Guess What?
grateful rca
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Guess What?
After all the work that i being doing here lately trying to learn how to cope with my h's addiction, i now hear rumors that one of my daughters has decide that she wants to take a shot at the addictive life style.
she has a h and 2 kids. i confronted her the other day about leaving home for days without her kids and now she decides to leave home with the kids. her husband is worried sick and all i can do right now is tell him what you guys told me, and that's to take care of himself and the kids if possible.
first we have to find out where the kids are and i will sooner or later. don't think that she will deliberately put the kids in danger but if she is hanging around druggies or clubbers, this is danger in itself.
i already have a few boundaries set and i will do what i have to do to help protect the kids. as far aa my daughter is concerned, i will place her in god's hand and trust that he knows how to take care of her and keep her safe.
i dont know for sure whats going on with her yet, she claims that she and her hubby are having issues but it does not sound normal that she would choose the company that i hear that she is choosing for her to uproot the kids from home,especially since it is her home. seems like to me if thing were that bad with h, then she would try to get him out. in taking to him, it does not sound as if they are in any danger at home and he feels as if all of a sudden, she has gone wild. thank god for you guys and my h and his addictive ways cause i think that maybe sr might have been a way that was to prepare me for what god know was around the next corner in my life.
sounds like addictive behavior to me, what do you guys think?
i need feed back and prayers, thanks
she has a h and 2 kids. i confronted her the other day about leaving home for days without her kids and now she decides to leave home with the kids. her husband is worried sick and all i can do right now is tell him what you guys told me, and that's to take care of himself and the kids if possible.
first we have to find out where the kids are and i will sooner or later. don't think that she will deliberately put the kids in danger but if she is hanging around druggies or clubbers, this is danger in itself.
i already have a few boundaries set and i will do what i have to do to help protect the kids. as far aa my daughter is concerned, i will place her in god's hand and trust that he knows how to take care of her and keep her safe.
i dont know for sure whats going on with her yet, she claims that she and her hubby are having issues but it does not sound normal that she would choose the company that i hear that she is choosing for her to uproot the kids from home,especially since it is her home. seems like to me if thing were that bad with h, then she would try to get him out. in taking to him, it does not sound as if they are in any danger at home and he feels as if all of a sudden, she has gone wild. thank god for you guys and my h and his addictive ways cause i think that maybe sr might have been a way that was to prepare me for what god know was around the next corner in my life.
sounds like addictive behavior to me, what do you guys think?
i need feed back and prayers, thanks
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
ijlove
right now it maybe speculation but i have been hearing rumors and her h, sis, and bro,aunt,and grandma seems to feel like something is definitely wrong with her behavior. this stuff is totally out of the norm for this one. i think that she is avoiding everyone without cause and i have heard about how she looks all spaced out.
i sure think that it is addictive behavior cause we really are a close nit family when it comes to the kids and me. if it was anything different like usually, i would be the first to know. i don't know for sure but i won't rule this out cause i can't come up with no other explanation. even these friends are people that she would not normally hang around. she's usually a home and family person.
this is something new, like i said, my ah is what got me here to sr and i think now my daughter. i will find out and let yall know. i am not the one to deny the obvious so i have to checkmore into this and i'll see.
right now it maybe speculation but i have been hearing rumors and her h, sis, and bro,aunt,and grandma seems to feel like something is definitely wrong with her behavior. this stuff is totally out of the norm for this one. i think that she is avoiding everyone without cause and i have heard about how she looks all spaced out.
i sure think that it is addictive behavior cause we really are a close nit family when it comes to the kids and me. if it was anything different like usually, i would be the first to know. i don't know for sure but i won't rule this out cause i can't come up with no other explanation. even these friends are people that she would not normally hang around. she's usually a home and family person.
this is something new, like i said, my ah is what got me here to sr and i think now my daughter. i will find out and let yall know. i am not the one to deny the obvious so i have to checkmore into this and i'll see.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
teke, I'm sorry you're going through this and watching from the sidelines. I think it's great the clear sense of boundaries you have and know that you'll do whatever you can to protect your grandchildren, and at the same time, know that only your daughter can help herself.
