New to Forum with Questions
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Columbia, SC
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New to Forum with Questions
I am a 39 year old man, married with a new baby. My father is an alcoholic. My mother confronted him when I was young, 12-13 or so, and he stopped drinking for about 10-12 years. When I was 25, I returned home from a year in France. I had a a layover at my hometown airport, and my parents met me there. Both ordered a glass of wine at the airport restaurant. I was completely unawares that my father had started drinking again and shocked into silence. The silence about the drinking has continued for the past 14-15 years, although in a lame attempt to communicate, feelings have been expressed to him by my brother and I through my mother - we vent to her, she occasionally relates these to him.
I have largely dealt with this by ignoring it. I now live 4-5 hours away, have a life, career, etc. I rarely speak with him (never on the phone), and visits are short, with coversations during those visits limited to traditionally confortable male topics: work, cars, home repairs, the weather, etc. Not necessarily healthy, but managable.
Here's the rub: now that I have a two month old son, my parents are moving to a small town about 40-45 minutes away. Both my wife and I are very uncomfortable with him being around. He was never violent, but childhood during the drinking years was not pleasant, and I'm learning that I suffer many of the ACOA symptoms. He's better than he was when I was young and he was drinking, but when drinking he's still extremely an demanding, self-centered, self-absorbed, high maintenance pain-in-the-butt. And I don't like how it affects my mother. He wasn't a horrible father and has provided me with a lot of the thoughts and skills that have helped me succeed in life. When he was dry, we were actually friends and had good times together.
I feel a need to communicate with him about this (confront him?), but I don't know where to start. The feeling I get when I think about talking to him about it is like a physical barrier - it's hard to explain. And it makes me feel weak and pathetic that I can't tell him how I feel. My motivation has increased with their imminent move and the birth of my son. I don't want this hanging over our heads when they come around. I don't pretend that I'll stop him from drinking or cure him or something, but I want it out in the open.
Other than sitting him down and starting talking (which as I said seems physically impossible and also liable for me to end up saying things I don't really mean), I don't know how to proceed.
I have largely dealt with this by ignoring it. I now live 4-5 hours away, have a life, career, etc. I rarely speak with him (never on the phone), and visits are short, with coversations during those visits limited to traditionally confortable male topics: work, cars, home repairs, the weather, etc. Not necessarily healthy, but managable.
Here's the rub: now that I have a two month old son, my parents are moving to a small town about 40-45 minutes away. Both my wife and I are very uncomfortable with him being around. He was never violent, but childhood during the drinking years was not pleasant, and I'm learning that I suffer many of the ACOA symptoms. He's better than he was when I was young and he was drinking, but when drinking he's still extremely an demanding, self-centered, self-absorbed, high maintenance pain-in-the-butt. And I don't like how it affects my mother. He wasn't a horrible father and has provided me with a lot of the thoughts and skills that have helped me succeed in life. When he was dry, we were actually friends and had good times together.
I feel a need to communicate with him about this (confront him?), but I don't know where to start. The feeling I get when I think about talking to him about it is like a physical barrier - it's hard to explain. And it makes me feel weak and pathetic that I can't tell him how I feel. My motivation has increased with their imminent move and the birth of my son. I don't want this hanging over our heads when they come around. I don't pretend that I'll stop him from drinking or cure him or something, but I want it out in the open.
Other than sitting him down and starting talking (which as I said seems physically impossible and also liable for me to end up saying things I don't really mean), I don't know how to proceed.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
A few thoughts and opinions...
Just like a good preacher would do...write it out.
Write out what you want to say and with it before you, you can increase here or lighten it up there.
My thoughts from what you posted...
A boundary I would make would be no baby sitting or over nights.
When you find the courage, I think a good place to start...
Remember dad back when you had stopped drinking?
Well, we had such a great relationship back then. I thank you and it sure would be nice if we could reach that point once again.
The hard part about talking with dad...Well right or wrong...he is still dad.
As you posted...you have a life of your own you are living.
Dad will continue as he will untill he is ready to stop.
You will need do what is needed to keep your household and life at peace. If it means telling dad that he is not welcome if he is drinking, well that is what you would need do. Your peace in your own home is something you can keep under control.
My mother did not see my first born till she was over a year old. I lived my life away from the drama and raised my daughter as best I knew how.
A sister and my wife's brother both have rules for their perspective houses...
No smoking or alcohol allowed. The rule goes for everyone. For those who don't like it, they can stay away but the invitation for them to come over sober and ciggarette free is always there.
