Is it the same?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
Is it the same?
Well today, 7 years ago M. and I were married. It's weird to think that we have been seperated and apart more than we were together. We are still leagally married, although I consider him my ex. We haven't been together for 5 years now. (no reason we aren't divorced, just neither one of us has filed)
So of course he is on my mind today. All the good, the bad and the in-between. He was and is my first love, he was the first guy I ever even went out on a date with. We were both "unhealthy", lost and unsure about our lives when we met, so I guess the relationship was doomed from the start.
But on my mind today is the way we split, and I am left with the question of why.
Making this as brief as possible- After 1 year of marriage I realized M. had a drinking problem (missing checks, missing money, calling in sick to work, 2 day drink binges, etc.) Having grown up with that, I told him as much as I loved him I couldn't allow that in my life again and I loved him too much to stand by and watch him slowly kill himself. (somewhat hypicritical given my sitituation with my dad, but that was then). He agreed to stop drinking, and I told him that I would not stay with him if he started again.
He did stop drinking, but become very mean and even more controlling. He began using alcohol as a way to control me (i.e. "if you don't come with me here, I am going to drink). A few months later, he was mad at me and said if I didn't stay home with him instead of going out with my best friend, he would drink. This was 3 days before I planned to go out, so I told him to do what he wanted, but he knew what the consequences would be. Needless to say he got drunk that night. The next morning I made him move out. I told him I was willing to go counseling with him, support him to get better, whatever was needed but he had to move out for awhile. (I knew I had to stick to what I said earlier, because if I didn't he would never take seriously anything I said)
I became very very depressed (have long history of depression but never gotten treatment). After 3 months and nothing had changed, I asked him to come back.
The depression got allot worse, and became severe enough to the point that six months later I required hospitalization. I was there for a few weeks when I was discharged and then overdoesed for the first time. I was in the hospital then for about 8 weeks. During that time M came to see me a few times and called a few times, but each time he upset me more than helped, so I asked him to stop calling for awhile. I was trying to get myself healthy and didn't need his type of "help."
About the 8th week I was there I called him, and he told me he wanted a divorce. I was upset, and when asked why, he said "cause it's too hard". I told him we were not going to split up just because marriage was "too hard". He then said he didn't love me anymore like he used to, and that he wanted to start a new life.
That was the last real conversation I had with him. He still lives in a nearby town with his mom, and works at the only hospital here in town, so I have seen him a few times in the hospital (when my roomate was going through several operations), but he usually only said hi, and that was it.
I have many many suspisions (sp?) and guesses as to what was going on and what happened. But I have always been very hurt that he left me when I needed him the most. What happened to the "for better or worse, in sickness and health" part?
But today I am wondering if I didn't basically do the same to him. When he was drinking, I made him leave. Did I abandon him in his time of need? Did I forsake the "in sickness and in health" part? I know he made the choice to drink and I made the choice to not allow that in my life, I couldn't handle it at the time. But maybe he couldn't handle my sickness at the time.
I don't know, it's all so confusing, and I am still working on closure. It's not easy when you don't have the answers to so many questions, but somehow I think most of you know that!
So of course he is on my mind today. All the good, the bad and the in-between. He was and is my first love, he was the first guy I ever even went out on a date with. We were both "unhealthy", lost and unsure about our lives when we met, so I guess the relationship was doomed from the start.
But on my mind today is the way we split, and I am left with the question of why.
Making this as brief as possible- After 1 year of marriage I realized M. had a drinking problem (missing checks, missing money, calling in sick to work, 2 day drink binges, etc.) Having grown up with that, I told him as much as I loved him I couldn't allow that in my life again and I loved him too much to stand by and watch him slowly kill himself. (somewhat hypicritical given my sitituation with my dad, but that was then). He agreed to stop drinking, and I told him that I would not stay with him if he started again.
He did stop drinking, but become very mean and even more controlling. He began using alcohol as a way to control me (i.e. "if you don't come with me here, I am going to drink). A few months later, he was mad at me and said if I didn't stay home with him instead of going out with my best friend, he would drink. This was 3 days before I planned to go out, so I told him to do what he wanted, but he knew what the consequences would be. Needless to say he got drunk that night. The next morning I made him move out. I told him I was willing to go counseling with him, support him to get better, whatever was needed but he had to move out for awhile. (I knew I had to stick to what I said earlier, because if I didn't he would never take seriously anything I said)
I became very very depressed (have long history of depression but never gotten treatment). After 3 months and nothing had changed, I asked him to come back.
The depression got allot worse, and became severe enough to the point that six months later I required hospitalization. I was there for a few weeks when I was discharged and then overdoesed for the first time. I was in the hospital then for about 8 weeks. During that time M came to see me a few times and called a few times, but each time he upset me more than helped, so I asked him to stop calling for awhile. I was trying to get myself healthy and didn't need his type of "help."
About the 8th week I was there I called him, and he told me he wanted a divorce. I was upset, and when asked why, he said "cause it's too hard". I told him we were not going to split up just because marriage was "too hard". He then said he didn't love me anymore like he used to, and that he wanted to start a new life.
That was the last real conversation I had with him. He still lives in a nearby town with his mom, and works at the only hospital here in town, so I have seen him a few times in the hospital (when my roomate was going through several operations), but he usually only said hi, and that was it.
I have many many suspisions (sp?) and guesses as to what was going on and what happened. But I have always been very hurt that he left me when I needed him the most. What happened to the "for better or worse, in sickness and health" part?
But today I am wondering if I didn't basically do the same to him. When he was drinking, I made him leave. Did I abandon him in his time of need? Did I forsake the "in sickness and in health" part? I know he made the choice to drink and I made the choice to not allow that in my life, I couldn't handle it at the time. But maybe he couldn't handle my sickness at the time.
