lizzy girl

Hi,
I've been feeling lately as though my life is in a dream like state. My husband has been sober for 3 months (this time) Seems like we are just going through the day-to-day motions and things are basically "normal". Neither want to drag up painful emotions, so we can't seem to talk about anything related to his drinking or sobriety for that matter. He isn't working any program or therapy. I don't discuss my counselling sessions with him. We tip toe around each other.

It seems like this period of sobriety is just a dream and that active drinking is the real reality, always right around the corner. Does this make sense? I guess I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop.

sunshine003

It makes perfect sense to me. When my ah isn't drinking, I feel like that as well. We can't talk about the drinking and pain it's caused because he isn't ready to take responsibility an dis in such denial over it's impact. Although he'll admit he shouldn't drink, that's about all he'll admit too. So, I can't get my hurts out and we are supposed to just "move on." But I have become so accustomed to it that I can sense when the shoe is getting ready to drop....can't quite get over the past but can't move onto the future because I just KNOW what's coming. It's hard to live in the present with all the
mistrust. He thinks overnight, it should disappear because he "isn't drinking any more". If it doesn't disappear then he gets angry. As long as I act like I believe in him, he's happy.....then he'll drink again it's screw everyone for putting so much pressure on him.

equus

I think live in the moment, and deal with what the moment needs. Right now is real - and it's wasted in trying to see the future or second guessing it.

D and I had a quiet period and slowly got back talking about things - now I say openly and often when I feel a sense of happiness at the changes or feel a moment of fear. It's a learning process not something there ready made.

D doesn't do a programme either but I'm not asleep, my days are real, VERY real.

teke

hi

i agree with equus, been there done that but i get stuck too and i know how hard it is to have to bite your tongue and tip toe around. i am so sorry that you have to go through this.

mallowcup

It is hard not waiting for the bottom to drop out. It's like talking aobut it will jinx what seems like progress. I think your feelings are very normal. I think it makes you realize how tramatized you really are, how it has changed you and effected you. Once you CAN breathe easier, you are afraid to.

Cynay

I think its quite normal too... I have also noticed alot of A's that are not working a program do want to sweep it all under the carpet. Eqqus's D is a exception.

But I also think If I were living with a recoverying A I would only allow that for so long. Unfortunally the "issues" dont go away if you dont work at it. Not talking about your fears/wants/worries/hurts etc is not healthy either and pretending it has not happened is not going to help anyone in the long run.

He is not working a program but are you? Counceling??? Even though he may not be ready to deal with the issues does not mean that you cant. You could take the beginning 6 months of his sobriety and work on your recovery and then perhaps you will be in a better place when its time to talk about it with him??

mallowcup

I remember finding it ironic that I needed to get treatment for someone elses drinking problems. I spent so much time talking about the effects of alcohol and I don't drink. There is some kind of sick humor in there.

minnie

I don't know about anyone else, but I didn't really need treatment for someone else's drinking problems, I needed help with my lousy decision making.

Yes, Lizzy, it makes sense to me. Open and honest communication is a real goal for me in relationships of any kind and I have difficulty with "drawing a line in the sand" *shudders* That said, I can resolve many of the hurts and disappointments outwith any relationship to a large extent. I hope you are addressing these with your counsellor.

Janitw

I can't comment on this topic but I do feel your pain, and I say a prayer for you okay.

Janet

lizzy girl

Guess what, last night the other shoe dropped. My reality is back! Oh, how familiar it is. Maybe my post was a sign I could feel something was about to happen. How did I deal with finding him drunk? Not great, but not as angry as I used to get before I started counseling, or posting here. So maybe I have made some progress. I just feel very sad and kicked in the stomach today.

sunshine003

sorry lizzy girl. I believe you were sensing something. I could see my ah's pattern so clearly when I wasn't too sucked in. Perhaps that is what it is with you? For example, my ah would be really nice, the few days before a binge. Really nice but yet jumpy, as if he feared I could see his thoughts. He also would get kinda quiet. I dont know how to explain it but I could SEE the change.`

denny57

(((lizzy)))

Sorry this happened. The positive in it could be that your instincts were right and you can start to honor them more. Please keep posting and take good care of yourself.

megamysterioso

I'm very sorry that he's back at it Lizzy. Remaining sober is a lifelong commitment and unfortunately, there are bound to be slips here and there. It is what follows the "slip" that matters. It is so easy for the downward spiral of it to take hold once again. I can relate to "the other shoe" very well. Living with an active A has conditioned me to always expect the worst with him. It is sad, but true and that's why I can no longer stay with him.