ilovebdj

First I want to say thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this post. I always appreciate the feedback and support I get from SR.

Last Friday I had to put our beloved dog to sleep. She was 15. I've been an emotional wreck. My A (who had been 3 months sober and living w/ a friend for now) went on a week long binge. He actually did this the week before and coming up on the day the dog had to be put down. The vet came to the house and A met me here. He was overly emotional and was unable to stay in the house while she died. He also came right before the vet put her down even though I called him early in the a.m. to say this is it and if he wanted to spend time w/ her he could come over.

He was driving me to the crematorium and had to turn back around, he couldn't do it. I'm not sure if he had been drinking that day or not.

I had found out later that night that most of his friends have ditched him and/or expressed that they didn't want to be around him now that he started drinking again. This was a first, as I had tried for years as a codie to convince them all and the world that he was an alcoholic. (My mistake...) Now they have seen for themselves and reacted accordingly.

I was upset, but I didn't over react. I phoned his Dad who he is close to and gave him some details to make that connection so that A wasn't alone in his depression. He had taken a bottle of Ambien a few days before that and I was concerned now that he didn't have a place to live (friends kicked him out) and didn't have anyone to talk to (friends ditching him.) His Dad drove out here and was able to provide some emotional support where it was needed.

I found out later that he went through $8,000 in one month (we had savings for a house that I split up when he moved out). My heart sank but again I didn't freak out.

At this point it seems I am past trying to make this work, even though I always thought he would slip (this is his first stab at real recovery) and I know that relapse is sometimes part of the recovery process.

My question is, I haven't talked to him since all of this. I've cried over my dog, but not over this. I haven't decided if I'm "detatched" or just being cold. I have a habit of cutting people out of my life and never speaking to them again after being screwed over a few times, and I know maybe that isn't the best thing. (or at least my therapist at the time stated it seemed like a way of handling things.) I just don't know which one it is. I don't want to be that person that says "ok 3 strikes you're out" and cut them out of my life, I'd like to be able to work on things. But I am so stubborn sometimes that it gets in the way of that.

For those that may not know, I'm currently not in Al-Anon as I had a kind of weird experience there. I did try more than 6 meetings....I went for a few months. I don't really know what I'm asking. I guess I'm not sure on how to identify with what I'm feeling. Thanks for any feedback. xo

Jazzman

Wow... it sounds like the cumulative effect of his choices are starting to take its toll on him. Add the sadness over your pets loss....
I know exactly what you mean about the 3 strikes thing... reminds me of myself.
Maybe all you need is to be aware but still watch from a "guarded" distance... if that makes any sense.

denny57

Sounds to me you that you are doing extremely well during difficult times. I guess I would examine what my reasons would be for trying to make it work (you say you are past that). That might be your first step - to maybe journal out what you want for your life. I go back and forth on the detachment/coldness question, I think mostly because detachment felt so weird at first. I now know I am doing the right thing for my life. I get the impression you may also be at that place.

elizabeth1979

When people repeatedly hurt us, sometimes its best to remove ourselves from their life. I used to tolerate ZERO, and I mean ZERO, from anyone. More than one time, and I was done. Friends, work, boyfriends, you name it. My therapist told me the same thing. My friends told me I was a hardass and needed to chill and give people a chance.
What did I do..swung way over to the other side, giving more chances than God.

Its about balance and you sound very good to me, considering what has happened.

Keep your head up!

ilovebdj

Yes, that's what I'm sensing. He's always been a depressed person but now it seems he is doing far worse. It is sort of like all of a sudden everyone in his life has dismissed him now that he is drinking again where before they wouldn't be so hard on him, or would actually drink with him. I try to put myself in his shoes and know that I would be devastated if I didn't have anyone to turn to.


I guess I would examine what my reasons would be for trying to make it work

Well, that's the age old question I suppose. In my mind I want this relationship to work, or maybe I just want a relationship to work. Not sure which. I'm just trying not to be that "cold" person that I've been told I could be. It's so hard to truly identify feelings at times. It is something that I've always tried to work on.

Thanks guys. I'm so glad I can come here, it's nice to know that we're not alone in this world.

GettingFree

I found making this distinction very important. It's great that you're asking the question. Keep asking, you'll find the answer. Sometimes that we are asking the question at all is a good indication of the answer.

The answer to this is probably inside you too. What specifically are the feelings? Is there a sense of anger or urgency you're feeling in closing the door? Is there a calmer feeling of walking away, of resignation? Are you feeling tired or defeated? Try and chunk down the feelings more -- you'll probably figure out the answers you need.

Sapphire

Not exactly sure if this applies, but personally I find that sometimes I have so much anger it clouds every other emotion. Possibly you are not cold because you have no feelings, but because they are blocked.

ilovebdj

Urgency? Yes. Anger? Probably, but I don't truly feel that way. I'm angry but not acting out. Calmer? No, but I am feeling tired and defeated. It's as if I just don't have the energy anymore. But I can't tell if this is my "third strike" syndrome or not....lol

Possibly you are not cold because you have no feelings, but because they are blocked.

Good point. I've often wondered myself. And that's what this is all about....I'm really trying to determine if I AM angry, but just don't really know it. Guess it's off to a therapist again.

I'm just "over it" I suppose. Kind of feeling numb to the whole thing. :-(

megamysterioso

Oh honey, I really don't think you're being cold since your post reflects an obvious concern for him and his general welfare. You even called his dad for him. You are not "cold" at all.

You probably just are numb to it all. After being repeatedly let down by him, it is really natural. Now everything is crashing down on him and he's worse off than ever. You have possibly removed yourself from your feelings towards him or about him for matters of your own self-preservation. You are looking out for yourself first while still being undeniably concerned about him (based on your post). Also, the loss of your beloved pet has surely preoccupied your thinking. I'm very sorry for that by the way.

You are asking the right questions and you sound quite healthy in your thinking. Your theapist will help you sort and good luck.