MySecret

My husband has gone on detox this week, hes now 5 day sober I am not staying with him hes doing it on his own, hes getting back into the gym and seems to be going ok but hes gone really funny with me?? after weeks of ringing me day and night texting, hes gone cold? is this usual.......hes telling me that im keep questioning him but I havent, not to the extend I have done in the past I have asked him the odd thing like how is it going what did you do today, as im taking interest, as everyone else has but form me "im questioning him" im starting to feel resentful now like hang on a minute do you flaming well blame me anyway if I did after what I have had to put up with why should I trust you.......

he also found a divorce email on our laptop dated back to the beginning of may, It was just advise on quickie divorces and he go tthe right hump and siad was I planning to divorce him I said no not at the moment but when I looked up that I was in a mess he was acting like a **** and walking up the road half drunk to get a bottle of wine of me and all sorts I didnt know what to do or if he was going to get help so Im like yes it did and has crossed my mind but again can you blame me, anyway he deldt with it well as in he didnt reach for a drink he just tried to not think about it, but hes been cold and hardly called ma everysince.......whats going on?? i feel well pushed to one side

jimhere

The title of your thread/question confuses me. Can you clarify Jen?

Don't take your husband's reactions personally. He is not on solid ground physically or emotionally. There will be fluctuations, mood swings.

I know it is hard, but don't push the issue. Give him some space. Have you looked in Al-Anon?

MySecret

also he says his specilist told him to avoid conflict or is he avoiding me for another reason? Im so upset

MySecret

I mean to be do alcoholics go cold with "us" when in dettox........

I feel like a spare part tossed aside now he doesnt need me to boost him up!!!*******.

LaTeeDa

This is a classic codependent reaction. Have you read "Codependent No More?" Have you gone to any Alanon meetings? If he is serious about getting sober, there will be lots of changes. One is that he will have to learn to depend on himself, take care of himself, own up to the consequences of his own actions. As codependents, we cast ourselves in the role of taking care of them, usually to our own detriment. For the relationship to work, I believe both the drinking and non-drinking partners must make major changes in how they see themselves. 5 days is a very short time for any big changes to take place. The best thing you can do is put your focus on yourself. I know, I sound like a broken record, but my husband has been sober for 8 months and we are still working on ourselves. We have not moved back together because we don't want our relationship to be like it was before. Even without the booze, there were a lot of unhealthy things going on, and that takes time to change. I never realized how much a part of the whole sick scenario I was until I started focusing on me. It really is the best thing you can do.

Best wishes,
L

ASpouse

He doesn't need you to boost him up ...... he has to do this all on his own. When he needs your support you'll know it, right now, leave him be.

laurie6781

Jen, Judy is right, leave him be for now.

When you ask what you think is an innocent question, like, "how did your day go?" in his fogged brain that question becomes "did you drink today, are you drinking now, are you going to drink tonight?"

Just because he is not drinking, things are not going to instantly get better. He does not know right now, whether he is coming or going, may have finger nail marks in the wall from hanging on. Detox cannot only be physically exhausting, the mind is totally confused.

How about you work on you. Might I suggest you get to some Alanon meetings and get a sponsor.

One of the things he will learn in sobriety is how to react differently to others actions.

Again Judy said it first, you CANNOT help him, or BOOST him up, he has to do this on his own.

Remember the 3 Cs.........You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it, and you can't CONTROL it.

This would be a great time for you to take care of you.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

Live

I am de-toxing from something else right now. My hubby is 1000 miles away for work reasons and.....I love him very much, but I am glad he is not here and I am alone. I have been edgy, I have been sick and I have needed to spend all that I have on taking care of myself, I am not up to being a considerate good wife or dealing with anyone else. If he even turned on the tv I would get wiggy. I need to be by myself, taking care of me, so that we can have a healthy happy future. We talk on the phone. Lots. Every morning he calls me and shares a narrative of walking through our flower garden, feeding the banty chickens and talking to them so I can hear and we even watched the same tv program at the same time sharing it by phone. But the only time we talk about how I am doing etc is when I bring it up and tell him and he is wise enough to listen and let it go. No advice, no questioning. No directions, nada. He leaves it alone and trusts me. And I am honest with him.
He would hop in the truck and come here right now if I asked him to, but I have told him honestly that I am glad I am alone as this is enough and all I can deal with and it is easier this way. He understands and his feelings aren't hurt. He knows I love him. And he knows that his love shores me up and that I need it and want it very much. But it is so not focused on my de-tox and recovery. He is very happy about what I am doing and feels that it is for us and we look forward to a happier, healthier future...tho' he reassures me his love is not dependent on whether or how I do this.
I share this as an example of how very good support from my spouse is working for me.
If he were questioning me, directing me etc etc etc, I would not want to talk to him. I want respect.
This is just my story and my opinion.
live

ASpouse

I have to agree with Laurie also ...... this is exactly how our seemingly innocent inquiries are interpreted. It's best to just keep it light and easy. Remember, JUST FOR TODAY ..... you can do it!

