FormerDoormat

From The Survivor's Guide to An Alcoholic Relationship (free e-book available at www.empoweredrecovery.com--if you haven't downloaded it, do it today).

What reasons do you have for remaining in an alcoholic relationship? In what way are your reasons actually a product of denial and/or cognitive dissonance? Do any of the following ring a bell?

1. “But he’s so good when he doesn’t drink!”
2. “I’m afraid that he will meet someone else, recover, and then I’ll miss out.”
3. “I’m afraid of what my family, friends, neighbors, clients, and/or church would think if I told them about her drinking or if I left.”
4. “Children need both parents and I don’t want to raise my kids without a father or mother.”
5. “I don’t know how I would manage financially without him.”
6. “But we have so much history together! How can I just throw that all away?”
7. “I’m not a quitter!”
8. “But he needs me! How will he get along without me there to help? He might die!”
9. “I can’t leave… my religion forbids divorcing.”
10. “We’re in business together and I can’t just quit everything! How will I earn a living?”
11. “I can’t bear to be alone.”
12. “If I left, I’m afraid that no one else would want me.”
13. “With enough love, I can change him/her; I can fix them!”
14. “But I’m too old to leave!”
15. “But I’m too young to leave!”
16. “We’ve only been married a short time and the wedding cost so much!”
17. “I’m sure marriage counseling will make her stop drinking.”
18. “If I leave, he’ll come after me; I fear for my safety and my children’s safety.”
19. “But this is the way my life has always been. It’s too late to change now.”
20. “But every marriage has its difficulties and every couple fights.”

How to Tell if Alcohol is Causing Problems in Your Relationship

Answer this question "yes" or "no."

“Is alcohol causing problems in your family or felationship?”

If you answered "yes" then you probably realize by now that it doesn't take a rocket scientist or lengthy questionnaire to figure it out. You just know if it is or isn't. It's that simple.

You now have a choice: You can take care of the problem now, or suffer longer and still take care of the prob-lem later. Either way, you will take care of the problem eventually, or die from the pain.

megamysterioso

God I love the e-book there. I promote that site all the time! LaTeeDa thought I was getting a commission or something LOL. Don't I wish!

ASpouse

Does this website give you the tools to learn how to make the choice and give support to stop suffering?

BSPGirl

I actually agree with that one and find it quite a good reason. I'm not one to give up on things easily...

And this one makes sense too:
It's just when the difficulties and bad things are gonna outweigh the good things you better go think about ending the relationship.

megamysterioso

Yes it does. The author's take on it that there is no peace in living with an active alcoholic ever. You have two choices- the alkie recovers or you leave. Those are really the only 2 ways in which we SOs can have the happy and fulfilling life in which we deserve. He does not promote detachment with love b/c he does not believe it is a final solution to the problem of addiction.

He does teach a lot about setting boundaries for oneself and sticking to them. He speaks a lot on developing a stronger self-esteem. He basically instructs how we as SOs must take an active, aggressive role in finding our way out from the pain. It will not fix itself and making excuses to stay and "hope things will change" is really a waste of time and a waste of OUR lives.

ASpouse

..... and this revelation is new how???? It's been this way since the inception of AA and Al Anon all those years ago. This isn't rocket science, this is common sense.

OK, I'm confused. I don't know of one program that says that detachment with love is a final solution to the problem of addiction. I know that Al Anon does not support that belief. Detachment with Love is a tool, a way to cope if you choose to stay and live with an alcoholic.

So, if he teaches about setting boundaries, how can you set boundaries if you do not detach from the situation at hand. Detaching is a way to get the focus back on ourselves, it is not meant to hurt, main or dehumanize the sick alcoholic in our lives.

Al Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous also agree that the affliction of co-dependency and alcoholism will not fix itself and that these thing will not change unless we take an active role in making it happen, we also learn that "hoping" that things change will not make it so.

So, I guess what I'm seeing here is almost exactly like Al Anon and AA, but changing the "foundation" just a bit.

So tell me Mega, how does one set boundaries without detaching? I'm really curious, because unless I am so "brainwashed" by Al Anon and the 12 Step Recovery Programs I use, I just can't see one setting boundaries without detaching with love.

equus, I'm waiting for you to weigh in on this!

megamysterioso

Yes it is and the author even says so. As you know I cannot speak of the tenets of Al-Anon b/c I have not been to a meeting and have read very little Al-Anon literature. I will not even try.