I don't know, it's all so confusing, and I am still working on closure. It's not easy when you don't have the answers to so many questions, but somehow I think most of you know that!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
hey Jessica -
sorry that other people didn't respond to your post sooner.
First of all - a person that is an active alcoholic is NOT emotionally available..
so there is no way he could ever be there for you.
One of my exabf - tried to break up with me right after (and I mean right after) my brother's suicide...so much for giving me support in my time of need.
I'm just using that as an example so that you can see...
So please don't beat yourself up on that one..I know you read this board and I'm sure that you can see there are so many of us who had these expectations out of people that are JUST NOT CAPABLE...
There's a saying in Al-Anon which I love and that is: "You can't get bread from a hardware store."
If you ex was and is actively drinking he will never be that man (fantasy) of what you want..
I had to look at reality..I mean really put down my blinders and look at what my exabfs (there were more then one) offered me..
The answer was: not much...No emotional support, alot of chaos and fighting..
So ..for the second part of your question about forsaking your vows:
I have put a lot of thought into that as well..I'm not married..but there is no way I would give up myself for the sake of the active alcoholic..FOR ME..being with an active A was like slow suicide..every day I got worse...(until I found Al-anon)
You did the right thing to save YOU..sounds like you were in dire straights...
Closure is something we have to give to ourselves..you are never going to get the answers you seek but by continuing to work on yourself - you will get answers as to why you stayed, what you got out of it..etc..
good luck and keep posting.
sorry that other people didn't respond to your post sooner.
First of all - a person that is an active alcoholic is NOT emotionally available..
so there is no way he could ever be there for you.
One of my exabf - tried to break up with me right after (and I mean right after) my brother's suicide...so much for giving me support in my time of need.
I'm just using that as an example so that you can see...
So please don't beat yourself up on that one..I know you read this board and I'm sure that you can see there are so many of us who had these expectations out of people that are JUST NOT CAPABLE...
There's a saying in Al-Anon which I love and that is: "You can't get bread from a hardware store."
If you ex was and is actively drinking he will never be that man (fantasy) of what you want..
I had to look at reality..I mean really put down my blinders and look at what my exabfs (there were more then one) offered me..
The answer was: not much...No emotional support, alot of chaos and fighting..
So ..for the second part of your question about forsaking your vows:
I have put a lot of thought into that as well..I'm not married..but there is no way I would give up myself for the sake of the active alcoholic..FOR ME..being with an active A was like slow suicide..every day I got worse...(until I found Al-anon)
You did the right thing to save YOU..sounds like you were in dire straights...
Closure is something we have to give to ourselves..you are never going to get the answers you seek but by continuing to work on yourself - you will get answers as to why you stayed, what you got out of it..etc..
good luck and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((jessica))) i think your post somehow got posted later or something, because I was on here earlier and didn't see it. sorry about that!
i recently non-celebrated my 15th anniversary. here's another way of looking at the vows: in sickness and in health. it doesn't spell out HOW you care for someone in sickness. i believe our doctor when he tells me the kindest thing i can do for my AH's illness is exactly what i'm doing - living apart from him. i am a very firm believer that it is his best chance for recovery.
be kind to yourself and keep posting.
i recently non-celebrated my 15th anniversary. here's another way of looking at the vows: in sickness and in health. it doesn't spell out HOW you care for someone in sickness. i believe our doctor when he tells me the kindest thing i can do for my AH's illness is exactly what i'm doing - living apart from him. i am a very firm believer that it is his best chance for recovery.
be kind to yourself and keep posting.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I'm sorry that you are going through this false sense of guilt. Please do not beat yourself up so much over you asking him to leave. He knew what the consequences were at the time of his drinking. You ACTUALLY stuck to your boundary and followed through and you should feel very proud of that. I think the "in sickness and in health" part of the wedding vow is not intended for folks that self-inflict pain unto themselves with booze. A spouse is not dutifully bound to sit back and simply accept it as a component in the marriage. Addiction negates it being looked at as simply "worse" in "for better or for worse." Being married to an addict of any kind is about the worst it can get IMO.
Take it for what it is. Perhaps he was speaking an absolute truth for him that you were not ready to hear.
Move on as best you can with your own life and live in the present and not in the past. Your future is wide open and I wish you the best.
He then said he didn't love me anymore like he used to, and that he wanted to start a new life.
Move on as best you can with your own life and live in the present and not in the past. Your future is wide open and I wish you the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
thanks you guys. the situation with him doesn't usually bother me, unless it is a day like today that makes me miss him.
we were both very lost when we met and got married, and i am positive would have had problems no matter what. we weren't ready for a relationship and rushed in quickly because we (or at least I) thought it would "fix" me. i have grown allot in the last 7 years, and my only hope is that he has as well and is able to find some happiness in life.
thank you for making me feel better.
my new year's resolution was to file for divorce this year.....so far I still have 6 months left!!!!
we were both very lost when we met and got married, and i am positive would have had problems no matter what. we weren't ready for a relationship and rushed in quickly because we (or at least I) thought it would "fix" me. i have grown allot in the last 7 years, and my only hope is that he has as well and is able to find some happiness in life.
thank you for making me feel better.
my new year's resolution was to file for divorce this year.....so far I still have 6 months left!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Jess - you didn't cause it, you couldn't control it, and you couldn't cure it. No matter what you couldn't have lived with alcohol - as the saying goes there are 3 ways to handle it. Deal with it now or suffer with some more and deal with it later or die from it. It was still the best choice for YOU.. is he still using?? (hugs)
Janet
Janet
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