Dirk_pitt

A little background first
Married 22 years one son 12yo. My wife does not work we decided long ago that she would be a home maker and stay at home mom. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar. Alcohol has taken over our lives it seems. Classical example I guess, Drinks and denies it, hides the alcohol, hides the empty cans/bottles, blames me etc etc. She says I am snooping when I know she has been drinking and I look in the closet and find the evidence. Blames me for getting mad about it and says I stay mad to long.
We went through this years ago after the birth of our son. Depression set in and the Dr basically just gave her xanax and of course she got hooked on them. This combined with the alcohol finally forced me to kick her out and she got some help. After that we got back together and things seemed to be going really well, I opened a second part time business and built a new house. Over the last year or two the alcohol has crept back into our lives and the problems have piled up again.
I told her last friday If she dont get it under control and stop buying alcohol I would basically cut her off financially, no cash, no checkbook, no credit cards etc. Of course she said she understood and didnt blame me if I did. In my heart I know this will do no good, and If i do cut her off everything will once again be my fault.
I have basically began to shut down, I go to work, go home, go to sleep, Do a (in my opinion since we agreed she wanted to be a homemaker) an unusually large portion of the housework. I dont hang out with friends anymore, dont go hunting, fishing, shooting anything any more. If I do I just know she will get drunk again.
I read the article on "enablers" and can see myself in there. When she drinks I get angry, I at times fly off the handle, threaten, pleade, give the cold shoulder etc. I just cant see myself ignoring the fact that she has gotten drunk again.
She was once a wonderful fun loving girl and we had so much fun together but this completely destroyed that person and all I have left is a shell of that person. I know she could come back if she would only face the problem and decide to act.
I am so tired of this. There has to be something I can do. There is so much stuff out there that seems like BS I dont know what to believe and what not to believe. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle the situation, to make her finally see the light?

ASpouse

There is nothing you can do to make her see the light. You tried that once before and it didn't work. I have no advice for you except to take care of you and get to some al anon meetings and bring your son to al ateen. If you are going to live with her, you need to live in spite of her, not because of her. Good luck to you.

Pick-a-name

No suggestion how to "make her see the light" (wish I did!) but ideas for handling you and your situation are a specialty here....so glad you joined us.

Your story sounds very similar, except I am the stay-at-home mom and it is AH who is the "drinker" in the family. Dynamics are the same, though.

There is so much information here that is helpful. Important to get through your head (and heart) are the 3 C's: you did not cause this, you can not control it and you can not cure it..........hard to accept, I know. But it becomes more freeing when you do , and stop fighting a losing battle. It also gies the disease back to your wife and she CAN do something about it.....if/when the consequences of not doing something are worse than doing it.

Have you read "Under the Influence", "Getting Them Sober" (order on their website), "Co_Dependent No More?" other good places to start,IMO. Al-anon. Open AA meetings.

Pull up a chair and oin us.....you are not alone.

Cynay

Welcome to SR... I look forward to getting to know you.

I think many people came here looking for answers/tricks on getting our loved one sober and helping them to see the light...

I hate to say that does not work, neither is cutting her off of money, threats, cold shoulders etc.... there is the 3 C's

You did not cause it, you can not cure it and you can not control it.

They are VERY true words... believe them and it will save you alot of heartach. But the good news is you CAN do something to make things better in your life... you can change yourself and help your son. I personally find alot of solutions in Al-anon thought it is not the only program ... You have to decide what kind of life you want, what your willing to live with, what your boundries are etc...

Please keep posting and reading ... educate yourself about the disease and hang with people that REALLY understand where your coming from

guyinNC

Our lives are similar. But then I think we all living similar lives with the maddness of of alcoholism.

I thought just like you for so long......I can save her, I just need to get her to see the light. I was wrong, so very wrong. I could not save her.....only she can save herself.

You can save yourself however, but you have to learn how to let go.

I am not there yet, but I am trying.

Good luck to you. You will find friends here that can help. They know much more than me!

Missy

Welcome to our club.. when you figure out that miracle let me know.
welcome to our forum... keep reading and recover with us.
karen xo

robina

Hi Dirk:

Welcome to SR. You are suffering from the effects of your wife's alcoholism, and it sounds like you are feeling desperate. You have come to the right place. There is help and hope for your situation.

But first things first... are you here to fix or cure her of this terrible disease?

It sounds like she is suffering from alcoholism, addiction to benzodiazapenes (xanax), and she is also suffering from mental illness...That is a lot for her (and her support system) to handle...

I have a few questions - have different supports been offered to her? Is she aware of AA, has she been offered addictions or mental health counselling? Are there any "dual diagnosis" support groups near where you live? ("dual diagnosis" is when a person is suffering from mental health issues in addition to addictions). Is she aware of detox and/or rehab places nearby? Does she have a mental health counsellor? Does she have any possible chance of surviving on her own, does she have job skills, does she have an education? (considering the fact that she has been sitting at home for years, being fully taken care of...)

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, Dirk, it just sounds like you've been a major ennabler over the years, and now the situation has become too painful to bear, and you know that something needs to change...

One option is simply to cut her loose and let her sink or swim. Another option is to start offering those various supports to her, and start setting boundaries with her, to at least give her a fighting chance...

That way, if you eventually do need to cut her loose, at least you can do so with a clear conscience, knowing that you gave her every possible chance to make things better for herself.

And now... what about you?
You cannot be strong for her if you do not start some sort of therapy and/or start attending Al-anon, and begin work on your own recovery program. Most folks with alcoholics in their lives do not realize just how sick they are until things get very bad indeed. (and it sounds like you have realized that)

Basically, you need to get some help for you. Personally, I have received a huge amount of help and healing by attending Al-anon meetings.

