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Forcing the issue

Old 05-28-2006, 07:12 AM
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Forcing the issue

This past week a city-dwelling friend called, left a message on the machine requesting that she and her niece and mother come visit me here in the country, help plant gardens, go for a walk. Almost never do I receive visitors here, this place is my refuge, my escape. Especially so now, I'm becoming extremely protective of it, as my usual familiar methods of retreat in my head (through drugs) are being removed. The EXPOSURE is terribly unsettling. While I'm entirely open to, indeed inviting of, written exchanges of mind, physically I just want to be left alone.

Feeling somewhat guilty about not wanting company and not returning her call (how to explain???) I wrote of this to a friend who does know of my addiction and attempts toward recovery. This is the response:

"Fear of (being around) people will leave us"--that's one of the PROMISES of AA

The way you would prefer to handle the situation is something like this:
1. Let's see, I'm afraid of being around people.
2. Hmmm, only cure is to go to meetings, therapy, etc., so as to overcome my fear.
3. But I can't do 2 because of 1.
4. Guess I'll just stay like this and run into the woods whenever "fine people who I like" come around. They won't see me hiding, and therefore they never think that I am a bit strange and (by extention) might be, uh, "using something".
5. Got it handled!

So now I don't know. I think my increasing avoidance of people might also be reflective of an ongoing avoidance of actually DOING something about my addiction. It's true, I do NOT want anyone I know in person to know this about me, either the addiction or the present attempts at recovery. Am I going about this all wrong? Should I be forcing myself to interact with people? That only seems to add distracting stress and compells me to want to escape it, hide from it. I'm enjoying my solitude here this weekend immensely, and not using drugs in it. It's easy to be straight in this solitude, surrounded by nature and natural beauty...there's so much to do, to observe, to appreciate! Or, is this just further avoidance of reality.
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Old 05-28-2006, 07:25 AM
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Well, one of the things I discovered when I became sober is that I NEED alone-time. It's not a fear of being around peope, but a desire to be 'quiet'. I really need it on a regular basis. I love inter-acting with people, but am relieved to be able to go home at the end of it all. This is your home and your private space and you have it set up in a way that works for you. It gives you comfort. Therefore, no one should enter your home if you don't want them there.

I choose to not tell anyone, outside of SR, about my addiction. I struggled with the idea for awhile, feeling I was being dishonest. But, bearing your soul to people does not necessarily make you an 'honest' person. For me, I'm an honest person in the way I live my life every day. I did a lot of soul-searching. What I discovered is that most people have things about themselves that they rarely, if ever, share. From my point of view, addiction is a part of me, but not all of me. There are many other aspects as to who I am as a person.

Feeling that you have an obligation to a friend who invited herself and her child to come and stay with you is only that - an obligation - one of the 'shoulds' in our lives. My goal is to remove as many of those 'shoulds' from my life as I can. It's all about intention - you do something because you want to do it for some reason, not because you should.
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Old 05-28-2006, 07:37 AM
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I guess for me, it really doesn't matter what people know about me either clean or not. They sure as heck new me when I wasn't clean, they knew that I was high even though I thought that they didn't know. They knew by the actions that I take. So, now that I am going to meetings, working the steps, talking to a sponsor, reading the literature, and NOT USING, they can sure tell a difference in the way that I act.

Truly there is someday, we will be able to have that happy medium. But I know at least for me today, that I will never find that happy medium if I continue to hold on to fear. Have you been to enough meetings to hear what they say about fear?

FEAR = Fu*k Everything And Run

FEAR = Face Everything And Recover

FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real

I do like the last description of FEAR. Usually whatever I am fearful of never turns out the way that I think, for my thinker is broken, especially in early recovery. It takes time to heal, we didn't get here in one day, and we are not going to be well in one day either. So, for me, I need to Face the things that I am fearful of in order to get through them. Usually after I face them it isn't as bad as I thought it would be, and then I have truly accomplished something other than running from myself.