The author teaches how to detach and keep the focus on you while putting together your action plan to make the change. Your world should not revolve around the A and his actions, but he encourages a more speedy resolution type approach to the matter. What I've gotten out of it is essentially this---- if you are living with an active alcoholic-- you will never be happy. To choose to stay with one by detaching with love is essentially jipping yourself from a full and happy life that you deserve. He does not believe it is possible to live happily with an active A and that it is postposting the inevitable--- you will either stay and die of the pain, the alkie recovers or you leave.

It is a very nothing changes if nothing changes approach. The reason I've gravitated so much towards it is b/c it IS very common sense and it promotes our rights, our self-worth, etc.

ASpouse

So does Al Anon.

Al Anon suggests that one will resolve the situation when they are ready, there is no time limit, no sense of urgency, and there's not really.

Al-Anon would not be so obnoxious to be so presumptuous to say "stay or die" .... no one has the right to tell anyone that ..... we each make our own choices and cannot be bullied into thinking that we cannot make them clearly and with careful consideration.

So does Al-Anon and Al-Anon is very common sense also.

As you can tell mega, I don't care much for this man or how he "markets" his empowered recovery teachings,however if it works for you, then I'm all for it. Maybe you can put his website addy in your signature and leave it at that.

megamysterioso

Ok- I have to go after this b/c I have a busy day. If you have never read this book Judy and you have spare time to do it, I do suggest it. I think you would find the author's message most empowering and valid.

If it weren't for that reading in all honesty, I might not be as far in my own recovery as I am now. I'm finally leaving something that I realize will never change unless I myself change it. It is very common sense, but apparently that's been something I've been lacking for a while in relation to my AH (LOL). I'm grateful for the site and as long as it can help others positively change their lives, I'm all for it and will be the first to give out the link.

megamysterioso

Good idea about the signature line Judy .

ASpouse

I have read it, I wasn't all that impressed, but perhaps it's because I'm further along in my recovery and have sponsee's now. I just don't care for the mans technique ..... he is, in my very humble opinion, a master word manipulator.

But again, if it works for you, then good for you.

denny57

I will weigh in. Yes, the site mentioned does have a lot of common sense advice. Most of that advice is exactly what we learn in Al-Anon. It's biggest issue seems to be with the spiritual side of 12 step programs. Otherwise, a lot of what they say, i.e. nothing changes if nothing changes, feelings of self-worth, etc. is taken from Al-Anon and the 12 steps.

I do not agree with absolutes regarding living with alcoholism. If someone, for whatever reasons, can come to peace with doing so, who am I to say they must leave the relationship? I personally know several people who have chosen to stay and, yes, they seem to be happy with their choice. I wouldn't dare to define happiness for them, either.

What I like about 12 step programs is simple. I get the tools I need to make my life the best it can be.

I personally try to be very careful in my talking about Al-Anon as a program, because one of the traditions is that it is a program of attraction, not promotion. I'll usually just suggest it as an option. If anyone gains anything from my ESH and asks, I will say I attend and follow the 12 steps.

How we get to a place of serenity is not as important as starting the journey and making that our goal.

pmaslan

I don't know if anyone can compare any recovery programs against
each other if they have
1. never been to a meeting each program offers
2. never read literature each program offers
JMO

ASpouse

Absolutely Patty ....

denny57

Amen.

pmaslan

Just wondring.....for all that love "Empowered Recovery" so much...
Do they have their own message boards?
Just curious............

LaTeeDa

This is only my humble opinion, but I think a lot of people get stuck not so much on the spiritual part of the 12 steps, but the "powerlessness" idea. While I don't really have a problem with the concept, some see it as defeatist. I think that is where Empowered Recovery fills a need. Thus the name.

I also think there are many ways for people to recover, some very unique and personal. Hey, whatever works, right? The world would be a very boring place if we were all the same and one thing worked for everyone.

L

pmaslan

Right LaTeeDa...but my point is before any types of recovery can
be compared or to suggest what is better, I think one must
at least have first hand knowledge before making a claim.
Then whatever works fantastic!

denny57

Isn't that funny? I found it empowering in a very zen-like way. LOL

In MHO maybe that all boils down to needing to feel in control of all situations. I found that didn't work FOR ME.

Missy

I'm overwelmed.