Help Please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: superior wi.
Posts: 4
lonely and frustrated
hi ,my name is Melanie and i only wrote on here once before many months ago ,but i read things on here all the time.Sometimes everyones writing just makes me cry but on the other hand its nice to know im not the only one out there going through confusion and frustration.
I have been with a alcohlic for 2 and a half years now,but i have known him since i was 16.We do not live together,so that i have as a plus. But i still feel like a prisoner in my own home. I have 4 children with my ex that live with me also ,im sure this is why my alcoholic has not made a commitment to live together.
I dont really even know where to start here,i just need someone to talk to. My life and myself has changed so much in the last 2 years i dont even know who I am anymore. I have no freinds nomore,i stay home waiting for him to call or show up in fear that if do go do something he will cause my kids fear and just show up here if i dont answer the phone.But yet he sits at home or does whatever and when he doesnt call or i dont hear form him thats ok,but when its the other way around ,i get yelled at for hours.So i dont even go anywhere anymore. This is not who I am ,I am a people person or used to be.So he is a closet drinker ,and that makes it hard to bring my kids to his house,the only time he wants to spend time with me is when I dont have my kids around.He is an only child and has a hard time being around people.So when we dont see each other its always my fault of coarse.We have gotten into many fights about this and me not leaving my children to see him. I am supose to make time. I wont do that,for me its all or nothing but with him being an alcoholic ,i dont want my kids around that. I dont even want to be around it nomore.I have so many opportunities to go out and be with normal people,and i have passed it all up.For what? To sit and wait for a phone call,to get yelled at,to have him show up drunk when i dont answer the phone.And why do i feel the need to stay in this type of relationship?I dont understand what has happened to my thinking.Why do I let someone control me that dont even live with me? That sounds crazy to me. He scares me,the threats ,the everything.I have tried to leave him and i end up staying in it just to avoid the hassle he will give me.How do i get out of this and go on with my life?When does the fear go away?How bad will it get?
I just moved into a new house,the kids and i did it all by ourselves. He promised to help me and promised to come over more. He didnt lift a finger to help me.And has been here once in 3 weeks. He calls all the time. My oldest daughter lives with her boyfreind and he has tried to even tell me that my daughters boyfreind is not aloud in my house because he dont like him.So one night when my alcoholic was drunk decided to drive by(he spys on me often)and he saw my daughters van and stopped,so I went outside and he asked me if my daughters boyfreind was in my house and I said yes.Well like i said i just moved into this neighbor hood,and people all around were outside and he starts screaming at me to get my daughters boyfreind out of my house and i had 2 minutes to do it,he kept circling my house until they left.And than my alcoholic drove home.He didnt come in,didnt stay around.My own daughter left because of his craziness.I sat and i just cryed.I cant invite anyone even over,in fear he will cause a big scene.And that is wrong.I dont have a problem with my daughters boyfreind,the two of them help me out all the time.To me they are welcome anytime.But now they are scared to come over.Last night my parents and sister and sisters husband came over and my alcoholic kept calling to see if they were gone yet, the last time he called while they were here he hung up on me because they were still here. He has not even met my parents yet. He avoids it.
And with all that he says he loves me and cant live without me.Every other weekend my kids go to there dads and i usually spend time at my alcoholics house,but i usually spend it being irritated because of his drinking.Thats all he does and cares about.On them weekends are terrible for me because it should be time i have away from my children,i end up being with him.He wont let me do anything with no one else.
I could go on and on. I just needed to vent and ask for help. Please help. Melanie
I have been with a alcohlic for 2 and a half years now,but i have known him since i was 16.We do not live together,so that i have as a plus. But i still feel like a prisoner in my own home. I have 4 children with my ex that live with me also ,im sure this is why my alcoholic has not made a commitment to live together.