Anyway I am glad that you're here, that is truly what a closed mouth friend (Sponsor) is! A person to confide in, a person that you trust, and then also to be open-minded enough to try something that is suggested, yes it is going on faith that they might know something that is alien to us. Sending tons of good thoughts your way.

Love Vic
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Old 05-28-2006, 08:45 AM
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There's so much here, thank you for this. Those awful obligations and shoulds, they've plagued me my entire life! And feeling guility about not meeting expectations I evade and hide, which makes me feel deceptively dishonest, which is so destructive to integrity. In avoidance and fear of having to deal with it (the shoulds, the drugs, and reality), definitions 1 and 3 directly apply.

About definition 2, "Face Everything and Recover". I believe that's VERY true what you write Anna, that most people are secretive about their lives and their thoughts. Which is normal and probably largely good. But I'm thinking maybe I take it to too far an extreme and am not facing anything, instead avoiding. Not to sound like a drug-obsessed individual here, but for so many years running my primary investment of time, mind, and energy placed drug use at the forefront, everything else went to support and accomodate for that use...always in solitude. I have to wonder if I'm keeping that option to return to that open because I'm so unwilling to allow anyone in. Fear of exposure is avoidance. I've only attended a few meetings, I have no sponsor, am not working the steps. I am reading a lot and trying alternatives in place of time spent with drugs, but, again, alone. Seems like returning to the familiar is only one step away at all times. Yet to attempt to force engagement/ exposure (obligations) would only throw me over the edge into complete retreat.

So...just going with the EASY way today, no pressure to do anything other than just roll this all over in mind, and enjoy the day. In the time since I started this thread I went to tend the animals and found a mama hen emerged from the woods with 9 one-day old chicks. I need to bring them food and water now, to help her and her brood along.
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Old 05-28-2006, 09:21 AM
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Well, yes, I see where you're going with that. And, if you feel close to going back to the lifestyle, then it's clearly a concern. Let me see, I'm not an AA person either, so I don't go to meetings. My recovery has involved books, which have been the pillars of my life and coming here to SR which has helped enormously. Here I have the benefit of learning, of being helped when I'm down and of sharing what I know with others. What you're talking about I think, is balance and that's something I've tried to maintain since being sober. I know and accept there are things I can't/won/t do now, that I would have before. For example, if my social interaction is for a prolonged period (having guests staying with me for several days) or being with people all day long without a break, I start to regress. The spirituality is the first thing to go because I become so focused on the people that I lose the perspective of myself as a spiritual being. So, I think balance is crucual. Maybe talking to some people about your addiction might help you. The main thing is don't force yourself beyond what you know you can handle. Pushing yourself can be a good thing, but forcing is another thing. Above all, be kind and gentle with yourself. It is my firm belief that we know ourselves best and we know what we need. We must only listen to hear what it is.
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Old 05-28-2006, 09:32 AM
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We have that in common, we have been on a recovery retreat for one week. That is still very new, very fresh and I really do not want to entertain anyone.
My recovery comes first.
Heck, I am even glad my husband is out of town for the month and I love him very much!
There is nothing wrong with saying "This is not a good time" when people invite themselves.
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Old 05-28-2006, 10:34 AM
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aloneagainor - This is where checking our motives comes in, I think. As we walk along the recovery path, we need to be guided by our motivations and conscience. Are you running away, escaping, hiding, in denial or shame.... or are you on a retreat with self, nature and god? Only you can look deep within for those answers.

If it's the first, I strongly encourage you to reach out to your local AA community and start doing the work with others. If it is the second, I support you in following your inner councel and guidance.

Also, who is in control right now - your head, your heart or your gut? As someone who has lived her whole life in her head, I can tell you that integrating the heart and the gut knowings makes for a more true life. My head can talk me into all sorts of things that I know deep down are bad choices for me.

