StandingStrong

Taking a leap off that high horse that I've riding..............

1) I have lied to AH.
(But I sure have made a big deal out of it when I thought he was lying to me!)

2) I have broken into his email account
(Hm.........did that twice)

3) I have been verbally abusive to him
(Noticed that when Ah does it to me, it's a reaction to something I do to him. Not saying it's right, but noticed that it's a reaction on his part - an action on mine)

4) I have been physically abusive to him
(Ah has not been physically abusive to me in return to even defend himself against me)

5) I have repeatedly thrown his mistakes in his face!
(Ah does not do this. He has brought some things up - reaction to when I'm doing it to him. But he does not throw it in my face repeatedly like I do to him)

6) I have told him how to take care of things in his life (like w/ the kids)
(Ah never tells me how to take care of things in my life and never has)

7) I have pushed and shut him out of my life
(Ah has only begun to do this to me recently - and now as I'm getting honest about my actions - I can see why he would)

8) I was seeing another man for about 8 months
(Ah had a fling for about 2 weeks after I'd been seeing this man - after I'd went out with Ah and turned him down for another date, led him to believe we were over, etc)

9) I have called him just to unleash my anger on him
(Ah has never done this to me)

10) I have gone to his workplace - just to unleash on him
(Ah has never done this to me)

11) I have spoken to different people (his friends/family etc) to find out if he's telling me the truth about things
(Ah has never done this to me)

12) I have gone into his fling's place of employment - simply to see who she was when I found out she knew who I was.
(Ah avoids where the man I was seeing works if it's the time he's usually there. He has not approached the man once!)

13) I have spoken to his fling when she came into my place of employment
(Ah has not spoken to the man that I was seeing)

14) I have listened carefully to catch any difference in anything that ah says and I'm quick to point it out to him
(Ah does not do this to me)

15) I have sent mixed messages to ah concerning my feelings, etc.
(Ah's actions may not match his words - but he does not do mixed messages to me like I have to him. Different concept and hard to explain. But I sure am quick to point out to him when his don't match)

16) I have talked to my kids about more than I should have
(Ah has made a few sarcastic comments about the man I was seeing, approached the fling issue when it was a problem, but other than that - Ah does not involve the kids in our mess)

17) I have remained friends with the man that I had been seeing awhile back. Limited contact - but still, it's contact.
(Ah, to his word, and as far as I know, does not have contact with his fling)

18) I have made a huge issue of Ah's 2 week fling
(Ah does not make a big deal out of my situation and it was months long!)

19) I have also dug for dirt whenever the opportunity arose
(Ah does not do this to me. He won't even answer my phone if he's here at the house and it rings. He has brought it to me while ringing but will not answer it)

20) I have checked up on (drove by his house a few times to see if he was there - checked the court records concerning his DUI, etc)
(Ah does not do this like I do)


20 things that I have listed. Each of them shows something that I have done or still do that I should not. I also believe that each of them shows that Ah handles things better than I do. He may have his faults (and believe me, I let him hear about them) - I realize that I am the one that has been acting completely insane!!!!!!!!!!
And then I have to ask - why in the world would he even want to be with me? And even though he's answered that question for me before - I have to tell you - If I was him, I would not want to be with me!!!!!!!!!

Past time to really work on MY actions.

teke

i read your post and i did stop to think, what i remember is how bad i felt when i was active so i tried not to do that to my ah. i was tramatize by some of my h's actions and eventually i became numb i guess to the pain

but after i had time to heal a little during the 2 yrs he spent in jail, i began to wake up so to speak and realized the nature of the actions that i had come to ignore and could no longer live with them.

in saying all of this, i may not know just yet if i am being honest with myself but i will ask god to show me the error of my actions in this.

because i was willing to work a program resulting in sobriety, it was even harder to understand why he did not see a need or was willing to do what was neccessary. he seem to feel like me being clean was enough for him, but what about me.

this probably does not make much sense, but it is the way i feel, right now

reader

Ditto, I have about 15 vices in common with you SStrong. Not one to throw stones but I almost sunk my own ship, my family. My H spoils the lot of us, and I may be a spoiled brat but I earned it. A fool maybe but a fool in love! 15+ years and going strong! P.S. and Standing!! Kerry

robina

...this sounds a lot like a step 4!

StandingStrong

Maybe so, but honestly I was looking at it more from the standpoint of Step 5. LOL. Either or, I feel it is a good step for me to take - being honest with myself about my own actions.
As I was telling someone today, it's pretty darn easy for me to point my finger at someone else, but it's a whole lot harder to point it back at myself.
And how we talk about the A's doing that - playing the blame game, etc.

