paige

I have tried wrting a post about five times now. But, everytime I get nervous for some reason and just delete it. I do however read alot on this sight and now I do not feel as alone in my situation. So, thank you. THank you to everyone with the courage to write and to be open. My H to be is a wonderfull person with a horrible habbit, drinking. He is two completely different people when he is sober and when he is not. Of course he has promised more then I can count that he would not drink anymore. But we always end up in the same spot. I love him so much I feel like I could never leave him. He has a wondefull and giving heart. But, I also don't know if I could handle living with an A my whole life. I have tried to perfect myself thinking that then he would have no reason to drink. But, I am slowly starting to realize this is not the case. Although, if I get upset over the drinking or ask him not tooo, it only drives him to drink even more and get upset with me. I am at a lost.

megamysterioso

Congrats on your first post then . Welcome to SR ((paige)) and remember these 3 Cs--- you did not CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE it! It is not your fault that he drinks and no amount of nagging, "perfecting" yourself, pleading, bargaining, etc. will make him stop unless he is ready to stop all for HIMSELF and no one else.

You are in the cycle of addiction. Please go to www.empoweredrecovery.com and download the free e-book they have there. It is very insightful and will help you better understand this very predictable cycle of addiction and your role in it. It will educate you on the reality of it and how to deal with it. Married life with an A is NO picnic and I highly suggest you take your time before rushing to the alter with this man.

Hugs to you and you are not alone.

ilovebdj

Paige, first and foremost, thank you for sharing. I know it takes guts to write that first post and stick it out there for everyone. It's kind of quiet at this time of night, but I'm sure there will be others to respond as well.

I am in a similar situation. I had/have a fiancee' that couldn't stop drinking, and I thought at the time that when I nagged him about drinking that it made him drink more. That isn't necessarily true, I've learned....if your husband to be is an alcoholic, he will always find a reason to drink. As I have learned, you do not have that much power to control his drinking. You can't make him stop, but you also can't make him continue. If he continues to drink even though you are asking him not to/being upselt, that is his disease and his choice. You aren't putting the bottle up to his lips, so please don't feel guilty on that one.

You have to decide whether or not you want to live your life with an alcoholic. Because whether he gets help or whether he doesn't you will still be living with an alcoholic. Now you have to decide if living with an active alcoholic is worth it. No kids and no mortgage I assume? A lot of people will tell you to run like he**, as they did tell me. I didn't. My AF and I are currently separated. Not sure if we are working it out, but he has been sober and going to AA for three months now.

You have to determine your boundaries. Do you want to continue on this merry go round? No, probably not. You should pick up Codependent No More, it's a book. Also, are there Alanon meetings in your area? I would give that a stab as well. They will give you tools on how to live your life in a more manageable way, whether it is with him or without him. If he sees that you are getting help for yourself for this disease, maybe that will coax him a little. Getting help for you right now is priority number one. "Help for me?" you might say? Yea, I said that same thing too at first....

Think of it this way....if you are willing to put up with this kind of behavior, that has to make you crazy in some way, does it not? Ok, maybe crazy isn't the word, but if your girlfriend was telling you she was dating an alcoholic wouldn't you ask her why she was staying? Why she is putting up with the lies? Why she is selling herself short? Yes, you probably would. So now you have to figure out if your self worth and/or self esteem has been damaged to the point that you are willing to put up with this.

Sorry I can't write more right now. If you ever need a friend you can PM me. I'm glad you are here, keep reading everyones posts. I found that it helped me a lot in the beginning. Just remember, you are worth a lot, and your boyfriend most likely has a disease. You need to learn the tools to be able to deal with this situation. Keep us posted.

FormerDoormat

Sweetie, if you're feeling lost and confused, perhaps you might want to postpone the wedding until you can think more clearly. There's no need to rush into such an important decision. In the meantime, you might want to find an alanon meeting in your area so you can meet face-to-face with other women who married alcoholics and learn how difficult and heartbreaking it can be to live with an active addict.

I found it helpful to learn all about alcoholism so I could get a clear picture of the disease and understand what the future held if I continued my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend.

Another good resource is the book Codependent No More by Melody Beatty. Others have found the book Getting Them Sober helpful, too.

I'm glad that you're asking the tough questions before you take the plunge. You've got a lot of work ahead of you before you take the plunge, so you best get started.

Welcome to SR.

reader

Welcome Paige, I am glad u posted!! It sounds as if u a very much in love with you H. So what I can suggest is to learn about acceptance and bounderies. These can be learned at al anon or through reading the big book or many others. It seems with alcoholic marriages there is only 3 routes - Leave
recovery acceptance. Get reading and keep coming back. Take care of u.

ASpouse

I would get to Al Anon and definitely postpone the wedding! He has to suffer consequences for his actions.

