Fireside

I have to admit it...I am sick...I am codependent. I don't say this tongue-in-cheek or to make light of it. I've been reading your stories and struggles for some time now...living very well in Denial Land. "Nice prose, but this isn't me," I would say. I was wrong. It is a disease. I may actually be more ill than my AH. Is that possible?

It hit me like a lead balloon this past week. He quit drinking 3 weeks ago, cold turkey, hasn't had a sip since. This was after an ultimatum I gave him...shape up or ship out. I never really expected he would go this long. So here I am faced with the fact that I can't deal with this. A bad case of codependency if I ever saw it.

So here's what's bothering me. Is there a doctor in the house?

1) I keep waiting for something bad to happen. I guess I have been burned too many times before. What are the remedies for this? A little elixir of TRUST maybe? I feel so bad that I can't rejoice in the fact that he is not drinking.

2) I am suspicious of everything he does. At least when he was drinking I KNEW he was drinking. Now if he runs to town or is late from work, I am torturing myself with questions. I am WAY more occupied with his actions now than I was when he was actively drinking. How do I stop this?

3) I don't know who I am anymore. This is the most frightening realization. Who is this person sitting across from this sober man? So much of my life has been wrapped up in some aspect of HIS drinking over the last year or so that I have lost sight of ME.

4) I want this to be over forever. Someone wave the magic wand! Now that I see that this is REALLY a problem for me and not just him, I want this to be out of our lives forever. If I start to remove the bandaids that have held my wounds together, I don't want to put them on again. I don't even want to be in the position of looking for a bandaid. I know that the reality of the situation is that I CAN'T avoid this for the rest of my life. If it is not him, it will be someone else. If I don't get healed from this, it will always be there. My H may not be there, but my co-d tendencies will.

To answer two questions right up front...no I don't have a therapist yet and no I am not in Al-anon. Excuses, excuses...but I live in a very remote area...small town and AH has a high profile job. I am considering looking for a meeting in a larger town (about 100 miles away), but advice from the experience of this group would be welcome in the mean time.

Thanks to all of you!

megamysterioso

(((Fireside))) I will give you my opinions on questions you posed.

1. It is not unnatural for you to feel skeptical at all about his new-found "sobriety." Trust is something that a person has to EARN and since he's broken yours many times, your wounds have not healed. It takes a looooong time to earn back trust. Also, if he just up and quit b/c of an ultimatum you gave him, chances are he WILL relapse. He must want to quit for HIMSELF and no one or nothing else or chances are, he will drink again.

2. Being preoccupied with the actions of the A when they are away from us is very co-dependent type behavior. It's so important to learn to let go and come to terms with the fact that there is truly NOTHING you can do to change his behavior. You do not have that power or that type or control. If he wants to drink while he's out, he IS going to drink. You worrying about it does absolutely NOTHING other than stress you out. "The Language of Letting Go" is a great read for learning about detachment.

3. Losing our own identity is pretty classic when all of our attention has been focused on the actions of an A for so long. Only you can put the focus back on yourself where it belongs. Don't expect to magically reconnect with yourself. It takes hard work. You may want to start journaling and asking yourself some really tough, soul-searching questions. Have you ever really asked yourself why you feel the need to be with someone who brings this much chaos into your life? Do you feel like you deserve peace and happiness?

4. There are no magic wands unfortunately and this is a lifelong process. My husband is an active A that does not wish to seek treatment. It took me a long time, but I had to ask myself if I was really willing to live with all the consequences that naturally come from living with an A. Could I accept him now just as he is and be happy with my marriage and happy with myself? My answer was no and we're getting a divorce. He's attempted to quit too, but he's always right back to square one and unfortunately, the threat of relapse is something that looms over the head of an A for life. It takes a conscious effort on their part each and everyday to make the choice not to drink. IMO, I have to make the conscious effort everyday to focus on my own needs and not let myself "slip" back into old patterns of thinking. If I allow myself to ignore what I've been through and all the lessons I've learned, I could very well repeat this same pattern.

