Missy

because we have in our lifetime distanted ourselves from people we know and sometimes people we love for less than our A's have done to/for us...

I really need to know what makes me stay with my AH. His sober days are less and less to the point where I am almost forgetting what it is like to have that wonderful man around. My dusk till dawn in nothing short of listening to screaming at me... making sick accusations, etc. etc. etc and in the morning they want their wife crawling all over them like nothing happened.
I'm so discusted with his body vodka smell, his bobbing of his drunken head, and hanging onto stuff while in a walking mode.
Neighbors hear him and blow it off...
He guards the door so I dont leave. he has slept in the hallway so I dont sneak out at night, (you know the stuff)
but yet we say we love these posessed people and dont consider leaving.
You know we are told this isnt the A. It is the disease, but where do we draw the line. I've learned to keep my mouth shut and just take all the crap.
then we do meltdowns one after another...
anyone feel the same??? or do I need to check into the looney bin. So wierd because I sit here at work and am on this forum... and no one has a clue what my life after work is about. So we bury ourselves in our job? GET A LIFE GIRL

Karen

Pick-a-name

Thank the good Lord you wrote this!! Yeah.......what IS it?????????

(recovered people........please be "gentle" (as you can be!..haha) with your responses.)

Karen...the good news is that at least now we are seeing and acknowleding it and trying to move away from this craziness! (the room still feels like a possibility for me! )

Tally

I ask myself "why?" and "what IS it?" ALL the time, maybe when we figure that out the problem will be lessened

elizabeth1979

So glad you asked!

I found for me, that it had nothing to do with the alcoholic. It wasnt that I was attracted to him. You are right, vodka smell, drunk acting, abusive behavior, not a turn on.

It was not that I was attracted to him. It was that I was unattracted to being alone and attracted to feeling needed.

That was me.

mfisher

I totally understand what you are saying, we hang on to what that person once was, even though they hardly exist, the memories are still there.
What happens to us who are involved with an alcoholic in unbelievable, nothing prepares us, as it is so illusive.
It is not something that you can really explain to others, it evolves and you never know what is going to happen next.
I found myself trying harder and harder to make my outside life look more and more perfect, as I could not understand or accept how terribly wrong things really were.
Then one day you hit your bottom, you seek help, you admit to what is really going on. All of our bottoms are different, something inside of you just clicks.
Some stay and learn to deal with it, some leave. I don't think it is a matter of loving our A's any more or less, it is a matter of loving ourselves and mangaging our level of tolerence.
You are not crazy, this is the normal progression in dealing with an alcoholic in your life.

laurie6781

I can tell you what part of it is.......We alkie/addicts are the BEST MANIPULATORS (CON MEN AND WOMEN) in the world.

We can sell refrigerators to Eskimos and we make great Used Car Sales Personnel.

I use the above as examples. We get you hooked. Then even though we progress in our disease, periodically a teeny bit of the person you thought you knew pops back up to reel you in one more time.

Now I know all this, absolutely, and yet once I was sober and in recovery, I too got reeled in, roflmao.

It's just a fact, that for a long time while practicing our addiction, we wear many different hats, and can change them at will.

But, eventually our TRUE COLORS come through, and eventually our 'loved ones' get so fed up that they do throw in the towel.

On the other side of the fence, when we 'love' a person practicing their addition, it can take an awful lot of abuse before we finally say ENOUGH. Thats why programs like Al anon are so Very Very Important. That is why I also believe you hear "every alcoholic and/or addict affects 20 other people."

I know the above is not a solution, but I do believe it is true.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

Missy

The thing is... it makes us so restricted. you cant plan anything ahead where socializing is an issue. I cant invite people over maybe until the last minute because I feel out the intoxication first.
by the time I want to walk out for the night.. I am too tired so I curl up/ It isnt hard to put AH on "ignore" but the noise gives me a headache.
My Al-anon group has tapes we can check out and sometimes I throw one of those in.
I know it is my choice to stay, my choice to put up. Why do I choose that sickening life????
Part of me doesnt even like people I used to like that I work with. They talk of their family adventures, home life and the norm kid stuff. And here we are.... my highlight of the week are my al-anon meetings. No home life. I cringe listening to others and what they do on weekends.

