earlybird

I have three brothers. One older. Two younger. The oldest of the two younger literally hates the ground I walk on. He is a know-it-all type. From his boss at work, all the way up to the president of the united states,......if only every last living thing would do what HE thinks,....everything would be ok. He refuses to get on board with me getting sober. Treats me WORSE than he used to. Textbook role-in-the-family being threatened behavior. I was warned about this going in, so, I can handle that part of it. He was always somewhat of a jerk, so this isnt a HUGE suprise. But today,...he dealt a blow that hit me pretty hard. Two days ago, I stopped into The Disney Store and bought his daughter (my niece) something. Just some pink pajamas from the new "Cars" movie. Thought they'd look cute on her. Shes almost 2. Abby is her name. I love her dearly. My brother is holding such childish resentment toward me that he told my Mom to tell ME that he doesnt want my stupid gift, or any further gifts for HIS daughter. His daughter is off limits to me. And he said that Jill,...his wife,...feels the same way. Now, I have never done anything to him or her. All Jill really knows of me, is that I was on the last legs of a drinking problem and finally got better. The better half of our relationship between Jill and I has been with me clean and sober. All her negative outlook upon me has been through conveyed info from my brother to her. One-sided B.S. Of course he is her husband and she believes him. On mothers day my family all went to the retirement home to spend it with my Grandma. During the course of the stay, I picked up Abby and held her and she just loves me by the way. Tonight, my Mom told me that Jeff had told her that it REEEEAAALLLY bothered him to see me holding his daughter. Where is the love between brothers??? I finally got sober,....almost killed me,......and instead of atleast KIND OF coming around to MAYBE the side of being SORT OF civil,....he decides to go the other way and decend even further into unhealthy hate and resentment toward me. Now,......he has involved his own daughter in it. He is acting like the two year old here. Using his daughter as a means to hurt me. Like shes not even an animate object. Like "Here,...I know this has absolutely nothing to do with our feud, but, I know this will hurt you, so .....you cant see your niece anymore,....so there." He found a way to hurt me. I love my niece so very much. And it makes me want to cry. Really cry.

nogard

Hi earlybird,

Sometimes family can be the hardest to handle and the most hurtful. Perhaps time will change things, its certain that your recovery will change things even if not your relationaship with your brother.

Have you tried meeting him somewhere neutral and having a chat?

Keep doing the drill

Love Kevin

Anna

Families members can really cause so much pain to one another. First of all, EB, you should know that you are not alone in having issues with family members. Your brothers beahviour, stopping you from spending time with your neice, is just so sad. He must have a lot of resentment, anger, jealousy towards you. Like Kevin said, have you tried talking to him and his wife, to explain how much this is hurting you? Maybe you could talk to them about how hard you've worked to change your life. I don't know if it would work, but I believe in being forthright and when something is really a problem, talk about it.

CarolD

I pray you can find peace with this hurtful situation.

lulu70

((((((earlybird)))))) I'm so sorry. I can kind of relate as my daughter's father has estranged himself from his parents and as a result, she hasn't seen her paternal grandparents in over 5 years. I think that is just sick.

Why do people have to be that way? I don't know. I wish I had some magic cure for them. I know it must be awful to go around hating people like that. So awful, I don't think they realize what real happiness is!

We're here for you, and please feel free to come and talk about whatever you need to whenever you need to.

Hugs to you--

earlybird

It makes me confused. Abby knows nothing of my drinking problem. How could she? Shes only 2. I have the chance to have an honest to goodness family member know only the sober me. The honest me. He wants to corrupt that. She sees me in a room at a family gathering or my parents house and smiles and comes up to me,...shows me her toys,...wants me to pick her up. Now what am I supposed to do?? Ignore her, and get up and walk away?? So as to not upset my brother? This is what my Mother suggests. The rest of the family gets to interact with her and I must pretend shes not there. How can they do this? This whole situation is ludicrous. How can I act like nothing is going on when theres this 2 year old who only knows that her Uncle is in the room and wants to see him? My brothers plan would be perfect if it was about, like, staying away from his car or something, but, this is about a living breathing member of my family who just wants love from her uncle. She doesnt know or understand that Im off limits. Its an unhealthy way of raising a child. He hates me, and by God,....hes going to teach her to hate me too, come hell or high water. Its childish to say the least.

2dayzmuse

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. How very hurtful and childish. It appears as if you brother resents the fact that you are recovering and doing well. It's hard to really say what is fueling his resentments. I hope the two of you can work through it. Resentments are a pointless waste of time. Very sad all around...

laurie6781

Hey EB sounds to me like it's your brother who has the problem. Maybe some jealousy on his part, you are starting to get some respect from your family for what you are accomplishing.

Sounds like your brother has some self worth probelms. I'm sorry you won't be able to be around your niece, but that is not written on a tablet in the desert, so.............give it some time.

