harleygirl92156

The OW has been shooting off her mouth about ME for the past 6 months. A lot of the things she said have come back to me. I finally just told friends and family I didn't want to hear it anymore and let it go. I figured most know what her problem was and didn't hold much stock in what she said anyway.

Last week the City Clerk called me at WORK and said she heard hubby and I had purchased another house because we were getting a divorce. She said OW was talking about it at church and said hubby had to buy me the house to move into in order to GET RID OF ME.

I told hubby and he ask me if I wanted him to talk to her and tell her to cool it. I said no, this is about me and it is the straw that broke the camel's back and I would take care of it.

I met her after work, told her I knew about the relationship she had with hubby. She said there was nothing. I told her that was fine, then I probably needed to have this conversation with her husband. She then changed her attitude and admitted all. I then told her I would like her limit her conversations regarding me and my husband to NOTHING. I told her things came back to me and that I had just let it go for months but I was done and trying to move forward and she needed to deal with her own life and stop worrying about mine.

She then started crying and said she was jealous of our relationship, that she was married to a "blibbering drunk" and that she sometimes felt she may be an alcoholic as well. Her life is a mess, she is confused and she doesn't know what to do. I told her to take care of her self. Told her that just because her life is miserable and unhappy that she shouldn't try and ruin someone elses relationship. I told her that ruining someone elses relationship is not going to help hers in anyway infact could make it worse.

She apologized for all she had done, I told her I accepted her apology, but would have to pray for the ability to forgive. I told her we could NEVER be friends and that she could never be FRIENDS with my husband either and that contact with either of us, or talking to others about either of us is out of the question. She said it would stop and apologized again. Then we parted ways.

So my questions is, should I have confronted her or should I have continued to just work on letting it go. I do feel that at some point you have to stand up for yourself and I guess I got to that point, but now I question if it was the right thing to do or if I should have just continued to turn the other cheek?

laurie6781

Sounds to me like you did the 'adult' thing.

Wow, you sure have grown!!!!!!!

Not too long ago you probably would have her roflmao!

Seriously though, it sure sounds like you thought it through, did it calmly and 'firmly' in no uncertain terms, making your position very clear, and now can let it go.

Sure sounds like growth to me!!!!!

Love and hugs,

mallowcup

Slander is reason for a law suit. People are too willing to accept this behavior. This woman is damaging your reputation. If more people were willing to pursue bringing this behavior into court, theree would be less of it. I can promise you I have blown this type thing off before too. No more. We don't have to put up with it, and I wouldn't. It sounds like you have plenty of witnesses who could be summoned into court to repeat the slanderous statements. It would bring me great satisfaction to see a judge shut her big mouth. You can also be awarded money. Too extreme? I don't think so. I happen to have a job now where I go to great lengths to protect my reputation and maintain my integrity. Bottom line........go to the trouble of suing her. I would.

pmaslan

I think you handled it perfectly.
Let's hope she keeps her end of the bargain
and is as adult about it as you have been.

megamysterioso

Sounds like you did a good job to me HG. Now you can put this all too rest. Hopefully she will honor her word, but just take it one day at a time for now. All the best.

GettingBy

Ya know Harleygirl, this post is SOOOO timely for me! I'm having the same dilemna right now with my mother-in-law. She's been causing all sorts of problems for me and for the past year or so (since I started working my Al-anon program!) I've chosen to just let things go, and yet she kept pushing and pushing and pushing. She pushed me too far last weekend (she made a huge scene at my baby shower) and I'm stuck. Do I say something or do I just let it go like I have always done?

I've gotten mixed responses from all my Al-anon support, so I'm afraid I'm no help for you.

I'm glad you stood up for yourself though. Healthy or not, it must have felt great to face the truth head on. You kept it to facts, left out the emotions... sounds like you handled it very well. I agree with Pmaslan, I hope she holds up to her end of the bargain.

-Shannon

harleygirl92156

I appreciate the information you related, but I really want this to just stop so I can move forward and work on growing. I think a lawsuit that would drag me, my husband, this OW and her family through the dirt, airing our dirty laundry in public would not be beneficial to anyone, especially me. Since I am looking to make my life and myself have a better life, I just don't feel the action you recommend would be in my best interest.

