paige

I always find myself in the same situations. My A fiance goes out drinking and I get so mad and sad inside. I have constant flshbacks of the time before, and time before that, that he has hurt me (emotionally) while drunk. I think to myslef " this time, if it gets bad, I'll leave" I even have my whole speach prepared in my head. (Of course my dream is that I leave, he sobers up, and we get back together. ) After he's home it gets real bad I get hurt and offended, but somewhere in the middle I find myself trying to help. To keep him from walking out the door again and getting into trouble, to stop himn from hurting himself, and trying my hardest just to get him to bed. By now, I have sympathy. And this is when I pray. Pray for the strength to take the necessary steps. I dream one day of a loving happy family ( like the one I grew up in) but i know children will never be a possibilty if continues to drink. I've always wanted to be a mom. The thing is, morning will come. I will have calmed down becaus I will be up all night. He will be sorry, sad, and in pain. He'll say how much he needs me. He has an amazing heart and I love him more then words can describe. So, I will stay. But then I do ask, how bad does it have to get before I walk away? Where do you draw the line? ONce, again. God give me strength.

paige

Sorry for any spelling errors. I tend to make mistakes typing when I am nervous.

cgdc1269

First of all, there is no reason to apologize for spelling mistakes. If we were all perfect, we wouldn't be here.

Secondly, please take a look around this board. There are quite a few helpful topics. Not only will you find topics that offer friendly advice, but you will also find that you are not alone.

We are all at different points on this road, and sometimes it helps just to see where people have gotten after being in your situation.

Next, I would like to offer that things will only get better when you start working toward making your own life better. For me, that has meant that I've started to live my own life again. I may wander into an Al-Anon meeting soon. Obviously, things still are not great in my own life, but they are much better than they were even a week ago, simply because I finally woke up and realized that I needed to stop letting my life revolve around her drinking problem.

Finally, I must tell you that only you can know where that line is. I've often wondered myself where that line is. For me, although many of my friends that know of my situation have told me I should leave, I stick around. I know I am strong enough to live through this, and I know that we do share a deep love for each other. I grew up in a great home, just as it sounds you did. My wife wasn't so lucky, and it's obvious in her lifestyle. I don't believe in divorce, as, with my own parents, it was never an issue.

However, if it ever gets to be too much for you, then it may be time to draw that line.

One thing to keep in mind is that we can't control their behaviour. We can only control our own behaviour. I fought tooth and nail for a long time every time my wife said she needed some time apart from me, as I always felt that we needed to talk, and that time apart was the last thing we needed. However, I have come to find that some time apart can be a good thing, especially if I'm the one that initiates that time apart.

I hope I'm making sense. I am very tired, and it is time for me to go to bed.

I will pray for you, as I will pray for everyone on these boards. I wish you the best.

GingerM

For me, I drew the line when I felt like I'd wasted too many years of a finite and rapidly passing lifetime on the situation I was currently in.

I think all of us have our own 'breaking points' where we realize that we don't want to live this way anymore. For some of us, it's a chicken. For others, it's the realization that "there just went 7 years of my life I'll never get back again".

I hope you can find peace. There are many people here who understand exactly what you're feeling, either because they're in the same boat with you currently, or because they stayed on that boat for a very long time before they finally found land.

prodigal

...and I would venture to say that most of the folks on this board have done the same. Of course you feel better in the morning - the latest blow-up is over, he's sober again, he's calmed down, and the bottom line (like it or not) is that your ability to feel good about yourself and this relationship is based on HIS behavior or misbehavior.

This is just my never-to-be-humble opinion, but I think the reason we stay is some sort of sick fear that was instilled in us when we were kids: "If I leave, I'll be alone, nobody will ever love me again, I can't do any better than this, I know I'm strong enough to weather this latest storm..." blah, blah, blah...

You'll end up either of two ways that I have had the opportunity to observe in women who have gone through this: you will justify staying with one of the most typical excuses I've ever heard: "He has the $$, and I don't want to leave and lose a chunk of it," or "If I left, the chances are I'd find another goof-up/loser just like him." Denial, denial, denial.

