Tally

I come here everyday and read and read and read...

Nearly every story/post I could take a sentance out of and it could be describing my life..

For example --

Now, my ABF says he doesn't "mind" me coming here, but when he's drunk and in a bad mood then the tables turn and I "let that place fill ur head with BS" and "you read there too much", "you'll never find out about me by reading there"...

My point/question is, are they really all the same? Is there a pattern of behaviour that alcohol "programmes" you to do?

I read about others A's here and I'm reading about my ABF, the same pattern of behaviour down to a T, but he refuses to see it....maybe he can't see it.

I now know when the rages and bad moods are coming, I can see them forming, I know when to expect them..

I'm having ALOT of trouble detaching, I can ignore the arguments and the remarks but I'm getting REALLY sick of hearing "sorry" the next morning...it means SFA at the end of the day!

My birthday was ruined last weekend, my night out spoilt because he got drunk and started on me, I didn't even get a card, of course, he made it to the shop for his booze though. Lol, why was I dissapointed?

How do you get your self worth back and ur self esteem when it's completely vanished, does it take leaving him to get it back?

How can I make myself be "not bothered" about his actions?

Sorry, I'm rambling, head is full of thoughts....

Guess I'm feling sad, my daughters birthday is tomorrow, mine was last week, I'm feeling old!!!

He wouldn't even help me blow up balloons this evening, just went to bed and left me to it because he needed a nap, nor will he come out with us tomorrow for her birthday, I feel single!!

Also, does anyone elses A repeat things constantly? Not so much words, but actions? Like my ABF watches/listens to the same thing over and over again and it does my head in...

We got It's A Wonderful Life on DVD last week, we watched it together, two nights later he wanted to watch it again and got a total mood on because I wasn't jumping for joy and said I didn't wanna watch it, he watched it twice the next day, one after another, and then again the day after....he listens to the same songs over and over again too....ARGH! lol

denny57

For me it was asking my AH to leave. No matter how great my self esteem was in the past, the last 2 years he was in this house wore it down. I am finally seeing the "old" me.

I don't think "they" are all the same; I just can relate to many similar behaviors that others post. I've noticed some posters say the alcoholics in their life don't do any of those things. I've also noticed that almost all of the spouses I know through Al-Anon who have stayed with their mates also do not tolerate verbal, emotional or physical abuse, or any out of control behavior. Just an observation.

LaTeeDa

For me, once I came to the realization that this is my only shot at life, and it was not a happy one, I decided to change it. It wasn't easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.

L

Tally

It's proper crap isn't it. I don't wanna split with him, I want how it used to be, but it's progressive and looking back I can definately see it worsening, I don't wanna walk away but I don't wanna deal with this crap too.

But I wanna get better and get back to being me, just not sure if it's possible whilst we're still together...

megamysterioso

Patterns of behavior are pretty predictable with the A I think. It all is a vicious cycle and if since this is a progressive condition, I really don't think you'll be seeing the "man you once knew" for quite a while. You've been posting here for a while and from everything I read about your man, I honestly don't see how you put up with it. A lot of folks have thought the same thing about my AH as well. I'm not judging- believe me! I realized though that I am not dutifully bound to have a miserable existence with anyone. It IS all my choice. There is nothing wrong with you being bothered by his actions and I don't think anyone would suggest pretending that you are not "bothered" when you are. What are you going to do about it? That's the question.

I think it takes action to get just about anything in life. Things will not magically change. If you are unwilling to leave and unwilling to totally focus on you (ie- getting out and doing things that you enjoy, not obsessing about his actions, etc.), you will continue to just dwell in a home with a drunk that annoys you. That's just my opinion. It takes a lot of conscious effort to let go and go on with yourself and your own business. It feels great when you get there. You do deserve more hon.

Jazzman

The stories are pretty much the same, the behavior is pretty much the same. I would say it's just a predictable cycle of addiction, not a result of alcohol programming. If you read over some threads for a time in the Nar Anon forum you'll see pretty much the same thing.

fartheralong

Amen! I can't really add anything, MIssus.

My AH said the same things over and over...reminded me of an elderly chap with alzheimers (sp?) or something. The only difference was there wasn't the happy innocense in the question. The anger, the rages, the name calling (I'll admit, on both sides at times). Detatching IS hard. I think it was...thus far....the hardest thing I've done and still fail to do at times (a bit too often, truth be known). But I'm getting better. Either that or my veil of self denial in terms of 'myself' is thicker than I thought. The point, is that YOU CAN DO IT. If you enjoy coming here, keep at it. The only reason he gripes is because he knows SR gives you something he doesn't/can't. He's jealous. Same thing with other things he has issues with, I'd bet (though I could be wrong, that' was just my AH, threatened and jealous of the strangest things).

I will admit that I didn't detatch with love at first, just coulnd't. I learned detatchment through anger. Not that I'd necessarily recommend that, but it worked for me. Helped me find ME and my self worth again. For me, working on 'me' wasn't and isn't an easy road, but it sure gets easier to travel the further I travel on it.

(hugs). Keep your chin up. You're special. There's only one you. Embrace and cherish yourself. It feels great.

fa

best

I think that is just a guy thing and has nothing to do with the drinking.
I have favorite movies and songs and have been alcohol free for years. My friends and I or my sons would sit around and watch the same movie every week if there wasn't others we would want to rewatch more then the first one.

Having been on both sides of the fence, I would say we are all formed with the same mold when alcohol is added. General terms only.
Some can be a quiet drunk and some can be extra violent but from what I have seen by being one of the crowd as wel as one watching the crowd...we all are alike.

FormerDoormat

You know, Missus, even if your husband didn't have a drinking problem, it's unrealistic to think that any relationship will always remain the same. People grow and change over time. Their needs change. Their likes change. Their goals change. Their habits change. Their interests change. They grow apart.

You can't spend your life waiting for your husband to change because he may never do it. The only thing you can do to improve your situation is to change yourself.

When you start making changes it tends to create a chain reaction--a domino effect, if you will. It's impossible for your husband to maintain status quo if things are changing in your life.

ChildlikeFaith

My AH had a certain movie that he would watch over and over again every time he binged. Have you seen the movie The Whole Nine Yards? During my pre Al-Anon days, I got so tired of him watching it over and over again that I scratched the heck out of it. Sadly, he just found another movie to watch over and over again. When I would walk in the door after work, I didn't have to get very far into the house to know he was passed out drunk, I could hear the movie from the TV before I even made it to the living room.

cgdc1269

My wife goes through phases where there are specific songs she'll repeat over and over again when she's drunk. She'll put on the song, and start crying and sobbing uncontrollably. When the song's over, she'll skip back to listen to it over again. Recently, it's been some song off of the new Faith Hill album about a wife dealing with an AH.

lizzy girl

Laurence of Arabia--No Prisoners!!! He used to rent it over and over again. So what I do as the good little wifey--I bought him his own private collections edition so he could continue to watch it over and over again.