I dont really even know where to start here,i just need someone to talk to. My life and myself has changed so much in the last 2 years i dont even know who I am anymore. I have no freinds nomore,i stay home waiting for him to call or show up in fear that if do go do something he will cause my kids fear and just show up here if i dont answer the phone.But yet he sits at home or does whatever and when he doesnt call or i dont hear form him thats ok,but when its the other way around ,i get yelled at for hours.So i dont even go anywhere anymore. This is not who I am ,I am a people person or used to be.So he is a closet drinker ,and that makes it hard to bring my kids to his house,the only time he wants to spend time with me is when I dont have my kids around.He is an only child and has a hard time being around people.So when we dont see each other its always my fault of coarse.We have gotten into many fights about this and me not leaving my children to see him. I am supose to make time. I wont do that,for me its all or nothing but with him being an alcoholic ,i dont want my kids around that. I dont even want to be around it nomore.I have so many opportunities to go out and be with normal people,and i have passed it all up.For what? To sit and wait for a phone call,to get yelled at,to have him show up drunk when i dont answer the phone.And why do i feel the need to stay in this type of relationship?I dont understand what has happened to my thinking.Why do I let someone control me that dont even live with me? That sounds crazy to me. He scares me,the threats ,the everything.I have tried to leave him and i end up staying in it just to avoid the hassle he will give me.How do i get out of this and go on with my life?When does the fear go away?How bad will it get?
I just moved into a new house,the kids and i did it all by ourselves. He promised to help me and promised to come over more. He didnt lift a finger to help me.And has been here once in 3 weeks. He calls all the time. My oldest daughter lives with her boyfreind and he has tried to even tell me that my daughters boyfreind is not aloud in my house because he dont like him.So one night when my alcoholic was drunk decided to drive by(he spys on me often)and he saw my daughters van and stopped,so I went outside and he asked me if my daughters boyfreind was in my house and I said yes.Well like i said i just moved into this neighbor hood,and people all around were outside and he starts screaming at me to get my daughters boyfreind out of my house and i had 2 minutes to do it,he kept circling my house until they left.And than my alcoholic drove home.He didnt come in,didnt stay around.My own daughter left because of his craziness.I sat and i just cryed.I cant invite anyone even over,in fear he will cause a big scene.And that is wrong.I dont have a problem with my daughters boyfreind,the two of them help me out all the time.To me they are welcome anytime.But now they are scared to come over.Last night my parents and sister and sisters husband came over and my alcoholic kept calling to see if they were gone yet, the last time he called while they were here he hung up on me because they were still here. He has not even met my parents yet. He avoids it.
And with all that he says he loves me and cant live without me.Every other weekend my kids go to there dads and i usually spend time at my alcoholics house,but i usually spend it being irritated because of his drinking.Thats all he does and cares about.On them weekends are terrible for me because it should be time i have away from my children,i end up being with him.He wont let me do anything with no one else.
I could go on and on. I just needed to vent and ask for help. Please help. Melanie
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Hey there Melanie. Folks with more experience than I will be along soon. In the meantime, why don't you post on the "Friends and Family" forum. It gets a lot more traffic. I hope you will hang in there.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Hi Melanie,
Wow...it sounds like you have yourself between a rock and a hard spot.
There are many of us (we call ourselves "codies"
in Friends and Family, Naranon, who have trouble making sense of why we do what we do. But we're learning...together.
My son is an addict, which is what brought me here, but I can relate to some of what you say based on my experience with my first husband.
Looking back I realize that:
I too avoided the embarassement and conflict and tolerated very wrong behavior.
The more possessive he was, the more I caved and managed to convince myself that that was his way of loving me.
What it was though was abuse...blatant abuse.
I was made to feel less than to protect his fragile ego.
See...it was him with the problem, but as long as he made me feel it was me then he was safe.
Sadly, it was how he was raised...and how he learned to love.
Melanie, your BF is abusing you. I know how hard it can be to seperate yourself from that, but it sounds as if you fear him.
We shouldn't fear those we love.
I wish I had a sure fire answer for you but I know it can be much more complicated than that.
