prodigal

... that we can offer our opinions, but I think we all know there are times that no matter what we say, it will not sink in. I guess that's what it is really all about. Just letting it go, and getting on with our own issues. I doubt we will ever hear another word from an individual who posted yesterday. It's so sad ... but I guess all of us learn from or own experiences and do what we want to do when we want to do it regardless of how many well-meaning folks try to snap us out of it.

I think it's like trying to walk. Some babies start grabbing onto furniture and pulling themselves up at a very young age. Others seem as if they'll never be toddlers. A parent will get exasperated to see that her child seems to be lagging behind the other children and exclaim, "What is WRONG with my kid?" Jeesh! It seems as if we get exposed to this type of control junk from a very young age. No wonder we end up in some of our messes!

My mother was aggravated beyond belief that I wouldn't dive off the diving board when I was 8. To this day, I won't dive off a diving board. I'll swim, do cannonballs off the side of the pool, but I refuse to dive.

My AH is having some sort of tantrum right now. I think I'll go enjoy my dinner, watch some t.v., do a little reading for my law course, then crash. Yeah, his reactions and behavior to a subject I brought up are way out of line, but so was my mom's reaction to my refusing to jump off a diving board. In the end, it's their problem. Yes, they try so very, very hard to make us think it's OUR problem, but that's why I mentioned that I don't think we'll hear from someone again who posted here recently.

Man, life is about one big "wake up and smell the coffee" experience, ain't it?

FormerDoormat

I just finished reading the thread you mentioned. My first reaction was the same. I don't think we'll hear from BFneedsHelp again.

The saddest part is that "GirlfriendNeedsHelp" very badly. She's in deep denial. At 22 years old, she thinks she knows everything. At 46 years old, I know that there's lots that I don't know. And I know that it's wise to listen to advice offered from folks who've walked the same path before. They KNOW what they are talking about.

At 22 years old, she thinks she knows what she's getting into when she chooses an active alcoholic as her partner. At 46 years old, I know what she's getting into--a black hole that only a few lucky alcoholics and codies manage to crawl out of.

At 22 years old, she ignores advice to learn all she can about alcoholism so she can make an informed decision. At 22 years old, she ignores suggestions to seek counseling or support through a 12-step program. At 22 years old, she claims she "knows what she's getting into." At 46 years old, I can say confidently that she does not.

I see an opportunity for a 22-year-old girl to learn from the mistakes of countless others and to save herself from a life of pain. Out of 46 years, I've spent 24 years suffering from the effects of my partner's alcohlism.

I see a 46-year-old woman who ignored advice from wise folks who had followed the same path because she thought she knew more. I see a 46-year-old woman who wasted 24 years because she refused to see she had a problem.

I see a 22-year-old woman who's only wasted a few months of her life. I see a 22-year-old woman who has an opportunity to get healthy, find a healthy partner, grow old with him, and have a live filled with love, happiness, peace, and serenity.

I hope, for once in her young life, that she can see the truth and save herself years of heartache.

LaTeeDa

You know, I've posted my hearfelt thoughts and feelings to a lot of people on this board. Most haven't returned after their initial thread or maybe a couple. There are a few who do come back, and are still here growing and learning. I don't take credit for that any more than I take exception to those who aren't ready to hear it. We all learn our lessons in our own time. If I could prevent anyone from going through the things I've gone through, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can't. I can only share my experience in hopes that someone will find some kind of peace or strength, or even just know they are not alone. That's enough for me.

L

DesertEyes

It's called step 12, and it's not about getting _them_ sane and serene, it's about _me_. When I reach out and share I am helping _me_ stay sane and serene, not them. As long as I am trying to get _them_ to understand it is _I_ who is denial.

Mike

prodigal

You guys are great! I spent a lot of time spinning my wheels here and whining about my situation. So many were patient. But there comes a time when we have to realize that we're posting here to maintain our OWN sanity and help others remain sane.

After over two years here, I've seen them come and go as well. Boy, it took me this long to see what this place is all about. I thank God, my Higher Power, for finally breaking through my denial.

Some who are gone from this board are living healthy lives, of that I'm sure. A lot of others are still in the rut of insanity with an addict. Just taking steps out of this is a boost for me. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out how to quit beating up on myself for making such a TERRIBLE choice when I KNEW on some level it what a TERRIBLE choice!!!

reader

I know FD I wanted to reach out and shake her!! Say run for the hills. Some people just have to learn the hard way. I wouldn't wish an alcoholic partner on anyone. I just hope she will wake up before she marrys him and brings kids into the mix. Can't say we didn't warn her at least. I will say a prayer for her to at least think about the advice given!!!!!