I think it's more about us than it is about them. We stay out of fear of the unknown, insecurity, low self-esteem, etc. Just as an addict has to work the 12 steps, we who are glommed onto an addict (and miserable) need to work the 12 steps. Bottom line: you DO have a purpose on this planet, as they say in A.A., "God doesn't make junk," and you must give this up to your Higher Power (as you perceive that Power to be) by admitting defeat. It's an oxymoron, but it works. When you admit you're beaten down, defeated, lost, confused, and ready to throw in the towel, "Let Go and Let God."

I will never be able to explain the how or why of it, but darned if it doesn't work. It's a very personal decision. When you reach the end of your rope - and then some - you'll decide to yield your efforts to control and hold on to someone who is greater than you. Think about that.

Morning Glory

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain paige.

You might not be able to take that giant step right now to leave the relationship, but you can start taking small steps that will start chainging your life.

dollydo

Nothing changes if nothing changes. It is a cycle, a cycle of hurt, stress and dispair.

You cannot change him, you can only change you. Until you make up your mind to change you, the cycle will continue. Each person is responsible for themselves, their actions, their words, their happiness.

Look deep inside you, what is the payoff for continuing this cycle? There must be one, or you would break the chains that bind you in this chaos.

Take time, reflect, ask yourself where do you want to be in 5 years? Make a plan, follow thru. Be true to yourself.

Dolly

reader

Hi Paige, There is a saying "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it". If your fiance doesn't have the desire to quit he won't plain and simple. You see the writing on the wall for you future if u stay with him. I am glad u see the importance of not bringing a child into an alcoholic lifestyle. You need to reflect on what YOU want out of life, what u want your life to be 10 years from now. Nothing is worse than being in a relationship and being lonely as I am sure u felt last night while he was out drinking. Just take care of u and u might want to call off the engagement until u have worked out these things. You deserve better!!! Take care and be well, Kerry

lizzy girl

If I could go back to before I was married 25 years ago, and knew what life with an alcoholic would be like, I would have run for the hills. If I understood the disease of alcoholism, I would have realized that even though he was sober at the time of our wedding, sobriety for him would not last. One smart decision I made was not to bring children into this marriage. I have never regretted this decision, I regret that I had to make it. On the banks of the river, after one night of heavy drinking together many moons ago, I made the decision that I was going to stay with him no matter what, and that he "needed" me to take care of him or he would die, and that I would never have his children. I committed myself to this rollercoaster ride and years of emotional abuse that one night. I'm trying to break free from that promise. Please think long and hard about your relationship, it could save your life.

ASpouse

Besides the facts that you love him, need to take care of him and he's wonderful when he's sober, why do you think you stay? Again, besides all that I mentioned above.

You can't help him, you can't stop him, and there is nothing you can do for him. He is manipulating you and paige, he has your number big time. He's playing you for a fool and you're letting him. Good luck.

teke

hi i will be praying for you and yours, i do agree with some of the others,

lizzy had a few good points, i did the same as she 20 yrs ago, i got married but i had kids and everyday since it has been a struggle.

i made promises ,for better or worse and here i am all these yrs later, recoverying from the verge of insanity and my own self destruction all in the name of "for better or worse". my suggestion to you would be to tade some time and look around the board, do some reading and you will find that some of us have already been where you are so that you want have to go there unless you choose too.

denny57

You can change that. It took me a long time, but I did. I also made the decision not to have children with my AH. We were talking about adopting, but I knew I wouldn't be doing that with him, either. When the divorce is final, I will be moving ahead with that on my own.

Keep coming back and take care.

fartheralong

Hi Paige. (HUGS) welcome to SR. This is a great support place with a WEALTH of wisdom and information. I think you're smart to know that you don't want to bring kids into this. I do have kids and am in the process of getting a divorce. I love my kids, just wished I had realized the impact this was all having on them earlier. But I had to find me first and start working on my issues. I've danced this dance all I want, and now that I've found me, and I realize the impact this is having on them, I don't want this anymore. I don't want this drama and constant chaos for them. And I'm honest enough and know ME well enough now to know that I can't be sucked down into the chaos again. So IMO, I think that's smart to know you don't want to bring a child into the mix.

Only you'll know when you've had enough, where you're going to draw the line. You may think right now you don't, but since you're here, you want to find out more and information, I've found is a wonderful key to helping me heal. Read the stickies at the top as well and I'm rereading Melody Beatie (I know I mispelled that) "CoDependents No More" It's a WONDERFUL book. I got mine from a used bookstore.

Anyway, keep coming back and posting. You're not alone, Paige.

Hugs,
FA