ICU

Without getting too off topic, how does one 'not' be a controlling/codie-like person but at the same time doing what needs to be done with respect to what is best for ailing parents that need tons of help with normal day to day things?

Just got back from having dinner with my folks. Got in a verbal snafu with my Dad, who is obstinate about getting things done with respect to my Mom who he 'thinks' has alzheimers. A year ago, a friggin year ago I gave him a brochure on another ailment that has similar syptoms to alzheimers, but, if caught early, can be reversed.

Well, now my Mom is having urinary accidents. I told him I would go out and get a package of Depends (adult diapers). He's afraid she'll take it wrong and object. Now I find out my Dad has a fat lip because when she gets angry, she assaults him, physically!

This is not good, and it's bringing back and triggering a lot of bad memories for me. Ones I just a couple of weeks ago was beginning to deal with.

I feel like I have to literally step in, buy the damn box of depends and put them on her myself. And, I feel like I should make the apt. with a neurologist and drive her there myself no matter what my Dad says. BUT, that makes me feel like a controlling person. That's something I've been working on NOT doing anymore.

Is it possible for it to be ok to be controlling (for lack of a better term) in a situation like this?

I am so stressed right now, but it's nothing compared to what my Dad is going through. But he doesn't take action quickly enough. Now we're in crisis mode, and, it possibly could have been prevented. That pisses me off.

Sorry, needed to vent....and there's a lot more where that came from.

cwohio

((icu)) if you feel it's the right thing to do, make the appt. and take her. just let your dad know that you are concerned about both of them. i don't think it's controlling when one of them can't take care of themselves. i feel for you - my mom is gone and my dad remarried a much younger woman so i don't think i will have to deal with a situation like this. it's got to be tough - especially the memories.

Jazzman

I don't think it would be codie/controlling to take the initiative that your Dad won't take for his own stubborn reasons.

I'm starting to have to get firm w/ my own Mother over certain types of decisions.... When they get to the point where they just can't do like they use to, but not quite yet in acceptance of their limitations, it's a balance.

ICU

Thanks Jazz and Christie.

I've pondered it a bit more, and I think I'm angry at myself and feeling guilty.

This, 'focusing on myself' has been good for me in many respects, and I'm glad I did it, 'cause I needed to!

However, by doing just that, 'focusing on myself' I now feel selfish, self-centered, and wasn't around them enough to get the 'whole truth' of their situation.

Had I been the busy-body, sticking my nose in other people's business like I used to do with my ex, perhaps I could have gotten her to a doctor earlier.

I'm just feeling like a rotten person and a failure as a daughter. And, my Dad is such a friggin martyr! At his expense and my mother's expense!

I suppose there must be a balance between not being a codie, focusing on myself, AND being there for them in a productive manner at the same time. And if there is, I've failed at recognizing it.

SIGH...think it's time for me to say goodnight. I haven't been in such a foul mood since I found pix awhile back!

mallowcup

You know that saying, "Your lack of planning is no emergancy to me", yeah right. So many things come to crisis and then your world has to stop because someone else did nothing. The plan always seems to include bellyaching, postponing, talking the problem, bellyaching some more and then you call the ambulance and sit at the hospital. Then you bring them home with a list of what eveyone can't do to help. I'm sorry this falls on you. If she won't go for the depends try kotex. I'd take her in for a full work up and let the doc dictate from the plan. It sounds like she could use a home health aide. Her medicare will pay for this service, if she qualifies for medicaid better yet, she will get services indefinately and she can also qualify for a personal care as't. One would help her dress and bath, one would help with cleaning, cooking and shopping. Ask the doc what services she might qualify for.

ilovebdj

Oh (((ICU)))....I think this is a different scenario entirely. I wouldn't feel codie by stepping up to the plate. To me it would be like taking care of children...if you have children, you would take care of them, feed them, bathe them, basically "control" their lives because they couldn't. Sounds like Mom might need you now, and Dad might be scared about the whole issue. It would just be you taking care of them, that's all. Much love and luck, honestly, you'll need it. I'll be thinking about you.

ICU

Thanks Mallowcup. The Kotex idea is something I'll consider if we can't get her to use the Depends.

Cindy, thanks. Basically the parent/child roles have been reversed here. I'm just not sure how good or effective I'll be in the parent role with the both of them.

I had to pitch a fit, threaten to walk out of their lives, etc. if my Dad didn't at least read the written literature I found for him on the Depends last night. I HATED feeling as though I had to get that way in order to shake him up and get him to take a step towards doing what has to be done.

Having to rely on inducing guilt and manipulative scare tactics with my Dad in order to effect action on his part is very scary to me. I don't want to return to that insane way of thinking and acting, but until I find a better way, that's exactly what I have to do. It's the only thing that works with him!!!

Like I said previously, I gave him that information on a possible condition over a year ago. I reminded him a couple of times, then let it go, so as not to be manipulating or controlling. He's just now thinking it's a possibility. Great....but now it could be too late for reversal of the condition. So letting go and not be controlling could have very likely cost my Mom any hope of having any kind of 'quality of life' for the rest of her remaining days.

Listen folks, I'm going to take a hiatus from SR for awhile. I need to 100% concentrate on them right now. Plus, in my current state of mind, I truly don't feel I have anything of use to offer anyone here right now.

I hope you all take good care of yourselves. Thanks for your support and I'll see 'ya when I get back.

P.S. Minnie, I don't know if you'll read this or not, but, have a wonderful time on your upcoming tour! I hope you and everyone you meet here have a blast!!! Any chance you might keep a journal of your adventures that you'd be willing to share???

libralady

(((icu)))
Aw! Hun! Listen, I know it is so diffiicult for you, but rest assured we are here and we love you! x

cwohio

((icu)) good luck and we'll miss you. don't forget to take care of yourself too.

BTW - i think a tour journal is an excellent idea for minnie!

teke

sorry about your parents and i know that it has to be hard on you too. i am praying for youa nd your