I guess I need to call my sponsor. you guys go give a light and reality that even our sponsors cant do.... so i will hang out and keep reading.
thank you xxoo
Karen

pmaslan

Karen old cliche but here it goes...

We leave when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I know that was very true of me....

(((Karen))

denny57

I think it all boils down to what is acceptable in each of our own lives. Every alcoholic is an individual who behaves in a certain way, as each of us are and do.

My AH did not have any of the behaviors you describe. He had some other behaviors I could no longer live with and I made that choice for myself. I stayed as long as I did because it was progressive. It eventually reached a place where I could not accept it as my life anymore. I also knew I would have to accept him as he is or move on. Though I love my AH very much, I hated his alcoholic behavior and I didn't stay.

I hope you can come to some peace in your life with him because I believe we all deserve the best life possible.

(((Karen)))

gypsyrose

I have lived exacty the life you are describing and possibly worse. It started getting better when I decided I wouldn't live with it anymore. When I told my AH he had to chose between the bottle and his family it was after I had left with no contact for three weeks. Being gone for three weeks is what it took for me to get to the point where I could make the decision that I wouldn't live with it any more. I walked out without saying goodbye and took the time I needed to figure things out. I'd never even threatened to leave before. He's still actively working on trying to get sober. It's a lot harder for him than either of us thought it would be. We still have our bad days but it seems to be getting progressively better instead of progressively worse.

For me, that is the important thing, because unless he is getting better, he is getting worse. That is how the alcohol effects him. And if he is getting worse, the man I love becomes buried deeper and deeper in a monster that I won't live with anymore. That's how I got to where I am now. I am not naive enough to think that there are any guarantees at this point but at least there is hope.

There are also boundaries. If my AH slips and is stinking of vodka in the morning, he knows he won't be crawling around on me in the morning. As a matter of fact, he knows if he wants "enthusiasm" from me in the morning, he better have been being nice the night before.

LaTeeDa

My bottom came when I realized that this is MY life. And it's the only one I get. Then I asked myself if this how I want to spend what's left of it. The answer was NO!

I can't tell you exactly how I got to that point, or what it was that "clicked," but I just knew I didn't want to continue living the way I was.

L

Missy

This is all making my eyes leak sitting in my workplace.. I will read more later.
You know here how it feels. Like we fall in love without even knowing youse guys(midwest lingo)
then again if we'd ever meet,,, there would be no reason for intros.
Doesnt that make you feel soooo good?

Tally

Ooo I love the rank smell of booze on his breath, seeing the vomit on the floor (that I refuse to clear up!!), love watching him drool when he's asleep, love listening to him slur his words when he speaks to me, love watching him stumble around when he's trying to walk, love listening to the mean and hurtful words that come out of his mouth when he's mid rant, love looking through those deadened eyes, love the dirt under his fingernails, love reading msn logs of him flirting/cybering with other girls, love reading the IE history of all the porn he's been watching in my absense, I love the suspiciousness, the untruths, the deception, the paranoia......
I love washing his dishes, cleaning up his mess, taking on his resposibilities etc...

How could you NOT love all that!!!!!

Missy

The MISSUS:

You made me laugh so loud... the people in the office wanted to rush right over and see what I was doing.... ugh!
good think I'm a fast clicker.

StandingStrong

I have known my ah since I was 6 years old, so I have a lot of great and wonderful memories of him before the addiction took over. It is those glimpses of the "old him" that I get now and then as well as the memories that have kept me by his side, continuously waiting and hoping that the man I fell in love with would return to me.
There is nothing attractive about the alcoholic to me - it's the man that was there before the disease took over. That's the man that I love and that's the man that I miss.
But I also learned through it all - I had to learn to love myself instead of loving ah as my number one priority.

Sapphire

Missus ~ that was absolutely hilarious!!!