Keep reaching out and posting. This is an interesting and meaningful discussion.
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Old 05-28-2006, 11:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Phinneas
This is where checking our motives comes in. Are you running away, escaping, hiding, in denial or shame.... or are you on a retreat with self, nature and god?
Also, who is in control right now - your head, your heart or your gut?
You ask the quintessential questions, and I don't know the answer. The "know" probably reveals the answer...my thinking brain--both sides, the addicted and straight. They're at war for control, superceding the heart and the gut. Mind-heavy, there isn't balance. Unwilling/ unable to trust my thinking because I can't decipher which side is talking, it seems important to be open to listen to what others have to say, but not being very able to be honest because I'm hiding so much distorts the picture, which then allows my brain to morph whatever I do hear into whatever it wants. That's living in my head.

Though it's certainly not as though I'm an unfeeling disconnected individual either, I find profound depth and beauty and peace in the natural world, where everything makes clearsense, there is no struggle to interpret truth, what's real is self-evident, the system works, and I find belonging, oneness with all existence...

Oh this is so frustrating, I keep writing and deleting sentences, contradicting myself. Really trying to present a clear picture of what my thinking brain is telling me, while it's busy distracting me. The battle rages on. I've heard it said, "Let your spirit be your guide." My mind is running in circles, playing games with me. Maybe the spirit has better focus. I find writing this out a deeply spiritual quest and appreciate the external guidance freely offered here.
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Old 05-28-2006, 11:32 AM
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I just wanted to say that although i dont have any great words of wisdom to share with you, I'm thinking off u and backing you all the way!!
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Old 06-02-2006, 07:10 AM
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Just spent 20 min on a post and it was deleted.. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Heres the condensed version, I think.........

Hey now

I haven't been around a computer for a while, but you have been in my thoughts and I've been sending you out some good vibes....hopeyagotsome.

Alot of insights in this thread already.


Is it alone time or is it isolation masquerading.... it is OK to say no, too.

Better to give a truthful explanation( "I'm not feeling up to company") than to be left spinning and criticizing your handling of the situation ( remember 'the paralysis of analysis'!!!)

Take it easy second guessing yourself. You are seeking and that is paramount.The answers WILL come. You're wiser than you now know.

So, yeah, my first post got lost in space, I spilled a whole cup of coffee all over my car and it's 10:00 am

I'm off to have a good day, regardless.

Stay Stong
Stay Positive

Peace to you.

-Wolfman
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Old 06-02-2006, 11:29 AM
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Picking up your good vibes Wolfman. Know they're warmly, graciously, gratefully received. Thank you for the thoughtful attention.

"Truthful explanation" resounds. I WANT to be truthful, open, honest, direct, but so often that creates such controversy (ESPECIALLY regarding matters of spirituality, beliefs, drug use) I opt for avoidance. Which is also deceptive practice, and generates problems of its own.

Because "alone time" is pretty much all the time, and knowing my propensity for avoidance, I suspect "isolation masquerading" is the true answer, but don't know why. Both directions seem riddled with potential threat, being open and honest and engaging has inherent risks (of exposure, and of hurting/ disappointing/ frustrating/ angering people), being silent and hiding and isolated holds greater risks (re-opens the door to complete withdrawl/ retreat.)

Oh yes that IS "paralysis of analysis" in action. That phrase rolls through my head frequently, though not always quick enough. Not before I become paralyzed--stuck--does it come to mind. Part of the problem of living in one's head, I realize.

And again you touch on going "easy" on myself. You know I was third and fourth and fifth guessing myself just before coming here to SR today, and found your post. So I'll be knocking that off now and go back to what makes sense. Trusting that the answers will come, in time, and with patience. And with sound direction. It's knowing WHO and what to trust/ believe that trips me up so. Thinking and living in the positive always proves helpful and forward-moving. It's a gorgeous sunny day. The natural world is ALWAYS straight-forward REAL. I know to trust it, it's where life makes simple clear sense. A small dose of positive encouragement goes a long way with me. I return the favor in well-wishes for a peaceful day to you as well, my friend.
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Old 06-03-2006, 05:34 AM
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All the positive thoughts and OPEN exchange of this format seem to be finally sinking in to my oh-so-carefully-guarded head. Exposing it has that effect. Getting off the drugs seems to help a lot too.