God Bless you and your family, Dirk.
There is help and hope and healing here.
Keep coming back.

Dirk_pitt

Desperate and lost

I guess so yes, to see if there is something I havent tried

She got off the xanax several years ago with the help of a rehab clinic, she had quit drinking after that also for several years.

I have told her we could get any kind of help she needs, she keeps saying she can do it on her own.
She went to AA for a while years ago but even then said she hated it.
there are noDual Diagnosis support groups that I am aware of.
She does have a counselor and I have had a couple of meetings with her and her counselor, I am the one who brought up the alcoholism.
She does have a HS education but really has no experiance to speak of, If it was to come down to that I guess her mother and sister would have to take care of her.

Yes I realize I have been, now I just have to learn how not to be one.

To cut her loose completely would make me feel like a failure and that I deserted her.

I have ner really thought about help for myself just what I can do to help her.

Thank you

LaTeeDa

Hi Dirk. I was in the same place about 8 months ago. I thought, why do I need help, it's my husband who has the problem.

You have said you need to learn how not to be an enabler. That is where the help for you comes in. Also, you can learn that you are responsible for your own life, and she is responsible for hers. I found out that I really did need help for myself, and by getting it, my life is much better now.

Also, I quit trying to control my husband and gave his problems back to him. What a relief! And you know what? I found out he wasn't as helpless and incompetent as I assumed he was.

Stick around and do some reading here. A change in perspective can change your life. It did mine.

L

MsPINKAcres

Dirk,
Several great suggestions of help and great places of recovery for your wife, AA, NA; Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, for you, Alateen for kids -
seek your HP's direction - keeping coming back - don't give up before the miracle happens - that is the miracle of restoration of hope in You!,
One Day At A Time,
Rita

Jazzman

Welcome to SR Dirk.
Pull up a chair and start w/ reading stickys at the top of the forum. A solid education on codependency would be a great start at getting help for yourself I would think. It helped me understand what part in the dance I played so I could stop.

Codependency no More by Melody Beattie would be a good book to read. I have found posting here a tremendous resource for learning and venting as well. Here's a link to another post in the "best of" section that I found very helpful....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

denny57

Welcome Dirk

Yep, I was also someone up until 10 months ago who thought I didn't need help for me. I was very focused on getting help for my AH, though. Now, he is still drinking and I have found Al-Anon, individual therapy and SR, and am healthier and happier than I ever thought I could be again.

I also do a lot of reading (books mentioned above), attend seminars and open AA meetings. Once I started bringing people into my life who truly understood what I was going through, everything started to change. Though my husband is still out there drinking, I am learning I do not have to live a life of despair.

Keep coming back and good luck to you.

Tally

I came here about a year ago asking how I could change my BF's behaviour, how could I make him see?
I've learnt only too well that I can't. I hoped for a miracle answer, a miracle cure, something I hadn't already said that would make him understand....

The sad thing is, I can't change him, I can't make him see, there's no miracle answer or cure and he doesn't and can't understand.

All we can do is change ourselves and let them go, let them deal with their responsibilities.

Reading about enabling, detachment and co-dependancy will help you enormously.

You need to start living your life for you and your son, regardless of what she is doing, get out of the house, see ur friends, take ur son out.

There's no point in getting angry, I've learnt that. You can yell, scream, cry, beg, nothing works...so in the end you only end up hurting and frustrating urself.

They drag us down with them if we let them, sink or swim time.

If you carry on reading here, your attitude and thoughts will change as you understand more, it's a great place, and although I'm still being dragged down alot of the time, this place has definately made things easier.

Best of luck xx

Dirk_pitt

ok I looked for local AlAnon meeting and finally found the meeting times. There are 4 meetings per week but the times they are scheduled will make them VERY difficult if not impossible for me to attend

I know I didnt cause it but I still want to cure it, I still want to control it. I still want my wife and my family back like it was.
I have never really failed at something imporntant something I really cared about yet right now i feel like such a failure.

denny57

hi dirk

Hang around here as much as you can. What makes the meetings a no-go?

There are other resources, though I do support face to face meetings because they've been so helpful for me. A lot of what I bring here about my recovery is a direct result of what I've learned in Al-Anon. But, there are other resources out there and I think it's probably time for you to really begin in earnest your education about addiction. Have you talked to your family doctor? Is therapy an option for you?

Keep reading here, though I don't think you'll find anyone who has learned to control or cure another person's addiction. I hope you will come to see that changes can occur if you start to change the only thing you can: you.

Dirk_pitt

Well the meeting times are in conflict with my work

Cynay

Your NOT a failure... If your wife had a brain tumor that put pressure on her brain and she was acting different then you had ever known and destrictive would that be your failure too?

She has the disease of Alcoholism...

It will take her hitting her bottom for her to decide to change this, until that happens the ONLY thing you can do is take care of you and the children. The reasons we get so sick with them is because of thinking we can help then when in all reality in helping them we make the situation worse and it takes them MUCH longer to hit the bottom.

How does that saying go... get out of the way and let God do his work. bahh something like that anyway

guyinNC

Dirk,

I so feel your pain. I still feel like you in so many ways. Intellectually, I know I must let go and let God. That I can't save my wife.

But like you, I remember the woman I once knew, or at least thought I knew. To allow her to destroy her life and I can only watch. I feel like I failed her and my kids for not being able to put things back together.

But I cannot do it. I am powerless over alcohol. My wife, soon to be Xwife made her choices. I have to make a choice too.

I want to be happy again. I'm tired of worrying. I want to live again.

It is the hardest thing I have ever faced, but I will succeed. For me and my children.

You are in my prayers my friend.