For me I can pinpoint it down exactly. My AH spends all his sober hours trying to "rope the moon" for me, he wants to make me happy and I could ask for anything and get it. He is the best looking man I have ever been with and when I left my first husband my self esteem was so shot that to have this "god" love me was unbelieveable to me. I have spent my whole life wondering why ANYONE would love me. These days I have gotten beyond that and for me the good times we have together are still outweighing the bad.

For each of us it is a matter of how much are WE willing to put up with?? I think we all get to that point of when we just say "I have had enough, and I deserve better than this" That is the day we stand on our own two feet and decide to either walk out the door or make other changes.

I personally can't stand my husband when he is drunk. He grates on my nerves and I try to avoid him the best I can. I usually laugh at him and when he falls asleep on the toilet, I leave him there. The hardest part for me is the emotional rollercoaster of loving/hating him and never knowing where the line is and how to feel.

GettingFree

I've always had trouble with this line because I think it can be really confusing when people are in a lot of pain in very destructive situations. I've seen abused women stay in abusive situations because it's not really their A husband hitting them, it's a disease hitting them. It doesn't seem fair. It seems like rhetoric that's become twisted and actually ends up hurting the very people it's supposed to help.

In your post Karen, I almost hear, "I'm told I should just live with this or accept this because it's not really the person, it's the disease." It's almost as if it seems you feel you may not have the right to be totally enraged, furious and resentful at what has become of your life. So your confusion about what you should feel is understandable.

I don't mean to offend. And I don't want to open up a whole theoretical discussion again. But when I see this in print, I have some pretty emotional feelings about it. I guess that's rerdundant!

gf

megamysterioso

My AH ceased becoming attrative to me when all of my respect for him (b/c of stinking booze, irrational behavior, emotional abuse, stumbling, fighting, ranting, etc.) left the relationship. I could honestly look at him and not feel proud that he was my husband. Someone even asked me in public once if he was my husband, to which I replied, "unfortunately."

I think we all get to the point of no return at one point or another or else we simply accept that we have no options and deal with the active A to the best of our ability. It almost sounds as if you are doing that right now. I'm sorry you're so unhappy Karen and I really feel for you. I DO know how miserable it can be. There's always an exit door though and don't you forget it.

Cynay

I just love Alcoholics....

You know I see it as the Frog effect.

If you put a frog in a room tempture pan on the stove and very slowly start turning up the heat she will not jump out of the hot water cuz he gets use to it.... Same thing for me, put me in a loving relationship and very slowly start turning up the alcohol .. I will die in the relationship because Im use to it.

Also have you thought about it this way, Alcoholics are GREAT manuplators, we can all agree on that right... Think about how much time and effort they put into covering up things, lying etc... pretty creative right? Well my ex A's were just as creative in finding way to keep me happy enough to put up with what they were doing... Very smart men if you think about it.

I have issues with normal relationships too (well I have only had a couple of normal ones) because I grew up in this chaos, therefore to me its normal. I find a normal relationship boring often. I know that sounds dumb but I sometimes feel that way, like there is no passion/excitement because there are no real highs and lows ...

Does that make since?

DesertEyes

I draw the line when my life is being harmed by their behavior.

My understanding of marriage is that two people will do their best efforts to be supportive of each other. When one half of that team stops doing their best efforts, then there is no longer a team, and that marriage is over.

My understanding of the "disease" is that the _cause_ of my addicted wife's behavior was _not_ me, or a failing in me. The cause was in her addiction to pain pills. That is no different than diabetes, or a stroke. What is different is that she chose _not_ to take action to deal with her disease, but instead chose to feed it.

My understanding of _my_ disease of "codie-ism" is that knowing that my wife had chosed to pursue a self-destructive path I chose to live in a fantasy world inhabited by the woman she used to be, instead of the woman she had become. My disease did me a great deal of harm, and allowed her to go deeper into her addiction as a result of my "enabling" actions.

What was important to me in becoming aware of the "disease" is that it allowed me to see my wife as two separate people. One person was the kind, adorable and loving person I married, and shared life with some 15yrs, and the person she turned into as a result of the disease. The "disease" concept allowed me to see when the changes started, how those changes came about as a result of the chemicals, and how they would continue to progress as long as I continued to enable her.

Mike