ChildlikeFaith

I'm going crazy. I keep reciting slogans to myself, reminding myself of the three C's, and trying to distract myself, but I can't quit obsessing. It is driving me up a wall.

My AH claims to have checked into the VA on Friday. Since then, he has been e-mailing me regularly, calling me, and even stopped by a couple of times. He says that he is part of a program that allows him out to work and go to A.A. meetings. He is working with a friend of his and spending a lot of time at the guy's house.

The V.A. is about a half an hour away. They have A.A. meetings less than ten minutes from the V.A., yet he chooses to drive all the way here to go to meetings. There are also some other little things that are a bit suspicious. I have feeling he is lying to me about where he is. I think he's staying with his friend instead of at the V.A.

If he's going to meetings and staying sober, why the heck am I obsessing over whether or not he's really at the V.A.? Why can't I just let it go? I know that I need to just let him live his life and get better and take care of myself and the kids, but I can't get it out of my head.

Would someone please smack me upside the head or something. UGH!!!



I guess it takes awhile to reprogram the old thought patterns, doesn't it?
I haven't brought it up to him because my obsession is my own problem.

Oh, also, he's going on a mountain bike ride with some A.A. buddies on Saturday. He said that it seemed like I was bothered by the fact that he was going. I am bothered by it, but I have no idea why. I even told him that. I told him that it bothered me, but since I had no good reason for it to bother me, it is something I am going to have to work through on my own, and he needn't worry about it.

denny57

Hi Melissa

I can't remember- do you go to Al-Anon? If so, up your meetings if you can. If you not, have you thought about it?

Other than that, all I can suggest is telling him not to do all of these things he is doing. If that is a boundary you want to put in place, let him know it. Other than that, I don't know what to suggest. No contact with my AH is all that has helped me.

ChildlikeFaith

Yes, I go to Al-Anon. Unfortunately, we only have four meetings a week in my town, and only one fits with my work schedule. I would love to go to more if I could. Sadly, that isn't an option. This is why I began to hang out here.

denny57

Ok, I sometimes forget - I live in an area where there are so many meetings to choose from every day of the week, so my apologies.

How about working the phone? Can you do that? If SR is what you have right now, then that's good, too. I suggested the other because it's more immediate.

I wish I had more to offer you, but I also used to obsess and like I said, no contact was all that worked for me.

(())

ChildlikeFaith

Unfortunately, there is no one I can really call. SR is about it for now. Sometimes, just reading through all of the posts helps.

I guess it is progress just knowing that I shouldn't be obsessing, right?

Six months ago, I would've obsessed and thought I was doing the right thing. In fact, I'd have been calling the V.A. to check and make sure he was really there.

Zoey

I have been in your shoes, no fun, mine just had to run its self out.
I read books about PI's, to stop my mind. I didn't have access to meetings at the time. I don't have any words of wisdom, but you are not alone.
I want to send a hug!! Hang tight, maybe read every thread from today, and add something where you relate. Helping others is good medicine.

denny57

Baby steps are good. Hang in there and hope things are better today.

harleygirl92156

Why is it wrong to check out if someone is tell you the truth?

The truth will only help you make a fully informed decision on what you need to do.

Can someone explain to me WHY checking to see if AH is being truthful is wrong? I guess that is one concept I never understood.

ASpouse

What is the truth going to get her at this point? She needs to live her life as she should whether he is being truthful or not. It should not change her circumstance at all.

harleygirl92156

See that is really my point I guess. She seems to be hanging on, maybe the truth would allow her to finally let go OR if he is being honest, let her know she does have a reason to hang on. Making and informed decision. Just my thoughts I guess.

ASpouse

I'm not going to revisit this with you again HG ..... what I say is my opinion only. For me to be so obsessed over whether someone is telling me the truth or not limits or stunts my growth as a human being.

If childlikefaith chooses to obsess over whether he is telling her the truth or not, then that is fine. It's not the way I would choose to recover. If someone things so little of me that they lie to me, then I don't want to be bothered with that person. For "ME" it's that simple and that hard at the same time.

ChildlikeFaith

Thank you. This is exactly it, obsession inhibits recovery. I don't want to obsess. I want my mind off of it. I'm trying so hard to let it go and not think about it. He isn't living in the house, therefore, his lies shouldn't be my problem.

If our marriage is meant to work out, then it will all come to the surface. He cannot effectively work on his recovery if the lies continue, but his recovery is just that, HIS recovery. Right now, I need to focus on myself and my kids. I can't keep focusing on him and whether or not he's lying.

Thank you all for helping me through this

Jazzman

I spun my wheels obsessing over the truth. I wasted a good two or three months. It really didn't matter and I'm glad I let go because I was getting nowhere.

harleygirl92156

Why is it that you can have your OPINION, but my opinion (often different from yours) it blown out of the water? My opinion isn't the same as yours, but that doesn't mean either of us is wrong or right, just that we are different. Isn't that what makes the world so interesting in the first place. It would be a pretty boring world if we all had the same opinion.

MsPINKAcres

Another opinion
"Each person's HP will let them know what they need to know when they need to know it." - not an exact quote - from ODAT in Al-Anon.
If you can't make an Al-Anon meeting, try an open AA meeting. Not the same meeting that your A goes to, but a different one - sometimes those open AA meetings can help when you can't make it to an Al-Anon meeting.
Getting the focus off them and back on us helps restore us to sane living.
just my E.S. & H.,
Progress not Perfection,
Rita

ASpouse

Exactly Jazz, it really doesn't matter and spinning our wheels just gets us stuck where we are.

Cynay

If your anything like me it would not matter.

When Im in obsess mode "spinning" it does not matter if I check up on them, I will just spin about what I found out.

Usually when I start that I try to find someone to help, reaching out to others takes my mind off what Im obsessing about.

Just a thought

ChildlikeFaith

I've never gone to an A.A. meeting. What are they like? I'm not sure if I could handle being in a room full of Alcoholics, especially men.

Have many of you gone to A.A. meetings? What are the similarities/differences to Al-Anon meetings? Will they make me introduce myself or talk? The biggest Al-Anon meeting I've been to has had 7 people in it, the A.A. meetings are much larger. When they find out I'm Al-Anon and not A.A. will they not want to talk around me? If I'm going to go to one, my agoraphobia dictates I find out this kind of stuff first. Can you help me?

Yes, you are exactly right. The obsessions won't stop, they'll escalate if I give in. If i dig for information about one and find out he is lying, then I'll have to dig more to find out what he is doing instead, then I'll dig more about whatever I found out, and so on and so on. It doesn't stop with the first piece of information.

ASpouse

That's exactly right Melissa ...... it never stops and you never find peace for yourself. It's a vicious cycle that hurts, so in essence you are only hurting yourself.

ASpouse

Melissa,

Say you found out that your husband is being less than honest with you about going to AA meetings and the VA. So you now know without a doubt that he is lying.

First, what are you going to do about it? and second, how is it going to help you?

AA is like Al Anon .... not all meetings are for everyone. Perhaps he is looking for a Beginners Meeting and that one is held closer to you and not to the VA. Perhaps a Step Meeting is what he is concentrating on .... it is very possible he needs to travel to go to the meeting he needs on that particular day.

My husband travels 25 miles to go to his home group meeting and he might even travel further to go to a Big Book Meeting or whatever. Bottom line is, he travels where there is a meeting that he feels he needs to attend.

Just something else to think about and it shows how much you are really still obsessing on him and not on you.