Originally Posted by luckyv2
...I will never find that happy medium if I continue to hold on to fear. Have you been to enough meetings to hear what they say about fear?
FEAR = Fu*k Everything And Run
FEAR = Face Everything And Recover
FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real

I do like the last description of FEAR. Usually whatever I am fearful of never turns out the way that I think, for my thinker is broken, especially in early recovery. It takes time to heal, we didn't get here in one day, and we are not going to be well in one day either. So, for me, I need to Face the things that I am fearful of in order to get through them. Usually after I face them it isn't as bad as I thought it would be, and then I have truly accomplished something other than running from myself.
Last night the phone rang AGAIN, thing's been ringing with so many people wanting to talk with me, and all I've been doing for weeks is avoiding. It's starting to create real problems. So thinking on FEAR last night I picked up (the phone) and dealt with business. Hung up, five seconds later it rang again. I listened to my city-dwelling friend go on at length about wanting to come visit. So persistent! I could not avoid any longer and answered. She's a beautiful person. I told her the honest truth, I've been avoiding EVERYONE. She was completely understanding. But she really wants to come visit! I welcome her company today, along with her niece, mother, and her mother's friend. They want to HELP me garden. I'm so overwhelmed with garden work (this is my occupation) I can't keep up. So consumed by drugs/ recovery I can't think straight. So head-strong an isolationist I can't ask for help. So FEARful of exposure I'm paralyzed, incapacitate myself.

Today, I'm facing all that head on. I'm getting HELP today. And grateful for it. Peace.
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Old 06-03-2006, 02:00 PM
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Congrats on'showing up for life' instead of watching it bewildered and being a passenger. Doing the things that seem uncomfortable and getting through them diminishes the power that our worries exert. Like the callouses that will develop on a new guitarists fingers and make it easier to make the beautiful music...

Gotta run
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Old 06-03-2006, 02:24 PM
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I am the exact same way. So much so that I had started getting worried about it. Ive been sober for over two years now and started to notice that I had become very shy. Very stand-offish. A drop-dead gorgeous girl stopped to talk to me the other day,....seemed kinda interested in me actually. Believe it or not, the whole time she was talking to me,....the only thing I could think of was, "How do I get out of this?". Holy crap. Whats wrong with me, I wondered. Then I spoke to someone close to me in recovery. They told me its very common. That it will ease back to being easier. But he told me to help it along, its a good idea that I sort of force myself to be sociable. Friendly. Outgoing. And when you feel like lsolating the most,.....THATS when you should go up and talk to someone the most. So today I went to an AA meeting. It was one I hadnt ever been to. I was a little nervous. Weird, huh? Been going to three a week for over two years. Shouldnt be nervous. But I was. I walked in and it was a pretty huge room. The few scattered early attendees turned their heads and looked my way immediately. The first thing I felt was "Get to a table QUICK" and the next thing I felt was "pick a table where nobody is at" so I did. I sat there for two or three minutes. Then I realized that I was giving in to my isolating urges once again. So I got up,....walked out,....turned around, and walked back as if it was my first time. Start anew! I walked over to the most populated table (all women) and sat down. It turned out to be one of the best meetings I have ever attended. One of the girls asked if I would give an open talk at her church this Thursday night. I accepted. Man,.....just a little effort,....thats all it takes. A little effort and God sees. He sees,.....and blesses us for trying. For MAKING that effort. Even when we didnt really want to do it. He knows how difficult that it for us sometimes.
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Old 06-03-2006, 04:16 PM
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Yes the more that we face our fears the less power they have over us. Just as it is when we really want to isolate, when we want to isolate or don't want to if we would just face it and deal with it, it soon will loose it's power over us. Going out in faith sometimes is the only way. Listening to what others have tried, and saying yes, I can do that, instead of not doing nothing at all. This for us is a learning process, and each day we have a new opportunity to do the right thing for the right reason. Anyday that I can change just a little, I am opening up a new avenue, which I have no clue where it is going, yet I welcome it with open arms. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and we together will make it.