Still -- getting the actual facts will help. Sometimes when women have been very unhappy in a marriage, particulary while still young, they get to a point of rebelling and acting out, but underneath there's a whole lot of hurt and grief.
best
gf
Still -- getting the actual facts will help. Sometimes when women have been very unhappy in a marriage, particulary while still young, they get to a point of rebelling and acting out, but underneath there's a whole lot of hurt and grief.
best
gf
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
sounds like addictive behavior to me, what do you guys think?
grateful rca
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
making it clearer
aspouse
thanks for your comment . my grandchildren 5yr boy and 11yr girl and if finding out if my daughter is just dropping them off with who ever, so that i can protect them from any kind of harm, is enabling or codie, then i will just have to relapse and start over.
i am a recovering addict myself and i know first hand the struggle with kids involved and recognize the change in my daughter's behavior concerning the kids. she is avoiding the whole family with the kids and something is not right.
i must not be making myself very clear here. i am concerned about my daughter but i know that she will be okay sooner or later, she is a grown woman and can fend for herself. if she wants to go that route, then thats on her. but i will not just stand around and hold my hands while she drags those babies down with her.
you can say when but i say if, i get tired or bump my head with this, i will let you know and i will ask for help, i am not too proud to admit when i am wrong.
i may not know for sure but i do know how my d normally is with her kids, not only am i recovering from crack ddiction and codie, my h is active, my uncle and bro, died from damage caused by alcohol and my father die when i was 7 as a result of alcohol. i've been married 20 yrs to an active crack addict and i do know the signs.
are you suggesting that i wait and maybe let the state handle this situation with my grands? i ignored all the red flags and warning signs when i met my ah yrs ago and i don't plan on doing that again.
if you have any experince in this area, let me know how you handled this concerning the kids and how did it work out for you.
let me say too, the daughter is from a previou relationship so if need be, i will keep the kids, and this is where i have set boundaries concerning my d and her actions.
thanks for your comment . my grandchildren 5yr boy and 11yr girl and if finding out if my daughter is just dropping them off with who ever, so that i can protect them from any kind of harm, is enabling or codie, then i will just have to relapse and start over.
i am a recovering addict myself and i know first hand the struggle with kids involved and recognize the change in my daughter's behavior concerning the kids. she is avoiding the whole family with the kids and something is not right.
i must not be making myself very clear here. i am concerned about my daughter but i know that she will be okay sooner or later, she is a grown woman and can fend for herself. if she wants to go that route, then thats on her. but i will not just stand around and hold my hands while she drags those babies down with her.
you can say when but i say if, i get tired or bump my head with this, i will let you know and i will ask for help, i am not too proud to admit when i am wrong.
i may not know for sure but i do know how my d normally is with her kids, not only am i recovering from crack ddiction and codie, my h is active, my uncle and bro, died from damage caused by alcohol and my father die when i was 7 as a result of alcohol. i've been married 20 yrs to an active crack addict and i do know the signs.
are you suggesting that i wait and maybe let the state handle this situation with my grands? i ignored all the red flags and warning signs when i met my ah yrs ago and i don't plan on doing that again.
if you have any experince in this area, let me know how you handled this concerning the kids and how did it work out for you.
let me say too, the daughter is from a previou relationship so if need be, i will keep the kids, and this is where i have set boundaries concerning my d and her actions.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
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I do not think it is bad or wrong to get the kids away from the situation, but I think it will be hard to do and you should do it through Childrens Services and the Court System.
That would mean pressing charges against your daughter and her husband of some sort I would imagine and then the kids would get taken away from them if they are in danger. There would be no guarantee that you could get custody of the kids either, your situation the way it is.
Believe me, I understand. My brother, 21 years ago, had a daughter with his girlfriend. Both of them were methadone junkies ..... the child was born and luckily was not addicted to anything (or so we were told). My brother died when his daughter was 18 months old. My sister, who is comfortable financially, tried to take the child away from the mother, who to this day is still addicted to methadone. We had child services visit unannounced, she had obvious cigarette burns on her body and lived in horrid conditions. She was dumped for months at a time here and there and basically from the time she was in 5th grade had to fend for herself. It just wasn't going to happen, Childrens Services were not going to take her away from the only family she ever knew. As she got older, she ran away, quit school and on and on it goes. She is 21 years old, has her GED and is going to college (I'm told) and is going to have a baby in August. She does not do drugs or drink, she knows her mother is screwed up and is a junkie, but she is still devoted her mother, loves her very much she says.
I don't know where you live, but you can't just go take the kids away and leave, that is considered kidnapping and your daughter can certainly press charges against you if you did that .... you need to do this through the proper channels and hope and pray that it works in your favor, there is a good possibility it won't.
To go off 1/2 cocked (and I'm not saying you are) in the name of the "childrens safety" you will lose.