There are others here who may have sound advice. The only thing that comes to my mind is get away from him before someone gets hurt. There are womens agencies who can help you to do that.
We walk together here.
We care
Stick around
(((hugs)))
Cece
Wow...it sounds like you have yourself between a rock and a hard spot.
There are many of us (we call ourselves "codies"
in Friends and Family, Naranon, who have trouble making sense of why we do what we do. But we're learning...together.My son is an addict, which is what brought me here, but I can relate to some of what you say based on my experience with my first husband.
Looking back I realize that:
I too avoided the embarassement and conflict and tolerated very wrong behavior.
The more possessive he was, the more I caved and managed to convince myself that that was his way of loving me.
What it was though was abuse...blatant abuse.
I was made to feel less than to protect his fragile ego.
See...it was him with the problem, but as long as he made me feel it was me then he was safe.
Sadly, it was how he was raised...and how he learned to love.
Melanie, your BF is abusing you. I know how hard it can be to seperate yourself from that, but it sounds as if you fear him.
We shouldn't fear those we love.
I wish I had a sure fire answer for you but I know it can be much more complicated than that.
There are others here who may have sound advice. The only thing that comes to my mind is get away from him before someone gets hurt. There are womens agencies who can help you to do that.
We walk together here.
We care
Stick around
(((hugs)))
Cece
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I agree with Lulu so I moved this here...
melanie36 Welcome!
Have you considered attending Al anon?
That is a free program to help people
to deal with alcoholics and their actions.
Others will be along soon to share with you..
Blessings
melanie36 Welcome!
Have you considered attending Al anon?
That is a free program to help people
to deal with alcoholics and their actions.
Others will be along soon to share with you..
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, melanie36
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. I read your post a couple times and I have to ask - what are you getting out of this relationship? Are you afraid to leave because he might hurt you? Do you think you are in physical danger?
It sounds like you do have the opportunity to go out and socialize. What keeps you tied to his anger when you don't even live together?
I went back and looked at your old posts and it looks like you posted a similar question last August. Has anything changed since then?
Also, have you ever tried support - such as Al-Anon or therapy?
Sorry for so many questions instead of advice, but this is what occurred to me as I was reading.
I understand how rough it can be to be involved with an alcoholic. Please stick around and others will also be along to offer you support. In the meantime, take care of yourself and know you are not alone.
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. I read your post a couple times and I have to ask - what are you getting out of this relationship? Are you afraid to leave because he might hurt you? Do you think you are in physical danger?
It sounds like you do have the opportunity to go out and socialize. What keeps you tied to his anger when you don't even live together?
I went back and looked at your old posts and it looks like you posted a similar question last August. Has anything changed since then?
Also, have you ever tried support - such as Al-Anon or therapy?
Sorry for so many questions instead of advice, but this is what occurred to me as I was reading.
I understand how rough it can be to be involved with an alcoholic. Please stick around and others will also be along to offer you support. In the meantime, take care of yourself and know you are not alone.
Followtheyellowbrickroad
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
Hi Melanie36, I understand Denny57's questions and try to understand that recovery often starts with a question. Please try to ask yourself why you are hanging onto this man and find as many resources as you can to gain knowledge about codependence and enabling. It helped me alot. Take care.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Welcome back, Melanie. Reading your post prompted me to ask the same question as Denny: What are you getting out of this relationship? As miserable as you are in this relationship, you must be getting something out of it or you wouldn't still be putting up with him. Some of the behavior you describe on the part of your boyfriend makes me uneasy. Sounds a bit like he's stalking you to me. Have you ever considered that possibility?
Perhaps in addition to joining a support group like Alanon you might want to do some serious internet research on alcoholism and behaviors associated with stalking, so you can learn how to identify the warning signs and determine what exent, if any, that you're dealing with. If it becomes obvious to you that he is indeed stalking you, or you become fearful that he'll harm you, you can always get an restraining order.
You had a prime opportunity to end the relationship and move on when you moved to your new home, but since he's followed you there, does that mean you invited him to come along? Or is he forcing himself into your life?
