Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I've heard that saying so many times on this board.
I've repeatedly talked to Ah about his lack of parenting (in my opinion) of our children - but especially the oldest one that lives with him. Just a few short weeks ago, I finally gave in and called him on it again as son was almost bragging to me about some things as he knows there was nothing I could do about it. (planning to fight some kid at school and breaking his driving restrictions to drive his gf home after school, etc). Son is a great kid, I just feel that he is having way too much freedom and is becoming cocky! Anyways...a week after having talked to AH again, our son informed us that his girlfriend is pregnant. She graduated this year, but son will be a senior next year! I was not surprised by the news, though I truly feel this girl is not the right one for him and have thought so from day one. However, I am being the supportive parent and trying to make the best of the situation. As they were temporarily broke up though due to her supposedly cheating on him, but not sleeping with anyone else, I am unsure how I feel about this whole pregnancy. I've encouraged son to have a paternity test though I feel he won't as he's in love with the girl. *sigh* Oh well.......there's nothing I can do at this point but do the best I can.
Ah and I have been thrown back into communication recently due to some various things concerning the kids. I realized that AH was getting hope again that we were on our way to reconciliating. So I approached that situation head on and again asked him if he was going to give me what I'd asked for - to which I got the same reaction I always do - anger! So this is where the "Nothing changes if nothing changes" saying came rattling through my head.
I have since been back to the attorney and the dissolution papers are in the process of being drawn up. My attorney is cancelling our child support hearing also as they were not being fair in their assesment and the dissolution will better provide for our kids.
Another "Nothing changes if nothing changes" moment. Ah got a DUI. His first one. I handled it well, I have to say. I simply told him that I was disappointed in him and that was it. I did not fret, I did not worry, I did not attend court with him, or provide any enabling as I left it upon himself to deal with it as well as make arrangements for the kids and their activities on the weekends that he has had them. His DUI is not my problem - and I'm amazed that I see that - as any other situation, I've made his problems become my problem. So I do see progress within myself there.
I've also started on some home improvement projects to keep me busy. Granted, I have to start small due to lack of money but it's been nice to get some things done around here. Granted, they are small projects and I'm not done yet, but it's a start (here's some pictures, I'd post them here but I dont' know how to resize them. http://s81.photobucket.com/albums/j206/gb1969/) See, I really have been doing something constructive! LOL
It is with a heavy heart that I find myself in the process of this dissolution as I still love AH very much. In recent months, I have gotten glimpses of the man that he used to be - the one that I loved so very much. However, his wanting to just forget the past and start over (avoiding the baggage and issues) is not going to work as I feel that I deserve more than that. His recent DUI as well as attitude when I tried to talk to him was just more proof that "nothing changes if nothing changes". He won't "talk" to me about certain issues - and I can't avoid the issues. So here we are. Plus I need to be responsible for my children and that means getting some of the financial issues fixed and the child support payments going, etc. and the only way I know how to do this is do the dissolution. I feel now that perhaps I've been irresponsible in the aspect of the children as far as some of this stuff is concerned.
*sigh* Anyways........that is what I'm doing now. I know I've not been too active on the board lately - just trying to do the best I can do. I've been reading though, I'm still here.
Oh, and the kids and I are out "living" now. My oldest is coming around more often, the kids and I are playing putt putt golf occassionally and hitting the area's festivals and whantot. So I am "out there" trying to have a life. so that's another positive.
Just thought I"d update you all.
I've repeatedly talked to Ah about his lack of parenting (in my opinion) of our children - but especially the oldest one that lives with him. Just a few short weeks ago, I finally gave in and called him on it again as son was almost bragging to me about some things as he knows there was nothing I could do about it. (planning to fight some kid at school and breaking his driving restrictions to drive his gf home after school, etc). Son is a great kid, I just feel that he is having way too much freedom and is becoming cocky! Anyways...a week after having talked to AH again, our son informed us that his girlfriend is pregnant. She graduated this year, but son will be a senior next year! I was not surprised by the news, though I truly feel this girl is not the right one for him and have thought so from day one. However, I am being the supportive parent and trying to make the best of the situation. As they were temporarily broke up though due to her supposedly cheating on him, but not sleeping with anyone else, I am unsure how I feel about this whole pregnancy. I've encouraged son to have a paternity test though I feel he won't as he's in love with the girl. *sigh* Oh well.......there's nothing I can do at this point but do the best I can.
