can't face life without booze or pills. They can't seem to cope with what to us appears to be simple, every-day living. So they drink to avoid facing reality or making difficult decisions. With the help of Alanon and counseling she will learn how take care of herself and face life without the aid of alcohol and drugs. She's trying to learn new, healthier coping mechanisms and may not be ready for an intimate relationship at this time.
Of course you have needs, too, and it's up to you to decide if you're willing to wait until she's healthy enough to resume an intimate relationship with you or if it's best to move on.
Have you attended any AA or Alanon meetings? They may help you to better understand what your girlfriend is going through and help you decide what's the best solution for you.
Welcome to the forum.
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