I'm also concerned that he wants to spend time with you and not your children. You say that you're feeling increasingly isolated, and that doesn't surprise me.
When my sister married an abusive man, the first thing he did was to isolate her from her family and friends. That way he was free to maniuplate her, emotionally and verbally abuse her, and physically abuse her without interference from family and friends.
If you haven't joined Alanon, please give it a try. It will help you clear your head so you can think straight.
Perhaps in addition to joining a support group like Alanon you might want to do some serious internet research on alcoholism and behaviors associated with stalking, so you can learn how to identify the warning signs and determine what exent, if any, that you're dealing with. If it becomes obvious to you that he is indeed stalking you, or you become fearful that he'll harm you, you can always get an restraining order.
You had a prime opportunity to end the relationship and move on when you moved to your new home, but since he's followed you there, does that mean you invited him to come along? Or is he forcing himself into your life?
I'm also concerned that he wants to spend time with you and not your children. You say that you're feeling increasingly isolated, and that doesn't surprise me.
When my sister married an abusive man, the first thing he did was to isolate her from her family and friends. That way he was free to maniuplate her, emotionally and verbally abuse her, and physically abuse her without interference from family and friends.
If you haven't joined Alanon, please give it a try. It will help you clear your head so you can think straight.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
He doesn't want to spend time with your children - you claim that you are a package deal...........so where do you see this relationship going?
He isolates you and controls who you associate with - even family members and friends of your children.......are you willing to give up every person you know to be with this man?
He drives around your house and checks up on you and calls numerous times - and has you have your guests leave but then doesn't even come see you................are you willing to be a prisoner in your own home and not have a life outside of him?
I'm sorry if I offend you. I am not normally so blunt. However, this man is abusive to you. He may not be physically violent, but he is emotionally and mentally cruel to you. He embarrasses you, he isolates you, he controls you, and is degrading to you by the way he screams at you, disrespects you and your family, etc.
As was already asked - what are YOU getting out of this relationship?
He isolates you and controls who you associate with - even family members and friends of your children.......are you willing to give up every person you know to be with this man?
He drives around your house and checks up on you and calls numerous times - and has you have your guests leave but then doesn't even come see you................are you willing to be a prisoner in your own home and not have a life outside of him?
I'm sorry if I offend you. I am not normally so blunt. However, this man is abusive to you. He may not be physically violent, but he is emotionally and mentally cruel to you. He embarrasses you, he isolates you, he controls you, and is degrading to you by the way he screams at you, disrespects you and your family, etc.
As was already asked - what are YOU getting out of this relationship?
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i am praying for you honey, in my opinion you and your kids are being abused in the worse way. i do agree with the others. when i met my ah, i had 4 kids from a previous marriage and even though he was an addict(i didn't know), he knew that we came as a package and i would not to this day allow any man to seperate me from my kids. i know that you don't want them around your a, but is that a message that you want to send to them?
i may not know what i am taking about but,he can't love you and not like your kids.
i have been bullied, stalked and threatened by my first hubby but no way was i gonna be held hostage in my own home especially since he didn't live with me. i suggest that you talk to sombody, crisis center, women shelter or even the poice, get a restaining order or what ever you need to do to be safe. there is help out there if you really decide that this is not what you want. you need a solid plan.
he sounds dangerous and i understand your fear, maybe you can go stay with family until you can get some help with this.
i really don't mean no harm, i am just telling you like i see it. it will only get worse. not that you have to make any hasty moves but if you really want out, something has to be done. this is definitly not love, he is controlling you and seems like you are allowing him to control your family.
other than this, i just don't know what to tell you. i pray that you get help and i hope that you keep us posted, somehow maybe we can help walk you through this. even though you think that you are, you are not alone. there is a way out but you will have to do some foot work or some finger work. be safe though and know that we are here for you. i wished that i was there with you, we would figure something out, he wouldn't like me either.