Love Vic
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Old 06-03-2006, 06:09 PM
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Thank you everyone....I have learned so much here. And it sure points to something I wasn't ready to face, but must address.
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Old 06-04-2006, 04:33 AM
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Happy and relieved, at ease here this morning, grateful for the gentle encouragement in ((earlybird))"MAKING that effort. Even when we didn't really want to do it." ((wolfman)) "Doing the things that seem uncomfortable and getting through them diminishes the power that our worries exert." ((Vic))"The more that we face our fears the less power they have over us." Addressing things we don't want to face ((liveweyerd)).

Could copy this entire thread in gratitude. Midday yesterday my friend and her mother and I tended gardens, backs to the sun, hands to the earth, surrounded by sounds of birds wild and domestic, and sweet smells of late spring. They expressed such appreciation to be here. I too easily forget how nature-starved city folk can be for that connection to nature. And I too readily overlook the positive effect connection with other people does have on me.
Originally Posted by 51anna
I think balance is crucial. The main thing is don't force yourself beyond what you know you can handle. Pushing yourself can be a good thing, but forcing is another thing. Above all, be kind and gentle with yourself. It is my firm belief that we know ourselves best and we know what we need. We must only listen to hear what it is.
There's an element of self-confidence to be recognized here, as it crops up in most every entry to this thread. About second-guessing ourselves, distrusting our abilities, opting for isolating retreat over forward-moving action. Watching things happen as a "bewildered passenger" seated at the table in the far corner. Oh the similarities between where we place ourselves physically, and mentally! And spiritually. It really is all about connecting, Interconnectedness. Taken in small doses, so not to force. Listening to learn how to proceed, with ease. I'm believing there may be peace found in this.
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Old 06-04-2006, 05:18 PM
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This is one area where recovery through AA/NA has definite advantages over trying some other method, like online recovery, books, etc. AA/NA teaches us how to have relationships again with real people, beginning with a sponsor and AA/NA friends and moving outward toward the rest of the world. One thing that happens to most of us when we use drugs/alcohol is that we develop very bad ways of relating to people (if we relate at all). We do not learn how to relate to people by staying home. The only way to learn is to get out into the world and be with real people. As you can probably tell, I'm a big believer in AA/NA. I understand that many people on these boards don't do that. But I know what works for me...
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Old 06-04-2006, 07:17 PM
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Well you know, I've been avoiding meetings too. I'm being strongly encouraged by multiple sources here whom I DO trust and, oddly enough, seem to relate to, to attend. They all credit NA/ AA as a fundamental part of their recovery. Fellow loner-types, the whole lot of them. I hear that it works, and did go to a step-group meeting last Wednesday...good people there...before I left they asked, "Are you coming back?" and I said I would. But later coming up with so many reasons why not. And then finding many reasons why I should. Brain in overdrive. I'd do well to just commit and go. But I avoid committments. Such an addict. OK, I'll go.
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Old 06-04-2006, 07:23 PM
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Originally Posted by aloneagainor
Brain in overdrive. I'd do well to just commit and go.
But I avoid committments
. Such an addict. OK, I'll go.
You are not alone here! I think that most addicts/alcoholics are isolators and we too avoid commitments. There really isn't anything strange about that with us. Meetings are a way to break that ice, to try something different, to be able to relate. One of the hardest things for us, is to know that we are not unique. That there are others (like me) who understand, and are able to relate. That is how we grow, that is how we change, that is how we learn how to be responsible, productive, members of society. Not hiding from ourselves, our fears, our hangups but the program teaches each of us a new way to live. The right way if there is such a thing. Glad that you are here, and hope that you make that commitment, to yourself just for today.

We don't have to make promises, we just do the best we can with what we have.

Love Vic
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