I could really open up and tell my friends and family how I feel - such as I have in recent posts here at SR but I know that they would not understand. I chose to share what I feel is progress with all of you that know my story and my feelings as I felt that sharing here would be much more beneficial. Those of you here have a much better understanding of where I am and why I'm here than those that don't understand what it's like to have their lives affected by alcohol as mine has been.

cgdc1269

I must admit that I have been guilty of, and probably will be again, many of the things in your list. It's a sad state when you turn around and see yourself becoming what you hate. Only through helping ourselves can we help those around us.

As the bible says, we should pluck the log from our own eye before pointing out the splinter in our neighbor's eye.

CatsTail

Good for you Standing strong!

Ngaire

steve11694

the things you describe in your list is how a normal sane person would react to the insanity known as alcoholism.

we all must learn to replace anger and resentment with understanding and love, though it is not every moment you feel like expressing love, given his behavior.

the nasty stuff he says to you is actually his SELF HATRED projected at you or at whomever. This is one mechanism alcoholics use to avoid seeing the truth.

Live

What a thoughtful and courageous post!
You have set a fine example in my opinion.
We have to see and own our problems first. Then we can know and work on solutions!
Way to go!
You have certainly given me something to think about!

live

StandingStrong

Thank you for the replies. It's not easy to look at myself. Not only having to see the truth, but to have to admit it out loud.

I cannot change Ah - but I can change myself. But in order to change myself, I have to discover the actions, thoughts, etc of myself. Only then can I see the issues that I have - and then begin to fix them.

I have done a lot of bad things. I carry the guilt, I carry the self-loathing that we talk about the A's feeling for themselves, I carry my own demons.
So here's hoping that in identifying them, I can begin to rid myself of them.

Thank you again for the replies. It's not always easy to stand up and admit to some of the things that I've done that I am not proud of - and am ashamed and embarrassed of.
Thank you all for accepting me - and not judging - and still supporting me in my hopes of getting better.

sadface

Thanks for your post. It takes a lot to be honest. I did about half of what is on your list. When I stop and think about how I was with my AH, it makes me feel sad. I have apologized to him for some of them. Even though we are not together. the few times we do speak I try not to repeat my actions. Take care.

equus

It's not based on much but I think there is a vast difference between the inexcusable and the unforgivable. I know I have done some inexcusable things but forgiving myself meant I had more ability to forgive others - I wasn't caught in a trap of thinking whatever can't be excused can't be forgiven. I think that's so important to feel and I know i couldn't achieve it outwardly until I could forgive myself, nor could I achieve it inwardly for long until I forgave others.

I dunno - like seeing a behaviour in one way but not confusing that for the 'whole' person, does that make sense?

sherah35

Your honesty is so brutally refreshing. I am sure that I have shared those same traits. Although, i have taken so much verbal beating from my A partner, they I have (at times) joined him in the fight against myself. The one thing that I have done, which I am having a hard time forgiving myself for is lying to him. I guess because I have caught him in so many lies, and the pain of them vows me to not be like him. I have not cheated on him, (no sex or smoching with any one else) but at times when things are bad with him and his drinking, I get very lonely and sad and want to do anything that I can to not worry about where he is and what he is doing, so I have gone out with other men, nothing ever came of any of it, just lunch, or dinner, someone to talk to. He has specificlly asked me if I have been out with anyone else, and I said "No".(and honestly,-he was drinking at the time, and it felt safer to lie than to tell him the truth, I knew his reaction would not be pleasant)
So what do you do now. Now that you see the things that you have done wrong? How do you make them right. I don't want to tell him the truth, I dont want him to scream and yell, I dont want to hear him say, "ah ha, you are no better than me!"

StandingStrong

I am working on me.
I continue to look at my own behavior, I continue to not repeat those actions and behavior.
I try to make amends by apologizing for the things that hurt him and others - other than when it will hurt them or make it worse. Not in keeping secrets, but how I understand it as described in the steps.
I continue to focus on me - learn new ways to handle myself - and hope that I continue to get better.
This is not to say that I don't catch myself being tempted to do things or that I don't think about them - because I do. However - I don't act upon them, I handle the situation differently. And sometimes, I slip. It's a learned habit behavior that will take time to remedy. I have to do this one day at a time and hope that someday there will be new and healthier ways of me dealing with things.

Other than that, I am not sure how to answer. I am still on my journey and don't have all the answers. I can only strive and work to be better.