I would suggest reading the free e-book at www.empoweredrecovery.com to help you gain pespective on the cycle of addiction, your role in it and what you can do to stop it. This website helped me a great deal and maybe it can help you too. As with everything, take what you want and leave the rest. I hope you find some peace, but you have to seek it for yourself.

teke

hi fireside
i am so sorry that you are going through this, i will pray for you and yours.

i thing mega pretty much summed up my life with my ah, she has some very wise advice. she and others like her have helped me so much since i come to sr. the a in my like is my husband and as of now, he chooses not to seek help, there are times that he does try to stop but so far, he always go back to his old addictive ways. i had really lost me in the deal and even though i have my days, i am learning who i am finally and what i want my life to be like. i am grateful for this forum and the support that is offered here.

my life is so much easier now that i spend more time focusing on me and not my a. i give up tring to figure out how to fix my a now its time for me to figure out how to fix me and allow him the time to work or not work on himself in his own time and in his own way.

FriendofBill

I hear your pain big time...but I think you have m uchmore pain in store.

High profile person, dont want to be embarassed? I wonder how people like Mel Gibson, Betty Ford, Robert Kennedy Jr. got sober....cus they're well known too. Probably alot more than your spouse.

Thats called pride and ego, which means humility is not yet present.

When the desperation of being so damn miserable and depressed out weighs those 2 things, then maybe you wil become humble and seek help.

Alcoholism, codependency is NOT anything to be ashamed of.

I hope you chose to live and get help. Good luck.

Cynay

Welcome to SR I can hear how much pain your in and Im sorry for what is happening.

I would have to agree with what has been said so far.... they say you will make changes when your sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hope he really wants to quit for himself because if not then he will probably relasp... sad but true.

Time to start working on your recovery hon... start focusing on you and let your husband be responsible for his recovery... when you can let go of it you will start to find the peace your looking for.

outonalimb

Fireside,
Welcome to SR.
Lots of great insight before me.
I recognize alot of myself in your post.
At one point on this journey, I started a thread here called 'co-dependent, schmo-dependent'. As far as I was concerned, I was a victim of horrible circumstance. It wasn't my fault that I was married to a heroin addict. I was the only sane one in the relationship. I could see what he was doing to hurt himself and our family but I was not going to accept one iota of responsiblity for what happened. None. I have since learned how wrong I was.

I WAS just as sick as he was. I wasn't addicted to drugs or alcohol. NO, I was the responsible one...I was the one who spent my days trying to keep our ship from capsizing.... I talked a good game about how I wasn't going to do it anymore...I wasn't going to fix his problems anymore...I wasn't going to enable or rescue him anymore... But I see now, with the benefit of hindsight and alot of hard work on my recovery, that I was very sick at this point in my life with the disease of codependency. I, like you, had forgotten who I even was. I had forgotten what made me laugh...what made me happy...the entire focus of my life was HIM...and his stupid problem...and what I was going to do in order to fix it. It took me a long time...a very llooonnnggg time to realize that the addiction was HIS battle and HIS battle alone to fight. I realized that if I was going to recover, I had to put all of the energy that I used to put into fixing him and put it into fixing ME.

I allowed all of the chaos and destruction to consume me. I allowed his addiction to wreak havoc with just about every aspect of my life. I failed to realize that my life was MINE alone...to do with what I wished...and that I didn't have to make choices and decisions that centered around him and his needs.

Your hesitation to go to a meeting because your AH is a high-profile person is a perfect example of how you have abandoned yourself and your own well being in order to help or protect him. You realize you are sick. You realize you need help. Now what can you do to fix it? Don't make your decisions based on what would be best for him...make them based upon whats best for YOU. You probably haven't done this in so long that you have forgotten what its like to put your needs first. Start small...and work your way up. Life doesn't have to be miserable and scary. It can be pretty darn sweet...but the only person who can make it this way is YOU.

I hope you stick around...
I've learned an awful lot here at SR.
Some of it was pretty painful stuff...
But all of the hard work has been worth it in the end.
It will be for you too...I promise...if you just make a commitment and work towards your own well being and sanity one baby step at a time.

robina

You lose yourself when you live with an alcoholic. In order to get you back again, you will need to do a lot of work. A great way to do this is in Al-anon.

