Smyle

Man oh man I have once again relapsed and am not feeling guilty or any of that, this time.

Am I destined to use for the rest of my life. I am so sick of doing this to my family and myself. I have been seeing my therapist, going to meetings, reading my text. I just use and then I am wrapped up in it again.

My husband is going to be so pissed off if he finds out but I feel like I should tell him. I feel like I am lost. Just a matter of time before it all blows up in my face again.

I cannot walk away from these temptations. I try ...I do!!! At this point I am like **** it maybe they would be better off without me. Let him find a wife who can be a good wife. I can go off and use and do what my mind obviously needs/wants me to do. I feel useless and afraid.

earlybird

Not feeling guilty at all???......I beg to differ...

aloneagainor

Addict-thinking brain vs. Straight thinking brain. At odds, at war! Addict-brain says you're "not feeling guilty or any of that," but in the next sentence you express profound remorse. Addict-head tells you you're "destined to use for the rest of your life", you say "I try ...I do!!!" Back to back your addict-brain tells you want you "need" to do, and your mindcounter-acts that with "want" to do. You decide which voice you want to listen to. A life of feeling "useless and afraid", "feeling lost" and walking on eggshells so to avoid and explosion is a choice. But know it doesn't have to be that way. You know you have a choice in this. Don't give up that option, it only paves the way for addict brain to have a party on YOU.

wishful

Don't give up on yourself! OK, you relapsed - I couldn't begin to count how many times I did over the past year, sometimes I didn't even get through a single day. Maybe somewhere there's someone who can go totally and permanently straight on their first try, but I think for most of us relapsing is a natural (and repeated) part of the learning process. It's amazing how many arguments one's brain can come up with to talk you away from sobriety - I never knew how clever mine was until I had to argue against it. Take a breath and try to figure out what's missing from your recovery effort that makes you vulnerable. Each time you relapse you can fix that "gap" in your defenses. Eventually you'll run out of gaps!

Keep posting, we're rooting for you!

Anna

Smyle, I had exactly the same feelings that you are going through right now. It's your brain messing with you. You can do this and you are worth it.

Smyle

Thank you everyone, I have been reflecting and I am feeling guilty, but will pick myself back up and figure out where the gap is. I did not think I have been that stressed out but as i sat here I realized I am totally stressed out.

The usual suspects, money, kids, family, being on probation, I just thought I had been dealing with it all so well but I see now I have not.

My H seems miserable and he says he is...because of all the crap i have put him through. I just get it set in my head that i will never be able to make it up to him so why not just use and numb it out. I have to stop that thought process.

I really appreciate you all for being there for me and it fills my heart with such joy knowing that people I have never met take the time to help me in my time of need. I am looking at this bottle of pills and I want to flush them but I can't seem to do it.

I am going to go read some more from my NA text and flush this pills and get my straight thinking brain back.
Thanks to all of you,
Fondly,
Beezy

earlybird

I would go flush them right now,...dont give your mind even a second to reconsider. Do it,..THEN go read your NA book. Trust me.....you will thank yourself.

Live

I always liked the slogan that there is no problem that can't be made worse by using.
hugs,
live

Smyle

I flushed them ...I read then made dinner for the family...we just got back from a nice walk. There is a resturaunt here that has live bluegrass on Fri-Sat nights so we walked down there and listened to it. It was great to be out and lifted my spirits. I love small town america

Pick-a-name

Great! Sounds like your choices ended up allowing you to have a very nice eveniing....and one your husband enjoyed,too. That is how you can "make it up to him".....wise choices and being there with him now...one day at a time!

Keep posting....I think you are doing great and it can only help!

2dayzmuse

A good way to stay off of the ledge, is to quit climbing up on it. A simple statement, but it holds much truth.

Live

ahhhh, now I am jealous....I love the bluegrass!

leviathon

My father committed suicide last summer. NO ONE, regardless of how much of a problem they "appear" to be causing, will end anyone else's "apparent" suffering by taking them out of the picture. I had a love hate relationship with my father from most of my life. He was alcoholic, violent and abusive to no end. At the same time, he was strong and inspiring and provided me with a lot of my morals and beliefs... of course, much of that formed out of a desire "not to be like him" rather than his direct teaching and examples.

The point I am making is this, despite all that went on, I am NOT better off that he is gone. I miss him, I wish I could spend time with him. And, his death was very traumatic for all of us. Despite all his failings, he was my father, I really really wish he hadn't killed himself. I was looking forward to spending time with him and getting to know him as an adult... I moved back to the area I grew up in just after he died... in fact, he committed suicide the very weekend I had come up to interview for my current job.

Don't do it EVER. Suicide does not EVER make things better, it just adds more pain and suffering. IF you are alive you can change and add happiness and love. IF you are dead, then the wounds can never heal completley and it is simply OVER for you, those left behind still have to deal with everything from the past, the present and THEY NOW have to deal with the SUICIDE to boot.

Levi

2dayzmuse

I'm very sorry Levi. It saddens me when I hear someone is in so much pain they consider death as a viable option to there problems. I'm really sorry you had to go through that. It must be very difficult.

wishful

Congrats, Smyle! Sounds like a lovely evening (I'm a bit jealous, too). Stay in touch with us!

Smyle

Levi I am very sorry for such a loss. I was really referring to jumping off the ledge and using not the other, Though I have been commited for trying to kill myself i have since realized that will NEVER be an option for me again.

I am sorry that my post may have implied I was suicidal and that it brought back those terrible memories, No one should have to deal with that. My husbands father was a terrible alcoholic and commited suicide when he was 8, and he still has some fallout emotionally from that. I will keep you in my prayers.

please_be_it

Smyle...

I think I can relate somewhat to the relationship issues. I am on the last straw with my boyfriend and if I ever drink again he will leave because of how horribly I've treated him in the last 2 years, lying about drinking and getting physically abusive when he finds out.

Sometimes I think this is hopeless and almost want to end this because trying to work through all the trouble I've caused with him seems like a never ending battle. I resent him so much for seeing me act like this and don't feel he can ever truly love me after he's seen what I am capable of while drunk.

Sometimes I just think it would just be better to start fresh with someone who only knows me as sober. On the other hand, he's stuck with me through all this so how could I leave.

He keeps saying that if I cared about him enough and all the hurt I've put him through that I would just stop and promise never to drink again. Well, it's not that simple, is it.

Smyle

No it is not very simple at all....It is so hard to build the trust back.