Isn't the 11 year old going to school? Has the school contacted anyone? Have a plan and make some phone calls ..... one step at a time and in the meantime, you must believe that your daughter is taking care of her children, even if it's not the way you would want to see it done.
That would mean pressing charges against your daughter and her husband of some sort I would imagine and then the kids would get taken away from them if they are in danger. There would be no guarantee that you could get custody of the kids either, your situation the way it is.
Believe me, I understand. My brother, 21 years ago, had a daughter with his girlfriend. Both of them were methadone junkies ..... the child was born and luckily was not addicted to anything (or so we were told). My brother died when his daughter was 18 months old. My sister, who is comfortable financially, tried to take the child away from the mother, who to this day is still addicted to methadone. We had child services visit unannounced, she had obvious cigarette burns on her body and lived in horrid conditions. She was dumped for months at a time here and there and basically from the time she was in 5th grade had to fend for herself. It just wasn't going to happen, Childrens Services were not going to take her away from the only family she ever knew. As she got older, she ran away, quit school and on and on it goes. She is 21 years old, has her GED and is going to college (I'm told) and is going to have a baby in August. She does not do drugs or drink, she knows her mother is screwed up and is a junkie, but she is still devoted her mother, loves her very much she says.
I don't know where you live, but you can't just go take the kids away and leave, that is considered kidnapping and your daughter can certainly press charges against you if you did that .... you need to do this through the proper channels and hope and pray that it works in your favor, there is a good possibility it won't.
To go off 1/2 cocked (and I'm not saying you are) in the name of the "childrens safety" you will lose.
Isn't the 11 year old going to school? Has the school contacted anyone? Have a plan and make some phone calls ..... one step at a time and in the meantime, you must believe that your daughter is taking care of her children, even if it's not the way you would want to see it done.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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teke........so sorry to hear this, but you sound like you have already taken good steps.
With her genetics.......chances lean very heavily towards her being involved in addictive behavior (esp. the "problems with the husband.......yeah, I bet she DOES have issues with him, especially if she leaves and takes their kids...)
The only other thought would be is she bi-polar? but thoat also would involve her seeking help and not having the kids in the middle of that either.
Glad you are here...my heart goes out to you and your family. Sounds as if your SIL may understand addiction to? If not, hope he will seek help and that you are able to help each other seek boundaries,etc.
Hoping you will update us with better news.especially about the children. Maybe that will be what helps theis situation ultimately....I hope something does, and soon!
With her genetics.......chances lean very heavily towards her being involved in addictive behavior (esp. the "problems with the husband.......yeah, I bet she DOES have issues with him, especially if she leaves and takes their kids...)
The only other thought would be is she bi-polar? but thoat also would involve her seeking help and not having the kids in the middle of that either.
Glad you are here...my heart goes out to you and your family. Sounds as if your SIL may understand addiction to? If not, hope he will seek help and that you are able to help each other seek boundaries,etc.
Hoping you will update us with better news.especially about the children. Maybe that will be what helps theis situation ultimately....I hope something does, and soon!
grateful rca
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
thank you again,
i too had to experience a custody battle that lasted 9 mos for my own kids so i know first hand what the court does with cases like this. i came out on top in that case.
now concerning this one. the family has always been there to help with the kids and i have had to deal with the services before yrs ago because of an accidental injury to my grand d, i was awarded temporary custody at that time until the case was investigated, i do belive that it was an accident and my daughter was not directly involved.
i don't want to get services involved, this is why i feel the way that i do, and i don't think that that would be the case anyway, i think that my d would be more than happy from the looks of it to allow us to keep the kids until she figures out what she wants to do with her life.
i live not too far from her almost in walking distance and i am definitely not trying to take her kids from her, hey i've raised 7 of my own and i am not trying to start over. even when she ask me to keep them, i have a hard time doing that cause she does not come back like she says.
leaving the kid is not what concerns me cause we are used cause as a family, we have had to deal with this but what concerns me now is that she is now leaving them with what seems to be strangers. if we don't step in, sooner or later the services will and that is not a pretty site for the kids.
pick
its true that she may have issues with her husband, and this is nothing new, this is why she sought housing assit, it her place and there is no excuse for her up rooting the kids. she is such a strong willed person and when it came to her husband, she have never back too far down. she does not have a problem call the police if need be, so it still does not make sense to us. if this was the case, any other time, we would have known and they have been seperated before, she knows what to do about him and i don't get into their relationship but i am here for both of them and they know that too.
