deettah

with my AH and this is HARD!!! I thought I would feel a little more at ease than this or peaceful. I don't feel that at all. My head is spinning and I am dying to call my him but know that I would be provoking him and enabling him. Every car I see drive by turns me into a contortionist trying to see out the nearest window to see if it's him. I am not used to not hearing from him. Maybe I am having trouble with him detaching from me? He hasn't tried to call me either and that's hard for me to process.

Live

2 days...that's great. Just keep counting the days and you will soon find that it gets easier and easier and easier.
By the way, that is how I had to do it, come on here and count the days like counting sobriety. It worked well for me.

And...no contact is no contact...don't answer the phone from him either. It will just set you back.

LaTeeDa

Hang in there. It does get easier. Two things that helped me were:

1) Getting out of the house and doing something. Even just window shopping helps. Anything to get your mind off him and onto something you enjoy.

2) Journaling. I had so much anger and it was tempting to call him just so I could spew some of it his way. Instead I wrote pages devoted to my anger. It also helped me to work through some of it instead of just getting anger spewed back at me.

L

kermit

When I first seperated from my AH, I thought I was going to die, hell I even wanted too...this place helped me thru some really ahrd moments, I cried like a baby, sometimes still do. I try to get out as much as possiable, even if it is just for a short walk. Call a good friend or go to a book store. Lots to do there. It takes time ALOT of time but it gets better, I can't really say it gets
easier, but I'm not there yet. I think I just learned how to make my days go bye with out him. Try not to sit & think to much that nearly distroyed me. Keep coming here. Post whatever you need to, to help you get thru ..We have all been there.((((((deettah))))))

ilovebdj

I just literally laughed out loud.....I've seen myself in your post.....

Hang in there girl.....I'm currently on 5 days......xoxo

Live

For me, around about 30 days of no contact and reading alot to help understand what I had been through, helped clear my mind and move on to my own healing and not thinking about contacting him or him contacting me.
I didn't want to know what he was or was not doing. And it was the folks here at SR that supported me, helped me along the way and occasionally reminded me that I was in denial about some things.

megamysterioso

((Deettah))-- even though it hurts you or makes you anxious now, I too believe that it will get better with time. The others have given you stellar advice about doing other things that will allow your preoccupation with him to settle. Come here as much as you need to if that's what it takes for you to feel better and stay strong. Hugs to you.

brdlvr

Just a note to say I understand. I truly do. I"ve not heard from my x in 4 days. He is in jail, but that has never stopped him before from calling and calling. No calls this time. Pray is all I can say - that's what I've been doing - and yes, feel the grief

deettah

Thanks guys, we are coming up on the third day now and I think I feel a little better already. I get so mad at my self it's like I am two people. I miss him but I don't want this. I love him but I don't want his kind of "love". I need better for my son and I but I long for destruction. Makes no sense at all and I hate feeling torn in half.

Cynay

Not to worry, that is SO normal.

The only thing you can do is re-learn how to live healthy.... Go get some book on recovery, Attend Al-anon or counceling.... go out with friends ... just keep really busy. I promise it will get better

Live

I second that Cynay!
In fact, it will get so much better, I wonder what I was so enthralled by.

gypsyrose

I did the no contact thing for three weeks once. Took my boys, loaded up the truck and went on a road trip. I kept us moving, visiting interesting places, learning new things. It was really hard but my AH had crossed a boundary I couldn't ignore and I needed time away from him to figure out what to do about it. It was stressful but each day I made it through got me closer to knowing what I wanted and remembering who I wanted to be.

It was the first time I'd left without saying goodbye and it was the first time AH didn't try to contact me while I was away. I am grateful for that time because if we had been communicating, I'm not sure I would have been able to detatch enough to create the boundaries I have now. It's only been a few months since then but during that time AH has been going to meetings a couple of times a week, has told his doctor he's an alcoholic and needs help getting sober and best of all, he is treating me much better. Most importantly, now, when his behavior starts to slip, I am able to remind him of my boundaries and he is respecting that. He and I both now know that am free to leave and that has been good for both of us. It's not a threat I'm using against him but a shared understanding that we both need to be healthy together and that if we can't be healthy together then we need to spend time apart. I continue to be hopeful that we will be able to be healthy together but the time we spent apart helped me get to the point where I knew I was going to be okay even if we couldn't be together. Hard, I know, for awhile, but eventually our lives can become our own if we focus on making things the best we can for ourselves. For me, it's all about being grateful... asking myself, what can I be grateful for today? Like I always say, life is short and then you die so you better make the most of today.

Live

The statement that I long for destruction keeps sticking in my mind. There is a strong bond created from emotional trauma, sometimes referred to as the Stockholm syndrome. There is a sticky in Women in Recovery that explains alot of this. It is long, so maybe look at what you need and skip the rest. I also think there is a sticky about the Stockholm syndrome in mental health. It helps to educate and learn what is going on.

sadface

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I feel your pain. It was so hard for me when my husband and I separated. It was the first time we separated and lasted so long. I read the books Co-dependent no more and When women love to much. It made me think and see why I do the things I do. I started working on myself one day at a time. I stopped answering his phone call or calling him. This forum also helped me understand I was not alone. I kept telling myself, he has the choice of coming back or changing for us if he wanted to.I still miss him, worry about him but it is different. I have learned we can love and care from a distance but it doesn' t mean we have to live that chaotic life. It takes time but it does get easier. You will get there ...you have so much support from this forum. And work on yourself things will get better for you.

deettah

Well, I didn't make it the third day. He stopped over to give me $ to pay bills and we got into an argument about the way he acted on Memorial day, not to mention he is sick and crabby and was a ***** to me when I asked if he was going to go see a Dr. Anyway, he proceeded to call me a c*nt, liar, b*tch, gross, ect....and I proceeded to tell him that he has finally helped me make the one and only healthy decision as far as our marriage is concerned and that it to file a formal separation and divorce. Ofcourse he was pissed and went on to blame me for talking down to him and he said he was sick of the way I treated him. Maybe he is, it translates to me that he is sick of working so hard on getting healthy when he doesn't think there is really anything wrong with him. No big suprise there. I am actually somewhat relieved. I was getting tired of waiting to be let down again. Now I have to work really REALLY HARD on me and making this boundary stick against all self-destructive efforts. Wish me luck guys!

megamysterioso

Best of luck Deettah and you can do it. I think it's a real blessing sometimes when they show us their true colors. It makes things much easier when a total jerk on every level is staring back at you . Keep your resolve about you. By everything he said, it doesn't appear he is serious at all about recovery. He's only "trying" to appease you. That type of effort does not last. Hugs.

Live

You can do it!
I never knew and always wondered what it was going to take for me to have enough of it. And even then, it wasn't easy...but it was so worth it.
hugs,
live

LaTeeDa

He is right. You are still trying to control him. And you are talking down to him. I know how hard it is, but you must give his life back to him to do with what he will. Do not ask him about seeing a doctor, do not intervene in any way with his choices. The only way he will take responsibility for himself is if you quit taking it for him. I know how hard it is. I thought if I let go of my husband, he would die. And he may have, but he didn't. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you really must get out of his way if he is ever going to recover. And whether he does or not, is not on you, it is on him. Please stop trying to control and rescue him. He does not want it or need it. You need YOU way more than he does. Think about this, please.

L

deettah

I know it was always easier for awhile for me to stay angry so maybe that's what I need to do for now to get through. And keep coming here ofcourse!

deettah

LTD, there was no "Thanks" button under your name but Thank you. you are so right. Anyway, I always said I didn't want to be his mother so why do I keep trying to mother him?!