Live

Maybe I should clarify.....if he were to keep asking and monitoring, I would still love him but I would be annoyed and not want to talk as I would not enjoy the conversation. I would feel pressured, I would take it as overbearing and taking away from me my autonomy and my decision making as an adult.
Does that make sense?

MsPINKAcres

confused jen,

it is a crazy time for both of you, do try some al-anon meetings, also if possible can you make a few open AA meetings - not his meetings, but different AA meetings - maybe some that the people don't know either of you? It can be a great place to sit in silence and learn about this disease. What the newbees are going through, even what the old timers go through . . .
Try to take this time to rest and take care of you, new sobriety emotions change often for you and for him . . .
Let Go & Let God,
Rita

Zoey

live, if you were alcoholic wouldn't these feelings make you want to drink, no matter how much you loved him??? Not that you are even angry, it is our body screaming for a certain pill.
Just as now you perhaps want your pill. Pills are not as hard to give up as alcohol is. Might be because seems everyone uses alcohol.

We addicts cannot handle much when going through withdrawal, I had to be reading every min. or go to a meeting. I could not handle anything else.
Guess this is more for confused Jan, Drinking alcohol seems to be natural to many and sorta big shot,the in crowd ,bright lights laughter etc. Where taking pills is sorta much more private.

live,I know it is no fun . I worked myself off sleeping pills one time. That is easier than what you are doing. Hang tight.

LaTeeDa

Seems that is rather a broad generalization. Wouldn't it depend on the individual?

Zoey

Ya got me again, Yes ! you are right! Each person is different. There are exceptions also. Thank you for clarifing for both live and jan.

I still feel if someone is a barroom drinker MOST feel they are giving up everything worthwhile in life, as many do not have a hobby. So what is there to do???

pmaslan

Clancy quote:
I still feel if someone is a barroom drinker MOST feel they are giving up everything worthwhile in life, as many do not have a hobby. So what is there to do???

gotta agree with you there my friend....I have heard this comment from
more barroom drunks that I care to remember....

LaTeeDa

Not trying to "get" you. I've never overcome an addiction, so I wouldn't know. I would just think if someone who had overcome a pill addiction was reading this thread, it might come across as their recovery was somehow less of an accomplishment than a recovering alcoholic's.

Zoey

ya got me again. Yes! it depends on each person.
Thank you, that will clarify for live and jen.

Zoey

PS. i could not get that duplicate reply to cancell. Tried everything.
Sorry everyone !
pmaslan, LOL you and I have been around too many A's ! They say it so seriously too, don't they?? Bless them! Then again not everyone is a barroom drinker.

Jazzman

You go girl!! YAY!!!

Jen this is going to be a long difficult process for the both of you. Even 10 days, 20, 30...

Not trying to bum you out... just trying to suggest you reset your expectaions. Great news that he's giving it a go!

Kellye C

Live - I'm proud of you - keep up the great work.

Jen - I feel for you and what you're going through - I agree with those who have suggested that you take this time to work on you. Might I suggest that you also take this time to relax and de-stress a bit? Living with an active A is no fun, being an active A is also no fun.

Your husband is going through a lot right now. De-toxing is hard physically and emotionally because emotions that we've worked so hard to cover up are bubbling up and there is nothing there to buffer them. It is important to have support but I can see where he might think that the innocent questions are more of an interrogation and react to them. I know when I was going through it I sure didn't want someone who hadn't BTDT asking me about it. That's not a slap to anyone but I only felt comfortable discussing it with other alcoholics. Any inquiries or interest that my family showed I took to mean that they were waiting for me to screw up.

Hang in there, it does get better. He's getting the help that he needs, you should look into doing the same for yourself. Nobody gets out of this deal unaffected so be kind to you and do what you need to do for YOU, which is the only part of this that you can control. Step back and let him do this deal on his own, that is the only way it can be done anyway.

Big hugs,
Kellye