Pepsifreek007

life is so confusing what is real and what is not. Most of the time I am ok with my relationships but sometimes they get outa hand like now. I have a husband but we are not as close as we should be because of our drinking that got out of hand. When we first met I should of realized but was so out of it mentally and emotional that I did not notice the way he was.. 6 months later I married him. Unfortunately, I did not know he was not confortable with hugging or touching. A couple of years into the marriage I began to push the issue but he would always push me away verbally. It began to bug me but I could not force it so I dropped the issue but I think it really began bugging me five years into the marriage. And, I began to feel alone so I drank. My self esteem began to suffer so I got a job and started helping him with the bills thinking this is the problem maybe it's me, you know. It was partime job but I figured every little bit helps and it did at least my self esteem anyway.

GettingFree

Hi pepsi,

Most people would find it hard to sustain a relationship without some sort of physical affection. Touch and warmth are critical ways we communicate and feel closeto someone and feel and express love and appreciation. I can understand why you have been so confused and lonely. I also understand how you could believe that if only you were different, or did the right things, he might change -- standard for us ACoAs and codies. And I understand too how you turned to self-destructive behavior to manage the pain and loneliness.

What are you looking for now? Are you trying to figure out what to do? Whether to stay in the marriage? How to address the lack of intimacy? How to detach?

I wasn't really sure from your post,

best

gf

cwohio

it is a critical part of life. i am coming to terms with this myself. most of my immediate family growing up and to this day are NOT touchers or show physical affection and i never thought anymore about it until i got into recovery. i realize a lot of how i behave and trust issues stem from this. i have literally forced myself to act spontaeously and hug someone when i was afraid to. it feels a bit more natural now but still i hold back sometimes. on the flip side i can't imagine how the other person feels that feels me stiffen up when they show affection. this may have been a problem in my marriage that i just didn't "see" at the time.