ICU

Well said!

When I was 'going through it all', I too thought I knew better than anyone else, for I was directly involved and they weren't!

I remember when the police were involved, they tried to tell me as best they could. NOPE! THEY WERE ALL WRONG! I KNEW WHAT WAS BEST!! MAJOR DUH on my part!!!!

Today, I'm very embarrased as I remember them shaking their heads in defeat! They tried to tell me, I would not listen.

HOWEVER, I didn't forget a word or message that they tried to convey. See, even if I didn't take appropriate action at that time, they still did something very important for me. THEY PLANTED THE SEED IN MY MIND!!!!! And, it grew, and eventually took hold, but not until I WAS READY!

Sometimes, all we can do is plant the seed, and let people here know that no matter what they decide, and when they decide it, they are welcome to share their views, vent their stories, and give them encouragement as hopefully the 'seed' of knowledge grows and is nutured within them.

One day soon, I plan on thanking those that cared enough to plant the seed within my mind. It's important because I want to let them know that although I didn't act right away, I did act, when ready. I don't ever want them to not 'try' to get through to others that are now like I was back then.

megamysterioso

Funny you should mention that P. I've been checking that thread regularly to see if she's checked in. She probably did and logged off to never return again. Maybe not though...

I cannot tell you how many times my own parents have given me STELLAR advice and I didn't listen. Of course, I chose to take the hard way of learning! We all learn in our own ways and at different times. For some, ignorance is truly bliss. When I first came here and explained my story, someone asked me why I was defending my AH. I remember seeing that and thinking, "huh? where did I defend him? I don't think I'm defending him!" That is UNTIL I went back to read my previous posts. That gave me plenty to ponder over. And I did ponder it...

That's why I'm still here and moving on my dears!!!! Thanks to you all and I know it's a process and as you put it:

Pick-a-name

Prodigal: I was just thinking pretty-much the same thing. A part of me is really annoyed that I am only just now starting to really get this.....to let things go when I know that it is a waste of MY energy,etc. The "what if" thoughts, the self-anger and being blind,etc.etc......keep trying to take over and so far I remind myself that my HP is in charge and I am right where He wants me to be in HIS timing. So.........that must be the way He wanted it,because the information has been here. I suppose that is how it is with the addicts in our lives, and why I am a bit less angry (but not less sad) that I can't make him see certain things. In reality, some of what AH said about me and my behavior was true,also. (Ugh........I HATE that! )

Here is the good part......we kept coming back. I didn't like what I was being told,but I knew that what I was doing was not working. Sometimes I skip posts that are too uncomfortable,or read through them and "store them away" and then they pop-up for me to ponder. I think that is part of the way my HP works..gently and quietly. I do remember hearing...."what are you doing for you", "you can't do anything for him",etc.......I felted ticked-off and annoyed about it. The LAST thing I wanted to do was concentrate on me and what I wanted and pampering me,etc.............because I thought it was more self-absorbed people (like AH and his cronies) telling me to forget everyone else and do what I wanted,how and when I wanted to just like my AH is.........ARE YOU CRAZY?? You want me to be a self-absorbed,too? Then who was going to take care of the kids,etc......why would having TWO selfish parents help our family?! haha

What I didn't see was it is all about balance.

Anyhow....I guess that ANY of us stuck around to learn more is what is remarkable. I am glad you all were and continue to be here. Seems I am a slow learner, but at least I am still plugging away....and no matter how frustrating, I'm still better than I was and so much better than if I had never tried at all. (Same with the people who come and go;some probably will come back when they are ready).

Denial really is so much apart of this illness.....for all of us. Takes awhile to unpeel that onion, and I am sure I have probably just gotten started on mine!

Sorry to be even longer-winded than usual!

cinderellawkids

At 27, I thought I knew what I was getting into, 3 years later, I now know I ahd no clue, and I still have no clue what Im involved in. I think that s just the way things are. Everyone told me to run, I refused, now Ive got to rescue myself or Ill drown. I think everyone has to get to that place on their own.

minnie

I had to find out on my own. However, if no-one had shown me there was a different way to live, I would be married to an alcoholic emotional abuser by now.

