Jezabel Starfox

I am not the first or the last to admit to sobriety not lasting more than a couple of months. I am not the first or the last to admit to defeat. I am not the first or the last to admit to disappointment and distrust of self.

The problems that plague my existence will not get solved while high or drunk. The problems that plague my existence will be amplified when sober. The solutions are more complicated than I had hoped they would be. I am not sure I am prepared to do anything at this moment. However I am feeling the reluctance I had to NA or AA in the past now seems to be softening to a willingness to give it a try.

Last month I found myself struggling with wanting to smoke. I would come home; the house would stink of weed because my spouse would continue to smoke, alone or with friends. I would get a contact high or a headache or both. I was unsuccessful in negotiating for the removal of the substance from the home. I felt I had to put up with it and the air made me feel worse than just smoking it. And I felt so alone from my spouse because he was trying to puff and I would be in another room, away from him most evenings and weekends.

So I took a hit here and there to get past the headaches and heartaches. Then one hit became two which became three, and then I was drinking more beer and wine along with smoking a whole bowl to myself. Last week I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself in one evening. Then I found myself this morning combing the house for something to smoke and getting mad at my spouse for hiding the stuff. Then I realized I really have a problem with more than just weed, the alcohol is there too, especially when I smoke.

I didn’t smoke or drink for a time that seemed rewarding and cursed at the same time. I felt less anxious, less depressed, I started to lose weight, and I began to be firm in my boundaries. The more I stepped away from using, the more I began to recognize the contrast between my view of life while sober and my view of life while high. The more I went to my counselor, the more I realized how unhealthy my relationship is on its current path. The more I tried to communicate my relationship concerns to my spouse, the more I realized that I alone could not fix the troubles in our marriage. The more I held my boundaries, the more it threw my spouse into a state of conflict. The more I tried to fix what is broken inside of me, the more I learned I could lose everything I have just to become a better person. I do not want to disrupt the entire family just because I want to be sober and I find myself unsure of my ability to stay sober without disrupting the entire family.

Anna

Well Starfox, it is true that becoming sober can be the beginning of many changes in our life. Many of the changes are excellent, but sometimes some of the changes are not what we expected. For me, I was shaken to the core and shocked to realize that beliefs I had held about myself, were untrue.

It does not have to follow that you will disrupt your family in order to stay sober. However, it might possibly be true. It is very difficult to manoeuer through early sobriety when your partner does not want to be involved, but that doesn't mean you have to give up your family. Try to have patience and allow yourself to change without having expectations of others around you. Take some time before you make any big decisions.

chip

Starfox-
Sobriety isn't easy for people like me, and possibly you. You've got to really want it, because it can be uncomfortable. I found that in my life, my decision to become sober has caused major upheaval.

I've never been comfortable in my own skin. When I became sober, all my faults seemed so clear. My emotions felt more raw. It's tough to point a mirror at my life, and view myself for who I really am. I'm not the person I thought I was. As the fog clears, I marvel at the person I've become. Sometimes I just want to escape from myself. I think that's why I liked to smoke grass and drink. I just needed to get away from me.

Here's the inevitable AA plug in my message to you: I'm learning to escape myself with the tools I'm learning in AA. I am serious about sobriety. I would do anything to be sober, and I'm willing to change my life if need be. My HP has taken away my addiction, and given me new direction and hope. I escape myself by surrendering myself.

I don't know if this makes any sense. It seems to be working for me day by day. Its tough to get sober. At the very least, AA is a room full of people who are in the same boat. There is strength in numbers, and I feel less isolated and lonley when I'm at AA meetings. It's like we are all surviviors of a great catastrophe...reveling in the comradarie which comes from sharing a common horrific experience, and overcoming it.

Now I'm going to say something which you might not like to hear.... The fear of disrupting your family by getting sober could just be an excuse not to really try. If you arn't ready to really commit, it'll be easy to find a reason not to do it.

My spouse still smokes weed on a daily basis. We've come to an agreement that she will smoke it outside. Perhaps you could find a similar compromise with your spouse? I feel so bad for you having to breathe it in. That's gotta be really rough. I've had that happen and it is HORRIBLE. I can really relate to the headache. I totally understand how this is worse than actually smoking it. Weed is a tricky substance to quit. I believe it is a miracle that I was able to quit pot, especially granted the fact my spouse is a daily "chronic". Back to the AA plug....having friends who understand and I can talk to about these sort of things helps me out quite a bit.

I hope you will find real peace and happiness. I hope you will find contented sobriety. A sobriety where you feel happy about your life. I don't want to be the big "AA thumper" here, but I will say it's helped me string together the longest stint of sobriety I've had in my adult life.
peace,
chip

Jezabel Starfox

It could be an excuse. It could be I am trying to tackle too many big issues at once all by myself. It could be I had too many expectations of others but also of myself. Perhaps I lack the patience to sit with the discomfort I felt after recognizing issues in my life. Perhaps I was over confident and it got the best of me.

Anna

One thing I know for sure is that recovery is all about growth and change and being patient. And, things may not always grow and change in the direction that you expected or wanted. That is not necessarily good or bad, it just is.

Jezabel Starfox

My counselor touched on this as I had to sit with the fear that what I want is not necessarily what would happen and I still struggle to come to terms with it. I want to be sober and I want my spouse to relate to me on a healthier level. I got sober and recognized how much unhealthy behavior I tolerated while high. I feel unable to cope with my spouse's discomfort with the changes I was trying to make in my own life. I feel unable to cope to with being isolated in our marriage because I no longer participated in the same behavior. I feel saddened that I let things go so long without being addressed and I feel frustrated that my spouse is happy with things just staying the same as always.

Thank you very much for listening to my ramblings and offering advice. Its given me more to think about.