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need your advice please

Old 05-20-2006, 10:09 PM
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Unhappy need your advice please

Hi Im new here so I will start from the beginning. I met Richard in Feb of 2003he started working where I worked. I was instantly attracted to him, we started dating and by April of 2003 he moved in with me and my two children. It wasn't until then that I noticed there was something wrong. He would cry and tell me I had no sympathy for him or felt sorry for him, and my thing was I love you so much, I gave him a car and a nice home to live in, I couldn't understand why he wanted me to feel sorry for him, needless to say things worsened until one day he told me he was a heroin addict. I was in shock, I had never known or been around anyone that was on heroin, nor am I very educated in drugs except for the experimenting with pot when I was a teenager all of this is forgein to me. So He went into rehab and was there 3 days and left, I went and hunted him down, he went back spoke with the rehab again said if he went to a few meetings they would let him back so I once again paid 300.00 for him to be kicked out 2 weeks into the program for cutting each others hair at least thats what he said. I will try to make this short. So I had him come back home, he seemed to be ok so I thought during the end of 2003 I had all kinds of things missing and he forged some checks on my bank account. I had to kick him out. I was devestated I was hurt more than I'd ever felt. He moved to another county but continued to call me telling me he was clean etc. etc.. got another girlfriend but would constantly call me, he was arressted in 2004 and recently released march of 2006. Throughout all of this, once he was clean in jail and in programs he would call sometimes I'd accept his calls sometimes not I was still very angry and hurt. I would write on occassions. Well it all comes down to this today I went to see Richard he is at a rehab in san jose, has been there for 39 days and has 6 days left, he is trying to get into a halfway house but because of something on his record that happened in 1993 it may be very difficult. Today I met a man that I knew was always there, he is a warm and kind man, has been hurt by his family and abandoned seen his brother commit suicide hes been through it, but today we talked about everything, I have forgiven him, I forgave him before today but I had to have counseling myself. I guess I just want some advice, he says he loves me and has never stopped, one of his ex cellies was in the program and he introduced us, he told me that he has heard so many good things about me that Im all richard ever spoke about he said I not only told him I loved him but was the first to actually show him without wanting something from him, but all I wanted was him to love me. He is not asking for us to get back together just yet, he wants to take it slow because he says hes really vulnerable and something bad might trigger him to use, he says he doesn't want to hurt anybody anymore. I need to know what I need to do. I told him I never expected to feel the same way I did back then as I do now all those feelings came back they never left. I am scared and so is he, I know deep down that I just need to let him do this on his own, I cannot be co-dependent and try to help him. So maybe I answered my own question? Im just really confused I believe he loves me but he has to be selfish right now and think of himself, this is what they are telling him. I could really use some advice.
thank you
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Old 05-20-2006, 10:34 PM
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Hello lostinlove, I am a recovering addict, but have also been in relationships with other addicts. After I went into detox and treatment my relationship with my boyfriend fell apart because he was in denial about his own addiction problem and was not willing to get help.

I understand how you must be feeling. I can see this from both yours and his perspective.

On the positive, it was good that he was honest with you and told you about his addiction. It was also good that he sought help for his addiction even though he slipped up a couple times (very common) when first getting clean.

The thing about addicts is that there is never any quarantees as to when or if we will relapse. All we can do is continue to go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work our program to the best of our ability.

I know for myself and many addicts it is crucial to concentrate on ourselves in the beginning, just staying clean is a challenge. Our emotions were numbed for so long we had to learn to feel. It is highly recommended that we don't get into a relationship the first year of recovery.

Unfortunately for you, your heart is already involved, and it sounds like his is too. Just so you know, he is extremely vulnerable, fearful, and needs time to work through his emotions at this time.

So ask yourself some questions. Are you willing to be patient while he gets the needed clean time? Are you willing to risk another possible relapse in his early recovery?

I would recommend that you be there for him as a friend at this time. Not only does he need the help and support of someone who loves and cares for him, but it may help him to stay clean.

I would recommend also that you try to stay detached a bit, and view it as helping a friend. You might want to also post this in naranon if you haven't already.

In my situation, my exboyfriend never got the help he needed, and I let him go to pursue my own recovery. That was almost 2 years ago, and I have not been in a relationship since. Relationships are the most challenging for us addicts. Although we want one desperately, we are so highly sensitive to hurt, and have old fears that we need to work through.

I wish you all the best, but please make an educated decision, one using your head as well as your heart.

Diana
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Old 05-20-2006, 11:18 PM
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Oh...my big red flag is going up. I want to say something supportive and comforting. However, the only thing that comes to mind is run. Run and don't ever look back.
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Old 05-21-2006, 09:25 AM
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How old are your children?
Are they seeing this toxic situation?

Oh well...my advice ? ....next time get to know the man lomger
before you move him in
and
stop all contact with this guy.
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Old 05-21-2006, 11:42 AM
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ASH
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Hi Lost,
1. Re read your post and pretend you did not write it.
What would you tell this stranger to do?
2. Pretend you are a mother and your daughter just wrote you this letter.
What would you tell her to do?

In the end you must decide what is best for your childern and yourself
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Old 05-21-2006, 12:39 PM
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If he really loves you, he will understand if you tell him that you cannot be with him until his recovery is a little less trigger happy.
I am not sure that this is the best situation for you. I would take the advice of the post from Ash.
best to you and yours
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Old 05-21-2006, 02:46 PM
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Lostinlove,

I would like to second that, and say to follow ASH's advice. These are good questions to ask yourself.

ChrisMan
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Old 05-22-2006, 12:57 PM
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You stated that you have NO background on dealing with addicts. Let me help you. It would be safe to say that he has destroyed all trust in him, correct? So,...you should atleast know by now that you can not ever trust the word of an active addict, and must be very wary of the word of an addict in early recovery. He has lied to you many times in the past to get you to believe that he is clean or getting clean or serious about getting clean. Ive done that, and every other addict on this site at one point has done that. Its par for the course. He needs to prove to you that he means it and the ONLY way to do that is for him to rack up MAJOR clean time. You must do yourself AND him a favor and NOT see him during this time frame. Hes got to prove that getting you back isnt his reason for getting clean. It MUST be for himself. Doing it for any other reason will send him back out once he obtains what he was after.
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