i may not know what i am taking about but,he can't love you and not like your kids.
i have been bullied, stalked and threatened by my first hubby but no way was i gonna be held hostage in my own home especially since he didn't live with me. i suggest that you talk to sombody, crisis center, women shelter or even the poice, get a restaining order or what ever you need to do to be safe. there is help out there if you really decide that this is not what you want. you need a solid plan.
he sounds dangerous and i understand your fear, maybe you can go stay with family until you can get some help with this.
i really don't mean no harm, i am just telling you like i see it. it will only get worse. not that you have to make any hasty moves but if you really want out, something has to be done. this is definitly not love, he is controlling you and seems like you are allowing him to control your family.
other than this, i just don't know what to tell you. i pray that you get help and i hope that you keep us posted, somehow maybe we can help walk you through this. even though you think that you are, you are not alone. there is a way out but you will have to do some foot work or some finger work. be safe though and know that we are here for you. i wished that i was there with you, we would figure something out, he wouldn't like me either.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi Mel,
This sounds similar to my relationship with my ex.
I can relate. I too wondered this..
This site helped me tremendously, as I didn't even realize why I was doing what I was, accepting what I was accepting, and tolerating such abuse.
I had to find out why I acted the way I did, before I could make any decisions regarding the relationship.
I hope you stick around, seek some prefessional help and al-anon, and read the stickies at the top of the forum...also the book, Co-Dependent No More, by Melody Beattie is a great help!
Hugs~
This sounds similar to my relationship with my ex.
I can relate. I too wondered this..
And why do i feel the need to stay in this type of relationship?I dont understand what has happened to my thinking. That sounds crazy to me
I had to find out why I acted the way I did, before I could make any decisions regarding the relationship.
I hope you stick around, seek some prefessional help and al-anon, and read the stickies at the top of the forum...also the book, Co-Dependent No More, by Melody Beattie is a great help!
Hugs~
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome Back to SR.
I cant add anything to what has been said. Someone that would have nothing to do with my child would simply just NOT be in my life as a potential partner...
You may be so far in the depth of all this that you dont see how abusive this behavior is... but we do, so lean on us and keep posting... maybe we can walk thought this together.
I cant add anything to what has been said. Someone that would have nothing to do with my child would simply just NOT be in my life as a potential partner...
You may be so far in the depth of all this that you dont see how abusive this behavior is... but we do, so lean on us and keep posting... maybe we can walk thought this together.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Just a suggestion, but I would do as teke suggested. Call the shelter and see if you and kids could disapear there for maybe a month, I would not involve family or friends, I would go talk to the police, I feel they need to know about this because of your childern. Change locks on the doors if he has a key, perhaps police would keep an eye on the house and be sure to get a restraing order. This is just suggestions, it is your life, but what a nightmare. keep us posted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: superior wi.
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by teke
i am praying for you honey, in my opinion you and your kids are being abused in the worse way. i do agree with the others. when i met my ah, i had 4 kids from a previous marriage and even though he was an addict(i didn't know), he knew that we came as a package and i would not to this day allow any man to seperate me from my kids. i know that you don't want them around your a, but is that a message that you want to send to them?
i may not know what i am taking about but,he can't love you and not like your kids.
i have been bullied, stalked and threatened by my first hubby but no way was i gonna be held hostage in my own home especially since he didn't live with me. i suggest that you talk to sombody, crisis center, women shelter or even the poice, get a restaining order or what ever you need to do to be safe. there is help out there if you really decide that this is not what you want. you need a solid plan.
he sounds dangerous and i understand your fear, maybe you can go stay with family until you can get some help with this.
i really don't mean no harm, i am just telling you like i see it. it will only get worse. not that you have to make any hasty moves but if you really want out, something has to be done. this is definitly not love, he is controlling you and seems like you are allowing him to control your family.
