kennethhoff

Hi all and I hope everyone is as good as can be.
Today I had another great epihany breakthru, realizing and seeing my core issue in attachment from abandonment, as opposed to what I thought the issues were for me. This simply allows me to focus now on myself, instead of the other person to whom I was attached. Wonderful in the knowing, but painful as all get out in the experience. But look at it as awareness. And like I've been taught: awareness, acceptance, action!!!!

My question is on sponsership. I have seen a sponsor now for maybe a month and a half, maybe two months. He is a very nice person, but I feel very distant from him. He listens, but says very little. We meet at lunch, and afterwards, simply goodbye, but no real warmth. I know I can trust him, but the personal part seems to be missing. I don't think i would ever really feel comfortable calling him outside our lunches as it seems more of a intrusion. I know that's my thoughts though. he has been in Alanon for 7to 8 years.
I have not been feeling good about this part. So in another meeting, I asked someone else who is very nice, more personable, more of a leader in the meetings, knowledgeable, but not as many years in Alanon as my current sponsor, but I am thinking of switching. I gravitate to people who are more open and warm.
I am not sure what to do. My problem through my alcohilic parent was abandonment and attachment. With my currrent sponsor, there is no chance of that since he seems distant to me, but maybe that is good. The one I like who's more personable has less time in (one and a half years), but seems easier to talk to. I am not sure what to do and I was just wondering about others thoughts. In the end, I'll make my own decsion, but sometimes it IS nice to get others opinions. Anyway, thanks again!

Ken

GettingFree

Hi Ken,

I don't have any advice on your sponsor as I've never had one and only attended ACOA for a short period.

But I did want to just want to show some support for your breakthrough. These are my issues as well -- abandonment and attachment and all the self-destructive branches those have taken me to -- and yes, awareness is both liberating and painful at the same time.

best,
gf

TheGirlInside

Hey, Ken,

I always enjoy reading your thought-provoking posts (and, having been in ACOA for over a year, sometimes a bit jealous). Anyway, this is one of the hardest things for me, too. I do tend to _want_ to be with warm, open people, but tend to _end up_ choosing people who seem emotionally distant (thus, those people who end up "abandoning" me in a different way, by not being there for me emotionally in the first place). The warm, loving people I claim to want kind of scare me off, like they're just too compassionate, loving, or intense.

And, I sort of have 3-4 sponsors, only one who is "official." I feel close to three people in AA (two of them men, one warm and loving and a little "too much" at times, and the other rather intellectual and cerebral...a bit "too little" in the compassion department sometimes). And, there is one woman in ACOA who I feel close to.

The nice thing for me is that I can sort of break up my 5th Step and other steps and do a little with this one, and some with that one, on the topics I feel comfortable with. There was one particular item that, because of the proximity, I couldn't tell my official sponsor, so instead chose to discuss with my unofficial woman friend. It worked out very well for me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you don't necessarily have to rely on only one person for advice and guidance in AA...my name ain't Goldilocks, and there ain't no bowl of porridge that's "just right."

Have as many official and unofficial sponsors as you feel comfortable with. Share what you can, what you want, with whom you want. Trust is huge, but so is compassion.

Kari

There's no such thing as "The End."

DesertEyes

The purpose of a sponsor is to have _at least_ one person in your recovery who has recently overcome the challenges that you are currently wrestling with. In this manner the sponsor can speak from experience as to what resources of the program were helpful and which were not. A sponsor is someone who can say "I did that and this is how it worked for me" and "I used to feel that way, and it was because I have a shortcoming in .... ". If you can get _more_ than that from a sponsor that's a fringe benefit.

If a particular person is not working out as a sponsor for me there is really only two reasons. Either I am not sharing with enough honesty, or they simply don't have a history that is close enough to mine to be useful. Either way I find that sharing with my sponsor that I am feeling uncomfortable in the relationship is important for _my_ growth and _my_ recovery.

As others have pointed out, the more people with whom I can share and open up the better. I have one official sponsor, who is also a wonderful friend. I have about a half dozen people that I share with at a very deep level, any of which could also be my sponsor. Over the years I've had several official sponsors and lots of good friends who helped me along the way.

Mike

kennethhoff

Thank you all for your thoughts.

GF - Thank you for as always, your continued wishes.

Kari - This all comes from amnay years of therapy and very deep introspection. I truly belive that only at the end of last year, and what shall be all this year, a higher power has been allowing me only now to understand what has been bothering me all my life. It's quite haunting. Nvere understanding why, but going through the same experiences over and over and over. I often ask myself, why now? and all I can think of is that now I was finally ready to understand. Maybe this year will be the year of recovery. This is what i have devoted my year to. May take a little longer than that of course

Mike - My current sponser has gone thru it I believe and recoverd so he says. But his warmness is not there. he travels frequently so we don't meet regularly and there is nothing in my power to do about that. This is his job requirements. I guess I am just not sure Mike. Maybe I won't be until I try someone else. I want to do what is going to be best for my recovery, yet I would like a friend to talk with. I don't want someone to advise me all the time and tell me what to do, I know it is I who need to figure things out. Maybe I just miss the personal connection from a sponsor.

Ken

utopia

i have a step sponsor that im doing ia n inventory with, a general, how are you sponsor and several recovery "allies" if you will whom im friends with but also share step work with, where we a re a t etc.

im as sick as my secrets and am honest as i can be, ive gotten enough self-esteem and confidence in alanon to say )this isnt working(. sponsoship for me also gives me an example of what unconditional love is and what healthy relationships are like. if cant be honest with my sponsor i know for me that means i cant be honest with others. on the other hand my sponsor needs to someone i fell comfy with, that i trust them and that we are open and communicative and that its ok to change, to make mistakes in picking one, to change my mind. a lot of those things for me come up in all relationships, its just that in recovery theres more of a cushioning when things dont work out. theres none of the abuse or fear or taking things so personally and getting all snooty. if there is i know that i would think well thats your choice to be snooty about it, thank god they are not the program and that theres moe sponsor fishes in the alanon sea.