megamysterioso

I honestly do not care how far from "healthy" this is right now, but I can honestly say IN THIS MOMENT- that I hate my AH's character and despise that m-fer to the max!:uzi2: What a friggin' peaceful day it will be when I'm rid of him.

sunshine003

that's great but where's the details? I'm nosey like that.

sunshine003

BTW, I love thinking or typing the word "m -fer " when I'm angry, it's such a release for me.

I never say it to ah before anyone thinks that. As a matter of fact, even out of anger, I've never called him a single name and I don't think that's healthy, I don't care what they say, LOL. A well intended cuss word every now and again has to be healthy.

greenapplecider

way to go Mega!!!
perhaps to some it is not "healthy" but it seems to be a healthy release for you, so more power to you!

Zoey

mega, are you safe?? hugs and more hugs.

sunshine asked and I want details also

megamysterioso

Thanks everyone. Yes Clancy- I am safe. Basically- AH found an apt. option here in town and is trying to decide whether or not to stay here or move out of state. He was supposedly going to take this entire weekend to give it "real" consideration b/c Monday- he has to put a deposit down somewhere.

Instead of doing anything productive (no shock huh??), he gets trashed beyond trashed and starts making calls for cocaine again. Shortly after, he passed out dead drunk. I turned the ringers off b/c quite frankly--- I'm not interested in hearing drug dealers ringing my phone off the hook. Then, his drug dealer actually came over and I answered the door and simply told him that "he was passed out." The guy left, AH woke up a few hours later and proceeded to chew me out for not waking him.

I told him, "it's not my responsibility to make sure your 'drug deal' goes down and I'd appreciate it if you could possibly WAIT to kill yourself until I'm out of the house." I was not so "nice" sounding about it either. I am just SICK of his lack of caring. It proves to me time and time again that this guy is far from "OK." He is totally illogical. He was going to blow some of the money he has to move on the coke!!! I have NOOOOOOO respect for this man. I can't wait until I no longer have to bear witness to this stupidity.

megamysterioso

Yes Sunshine-- "m-fer" is liberating and I felt great about typing it last night!!!

Jazzman

No brain juices this morning....

Just try to get some peace whenever you can.

pmaslan

I know that feeling of just wanting to be done.
Many a night and into the early morning I had to see
John come in filthy, muddy from falling down and scrapped
and bleeding from falling down drunk. It was absolutely
disgusting. To my knowledge drugs were never involved,
a good thing with the amount of alcohol he consumed.
I longed for the day he would be gone and I would have
total peace. I have plenty of it now....but if truth be told
as awful as it was... on occassion...I do miss the man.
Hang in there your time will come soon.

teke

okay

so you think that he was gonna blow some of the money, hey, that aint bad. my ah never could blow some of the money, it took it all for him. to be honest and in my opinion, if he is only blowing some money right now, if he don't seek help, it won't be long before he will be blowing it all.

there is a saying "ONE IS NOT ENOUGH AND A THOUSAND IS TOO MANY"
this thing gets progressively worse and not better unless he wants it to. i too am a recovering addict and i never could do just a little bit of the money.

laurie6781

Hang in there Mega, you have less than 3 weeks now, and you are doing GREAT!!

I know how SAD it is to watch someone continue the downhill spiral. There but for the Grace of God go I. It hurts so much that they cannot or won't see what they are doing to themselves. I know to this day I still love both my ex-husbands. I just didn't like them and could not stand them when they were in the grips of their addictions.

I have to tell you when I read your initial post last night, I laughed out loud and thought "boy is she pizzed, good for her she's venting." I must also tell you that I am stealing your "m-fer" for future use. WHAT A GREAT NEW ADJCTIVE FOR ON LINE POSTING. I love it!!!!!!!

I hope your weather is nice for you today so you can get out and get some fresh air and just enjoy the day.

Hang in there Mega, I do care very much, although I haven't told you so, and I have had you in my prayers (where you will stay, lol) for quite some time now.

Go have some 'fun' today!!!

Love and hugs,

denny57

I spent a long time getting upset about these things, too. Everything got easier when I truly accepted that each (in my opinion) stupid thing he'd do might bring him to a moment of clarity and lead to sobriety. I get a lot of cross-eyed looks when I say that to some people, but I truly believe it and it has given me a great sense of serenity.

I miss the man but I do not miss the chaos. Hang in there mega.

megamysterioso

Thanks for sharing your stories everyone and for your support. I feel like I need it these days! I'm trying to be cooler than cool throughout this entire ordeal, but times like that just make me want to run for the hills- cussing all the way there!

Patty- it is disgusting to see someone you care about in that condition! Denny- I understand what you mean by taking some comfort in feeling like maybe these things will actually help the addict helps themselves. I don't think my AH truly "gets it" though. He rather seems to enjoy being a victim of his own stupidity.

Teke-- oh yes, I understand that it was very well possible for him to blow ALL the money. That's what makes all of this even stupider than it already is IMO. He constantly tries to rationalize his use of alcohol and drugs as "not that bad." He doesn't get that once he's past a certain point on his buzz meter that he has NOOOO control over it and certainly does not know when to say when. This morning he commented that "any call I made for coke was simply b/c I was REALLY drunk. I really don't want it." I'm thinking to myself--"well you're drunk 99% of the time so that is supposed to comfort me HOW????" It's not his job to comfort me about it anymore I know. I just do hate to watch this person make some of the most idiotic "decisions" I've ever seen.

Laurie sweetie - thank you for keeping me in your prayers. I need all of them I can get. I was very ticked last night and needed the vent . Today is a new day and come what may. I just can't wait until I'm in my new place!!!

denny57

Just take that one more step and it's what I'm talking about. I'm not sure I'm explaining it clearly. I don't take comfort in it, my life has serenity because I believe it. I would say no, he doesn't get it any more than my AH does. I have no idea, though, whether he is getting it - on his own timetable. So there may come the day he stops enjoying being a victim of his own stupidity. That certainly won't happen if I try to insert myself between him and stupid.

megamysterioso

Very wise words Denny and thank you.

deettah

Sometimes anger is a friend Mega. I know for me an angry place is a safe place right now. To break down would be a weakness for me and I don't trust myself as far as my AH is concerned. I know that I will breakdown, when I come to the point where it is safe to but for now angry is OK and you should not feel like it is a step back for you. You my dear have been moving forward and gaining momentum and you have much to be proud of. You are in my thoughts every day!

megamysterioso

Thank you Deettah. You're in my thoughts too and you stick to your resolve and do whatever you need to do to get yourself over "the hump" and to a healthier place. I'm pulling for you and do understand how confusing those mixed feelings can be. Be your own best friend sweetie and you will be fine.

sunshine003

well mega, it is pretty icky....him being so drunk that he passes out but wanting to get more messed up in the midst of it. he is illogical.

Can't wait for you to be gone either. However, I have a feeling you won't know what to do with yourself once you're gone. The calm is weird. For example, three of my children are gone for a week. I'm sitting here wondering what in the heck to do???? I don't feel stressed out and I'm not up and down taking care of someone, etc.

But, I have a feeling I'll do just fine, LOL. I'll figure out what to do, heehee, as you will

sunshine003

YOu suppose if I came up to see you with all the kids gone, the baby would see your ah passed out and run around trying to wake him, saying , "da da"......she'd be confused, LMAO.

aztchr

Mega,
I can't wait for you to be in your new place!! Are you getting a house or apartment? Focus on all of the fun you'll have there soon! My parents' house is a stepping stone toward something waiting for me. I just don't know what it is, yet.

Keep remembering YOU are most important and all of this insanity will stop soon!!