equus

I feel like I am. I've had time to lick wounds, I've got mad at the vaccum that is our 'health system', I've done more thinking about work than ever in the past 3/4 months, found there are other jobs I would like and found a course I'd like to study, I'm half way through an evening course, and more than anything I feel ready.

I learned from experience that to achieve anything I need self belief, I get scared it's arrogance but whatever label is stuck to it - I need it.

I want to put a piece in the puzzle, a useful piece, something that's functional to ease hard situations. I want to put a piece in the puzzle of community, relationships, individuals and large 'systems' or organisations. I want to do something that makes more listening happen because I believe when people really listen compassion goes up and we get more heart.

I wanted to break horses and ride black stallions - it was a dreamlike kind of wish, but the reality that made it real was effort and persistant grafting, tenacity and self belief.

I wanted to advocate for children looked after, finally after 5 years I have an answer written down and submitted to management - it's untried but I'm at peace with it, pennies started to drop and I think it's a worthwhile document - but it's out of my hands now.

Months ago I really thought I'd be happy with a peaceful life working in the supermarket, just stop and rest for a few years but this new thing has grown inside my head. It's ambitious, I don't just want to read research I want to add to it, I don't just want to add to it, I want to do so in a way that's pragmatic and makes real life differences.

This is me, the same as I was aged 6 questioning why I thought I had the right to big dreams (I may as well have wanted to fly to the moon!), this is me who gave a promise to a bunch of kids and thought we could change the system, this is me who set out to learn for myself what this alcoholism thing was and not be baffled.

It's like a giant catch 22, I know that only hard work and self belief can get me where I want to go but just the same as when I was a kid it feels wrong to have such big dreams.

Live

Oh, you have got it in you. Go ahead...be stellar. Don't cheat the world...you are a gift! You are one of the wisest ladies I know. So share...okay?

best

I think you need this book and need see about doing the same in your area.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/159...lance&n=283155

equus

I've heard of a few things a bit similar to that. But then I remember my mate when she had an old lady dying on her ward - she said it was constant confusions as the world and his wife seemed to ring asking about their mother. It turned out the old lady had fostered well over 100 children in her life time - most of whom still called her mum. My mate said they had to re-arrange visiting hours and move her so there was enough space for her children, and MANY grandchildren. I've never forgotten the story - set in the plainest of arrangements, just fostering. To understand that, to know how to fertilise it's growth amongst people that want it - then it gets multiplied.

But there's adults too, people that fall through holes and get left behind, I see people that wander the streets talking to themselves and I know they are ill, yet becuase it's not 'visible' (even though ironically it is) they are ignored.

I'm going in with an open mind and first I'd have to study long and hard, but I want to study hard enough to be able to add something, I want to put the effort in enough to be able to teach teachers but hat's where I get stuck thinking I've no right to have that kind of dream. On the other hand I know without it I definately won't get there.

It's a dream right now, not chalked up, not a reality, not anything already done.

reader

Best, That book looks so good, I want to get it. Equus I use to break horses too until after I took a 25 foot fall and broke my back. I have to be content to just ride. As much as I am tempted, my back is more important, i am lucky to be walking, they didn't know if I would. A genius from South Africa fixed me up! So ride that black stallion for me, I ride a kind huge gelding! You are such a smart lady and u have so much to offer to the children maybe u can work with the horses on the side so u don't lose ur dream all together! Take Care!

equus

Reader - I don't ride anymore. I realised the riding I dreamed of and did while earning a living at it was very different from what I could do in my spare time. I'd never done it as a hobby, I'd always been a groom, riding or working 5 horses a day. I'm happier with memories than missing the riding I used to do! Never say never - I think at some point I'll probably settle to it as a hobby but at the moment I'm happy not doing it at all!

I can't set up a home for kids - seriously there's no way I could do it and I don't think it would be the best thing I could do anyway, there are plenty of folk more motherly than me. What I'd like to do is something to humanise the systems that so many children and adults get caught up in - it would only be a small part but I'd love to add something that makes a difference to real lives.