i too had to experience a custody battle that lasted 9 mos for my own kids so i know first hand what the court does with cases like this. i came out on top in that case.
now concerning this one. the family has always been there to help with the kids and i have had to deal with the services before yrs ago because of an accidental injury to my grand d, i was awarded temporary custody at that time until the case was investigated, i do belive that it was an accident and my daughter was not directly involved.
i don't want to get services involved, this is why i feel the way that i do, and i don't think that that would be the case anyway, i think that my d would be more than happy from the looks of it to allow us to keep the kids until she figures out what she wants to do with her life.
i live not too far from her almost in walking distance and i am definitely not trying to take her kids from her, hey i've raised 7 of my own and i am not trying to start over. even when she ask me to keep them, i have a hard time doing that cause she does not come back like she says.
leaving the kid is not what concerns me cause we are used cause as a family, we have had to deal with this but what concerns me now is that she is now leaving them with what seems to be strangers. if we don't step in, sooner or later the services will and that is not a pretty site for the kids.
pick
its true that she may have issues with her husband, and this is nothing new, this is why she sought housing assit, it her place and there is no excuse for her up rooting the kids. she is such a strong willed person and when it came to her husband, she have never back too far down. she does not have a problem call the police if need be, so it still does not make sense to us. if this was the case, any other time, we would have known and they have been seperated before, she knows what to do about him and i don't get into their relationship but i am here for both of them and they know that too.
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Location: Sussex, NJ
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even when she ask me to keep them, i have a hard time doing that cause she does not come back like she says.
But you say this ....
leaving the kid is not what concerns me cause we are used cause as a family, we have had to deal with this but what concerns me now is that she is now leaving them with what seems to be strangers. if we don't step in, sooner or later the services will and that is not a pretty site for the kids.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
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OK .... I hope it works for you.
The point I was getting at, for others if they are interested, is that teke said she was not enabling or being co-dependent in this situation. I respectfully disagree.
The two options I see in this scenario is #1, get custody of the kids and give them a good life, with a solid foundation and let the daughter & husband hit their bottoms without any interference, or #2, call Child Protective Services and the courts and let them deal with the problem and issues at hand. Neither of these options is do-able to teke, at least the way I understand her thread. So, in my mind anyway, that would leave "helping/fixing" the situation with her daughter and husband which draws a line right back to enabling and co-dependency. Of course this does not mean I am right, nor does it mean I am wrong, this, as all of my posts, is only my opinion.
The point I was getting at, for others if they are interested, is that teke said she was not enabling or being co-dependent in this situation. I respectfully disagree.
The two options I see in this scenario is #1, get custody of the kids and give them a good life, with a solid foundation and let the daughter & husband hit their bottoms without any interference, or #2, call Child Protective Services and the courts and let them deal with the problem and issues at hand. Neither of these options is do-able to teke, at least the way I understand her thread. So, in my mind anyway, that would leave "helping/fixing" the situation with her daughter and husband which draws a line right back to enabling and co-dependency. Of course this does not mean I am right, nor does it mean I am wrong, this, as all of my posts, is only my opinion.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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Personally I wouldn't rush to judgment based on rumors and I wouldn't believe that everything is okay at home because her husband said so.
From your description, this is a rather abrupt change, and that often indicates that something is triggering the change. Sometimes a sudden change in behavior is caused by mental illness, abuse (physical, mental, or sexual--and not necessarily at home), or a bad diagnosis. Did she catch her husband cheating or suspect he was doing so? Or was the change less sudden, and if you or her husband look back at the preceeding months, do you now see subtle behavior changes you didn't notice.
From your description, this is a rather abrupt change, and that often indicates that something is triggering the change. Sometimes a sudden change in behavior is caused by mental illness, abuse (physical, mental, or sexual--and not necessarily at home), or a bad diagnosis. Did she catch her husband cheating or suspect he was doing so? Or was the change less sudden, and if you or her husband look back at the preceeding months, do you now see subtle behavior changes you didn't notice.
grateful rca
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thank to you again aspouse
i am sorry but i fail to see your point, do you have any grandkids?
#1 have raised 7 kids of my own and still have two minors at home, tend other grands during the day,why isn't taking care of 2 more not doable, i don't think that i said that in my quote. #2 what i am feeling does not have anything to do with my daughter and her husband's personal issues. their junk is their junk. i guess i am still not making myself clear.
any way, here is where i am getting in codie mode, explaining. everyone is entitled to their own opinion. i am sorry that you don't seem to see a great concern for the children who suffers.
maybe you would understand what was said in my original post if you re-read it. i don't know yet how to put in quotes. i will do the same to make sure that i said what i meant.
again thanks for your opinion
i would love to hear others opinion on this, maybe i am just not getting it.
i am sorry but i fail to see your point, do you have any grandkids?