As long as I have been around, it seems that family is the one thing that causes all of us problems and family seems to be the hardest to come to grips with. But things do change.

Keep doing what you are doing. Your learning to live sober. Now before your anger and resentment get any worse, why not pray for your brother for the next 14 days, that HP give him everything he ever wanted. Now mind you, if you miss a day then you have to start the 14 day period over again. By the time you actually make 14 days straight, your anger and resentment will most likely be gone.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

Etimee

((((Earlybird!)))))

I agree with Laurie above. Do pray for him, it does help.

It's a tough spot to be in. Family situations can hurt and halt us the most because we care so much about living in serenity. This is far from it. I have been in hard spots with members of my family too.

One thing that jumps out at me here is why is your mother in the middle of all this? I know that it is hurtful for a mother to see her children at odds. Can you tell her that you don't want her to be in the middle anymore? Are you going to her with your woes and she is simply trying to help you?

C'mon say it with me now... "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

As far as your neice, she is innocent and the only one who truly doesn't understand or care. Her love is unconditional and that is the toughest part. It is nice to be loved for who you are from anybody.

I have gotten past some difficult times in the past with my family members but it came from me. I finally accepted the fact that I truly love one of my sisters but I don't have to like her. I have put another one of my sister's in God's hands, it is the only place she's safe. I have looked past my history with another one of my sister's and try to accept her for who she is today and she is tolerable, lol. Sometimes, I pray for my mother in law to be happy to find something to be happy about today. I handle it much better and how I say a prayer of thanks at times because it is a miracle after prayer how she will have a smile from ear to ear. It blows me away!

You're in my prayers. :-)

Etimee

Kickit

Earlybird, so sorry to hear this. Your brother sounds like he has the problem now. He is probably so mad because at the bottom of him he does love you and so his hurt, jealousy and bitterness is harder to deal with than for someone he has never cared about.

Why do people use their kids to hurt people, it happens in divorces alot too, it hurts the kids (and them) in the end.

As suggested could you talk to your mum? Maybe she could agree, in time, to mediate, or get your brother to agree to meet you, perhaps with mediation involved?

Hope things work out, you've helped me alot in the short time I've been posting. One thing I do know, no one has the right to stop anyone loving anyone else. Post your gift to your neice c/o your mum's house if needs be?

Love and hugs

aloneagainor

It's hard to be healthy, or even know what healthy is, when surrounded by dysfunctionally excessive egocentric sickness. Your confusion is substantiated by this, don't be sidetracked by the distortion your family is creating. Yesterday you wrote on another thread addressing the subject of selfishness in people, particularly involving close family members, and there clearly recognized that aspect of human nature that is self-centered, destructively egocentric. People can be so self-absorbed, they'll even use other people (brothers and sisters and children and spouses all) to validate themselves, using others as a stepping stone to prop themselves up...in their own mind. However, Earlybird, you know how it works, that people can and do see through that distorted masquerade. After a storm, the scum eventually separates out from the water, the water returns to being pure and life-giving, and the scum gets washed away. Character does matter. Your brother will likely continue to push you to generate a negative reaction out of you, and if he succeeds in making you hostile and angry (or worse, threatens your sobriety with his tactics) he wins! And he'll effectively have separated you from your niece. However, if you remain true to yourself and maintain a level of calm rationality, responding to your niece as she engages you (and she WILL be drawn to you as she FEELS love emanating from you to her) no-one will have any right OR influence to tell her she cannot interact with you. It's something of an exercize in faith here, going on what you know is right and true, that the outcome will in time result in the positive of your continued connection to your niece. Your family will see through your brother's games, if you play this right.

OctoberKayte

Oh, earlybird!

Your brother is being hideous! I am so sorry that your mom is not helping. I don't mean to disrespect her, but she sounds a lot like MY mother: "Don't rock the boat. Deny YOUR feelings so I can avoid dealing with this.".

I agree with aloneagain- you should respond to your niece as often as you wish. Go ahead and smile and engage her in conversation- get down to her level and look at her toys. He will look like a gigantic ass if he tries to say, "Hey, you! Stop being kind to my child!". If you bow to his wishes, your niece will be confused- why did you pull away? Did SHE do something wrong? She will come to realize that your brother has some problems and will recognize you as a stable force in her life. Your brother needs to grow up and realize that children are NOT property. There are a lot of things he should do- BUT, since you can't change him, be true to yourself. And your niece. She is lucky to have an aunt who loves her so much!

Kayte

wishful

"... you should respond to your niece as often as you wish. Go ahead and smile and engage her in conversation- get down to her level and look at her toys. He will look like a gigantic ass if he tries to say, "Hey, you! Stop being kind to my child!".