I want to understand it well enough to be able to know how to help people listen so that those who don't always get a voice can get heard. Does that make sense? For example if I found something of worth I could use teaching the people that place children in Foster Care then What I can offer doesn't end just with the effort I can give it, it carries on and gets added to by other people's effort.

I don't suppose I'm making much sense - partly because I am very much at the begining, just that I know where I want to go now.

BigSis

Equus...

We all brought out of our childhood certain conditions and survival tools that served us well.

Some conditions of mine were a fear of failure and fear of disappointment, and the survival toold I "grew" were response mechanisms that say, "YOU cannot dream. YOUR dreams are not valid. YOU are not valid."

As an child, I had those tools because I was powerless and lived only to survive another's illness. I did survive... a long time ago. It is ok for me to put down the survival tools.

It is ok to have big dreams. It is good to have big dreams. It is ADMIRABLE to have big dreams. You are a good person, with valid ideas and wonderful dreams.

Go for it.

reader

What a great idea! To advocate for those that aren't heard, U and D have certainly been through that with the system over there in the U.K. It is so important to enjoy what we do! Having a job that someone hates just to put bread on the table is the pits. You have so much to offer whatever u do u certainly bless us with your logical advice and sweet disposition.

GettingFree

Am I ready?

Yes, Equus, if you're asking the question, you're ready.

I, too, gave up on dreams a long time ago. Many influences combined to squash my dreams -- primarily adhering to a script of being responsible in the world, particularly for my 3 children, and a lack of confidence or 'entitlement' that I could do/be/have what I dreamed.

Last December, I took the first concrete step in going after a new dream. It will mean a complete career change and it will take a couple of years to really establish. After taking this very first step (registering for courses), I began to sob, and sob. Gushing tears, snot, wails, the whole thing. I was releasing years of grief of having held myself to someone else's agenda, years of grief of having put aside my own needs to feel fulfilled.

And I was finally saying, "Yes, I'm ready."

Good luck. Go for your dreams. Quiet the sabatoeur who says "Who am I to think I can do this?" It's a voice from long ago.

I see a gifted individual who has so much to offer -- as much as anyone else in the kind of work you're describing, and likely even more.

best
gf

DesertEyes

By all means, equus. Go for your dreams. But don't forget to pack a parachute

One of my fav quotes: "I'd rather try and fail than live with doubt that I might have won". Don't recall the author. And yes, dreams have to fit within the confines of reality. I have many dreams that are beyond the reach of my ill health, but there are just as many that are still possible.

Are you ready? I believe that is the wrong question. Perhaps you should ask if you are willing. If you truly are willing then you will figure out how to be ready once you are on your way. If the dream is truly challenging, then you never will be ready, you will just embark and succeed or learn which rocks to avoid on the next journey

Mike

equus

I want to do it. I'm actually now hoping that work doesn't offer me a different MA funded, I want to do the human relations MA. I've not got firm ideas where it'll lead but I'm certain it's the right direction.

When I first heard my job was up for such a change, when I was first told they wanted me to do an evening NVQ (ARGHHHH!!!! It's a graduate job anyway!) two nights a week and I said no; I thought that the last thing on earth I needed was a new challenge. But it's funny, as I've been in the position of working with more courage, being asked to define why I'm doing what I'm doing more often, and asked more than ever to get in writing ideas and solutions - something has stirred inside.

I reference, I read and I'm begining to admit to myself that I like processing concepts - especially when it leads to things that are usuable.

Live

WOW! I am so excited for you! Everything you say is reasonable and doable.
Living up to your potential is the highest affirmation of life in my opinion.

megamysterioso

I remember very distinctly on my 7th birthday wondering why I was here on this earth and if my existence was really real or just a dream. I would say that we are perhaps cut from the same cloth, but YOU are a jewel. You need to go for those dreams Ruth. Everything world changing, thought changing and culture changing started as someone's "dream." You have so much to give. I have a few big dreams of my own that I hope to bring to fruition one day (at LEAST one ). I have no doubt that you will succeed in whatever it is you choose to do.