ALTHOUGH, if it continues in the future, it is something I would consider.

reader

Hi HG, Its been awhile!! I also think u handled the situation wonderfully. Best to address those rumors head on and not beat around the bush. You stop them at their source! Hopefully, this will help your fresh start with ur hubby. As long as those rumors were flying around the past would always be brought up. I actually pitty the other woman, how sad her life must be and whats worse is that she had to go outside her marriage for attention. More importantly your marriage is right on track again and u both are happy. Come around some more!

sunshine003

HG, I don't see a relapse here. You wer eletting it go in your everyday life when you'd hear things. You had enough and you spoke out in a controlled way. I say you did great.

BUT, when she doesn't stop "talking" and she won't, then I think it's really time to turn the other way. She's got major issues and I don't believe a talk from you is going to stop her. Maybe I'm wrong and but given the history and the way she broke down shows just how lonely she is and how she will seek attention anywhere. It's weird.

You did your part, spoke your peace and you should feel good about that. But now, never let a word of what she says bother you. You have no control over it and those that KNOW you, won't believe what they "hear" either. The he said-she said game is just so silly.

harleygirl92156

I am confident she will stop. I made it pretty clear that my next conversation would be with her husband and her parents (who are very religious and would disown her) if it didn't stop. I know she will avoid that at all costs so doubt there will be anymore problems. If there is I know I have done all I can do and I am moving forward, she isn't going to occupy my mind rent free anymore, she has been evictied.

pmaslan

Good thinking HG....

Jazzman

Wow HG!! I say WAY TO GO!!!

I sure wish I could let go w/ a few speaches of my own some day.
I'll live vicariously through you!

cwohio

i don't see a relapse either - you were civil and stated what your boundaries are. i think it was bound to get to this point - i think you needed to personally address this for your own serenity. bravo!!!!!

Zoey

If she drinks, she will talk to who she thinks are her friends, asking them not to tell. etc etc.
I was wrong befor, lets hope I am wrong again, trying to bring you good luck here, HG.
I very much hope you are right.

harleygirl92156

You may be right, BUT if she drinks and talks then she suffers the consequences of her actions. Simple as that. Alcohol is no excuse for what you do or what you say, I told her that as well so she knows exactly where I stand. Balls in her lap, I took my ball and went home cause I don't want to play her game anymore. As far as I am concerned its over, she can do what she wants with it, but she knows EXACTLY what the repercussions are.
I do feel sorry for her as I know now what her situation is, but I also have to look out for me and my family first and she can only change her situation if SHE wants to. I guess praying for her would be the next right thing to do.

reader

poop

reader

Sorry about that post my son did it when I got the little creep ice cream!!

RLACP

Harley Girl,
I don't know if you did the right thing or not this time. I question the motivation of anyone who would pass that information along to you knowing that it could only be hurtful. What purpose could it possibly serve to tell you what some crazy lady said about you. Anyone who is truly a friend wouldn't listen to garbage because they know and care about you. And if they are not a friend, what does it matter what they think?

I am a grateful recovering member of COSA (Co-dependents of sex addicts) and I can tell you what I have learned from the program. I've learned that I can only take care of me. What someone else does is not my business because I can't control what someone else says or does.

My peace of mind came when I was able to surrender to my higher power. Before that I snooped, I pried, I called the other women (yes more than one.) All it did was eat me up inside.

My husband is in recovery and I am grateful to be OK regardless if he is acting out or not.

harleygirl92156

We live in a very small town and you know how people are, always sweeping the other side of the street while the dirt is piling up on thier side. My friends and family stopped immediately telling me things when I got healthy enough to tell them I didn't want to know about it. Other people, ie. the city clerk called as part of her job to find out who actually bought the house in question, so she said. Some people are just that way and we can't change them. I don't think all of them are doing it to be mean spirited or hurt someone else, it is just the way of gossip in a small town. I think, in fact, they think they are doing a good thing because they don't understand.

I don't care much what other people think and this was not really about that. I have been dealing with this woman for a total of 4 years and I just finally had enough. It wasn't about what she was saying as much as it was just her actions and attitude toward me and I just had enough, we sometimes reach that point. In the past when I reached that point, Lord knows what I would have done, but it wouldn't have been civil or quiet or adult in any way. I simply stated to her that I know what she was up to and it was time for it to stop and told her what the consequences were if it didn't and I did it quietly in a lady like fashion. Right or wrong, it is done and today I feel better, so in the long run I did what was best for me and will deal with it if and when the time comes, but I am fairly certain I ended the entire situation.

Like I said, the ball is in her court and I have gone home with mine and I don't intend on going back to the game. She can play as she chooses now, but she plays alone.

Zoey

I need a Thanks, that says "Wise gal"