I still remember things that people said to me a long time ago on here before I was ready to ready hear and I sometimes still get a "That's what they meant" moment. What we share is never wasted and even if it doesn't help this particular poster right now, we may just have planted a seed. And I bet my car that the thread helped either guests or other members.

A less that positive reaction doesn't stop me from sharing how it was for me.

Pick-a-name

True,indeed! This thread has helped ME!

GettingBy

I remember my first Al-anon meeting. My reaction was very similiar. I was annoyed with all the information I was getting. Nobody would give the answers I was looking for. I thought it was because they just didn't understand how "unique" my situation was (LOL!). The wierd thing was they ALL finished their shares with, "Keep coming back!" That was probably the one piece of advice that I was willing to listen to at that point... only b/c I was so curious as to how these people, whose lives had been shredded by alcoholism, could be so damn happy. My simple curiosity kept me going back, time and time again... plus I really wanted to figure out that whole "It works if you work it, so work it, you're worth it!" thing!

It really does work, and I'm so glad I kept going back... no matter how pissed off they made me!

Dalloway

I think people come here for different reasons and use the board in different ways. Maybe she will come back. Maybe she is digesting. Hopefully she was here for her last stand at denial and is looking into the mirror right now at this very moment. It feels a little weird talking about someone in a post like this.

I hope this isn't highjacking, but yesterday I had a major crapola day and I posted and I felt, well, like by some of the replies. Of course not totally and *everyone* was very careful to be kind, and even the replies that felt like were helpful. But it always hurts to be counted with the unenlighted.

I think it is really important to remember that everyone has their own time and thinking pattern and has to "own" these ideas for themselves before they make a difference, and it's scary as hell to be the newbie, or like me yesterday, the backslider. It's scary as hell to post the things that we probably know are unhealthy but we need help getting through them.

I very much appreciate this place and all of you but the feeling that some are popping in from their real lives in nirvana is a bit unnerving, even though I need to hear from these people and I feel happy that this work can bring about such changes for me. I guess I'm just saying that we all have to be a little careful about the atmosphere of the board.

minnie

Ain't nirvana round my way. It's just not hell anymore.

equus

I've heard it said that trying to see another's point of view before seeking them to see mine works well. I've found it to be true.

Sometimes when I go against all advice I'm right, sometimes not but hey that's life!!

I hope no-one goes away feeling silly, largely because it may be longer before they ask for help a second time.

LaTeeDa

Whenever I have (in hindsight) come off as harsh or overly critical, it is usually (hindsight, again) because something in a post has triggered something in me that I am uncomfortable with. In other words, something about me that I don't particularly like. Or maybe something that is really giving me trouble at the time. So, when I perceive that I am being judged or criticized, it's usually the same thing. Something that hits a little too close to home. If not, then I can allow that maybe someone else is feeling the same way and posting from their own hurt.

On the flip side, if people always responded with something like "there, there, you poor thing," it might make me feel better momentarily, but wouldn't really be very helpful to me in sorting things out.

Take what you like and leave the rest................

pmaslan

I don't know Dalloway but I didn't see anything unkind or insensitive
from the responses you received in your other post.
I personally come here for straight up, honest opinion and thoughts.
I am a no nonsense direct kind of woman so that appeals to me.
I've said it before and I will say it again
"All sugar coatin' ever got me, was a trip to the dentist....."

Dalloway

Yea, could you imagine if the whole purpose of this board were to pat everyone on the head with the There, There thing....? That would be seriously disturbing: "Oh La I'm so sorry you have an A in your life. Me too. Let's get some cheesecake"

Seriously, I totally agree that what sparks the feelings of discomfort is the too close to home thing. I will have to remember that those feelings are always a clue to examine what they are triggering.

Back to the idea of people not coming back, let me go with that seed metaphor for a minute. I have a friend who is a master gardener. She's the queen of flowers and always growing new things and expanding her huge cottage garden and has already put major resources into buying things and building things and moving stuff around....you get the idea. Well when she comes over to my yard, I want her to be straight with me and tell me that my soil sucks or whatever, but it's a lot easier to take if she notices the one plant that's doing well. Do I need it? No. But if I've had a lot of problems in my garden that I haven't dealt with for a long time, say the weeds are taking over and I planted an invasive species...., then the task of fixing it seems pretty overwhelming, and because she's been there I know that she understands how much work it will be and I really appreciate her words of encouragement.

LaTeeDa

Thanks for the laugh. Mmmm, cheesecake sounds good. LOL