Perhaps this will put it in perspective for you ..... the drinking comes first and you come second and you always will as long as he is drinking. You may even be lower on his "important" stuff list than 2nd. Possibly even last.

Anyone of us here who thought that "marrying" the drinker in our lives would change them and make them stop has had the wind knocked out of our sails quickly. I can't think of one person who has succeeded with that line of thinking.

I hope you get to Al Anon and take care of yourself first, because he sure isn't going to, not yet anyway.

reader

A couple posters are confused she refers to her S/O as H i would assume he is her Husband! I could be wrong

Pick-a-name

Paige...........I am SO glad you made the plunge and posted; get's easier everytime!

I could have written every word you wrote, except that it took years before my AH's alcoholism bubbled up to that point; but it did. It is progressive, so if an alcoholic is still drinking or even stops drinking but isn't in treatment for recovery, it keeps getting worse. I think you have already had a taste of that. My sweet, responsible, loving husband and father has become someone I barely recognize, MOST days.

Stck around. Keep posting

megamysterioso

Hey reader. I'm not sure what is going on here. When I read this last night, I could have SWORN that she put that he was her fiance and hence she wrote, "But, I also don't know if I could handle living with an A my whole life."

Maybe she came back to edit her post for some reason????? Please clear this up if you come back today Paige. Have I lost my mind?

ASpouse

I would think this would also mean SO or fiance.

megamysterioso

Thanks Judy--- I missed it--- must be thinking about the opossum!! LOL.

No need to explain Paige .

Missy

Al-anon,Al-anon,Al-anon,Al-anon,Al-anon,Al-anon

are we clear ???

karen

marmee

Paige....I can relate to trying to be perfect. It doesn't work. They will always find some reason to pick you apart. Don't try to be perfect, just be you. This has been a struggle for me in my life. I came to the realization that I'm not perfect (Trust me, this was a shock to me.) Nothing I do will change him. My life is so much more relaxed now that I have accepted this. Good luck to you...prayers....Marmee.

MsPINKAcres

Piage, I must agree with the general suggestion, find a place for you. By place, I mean a recovery, helping healthy place. Al-Anon, Sober Recovery, and many other helpful recovery web sites. Face to Face meetings are awesome if you can manage to find one in your area. At our meetings, we have newcomer packages, that have pamplets about the disease, recovery, detachment, etc. great starter info.
Most of all don't give up on you, until you find that inner peace
Rita

GeorgiaPeach

I agree with boundaries and consequiences(sp)! Take care of yourself so that if you stay you wil be prepared for everything. Unless he wants it, it won't stop, the arguing and the name calling and the just plain being mean & hateful and accuisng you of everything and everything being you fault. Think before you leap because it is not too late to postpone and think things through. You have gotten some very good information to go on.

gypsyrose

I remember a time when I thought his rants about my being a lousy housekeeper were justified but then I realized he was just as likely to rant about it on a day I'd made a special effort to clean the house as on a day that I hadn't. It's easy to feel like you'll never be good enough let alone "perfect" around an alcoholic. They'll use or make up any excuse for being in a mood. It's great to get to the point where you can see that their behavior has nothing to do with you.

Cynay

You know too that the more they rant, it usually means the more hurt/angry they are with themselves... it really is not personal.

I have heard many A's talk about the fights they would pick to get out of the house just to drink.... and I mean full out wars and in front of children... they dont care they just have to have an excuse... plus if they did not have you to focus on .. they might have to take a look at themselves and that is just NOT going to happen while they are active.

ASpouse

Thats why Cynay when my husband was actively drinking and he would start, I'd say "just go, but don't start any crap with me because you feel like drinking".

It never stopped the nonsense though .... I think they feel such deep pain, it's more a kneejerk reaction than an actual "emotion". Does that make sense?

Cynay

Yea kinda... I still have not figure all of that one out... since I dont live with an A now the depth of that Chaos is fading.

I have to agree, I would not and never did fight him about drinking...

It must be horrible to live in that body. I know they love and love deeply... when I lose it on my daughter the look in her eyes brings me to my knees and her look/my losing it is a fraction of what my ex use to do. I would not have wanted to be him looking into my eyes.

Maybe that is why alot of A's end the relationships when they get sober, it would be really hard to look the person in the face, knowing what you have done to hurt them, with nothing to numb the guilt and pain.

*shrugs* just a thought

sunshinebluesky

i remember how hard it was for me why back when...to admit here or anywhere that he had a drinking problem. then,when i finally did, i made excuses for it. because i loved him, because i so wanted him to be the man i finished out my life with, because im old and tired of always finding mr right now-damn it!!!!

read,read and read some more. thats what i did,that helped me make my decision. and even when i made it,i spent a good deal of time wondering if i made the right one and mourning our loss.

now,im glad i did all that reading.im glad i came to this website.glad i can honestly say my decision was not hasty or impulsive. and so, it ended up being the right decision for me.

you can find the right one for you.