Last year I saw an addictions counsellor for about 6-8 sessions, in addition to attending Al-anon. She was amazing, helping me with my co-dependency issues (I am not an addict, and she knew exactly what to say to help someone who lives with an alcoholic).

If Al-anon is out of the question, at the very least try to see an addictions counsellor. Alcoholism is a fmaily disease and addictions counsellors have specialized training to help family members. (I also went to a psychologist for a while, but he didn't have the same understanding of addictions, and he was not as helpful as the addictions counsellor)

God bless

denny57

Good advice. My psychologist specializes in addictions and has been great. I definitely agree it would be helpful to have someone who understands.

GettingFree

So much great advice here Fireside...so I just wanted to say welcome.

gf

prodigal

Outonalimb really summarized things I need to recognize as well as to really realize that now is the crucial time for my "wake-up call." What you've experienced is simply quite typical of what codies do who get involved with addicts. Just as the addict follows a predictable pattern that has been made into a graph titled "The Disease of Alcoholism," so the codie follows a pattern into a downward spiral.

Your awareness is a step in the right direction. Find a counselor who has worked with addicts. Read Melody Beattie's books. Maybe it's not feasible for you to move to a larger metropolitan area at this point in your life, but in more populated areas there are a lot of meetings available for every sort of dependency you can think of.

It's YOUR life and you have to make choices that are best for you. You're in the right place here. You will get support, wisdom, good advice and honest responses to your dilemma. I hope that some of the stuff you read here will be a catalyst to your recovery.

P.S. - Although you mentioned the A in your life is not drinking, it doesn't sound as if he's working any type of program. Alcoholism is a disease of the body, the mind, and the spirit. True recovery has to begin with a 12-step program, in my opinion. If not, you simply have an alcoholic who is not drinking rather than a real recovering alcoholic.

Fireside

So it looks like I need to add a #5 here...Still more concerned about the AH than me and don't realize it.

Thanks for the extra set of eyes. I missed that one...didn't recognize it as codie behavior. Wow! it's probably the most glaring.

Lots of great nuggets of information here. I so appreciate it.

This whole realization has really impacted me. I have spent hours just sobbing. I was NOT supposed to be brought into this. I built too many walls for this to touch me. I am so angry and upset that this is what it is. It has not only touched me but my kids who I spent so much time protecting. I know this is REALLY the codie in me shining through, but I just needed to vent that. It just isn't right.

Question? Does anyone ever have a healthy relationship with an alcoholic from the beginning and maintain that? Is it possible for an A to get involved with someone who WON"T be codependent?

I imagine the answer is probably not.

Thanks again. I am going to look up a LOCAL Al-Anon group...for me!

sweeks

I imagine it's very unlikley but perhaps if their parents were alcoholic and they had already sought out treatment and found recovery. But then they probably know better...

BigSis

Welcome Fireside!!

Lots of good advice above me....

When I considered and discarded the idea of Alanon, I still thought AA was good my addicted/alcoholic loved ones. Isn't THAT crazy? THEY can go and get recovery, but *I* don't need to.

When a nice lady at a meeting (I was going only because I was told to try 6 meetings) pointed that out to me, some part of me responded. How could *I* expect THEM to work a recovery program, when I was too good to do the same?

So I started going more diligently, and read the little daily readers and listenedd at meetings... and slowly (because it is a subtle program), I started seeing MY part in the dance of addiction. But it took a while - because I was not ready, at first, to see that I could benefit in any way from recovery.

Yee Gods... I have now (2 years later) benefited more than ANY recovered alcoholic/addict in the family (and there have been 4 in the past 2 years in my family).

Alcoholics tell me all the time they are embarrassed to be seen at a meeting because they live in such a small town... which makes me laugh. Because WHO are they seeing at meetings that will "tell"? OTHER ALCOHOLICS who want and need anonymity! Alanon is the same way... Anonymity is an important, basic principle of the program... one I have come to trust.

I wish you well.