other than this, i just don't know what to tell you. i pray that you get help and i hope that you keep us posted, somehow maybe we can help walk you through this. even though you think that you are, you are not alone. there is a way out but you will have to do some foot work or some finger work. be safe though and know that we are here for you. i wished that i was there with you, we would figure something out, he wouldn't like me either.
i may not know what i am taking about but,he can't love you and not like your kids.
i have been bullied, stalked and threatened by my first hubby but no way was i gonna be held hostage in my own home especially since he didn't live with me. i suggest that you talk to sombody, crisis center, women shelter or even the poice, get a restaining order or what ever you need to do to be safe. there is help out there if you really decide that this is not what you want. you need a solid plan.
he sounds dangerous and i understand your fear, maybe you can go stay with family until you can get some help with this.
i really don't mean no harm, i am just telling you like i see it. it will only get worse. not that you have to make any hasty moves but if you really want out, something has to be done. this is definitly not love, he is controlling you and seems like you are allowing him to control your family.
other than this, i just don't know what to tell you. i pray that you get help and i hope that you keep us posted, somehow maybe we can help walk you through this. even though you think that you are, you are not alone. there is a way out but you will have to do some foot work or some finger work. be safe though and know that we are here for you. i wished that i was there with you, we would figure something out, he wouldn't like me either.
being we dont see each other anyways and softball should be a family event anyway(but he had every excuse why he cant be there),I told him I was done,done with it all.My kids deserve to play softball,and i will enjoy going. So , i told him I was done with him. No more!!!! Hes only called 10 times and left messages. I need to be strong,he has a way of making me feel guilty because he has high blood pressure and i will cause him to have a stroke you know,and oh yeah what will his parents think of me,his mom is so old how will she handle her son going through so much. Thats what he tells me. I need to not cave,this could be the beginning of freedom once again. wish me luck
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Stand firm in your decisions... I promise you will be much happier without all that Chaos.
You can not "cause" him to have a stroke, he has the choice to accept this by blowing his top and obsessing or by getting help. I was an obsessor and learned to reach out for help. Your not his caretaker.
Be VERY careful, he sounds REALLY unstable. Most A's will get much worse before they will leave you alone and this one is a stalker. If your really serious about ending this relationship, I would suggest a restraining order. Go no contact.. dont take his calls, have conversations to help him though, no mail, notes .... The no contact really helped me out alot.
You can not "cause" him to have a stroke, he has the choice to accept this by blowing his top and obsessing or by getting help. I was an obsessor and learned to reach out for help. Your not his caretaker.
Be VERY careful, he sounds REALLY unstable. Most A's will get much worse before they will leave you alone and this one is a stalker. If your really serious about ending this relationship, I would suggest a restraining order. Go no contact.. dont take his calls, have conversations to help him though, no mail, notes .... The no contact really helped me out alot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: superior wi.
Posts: 4
hello everyone,I need to learn how to use this i just posted along quote instead of sending a message back so who knows where that went.
Anyways to make this short I did tell him to stop and i dont want to be in this relationship no more.The phone has rang non stop after he told me he would leave us alone and not call or scare us.Wish me luck. I want to be Free again.
Anyways to make this short I did tell him to stop and i dont want to be in this relationship no more.The phone has rang non stop after he told me he would leave us alone and not call or scare us.Wish me luck. I want to be Free again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: New Focus
Posts: 687
Originally Posted by melanie36
Anyways to make this short I did tell him to stop and i dont want to be in this relationship no more.
, for sure your childern should not be exposed to this man for another minute ever.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: superior wi.
Posts: 4
I will be careful,the phone has rang nonstop,i quit listening to the messages because he was starting to get really mad and make threats. This is the point that I usually get weak. I keep telling my self I cant,be stong be strong be strong.But this time it feels diffrent,i dont feel bad, i almost feel like I have no feelings right now.Does that sound terrible? Thank you everyone. Melanie
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
that does not sound terrible to me mel, you sound determined. make sure that you have a plan of safety though. if he comes around and he might if you don't answer the phone, make sure you keep your phone handy. i am praying for you and please keep us posted.
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