i have a question also...
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
i have a question also...
ok...i don't know if this is alcoholic/addict or past issues behavior?
But
some time ago i had let Kathy down by lying to her and then a couple weeks later i had lied to her again (altho she stresses the first lie i told she had made me aware of how serious it was to not lie about things)
and so we talked and talked and talked and talked and seemed to be ok.
Well tonight she says to me that she cannot trust my word, does not trust me that i am being honest with her and cannot get past the fact that i had lied to her the 2nd time even tho the first time she had made it aware that it was very serious.
I told her that i ve been very honest and realized that i had hurt her and made her upset and apologized 600 times about it and was trying to regain her trust and was not sure what i needed to do to regain it, as i ve tried to start to regain her trust again.
She said well i cannot get past that 2nd lie that you said
and it s really upset me and is the reason that i've been depressed lately.
PLEASE HELP ME!!!
But
some time ago i had let Kathy down by lying to her and then a couple weeks later i had lied to her again (altho she stresses the first lie i told she had made me aware of how serious it was to not lie about things)
and so we talked and talked and talked and talked and seemed to be ok.
Well tonight she says to me that she cannot trust my word, does not trust me that i am being honest with her and cannot get past the fact that i had lied to her the 2nd time even tho the first time she had made it aware that it was very serious.
I told her that i ve been very honest and realized that i had hurt her and made her upset and apologized 600 times about it and was trying to regain her trust and was not sure what i needed to do to regain it, as i ve tried to start to regain her trust again.
She said well i cannot get past that 2nd lie that you said
and it s really upset me and is the reason that i've been depressed lately.
PLEASE HELP ME!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
The reality is, if she cannot get past it, then she cannot. There is nothing you can do to change the way she feels. If you both are committed to making the relationship work, then trust can be regained. But the only person you can control is YOU. You may be able to be truthful from here on, but if she cannot get past the past, there is nothing you can do about it.
You are both just starting on the recovery path. My experience has been that both people need to work on themselves ALOT before even attempting to work on the relationship. I have been separated from my husband of 17 years for more than 8 months now, and we are only beginning to try and rebuild our relationship. This is something you can't rush. Both people need to get healthy individually before they can be healthy together. Maybe it will be different for you, but this is how it has been for me. And I would rather take it slow than try to rush and end up in a mess again.
As always, my opinion only.
L
You are both just starting on the recovery path. My experience has been that both people need to work on themselves ALOT before even attempting to work on the relationship. I have been separated from my husband of 17 years for more than 8 months now, and we are only beginning to try and rebuild our relationship. This is something you can't rush. Both people need to get healthy individually before they can be healthy together. Maybe it will be different for you, but this is how it has been for me. And I would rather take it slow than try to rush and end up in a mess again.
As always, my opinion only.
L
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Hi greenapple. I really agree with LTD on this one. Broken trust takes a long time to repair. If she feels that she cannot get past it right now, then maybe she cannot. As LTD said, you two are in such early stages of recovery that you should not feel the need to rush things. If she needs a little breathing room to sort through her feelings right now, then let her take this time. There is not much you can do to suddenly make things better. What you can do though is continue working on your own recovery. You will feel better about yourself and gain a clearer perspective on you and Kathy's relationship. If it is "meant to be," it will come to pass.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Also....amends doesn't mean you have to apologize over and over and over again. Once is enough. Then you do not make the same mistake again. Or at least that is how I understand amends.
I would feel hurt and humiliated if I apologize 600 times.....and sometimes the repeated apologies just make it worse.
only my opinion
I would feel hurt and humiliated if I apologize 600 times.....and sometimes the repeated apologies just make it worse.
only my opinion
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
although when she did call me to talk about the loss of our friend i did say just in case somethign ever were to happen to me that i want you to know i love you kathy and i m sorry i hurt you, she said if somethign were to happen to me i love you very much, yuo mean the world to me apple
i asked for forgiveness she said she didnt know
but then she had to go i said i love you, and she said love you too and said take care and hung up
i asked for forgiveness she said she didnt know
but then she had to go i said i love you, and she said love you too and said take care and hung up
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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I am going out on a limb here....but all this focus on that one thing makes for a good distraction for alot of other things and keeps you on the defensive.
You have made amends, it is up to her to accept that or not....but since you are still involved it seems that she does want to be with you. So, then it is time to stop belittling you over this.
You may need to prepare and develop a boundary regarding this.
You have made amends, it is up to her to accept that or not....but since you are still involved it seems that she does want to be with you. So, then it is time to stop belittling you over this.
You may need to prepare and develop a boundary regarding this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
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Posts: 127
well i am not sure if we are "involved"
she did introduce me to some people she knew in the midst of our talk tonight and said this is my boyfriend apple
but we talked more and then she eventually drove off in a huff
boundary? explain pls?
she did introduce me to some people she knew in the midst of our talk tonight and said this is my boyfriend apple
but we talked more and then she eventually drove off in a huff
boundary? explain pls?
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Boundary=I have told you I am sorry. I will not do it again. I will not fight about it anymore. It is in the past. If I lie to you again, it is open for discussion.
And then you enforce the boundary. Do not discuss it anymore.
(This is only an example, your boundaries are whatever they are to you)
L
And then you enforce the boundary. Do not discuss it anymore.
