Biko

I have not yet accepted that I cannot control another person’s drinking or behavior. I find it hard to accept these things because I feel as if I have caused them in some way. For example I could have been a little nicer, lesser irritated or annoyed, stronger, more giving, accepting, helpful. Often times I get really angry when I cannot control his drinking or behavior. I do not like losing the control of a situation when drinking is involved. When I do not have the control we could end up somewhere really bad a nightmare. I know that when I do try to control the situation it still ends up somewhere bad if not worse. At first when I try to control his drinking I feel in power not afraid and within moments he gets this look on his face and his tone of voice changes and he knows that I am trying to control his drinking. Once he realizes that I want to take control I am on the other side and he runs. He runs to his mother because she supports his addiction and feeds his addiction. She does not like me nor do I like her.
Sometimes I feel like I can control others behaviors because I do it all day long with students. I show them acceptable behaviors in the classroom and there are consequences for non-acceptable behavior. My boyfriend has no limits because I have not set them. He walks all over me. He knows that there are no consequences for his behavior because I have always taken him back and I mean every time. There is neither an unacceptable behavior nor consequences and therefore he walks all over me. I need to establish acceptable and non-acceptable behaviors for him. I need to communicate why I cannot accept or be around or in love with someone who behave so irrational.
Jay is an amazing person. He has wonderful qualities that are unique and dreamlike. No man that I have met in my life has these qualities. He is not wonderful or amazing when he is drunk. He is horrible, scary and mean. He has called me every name in the book and has even punched and pushed me to the ground. He is crazy and insane and not rational when he is drinking. So why do I stay you might ask, because when he is not drinking he is compassionate, caring, insightful, aware, knowledgeable, passionate, open, and funny. There are so many more qualities that attracted me to him but for the most part he is ideal. He swept me off of my feet, he took my heart that had been hurting for so long and made it feel whole again. I had been in love with him since I was fourteen and bumped in to him at a bar one night. He was gorgeous, intelligent and romantic yet a little mysterious. He warned me of all of his problems. I specifically remember him telling me outside of his mother’s crack house that he was an alcoholic and drug addict and to leave if I wasn’t strong enough. I thought to myself I am strong enough, I had my heart broken and mangled before. I had never known or been around anyone with any of these problems of addiction. I had only seen these people on movies. Movies like When a Man Loves a Woman and 28 days. I thought this would be easy, no big deal.
As I write this I keep looking at my phone because I still am attempting to control his drinking and irrational behaviors. I can’t stop.
He reacts to daily miss happenings by drinking or focusing on his psychological problems. He shuts down, turns off and is quiet and distant. I deal with my problems completely different I want the one I have a problem with to know right away, get out our emotions and make up. He still hasn’t called me. I attempted to call him but his mother said he didn’t want to talk to me. He is high and drunk. So why do I want to talk to him so desperately? I need some help. I have been with him for 1 ½ years but I still feel like an amateur. I have no one to talk to because I have isolated all my friends and family. I need support. Sorry it is so long.

equus

Hey there - Welcome to SR!! No-one deserves the kind of treatment you describe and being drunk doesn't excuse it, especially the violence.

The best help I could offer is to suggest giving one of the omestic violence helplines a ring - they're at the top of this forum. You'll have chance to go through it all with someone that stands a much better chance of giving you good advice than I could.

Be careful - alcohol removes inhibitions and often what you see is there just inhibited sober. Not all drunks hit, not by a LONG way.

cinderellawkids

Take it from me, You cannot control them. Any attempt and sucess is only temporary and will increase your anxiety. Jay sounds like my husband, the good and bad in so many ways. I gave up control along time ago but I recognize I too ahve triggers. For example he and his sister went out for Mexican and Margaritas. I knew I f I went Id try to control the two of them. The two of them drinking are way to much for me, and even after years of knowing this for a second I still thought- Hey if I go and drink he will not drink. Well thats true he does not drink if Im drinking because he no longer has me to take care of things, but why would I want to do that to myself? I did not go, the inevitabel taht they swore would never happen happened. But I remained calm and at peace because I did not gfet involved, or even react when he came in at 3 a.m. I listened, said good night and went to bed. You have to learn to let Go.
Have you gone to live alanon meetings? They can be great. Im sure others will ahve great advice

LaTeeDa

First of all, this is a grown man we are talking about, right? That's a little different than a student in a classroom, don't you think?

Second, just because you define unacceptable behaviors and consequences, doesn't mean you can control someone. They can still choose to do whatever and get the consequences, can't they?

Establishing acceptable and unacceptable is something you do for yourself in an adult relationship. These are your boundaries. Other adults are free to tromp all over your boundaries, you cannot control that. But you can remove yourself from them if that is what they choose to do. You cannot make choices for him, you can only make choices for yourself.

L

Cynay

Welcome to SR... We are glad you found us. Yep you do need support and dont worry about your post being long... Im sorry you are in the situation you find yourself and there is one thing I want to point out to you.

He told you the truth.... being able to "handle" it has nothing to do with strength ... Why do you think you can change him. He told you what he is, he told you he was not willing to change and if you could not accept it.. dont get involved. You need to listen when they tell you the truth.... He just hooked you by making it a challenge....

Now ... take what you want and leave the rest, we really only have your welfare at heart.


He has called me every name in the book and has even punched and pushed me to the ground. He is crazy and insane and not rational when he is drinking.

This has nothing to do with his disease.... this is abuse. NO excuse.


He swept me off of my feet, he took my heart that had been hurting for so long and made it feel whole again.

Another problem that jumped out at me... YOU are responsible to make your heart whole.....In walking into a relationship looking for someone to make you whole .. what you are really doing is looking for someone to "fix" you.... That is your job not his.

In al-anon there is a saying, You did not CAUSE the disease, you can not CONTROL the disease and you can not CURE the disease..... Can I ask a personal question... how old are you?

I ask this cuz you sound alot like me when I was in my early to late 20s.....I was a real control freak, I would tell myself I could fix anything if I focused on it.... it took me 40 years to learn deep down that I have NO control over anything/anybody but me... to REALLY learn that one... My recovery started with Theraphy .... to discover WHY I thought I was not worth more then that... currently I attend Al-anon to keep myself in check and my life in balance... I would suggest either.

I look forward to getting to know you... stick around.. there are many many wonderful people to give your their experiences....

GettingFree

Hi Biko,

You're talking about one of the classic symptoms of both codependency and adult children of alcoholic or dysfunctional families. This is the tendency to assume responsibility for abusive or inappropriate treatment -- to believe we brought on the treatment by some oversight or misdeed on our part -- and it's learned as children. We were often made to feel by those we loved that we were wrong, bad, misbehaving, etc. and told over and over our misbehavior is why people got angry with us or punished us. And often we were doing nothing else but behaving exactly as children should.

You are not responsible in any way for abusive or disrespectful treatment. To feel that you could have avoided it by being nicer, less irritated, etc is an old script. It is not true. But I do believe you feel that way. I used to too.

It seems you recognize that you need some help. That despite all you know and sense, you recognize you can't stop or help yourself. A lot of us have been exactly there. It's a lot more common than you probably think.

I'd urge you to seek counselling or therapy. Things are likely to get worse, not better. Addiction escalates if the addict is not in recovery or does not acknowledge a problem. And keep posting.

gf