sunshine003

I made the mistake of checking my e mail today. Well, it's not a mistake, it is my e mail. how about this, I've made the mistake of not blocking ah from sending me e mail.

It was a long, drawn out plea. Same old, just more gush, longing and fluff than ever. The "I love you more than anythings" flowed like crazy. Along with the "let me show you's" and some "I can't lose yous" mixed in.

For some reason, the flood gates opened. It got to me. Underneath it all, it's sometimes, difficult to see through it. It's so hard to remember "quack" when you want to care about someone, when it would be so easy to reach out and hug that man, the one behind just the email.


Then I have to remember that same man also did all the other stuff.

Why can't he just be the email?

LaTeeDa

Maybe it would help to think of it as the pendulum swinging. On one side he is out of control and hurtful, on the other side he is sickenly sweet. Do you really want either one? Personally, I would like a relationship with someone who only goes a little bit to one side or the other. Not someone who is all over the map.

The grief process is no fun, but the sadness will lessen. (((Sunshine)))

L

minnie

Oh, sweetie. I don't know what to say without wallowing in my own stuff. If he could, I have no doubt he would. It's just easier to talk it than walk it. You know I've been there. You know I've heard the words.

I have spoken to R once in about 7 months, I think. I have no idea, tbh. He stopped when he knew I was serious. There is someone under that facade, but I am fairly sure I have never met him. The crap and the fluff - neither are anywhere near his "authentic self". Hey ho, I hope he finds him before life really passes him by.

teke

would be nice if he could be the email, huh. lol

sunshine003

Lateeda, you're right, a balance is necessary in a relationship. One extreme or the other, is not a safe place to be.

Minnie, as usual, your words make me unable to wallow. It's so easy sometimes to find yourself in the "wallowing/wishing place." Then I put it out there and ya'll come along and I remember why I like it here.

gypsyrose

I know how I would feel... I haven't gotten to the point where I'm leaving my AH but I can imagine it happenning about as easily as I can imagine his being successful in his recovery at this point... and I know if I left, no matter how much of a monster he is capable of becoming, if the voice of the man I love managed to find a way to communicate from within the monster it was buried in... it would just break my heart. How many times have we had our hearts broken and survived? One time more won't kill us but I know it still hurts.

ASpouse

Yes sunshine, you are better than this and Minnie ...... you always always say the right thing!

sunshine003

I am better than this, I know better than this....I keep repeating this to myself.

I have glimpses in my mind that I push out. I remember the day I gave birth to our daughter, I remember how proud he was and how he laid in the hospital bed with me all day. Just us, holding her together. Then I remember leaving the hospital the next day, having to leave her there....I was tired but was kept up all night due to his drunkenness. There is such sweetness but also such insanity.

At least I no longer ONLY hold onto the sweetness as if that's the REAL him and all this other stuff "he doesn't mean."

I believe I have a LOT of denial left here, I see it and struggle with it.

The newest thing I'm realizing is, I believe he is capable of hurting me physically. But then, I think I'm being dramatic. I don't know what's right....what is denial or real.

megamysterioso

(((Sunshine)))- my support for you and my hugs are always with you. It is very difficult when our AH's present themselves as "sincere" to not empathize and "go soft." I think you have a beautiful heart and spirit and it is simply not in your nature to hate. It is definitely not in mine- even if I come across as a raging lunatic at times. Just remember that everything that is happening now is the consequence of his own making. All of us could have had "the dream" at some point. Our AH's never allowed that to happen. Grant it, that it is NEVER all their fault. I've made plenty of mistakes out of good intentions when dealing with my AH. I just took too long in coming to terms with the truth of our situation. He will not "get better" and I've only been getting worse throughout our relationship. Life is just too short for all this. I feel like I've missed too much joy in the world b/c of my relationship with him already. Hugs to you sweetheart and hopefully, you can move out and onward very soon.

GettingFree

I was reminded again tonight by a reply in another thread that these kinds of seductions are reminders of the past.

Sunshine...I don't know your past or childhood. But for me, I know when I feel drawn in by glimpses of love, kindness, etc. it's a reminder of being a child and wanting my father to truly be there for me and love me. To, as you say, be that person.

I'm learning that we're drawn to those who present the same lessons we need to learn to heal the past. When I can remind myself of why I'm being drawn in -- "Oh yeah, this is familiar!" -- it helps me remove the hooks from out of my flesh.

gf

denny57

Sunshine, listen to your gut on this and don't brush it aside with fears of being dramatic. You're an intelligent woman, so please don't make light of what you feel is true.

I think it's very normal to remember the good times - because they were good. Just because there are bad times, they don't necessarily cancel out the good. I remember and go over many good times my AH and I had. I get sad, but I still know in my heart I've done the right thing.

Take care.

sunshine003

thanks denny. you're right, there were good times. It's just that sometimes, when I have glimpses of them in my mind, I find myself wanting to forget the bad. at least I recognize that. it's what I mean when I say I realize I still am capable of being in denial.

Without worrying about being dramatic then, ok, I do believe if he were in such a mood while drunk, right now, given the circumstances, that he isn't above harming me physically.

Yet, I'm not afraid of him, just saying I don't doubt that he isnt capable of doing something um, what's the word??? doing something weird?? I don't know what the word for it is, something just feels strange.

GettingBy

It's completely okay to acknowledge that fact that he is a human who has a loving, caring sensitive side. But I think it's far more important to acknowledge the whole reality... he's a sensitive, caring man... who's very sick. He has a disease that he's not willing to face, and that disease's one objective is tear every life it comes into contact with into tiny shreds. It's so tempting to see all the good, and overlook the disease, but that's our denial. That's our disease.

Definetely mourn the loss, but do it from a distance. Don't allow yourself to get sucked back into the dance.

ASpouse

That's all part of the seduction of an addict.

lovemypup

I can remember when I left the house and my A was standing in the driveway watching me pull away with tears in his eyes. I know at the time it was hard for him to see me leave.
It was hard on me to see him cry. He only cried maybe once in our 27 yrs of marriage. I still get teary eyed thinking about it and I have been divorced since jan.
So the point is we still have a heart and we are not just cold human beings even after what they have done to us. That is recovery to me.