(This is only an example, your boundaries are whatever they are to you)
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
yea ltd i tried that
and she still wanted to fight about it and how i had hurt her etc
i said i thought we had moved on after we talked for 4 hours on sunday
and she said well i thought but i cannot get past it, etc etc
and she still wanted to fight about it and how i had hurt her etc
i said i thought we had moved on after we talked for 4 hours on sunday
and she said well i thought but i cannot get past it, etc etc
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Join Date: Nov 2002
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Yeah, what ltd said....I would probably point out that I was honest in admitting my mistake, therefore an honest person (you didn't have to tell her you lied, but you were honest...that's speaks alot), that you have apologized and will not do it again, whether she can accept that or not is now out of your hands and is her choice but you will not (borrowing from ltd) keep picking at this scab, discuss it or fight about it anymore.
And again ltd is totally on, if she will not accept that, hang up, walk away, get in your car and leave, call a cab....but back your boundary up.....that is the MOST important part. Say what you mean and mean what you say...or this will go on forever and a day. Show respect for yourself, keep your dignity and just refuse however you have to go about that.
It is hard. We codies spend years learning boundaries......but they better our lives, our self-esteem and relationships immeasurably.
Stop trying to placate her.
And again ltd is totally on, if she will not accept that, hang up, walk away, get in your car and leave, call a cab....but back your boundary up.....that is the MOST important part. Say what you mean and mean what you say...or this will go on forever and a day. Show respect for yourself, keep your dignity and just refuse however you have to go about that.
It is hard. We codies spend years learning boundaries......but they better our lives, our self-esteem and relationships immeasurably.
Stop trying to placate her.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
yea
i mean granted i did get caught lying and i have admitted to her that she did catch me in a lie 2 times
and i ve apologized for that and tried to make amends....but she won't have it
i mean granted i did get caught lying and i have admitted to her that she did catch me in a lie 2 times
and i ve apologized for that and tried to make amends....but she won't have it
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I know I come off so direct (that's being nice to me 
Not to excuse it but have you ever known a person who hasn't lied ever? Has she never lied? Is calling you her boyfriend one day and then not the next day/week/minute not a lie?
NO relationship is going to make it without mutual respect. I think you are being bullied about this and harped upon and and and. That is not respect.
Look....I lied to my husband. I promised him I would never pick up another hitchiker again. Well, last weekend I saw this young kid hiking down the highway in unbearable heat...I was going the other way...when I came back, I gave him a lift...I took him farther than I was going...he told me that everyone else who picked him up just offered him beers. I took him into a c-store bought him water, gatorade, pizza for now and peanut butter for later. I had asked him if he had eaten that day and he said no. Boy, I didn't want my hubby mad at me or even reminding me that I had promised. But he was glad I told him and told him the truth and while he did say that it worried him, I had probably built up some lovely karma and he knew it came from having a good heart. So I did worse than lie, I broke a promise. I admitted it. He loves me and does not want to beat me up verbally. Just said yes, it does make me uneasy, please be careful.
That is communication and love in action. And respect.
And beside what good would berating me have done....?
AND it was OUR money that I spent.
what do ya think?
I wouldn't keep responding if I didn't feel empathy for you,,,,you know that?
Not to excuse it but have you ever known a person who hasn't lied ever? Has she never lied? Is calling you her boyfriend one day and then not the next day/week/minute not a lie?
NO relationship is going to make it without mutual respect. I think you are being bullied about this and harped upon and and and. That is not respect.
Look....I lied to my husband. I promised him I would never pick up another hitchiker again. Well, last weekend I saw this young kid hiking down the highway in unbearable heat...I was going the other way...when I came back, I gave him a lift...I took him farther than I was going...he told me that everyone else who picked him up just offered him beers. I took him into a c-store bought him water, gatorade, pizza for now and peanut butter for later. I had asked him if he had eaten that day and he said no. Boy, I didn't want my hubby mad at me or even reminding me that I had promised. But he was glad I told him and told him the truth and while he did say that it worried him, I had probably built up some lovely karma and he knew it came from having a good heart. So I did worse than lie, I broke a promise. I admitted it. He loves me and does not want to beat me up verbally. Just said yes, it does make me uneasy, please be careful.
That is communication and love in action. And respect.
And beside what good would berating me have done....?
AND it was OUR money that I spent.
what do ya think?
I wouldn't keep responding if I didn't feel empathy for you,,,,you know that?
Member
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Also....one time since we have been together he started yelling at me in an uncalled for manner....I said I will not listen to this and I will not accept disrespect and you have NO right to speak to me in this manner....I walked out of the room and closed the door behind me.
It hasn't happened again.
It hasn't happened again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
live tyvm
yea i mean i KNOW i hurt her both times and i ve felt bad for doing that
and have tried to make amends and have said i know i need to earn your trust again and know that you were upset that you 2 times caught me in lies that hurt you, but, she has lied in past and we've moved on, so i want her to let us move on now as well
yea i mean i KNOW i hurt her both times and i ve felt bad for doing that
and have tried to make amends and have said i know i need to earn your trust again and know that you were upset that you 2 times caught me in lies that hurt you, but, she has lied in past and we've moved on, so i want her to let us move on now as well
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