Ah and I have been thrown back into communication recently due to some various things concerning the kids. I realized that AH was getting hope again that we were on our way to reconciliating. So I approached that situation head on and again asked him if he was going to give me what I'd asked for - to which I got the same reaction I always do - anger! So this is where the "Nothing changes if nothing changes" saying came rattling through my head.
I have since been back to the attorney and the dissolution papers are in the process of being drawn up. My attorney is cancelling our child support hearing also as they were not being fair in their assesment and the dissolution will better provide for our kids.
Another "Nothing changes if nothing changes" moment. Ah got a DUI. His first one. I handled it well, I have to say. I simply told him that I was disappointed in him and that was it. I did not fret, I did not worry, I did not attend court with him, or provide any enabling as I left it upon himself to deal with it as well as make arrangements for the kids and their activities on the weekends that he has had them. His DUI is not my problem - and I'm amazed that I see that - as any other situation, I've made his problems become my problem. So I do see progress within myself there.
I've also started on some home improvement projects to keep me busy. Granted, I have to start small due to lack of money but it's been nice to get some things done around here. Granted, they are small projects and I'm not done yet, but it's a start (here's some pictures, I'd post them here but I dont' know how to resize them. http://s81.photobucket.com/albums/j206/gb1969/) See, I really have been doing something constructive! LOL
It is with a heavy heart that I find myself in the process of this dissolution as I still love AH very much. In recent months, I have gotten glimpses of the man that he used to be - the one that I loved so very much. However, his wanting to just forget the past and start over (avoiding the baggage and issues) is not going to work as I feel that I deserve more than that. His recent DUI as well as attitude when I tried to talk to him was just more proof that "nothing changes if nothing changes". He won't "talk" to me about certain issues - and I can't avoid the issues. So here we are. Plus I need to be responsible for my children and that means getting some of the financial issues fixed and the child support payments going, etc. and the only way I know how to do this is do the dissolution. I feel now that perhaps I've been irresponsible in the aspect of the children as far as some of this stuff is concerned.
*sigh* Anyways........that is what I'm doing now. I know I've not been too active on the board lately - just trying to do the best I can do. I've been reading though, I'm still here.
Oh, and the kids and I are out "living" now. My oldest is coming around more often, the kids and I are playing putt putt golf occassionally and hitting the area's festivals and whantot. So I am "out there" trying to have a life. so that's another positive.
Just thought I"d update you all.
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
Ah got a DUI. His first one. I handled it well, I have to say. I simply told him that I was disappointed in him and that was it. I did not fret, I did not worry, I did not attend court with him, or provide any enabling as I left it upon himself to deal with it as well as make arrangements for the kids and their activities on the weekends that he has had them. His DUI is not my problem - and I'm amazed that I see that - as any other situation, I've made his problems become my problem. So I do see progress within myself there.
God Bless.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
((SS))- I am sorry to hear about the pregnancy actually. That is not what any teenager needs to be faced with IMO. Sounds like you're dealing with it in the best way you can.
As a codie in very early recovery, I have so far learned this truth:
It is unfair of us to expect anyone to change the VERY NATURE of who they are. We can either accept them as is or let them go. We can choose how we wish to live and if people fail to meet our expections (and there is NO wrong in having expectations), we do not have to live with them. Everyone is an individual and for me to expect someone to conform to my OWN standards when it goes against their very grain is unfair to them. It is also me not being honest with myself. I, for one, would never want to live with man that is wearing a thin facade just to please me. To me, it would not be a healthy and honest relationship. All the best to you and keep us posted.
So I approached that situation head on and again asked him if he was going to give me what I'd asked for - to which I got the same reaction I always do - anger! So this is where the "Nothing changes if nothing changes" saying came rattling through my head.