#1 have raised 7 kids of my own and still have two minors at home, tend other grands during the day,why isn't taking care of 2 more not doable, i don't think that i said that in my quote. #2 what i am feeling does not have anything to do with my daughter and her husband's personal issues. their junk is their junk. i guess i am still not making myself clear.
any way, here is where i am getting in codie mode, explaining. everyone is entitled to their own opinion. i am sorry that you don't seem to see a great concern for the children who suffers.
maybe you would understand what was said in my original post if you re-read it. i don't know yet how to put in quotes. i will do the same to make sure that i said what i meant.
again thanks for your opinion
i would love to hear others opinion on this, maybe i am just not getting it.
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I have my own children teke ..... age 5 and age 14. I also lost a child to cancer at the age of 3. Yes, I have great concern for the children ..... but saying that "I'll do what I have to do" without a plan, is sort of like driving a car without brakes .... eventually you will crash.
Please do not try to make me look like "I don't care about the children" because I love children and I hate to see children in bad situations caused by adults and I hate to see addicts have children and bring yet children into a bad situation. I hate to see the people who love these A's get pregnant and bring a child into the mix, I've said that before.
teke, here is your quote that says you have a hard time taking the kids
You said yourself it is hard for you because she doesn't come back when she says she will.
Look I apologize to you if I sound as if I am criticizing because I'm not. I'm sure it is breaking your heart to see your grand kids being treated as they are, but really, what can you do about it? What can you reasonably do about the situation the way it is right now. Explaining yourself is not being codie or enabling ...... fixing, helping, trying to cure, trying to control, being manipulative is being codie and enabling. I am explaining myself to you here and now and I am in no way being codie or enabling.
Please do not try to make me look like "I don't care about the children" because I love children and I hate to see children in bad situations caused by adults and I hate to see addicts have children and bring yet children into a bad situation. I hate to see the people who love these A's get pregnant and bring a child into the mix, I've said that before.
teke, here is your quote that says you have a hard time taking the kids
even when she ask me to keep them, i have a hard time doing that cause she does not come back like she says.
Look I apologize to you if I sound as if I am criticizing because I'm not. I'm sure it is breaking your heart to see your grand kids being treated as they are, but really, what can you do about it? What can you reasonably do about the situation the way it is right now. Explaining yourself is not being codie or enabling ...... fixing, helping, trying to cure, trying to control, being manipulative is being codie and enabling. I am explaining myself to you here and now and I am in no way being codie or enabling.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
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Im wondering what you would do to help the children seeing as you cant take them into your home, as you indicated....and dont want to involve CPS, as you indicated.
I also think its dangerous to involve yourself here without a plan.
Do you have a plan..other than "What I have to"?
Im only asking as it seems very hurried and crisis oriented..something we codies seem to be drawn to.
I also think its dangerous to involve yourself here without a plan.
Do you have a plan..other than "What I have to"?
Im only asking as it seems very hurried and crisis oriented..something we codies seem to be drawn to.
grateful rca
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
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nutty:yes as far as i know, this is sudden and i don't know whats happening and am not concerned about their maratial issues. no body in the family can catch up with my d to find out. seems like she is avoiding everybody. children calling saying that they are hungrey, calling looking for their mom after days of being left, today, my grand d called from school looking for somebody to pick her up from the school after her mom's being an hour late.
maybe i am over reacting, you guys tell me to not ignore my gut feeling. my son knows the area that she's been hanging at, my #1 d seems to think that her eyes look glaze over, i talked to her last wk and she seems irrational. if there was a problem ever before, she always talked to someone in the family.
THIS HAS NOTHING TI DO WITH THEM, ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT THE KID RIGHT NOW
maybe i am over reacting, you guys tell me to not ignore my gut feeling. my son knows the area that she's been hanging at, my #1 d seems to think that her eyes look glaze over, i talked to her last wk and she seems irrational. if there was a problem ever before, she always talked to someone in the family.
THIS HAS NOTHING TI DO WITH THEM, ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT THE KID RIGHT NOW
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children calling saying that they are hungrey, calling looking for their mom after days of being left, today, my grand d called from school looking for somebody to pick her up from the school after her mom's being an hour late.
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