daisyj

I'm feeling a little weak today. During the time he and I were together, I got along with most of his friends. Then he started his heavy drinking and got into drugs, and he burned most of his bridges. His friends stopped coming over, and of course that was my fault, because I'm such a bitch, you know, it had nothing to do with his behavior. (Hear the sarcasm...) Eventually, his only savior was me. Once I kicked him out, all his bridges were gone. I still talk to a few of his friends, they call me now to make sure I'm doing OK and check up with me. None of them believe (thankfully) that I did the wrong thing- they all were surprised I put up with his behavior for so long. So now, he's called at least one of his old friends, I guess trying to let him know what was going on, maybe trying to reach out to an old savior, and the friend refused to help or talk to him. And I feel bad that he's staying in a shelter downtown with no one. No one else feels bad, no one believes I should feel bad, (and I know logically I shouldn't) but I can't help it. He has nothing. All his clothes are still here, he has no vehicle, no money, no job, no one to care. But I can't be stupid enough to feel bad enough to let him back in. I don't want him back, I just feel bad. I'm so tired of giving everyone the perception that I'm a strong woman- I know I can be, but there are times when I just want a hug from a strong, capable man! And conversation from someone older than my 6 year old! I'm sorry, I dont want to be negative, but it's not been a good day...

Pick-a-name

Daisy....sorry you are feeling that way. Must admit, I've had a few days like that recently,too.......... I have found sometimes if I can get a little rest, it helps. Hope you feel better soon and also glad that your friends seem to be helpful.

ICU

Daisyj,

I know it can be very hard at times. All the emotions we've stuffed for so long tend to come back all at once. It's normal.

It sounds as though this is the perfect time to put the focus on you. Like Pick said, catching up on some extra rest is helpful. Sometimes while we are going through the crisis, we don't realize how sleep deprived we really are. When our minds and bodies are refreshed again, we can begin to pick ourselves up and carry on.

Take little steps, reach out to others, maybe see non-mutual friends for a little while. I would think that if I saw his friends, and all they spoke about was 'him' or 'us', that would delay/prevent me from focusing on me by keeping 'him' stuck as the center of my universe.

Keep posting!

reader

Oh I understand Daisy, I am a stay at home mom and I also miss the adult interaction sometimes. My husband is the silent type he is a good listener but I feel like I am talking to myself. I would try to think of ways to get out around other adults. There are alot of things u can do for free just to get out and about, I imagine Toledo is a large city, go to an Alanon meeting. Anything it takes to keep your mind off your AH. He will find his way and don't feel bad, you are making him take responsibility for his drinking. Keep your chin up, Kerry

megamysterioso

Oh (((Daisy))). I understand what you are saying completely. Our local friends here have done the same basically b/c they've had enough of AH's antics. They all think he is "crazy" and no one wants anything to do with him. They speak to me and have told me that they cannot believe how much I've put up with, etc. I too catch myself feeling really bad for AH at times. He truly believes that he has everyone "in his pocket." It's really sad. Any time I find myself feeling bad for him though, I remind myself that HE ALONE PUT HIMSELF IN THIS PLACE. He ALONE made other people distrust him, dislike him, etc. It is a path that he has created by himself for himself. People get back what they put out into the world. My pity tends to subside when I look at it in this very real way. I hope that can bring you a little comfort too.

outonalimb

daisyj,
maybe my exah is in the bunk next to yours.
He also has nothing.
He also has no one left to turn to.
I was his last refuge. (or, should I say, I was his last bridge to burn and its burnt to a crisp).
I used to feel sorry for him.
I don't anymore.
He chose this life.
He can chose a new one if HE wants.
I'm just not going to hold my breath or hope for it anymore.
I put him in God's hands and I'm leaving him there.
Hang in there...things WILL get better.

Missy

Ditto... Lost everyone we ever knew... but going to Al-anon opened up new door of great people and great friends for ME..try that. your story is soo like mine except my AHA isnt in the downtown thing?
May I ask what got him there?
Karen

daisyj

On Wednesday it will be three weeks since I locked the doors and windows and told him never to come back. For three days, he lived basically in his truck (that's in my name). Then that Saturday morning, while sleeping in the turck in a parking lot, the police picked him up and ran him for warrants, and found he had an open one for a domestic violence in December with me, when he had split open my lip and almost knocked my left front tooth out. (Which he has since then promised to knock out completely.) They took him to jail where he remained until last Friday, when I went to court for sentencing and asked the judge for a no contact order to coincide with the Children Services no contact order put into place two weeks ago. When the judge asked if I believed he would comply with the order if he was out of jail, I replied that I'm sure it would be difficult for him, since he has no where else to go. At that time, he told the judge he's made arrangements to stay in a church that provides substance abuse treatment programs and a place to stay if needed while those addicts are getting the help they need. It's all voluntary, though, and I can't believe they'll allow him to stay if he continues to drink and use. BUt I hope there are counselors there that can help him get on his feet and get a job, and eventually be on his own. I haven't spoken with him- if he violates the no contact order, he'll spend the rest of his 180 days of his sentence in jail. I know this is the best for everyone involved; he can't focus on himself and clean himself up if he's still fighting with me; but I can't help but be worried about him. I'm worried that he's eating, that he has a roof over his head, people to help him... I know these are the consequences for the path he's chosen, but it's very hard for me to let go and let God. I don't miss him- I don't miss his drama- but I just find myself praying that he's OK every night. And I pray that I made the right decision for me and my children. And him, for that matter. It's just hard. I know I'm right, I did the right thing, maybe a little late, but I still did it. It's just hard.

megamysterioso

I understand, but considering the domestic abuse, I hope you really realize that although this is tough for you, it is the right thing for you and your kids. How could letting him continue to hurt you back then have been the "right" decision? You're a good person to be concerned about someone that has hurt you so badly. Maybe he will use this as an opportunity to get the help he needs. Now is the time for him. Use today to do something good for you.

Pick-a-name

Daisyj......sounds like you did the best thing and really the ONLY thing you could do: for you,for him and your children. And allowing him to hurt,scare,abuse,etc., you and your children is certainly not going to help anyone.

Keep praying and I will keep you in my prayers,too. Keep posting and let us know how you are.

Have you ever read "Getting Them Sober"? It really helps me feel less "guilty" and worried about things when I read those books. A gentle reminder of our own importance and to care about ourselves,too. I know you do, but she (Toby Rice Drews) puts it in a way that makes it easier for me to DO.

Hugs to you and your kids.........maybe the legal system can "worry" about your guy for a bit now.