needuwell

I went to an open AA meeting last night with my A and he received his 30 day sober card. I am so proud of him. I dont know what i would do without the support from this forum and Al-Anon meetings i go to once a week along with my daily readings. He has talked about a sponsor, but i can not push him onward and I know that. Just waiting patiently for him to reach out for one of those phone numbers.My A wants to marry me. In August. I know that we should not make and drastic moves for about a year after sobriety. I need advise today if anyone would give any.

equus

I think when you need advice wait. I know when I knew I wanted one person advice would really have been pretty irrelevent, in fact the marriage didn't seem that relevant - it was simply saying openly and publicly what we'd already shared privately, and before we shared it with each other we both already knew our own answers.

needuwell

I know what I want , I do want to marry this man, and he has made great progress. I knew when I first met him that he was going to be the one, and he has said the same thing.

daddysgirl29

Hi there. Congrats to your A as well as YOU for being so supportive!! Waiting would probably be wise, though for how long would depend on a number of things.

I can only speak from my experience - I've been sober almost 6 months, and you can't BELIEVE how much my life has changed (for the better.) BUT, I haven't dated again yet b/c I want to get used to this kind of "being". Does that make sense? When your head is clouded w/ booze/and/or/drugs, I think it's good to take some time to readjust. Just my 2 cents, but you are smart to ask. His sobriety is still 'fresh' - make sure it's solid unless you wanna deal w/ that (the ups and downs of being w/ an alkie), ya know?

Hope this helps!
DG

elizabeth1979

I would wait if I were you.
If I may ask, whats the rush?

equus

You know what settled the alcohol thing for me? I'd have married him if he had alzheimers, a brain tumour or rotting limb disease!! If he turned round tomorrow and told me he wanted a sex change I'd still stay married (as long as he shaved his beard off while wearing skirts!!).

It wasn't about what the future would bring, it was about the person who was already my life partner where it matters.

equus

BTW - I still think if you're asking wait...

needuwell

Well, we have been sorta looking to buy a house and rehab, and start a family, we already live together and have been for 9 months now. And want to legalize our relationship. He is 41 and I am 37 neither one us have any children, and the clock is tick tick ticking away. I feel that I am ready for such a commitment, and i believe that he is too.

equus

Kids is different, it's not in our plans so it was only us we had to think of.

Can I ask a question? What if you found out now he couldn't have kids? Would you feel differently?

needuwell

In my heart of hearts I believe this is the right thing, but he and I are both in recovery and I do not want to mess that up.

LaTeeDa

I think that is very wise of you. 30 days is not very long. Also, 9 months together isn't all that long either. If you do want to start a family, you need to start it with two healthy parents. Having children will put a strain on even the best of relationships.

I agree with Equus that if you are asking, maybe you should wait. If it really is the right thing, it will still be the right thing at a later date.

My two cents.

L

equus

uhmmmm.... like even 10 years of no contact and me thinking him dead in our case!

It's true - love is very tough and enduring, but you have to marry the person (I think) not the thought of marriage or the future.

MySecret

h

needuwell

Is this a warning??
I am confused now Jen

Zoey

When he gets a sponser, the sponser might tell him to not make any changes for a year.

I believe this is a good idea, as if there is a slip or relaps it is best no one is saying anything, so he can think it through.

I also believe that there are people like equus and D , they I believe are exceptions. If I remember correctly D had been fighting for sobriety before they got back together. Has your A tried befor??

Most, (not all) have a terrible time staying sober, many have extreme anxiety and depression, then there is anger because they cannot be a social drinker, can never again have their pain killer, their anti-anxiety pill, and a way to relax, the withdrawal makes them badly need something to relax.

In some cases everything that is said is wrong. If we say Good Morning, we are too cheerful.
This just my opinion from going to lots of AA and Al-Anon meetings, reading the AA Grapevine every month etc.etc.

Sobriety is difficult, that is why so few make it.

My pet peeve is anyone useing the word should. "You SHOULD do this"
"You BETTER do this or that" "You NEED to". Many say these words in a loving and careing voice, but that doesn't help with me.
Sorry to tell you all this , it is your life, and anything I write is suggestions only, each person is different and each relationship is different.
I am wishing the best for you both. hugs

needuwell

He has never tried to get help, b/c he never wanted or felt the need to.

equus

Yep - that is true. However it didn't stop years of the depression or anxiety, a couple of weeks not knowing if he'd end up in a psych ward, months unemployed, it didn't stop him getting blind drunk again or drinking after taking double doses of beta blockers when the doc had already said his heart was too slow. And none of that stopped me being glad he was my husband. It did make me very grateful though that I married him as a whole human being rather than any dreams I had for our future.

Now things are very good, the fighter he had proved to be long before his return has fought through. I have lovely hopes for the future - they are hopes, just hopes and I feel lucky for knowing that because each day matters SO MUCH.

megamysterioso

Hi Needuwell and congrats on his progress! That is wonderful .

As far as my opinion on getting married in August...

Listen to your "But" this time!!! Waiting seems to be the smartest thing you can do for now. You both have so much going on and there should be no rush. You will still have each other with or without the rings. Listen to your But!!!

needuwell

Thank you all for your cents (sense)
all is appreciated.
I already knew what I was going to do, just wanted opinions, thanks !!

Zoey

equus, are you saying you married for better or worse???
Did you know in your sub-consious that no one could ever replace him.??
You really did the right things with D, I was always impressed. Seems you did not need or try to change him, that is the greatest thing one person can do for another.