It is unfair of us to expect anyone to change the VERY NATURE of who they are. We can either accept them as is or let them go. We can choose how we wish to live and if people fail to meet our expections (and there is NO wrong in having expectations), we do not have to live with them. Everyone is an individual and for me to expect someone to conform to my OWN standards when it goes against their very grain is unfair to them. It is also me not being honest with myself. I, for one, would never want to live with man that is wearing a thin facade just to please me. To me, it would not be a healthy and honest relationship. All the best to you and keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
SS - Great photos!! as soon as my divorce is final on Wednesday I will be trying to do small projects too. Money is tight here too. It just bites doesn't it. We want so much for our relationships to work out and everything and then BAM reality smacks us right in the face. Then poof gone everything is different and we are in turbulent waters. I think you have done an awesome job on the decks...want to do mine???? PLEEEEASE.
Janet
Janet
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Mass
Posts: 15
I have painters coming in an hr or so this morning to give an estimate on painting our main floor (2 bedrooms, living/dining, kitchen, 2 bathrooms). We moved into this house when our son was 1.5yrs - he just turned 14! We've never been painted! I decided it was time even if its me paying for the painters. If it something I need to do for my self-esteem money isnt holding me back!
imherenow, I can relate. We bought this house 11 years ago. And while some improvements were made when ah was here - he really let alot of things go.
I have a big project (removing front porch and re-doing) that is a necessity. Other than that - I plan to strip wallpaper and paint alot of the interior rooms.
I've found that working on the house does make me feel better. It's a sense of accomplishment - as well as surrounding myself in an environment that is much more pleasant to be in.
I have a big project (removing front porch and re-doing) that is a necessity. Other than that - I plan to strip wallpaper and paint alot of the interior rooms.
I've found that working on the house does make me feel better. It's a sense of accomplishment - as well as surrounding myself in an environment that is much more pleasant to be in.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
I've found that working on the house does make me feel better. It's a sense of accomplishment - as well as surrounding myself in an environment that is much more pleasant to be in.
Cool deck and you did a great job SS!
Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes means something different to me, at least I think it's different.
To me, when my H was drinking, I still took care of everything, kids, laundry, clothes, money, feeding the family etc. I still made it easy for him for him to drink and do his thing.
Now I realized if I wanted things to change with him, that change was going to have to start with me changing, not him.
So to me, if nothing changes (my behavior), then his behavior wouldn't change either (nothing changes).
So if everything continued to stay "status quo" (my behavior-actions-reactions and his behavior - actions- reactions) that is how I understand Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes. Changes had to be made if things were going to be different with us and our situation.
To me, when my H was drinking, I still took care of everything, kids, laundry, clothes, money, feeding the family etc. I still made it easy for him for him to drink and do his thing.
Now I realized if I wanted things to change with him, that change was going to have to start with me changing, not him.
So to me, if nothing changes (my behavior), then his behavior wouldn't change either (nothing changes).
So if everything continued to stay "status quo" (my behavior-actions-reactions and his behavior - actions- reactions) that is how I understand Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes. Changes had to be made if things were going to be different with us and our situation.
I agree Judy. But I also believe that you can take that saying in individual concept too.
Anyways...I realize that I was still holding on, waiting, in essence hoping, that ah was going to DO something. Waiting for the action to back up the words. Which means that I, too, was playing my part in the circle.
I guess there is that small part of me deep within that still wants to believe that he loves me and the kids enough to do the right thing.
It's not so much I expected a change on his part as much as I was hoping. And by my not doing nothing - other than banging my head on a proverbial brick wall - nothing was changing. On either of our parts.
Anyways...I realize that I was still holding on, waiting, in essence hoping, that ah was going to DO something. Waiting for the action to back up the words. Which means that I, too, was playing my part in the circle.
I guess there is that small part of me deep within that still wants to believe that he loves me and the kids enough to do the right thing.
It's not so much I expected a change on his part as much as I was hoping. And by my not doing nothing - other than banging my head on a proverbial brick wall - nothing was changing. On either of our parts.
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