I'll second that! Yes, it sounds like you need to work things out with your brother, but your relationship with your niece is something you shouldn't sacrifice in the meantime. Looks like you've got lots of great suggestions already, so just wanted to say I'll be thinking about you and keeping you (and your brother) in my prayers - stay strong and keep in touch with us.

Luckyv2

Thank you EB for the post, and man did you help me today to get out of ME! I was consumed with feelings that I wasn't even sure what was going on with me, maybe self-pity, maybe not getting attention that I think I need on a thread, maybe a combination of things. But when I read what you wrote, of course it brought to my mind the part on Page 417 in the AA Big Book 4th edition on Acceptance. I like the part where it says "Until I could accept life on life's terms I could not be happy." also the part where it says,

So since I have read what you wrote, and since I could oh so relate, it made me think of a solution. Since I thought of that passage in the Big Book, I now have a much better attitude today. Yep, thanks a bunch.

Love Vic

earlybird

I know. I do 'get' the life on lifes terms thing. I really do. But this isnt life on lifes terms to me. This is one S.O.B. corrupting lifes terms. Its harder for me to get over it. I will. I know it will work out. Today,...I went over to pick up the "denied Gift" and return it,...while there, my Mom told me that while over at my Grandmas retirement home for Mothers Day, my brother saw me pick up my niece and carry her, play with her, and just generally interact with her. My S.O.B. brother walked over to my Mom and whispered, "Either you DO something,....or I WILL!" The guy actually threatened to "start" something with me in the activity room of a retirement home. Classy. How very white trash of him. I mean what was THAT? Mothers Day with my grandma,.....or auditions for "Who wants to be on 'CoPs'?" Anyways,...he showed his true colors,....my Mom told him "Do NOT give me,...YOUR MOTHER, an ultimatum!" So she ended up NOT doing anything,......and neither did "Billy Bada55"....he ended up leaving early without his wife or Abby. I WONDERED why he had left early that day. Now I find out this all went down right under my nose. How pointless and sad.

aloneagainor

WHAT is with your mother, stoking the fire like this??!! I'm seeing HER as a bigger part of this problem now than I am your brother. She's playing both of you against each other, sort of in a "there's a finite amount of love to go around and I'm going to claim as much of it for myself as I can." It's WEIRD, Earlybird. She's putting a bizarre spin on things that's prompts me (an outsider looking in) to question HER motives.

Phinneas

I don't think you do "get" it, EB. Life on life's terms means we cannot control people, places or things and, better yet, we stop trying.

I would back away for awhile and do what the BB suggests - pray for your brother daily for as long as it takes to break free from the resentment.

Also, have you considered that your family of origin may not be healthy for you? I would consider backing away from the whole clan.

It's not easy, I know. I hope you are talking about this with your sponsor and in meetings, too.

Luckyv2

Oh my EB like we ourselves haven't created stuff in our past, using and abusing days. We are not by any means much different. They say that if something is making you mad, it might be a good thing to look at yourself.

I know that I am not perfect, nope wouldn't want to be. We do however have to try and do something different. Latter on in the chapter on page 417 it says:

I know that I am that person, the chief critic. It is so easy to see what we want to see, and we are so able to point out those things that disturb us, yet it is hard for us to be able to see the good, for we are not looking for that, because we are looking at it with self-centered eyes.

The next chapter of that same Acceptance thing is really good also......

The hard part for me is to accept that I am the problem, it isn't my upbringing, my addiction, my alcoholism, or anything else. If I am not the problem then there would be no solution. There is also another part in the book that talks about praying for that person that you resent. I know that works, praying for them even if your words are only words and you don't mean it. But like the last part says, it is better if I don't give advice. Sending good thoughts your way.

Love Vic :banandan

Irish Virus

Earlybird:

I read some of your earlier threads that you started to see if there was
any history to the resentment between your bro and yourself. I came across this one in which your mother evidently paints you as a time bomb
to your bros who is ready to kill the whole family. Now of course I do not know your family history, but there seemed to be a lot of friction not so long ago.

" told your brothers that if anything ever happens to your Father and I,....tell the police to look closely at Erik" ............. But she must understand that if my brothers are silly enough to believe this,...it could RUIN my relationship with them. I mean lets be honest here and come right out and say what she was incinuating,....she wants my brothers to believe that she really thinks that I may murder them."

In your own words you state that this could ruin your relationship with your brothers. Could it stand to reason that your mother also advised your brother to keep Erik away from his own neice for fear of what you might do.

It doesn't sound too far fetched to me that your mom and brothers view you as a loose canon whether you are sober or not. If your brother believed you were capable of murder, he sure could believe that you are capable of doing something hideous with his own daughter as well. Maybe he is just trying to protect his daughter because he doesn't believe your are right in the head yet. It doesn't make it right, it's just the way I see the situation.

Good luck.

nogard

hey earlybird,

how are you going? Would be good to hear from you.

Kevin