4LeafClover

I've had a peaceful week with my honey. There has been a lot of figuring out why he does what he does, and a lot of reminiscing. I am trying not to get my hopes up that everything is all better. Situations like this don't just happen like that. But it's the times like these that make it impossible for me to leave. I see what we are together and separate, and it's just good all around, for everybody. I keep hoping that this is the turning point in his life. He admitted to taking 70 xanaxes over the course of 3 days. Both of us are surprised it didn't kill him. According to him, he realized what he almost lost, not just me, but the life he had built for himself. I hope I'm not just being naive again.

GettingFree

Hi 4Leaf,
I'm glad you had a better week and got a break from the chaos. You're right to be cautious. Just keep your eyes open, wide and wise and hold on to what you've learned so far.

It sounds like he is expressing remorse and recognizing the serious nature of his problem -- which is an essential starting place. However, for this to be a turning point, there will be need to be some accountability to action. What has he said he is going to do, what concrete steps, to make this a turning point?

Only time will tell. It might help to think about and establish boundaries for yourself ahead of time. For example, you can say to yourself, "I'm hopeful and going to give this a chance. However, I need to see X and X in the next X amount of time as evidence that my bf is sincerely committed to change." And conversely, "If I see X or X, I am no longer willing to expose myself to more potential hurt."

That way you have a game plan going in, and can feel more in control -- not simply that you're a bystander, hoping and waiting.

best
gf

megamysterioso

(((4Leaf)))-- watch those actions more than anything. I hope that he is serious, but thinking about things, talking about them and actually doing there are such different things!! I've heard it all from my AH and he has never proven himself serious to me. I hope things work out better for you, but just continue to look out for YOURSELF first and foremost.

4LeafClover

Both of ya'll are right, and it's so comforting to have people there willing to help. I do have a question though. Do I tell him about the boundaries that I'm setting, or would that just make the situation worse?

teke

i agree with the others, watch those actions and take care of you, i am praying for you

laurie6781

4 Leaf I am glad you are posting. As to the boundaries, those boundaries are for you. Of course, tell him, if he chooses to ignore the boundaries you have set then the responsibility is on him not you.

You have the right to set boundaries within which you choose to live, for your own peace of mind and serenity. If he opts to cross those boundaries its his decision and the consequences are his also.

The hardest part about boundaries, at least for me, was I had to learn to 'stick with them'. ie Say what I mean, mean what I say. That in itself was a very 'scary' prospect for me. I used my al anon support system to help me and set one boundary at a time. Pretty soon, he had them all, and pretty soon, he crossed the line, then I really needed my support group, as I stuck to my guns and refused to allow him back in the house.

It is hard, I had to take it one step at a time. I hope for your sake, that his finally 'talking about his problem' IS THE FIRST STEP. A lot of this process, is as others have said, watch his actions. Words are just words (quacking, lol), the actions he takes or doesn't take, will be a better guideline of his intentions and seriousness.

JMHO

Keeping you and yours in my prayers.

Love and (((((to all))))),

megamysterioso

I agree with Laurie totally on the boundary setting. It is your right to clearly state what you are willing to do/tolerate and what you are not willing to do/tolerate. It is your life and you have to look out for yourself. Just be cautious about what is realistic to you. As Laurie said, sticking to the actual boundary is the hardest part. If you set one and you go back on your word on it, your AH will learn that your boundaries are as serious as the "quacking" of an alcoholic. Best of luck.

GettingFree

Hi 4Leaf,

As mega and laurie have said, the only danger in articulating a boundary is in failing to follow through once you do. In that case, a boundary becomes only a threat.

And in this way, the distinction between words and actions is no different for you than for him. Like Laurie says, it's one thing to say 'This is what I will and will not accept' -- and it's another to follow through.

It takes practice. I had to learn gradually what my boundaries actually were -- in all areas of my life -- let alone learn how to maintain them.

In terms of his actions, you might also just want to query him first before you communicate your own limits and expectations. Ask him directly what concrete steps he plans to take. That way you can learn what his own thoughts are and you can get a sense if he has taken this to the next step for himself first.

And if he does come back with a concrete step e.g "I'm going to go regularly to AA/NA meetings" you can always communicate your boundary/expectation then eg. "Great. And just so we're clear with one another, if that doesn't happen, this is where I stand etc etc.

Keep asking questions and posting,
gf