Just like a good preacher would do...write it out.
Write out what you want to say and with it before you, you can increase here or lighten it up there.
My thoughts from what you posted...
A boundary I would make would be no baby sitting or over nights.
When you find the courage, I think a good place to start...
Remember dad back when you had stopped drinking?
Well, we had such a great relationship back then. I thank you and it sure would be nice if we could reach that point once again.
The hard part about talking with dad...Well right or wrong...he is still dad.
As you posted...you have a life of your own you are living.
Dad will continue as he will untill he is ready to stop.
You will need do what is needed to keep your household and life at peace. If it means telling dad that he is not welcome if he is drinking, well that is what you would need do. Your peace in your own home is something you can keep under control.
My mother did not see my first born till she was over a year old. I lived my life away from the drama and raised my daughter as best I knew how.
A sister and my wife's brother both have rules for their perspective houses...
No smoking or alcohol allowed. The rule goes for everyone. For those who don't like it, they can stay away but the invitation for them to come over sober and ciggarette free is always there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there Mr. Leo, and welcome to our forum.
My first suggestion is that you educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism. Best place to start is browsing the various threads in this forum, as well as the "Friends and family" and "Nar-anon" forum. I highly recommend real life meetings of al-anon as the folks there have a wealth of experience, knowledge and piles of literature.
My father was a very abusive drunk. I forbade him from every coming near my kids, and later grandkids. As long as his behavior remained hostile and aggresive I maintained my boundary. I never mentioned the drinking as it was his _behavior_ I objected to. Whether his drinking was the cause of his behaviour was obvious to me, but I allowed him the dignity to make that decision on his own.
Mike
My first suggestion is that you educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism. Best place to start is browsing the various threads in this forum, as well as the "Friends and family" and "Nar-anon" forum. I highly recommend real life meetings of al-anon as the folks there have a wealth of experience, knowledge and piles of literature.
My father was a very abusive drunk. I forbade him from every coming near my kids, and later grandkids. As long as his behavior remained hostile and aggresive I maintained my boundary. I never mentioned the drinking as it was his _behavior_ I objected to. Whether his drinking was the cause of his behaviour was obvious to me, but I allowed him the dignity to make that decision on his own.
Mike
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Originally Posted by mr.leo.sunshine
(which as I said seems physically impossible and also liable for me to end up saying things I don't really mean), I don't know how to proceed.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Just as his first step to recovery would have to be acceptance of what he's doing, your first step to recovery would, by necessity, be acceptance of who he is in his current situation. You don't have to like it. You don't have to enjoy it. You don't have to approve of it. But you must accept that this is the way he is, and that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Sometimes just repeating it to yourself whenever you find yourself being judgemental can reinforce that acceptance.
Once you can accept him for who he is and what he is, my guess is that that physical barrier will drop and you will be able to talk to him. The focus should not be on what HE does or does not do, but on YOU. What do YOU want for your family and what are YOU willing to do to achieve your goal?
Setting boundaries and defending them first means having to figure out what your boundaries are. For me, my boundaries are that I will not keep anyone's secrets anymore and that I will not tolerate listening to my dad berate other people when they are not there to defend themselves.
But I do not have children. I have been thinking a lot about how different it would be if I had children. I'm fairly certain, if I was to have children, that my boundaries would include that there would be no drinking around my children during any visitation by my parents - either at my house or at theirs. But that is how *I* would choose to handle it. Each situation is different.
First, learn to accept that there is nothing you can do for your father. Next accept that, aside from pointing your mother towards AlAnon, there is nothing you can do for her either. Once you accept that, poke around in your psyche for where your boundaries are - what is or is not acceptable to you. That may be total detachment, it may just be setting some hard limits.
I hope that you may find peace.
Once you can accept him for who he is and what he is, my guess is that that physical barrier will drop and you will be able to talk to him. The focus should not be on what HE does or does not do, but on YOU. What do YOU want for your family and what are YOU willing to do to achieve your goal?
Setting boundaries and defending them first means having to figure out what your boundaries are. For me, my boundaries are that I will not keep anyone's secrets anymore and that I will not tolerate listening to my dad berate other people when they are not there to defend themselves.
But I do not have children. I have been thinking a lot about how different it would be if I had children. I'm fairly certain, if I was to have children, that my boundaries would include that there would be no drinking around my children during any visitation by my parents - either at my house or at theirs. But that is how *I* would choose to handle it. Each situation is different.
First, learn to accept that there is nothing you can do for your father. Next accept that, aside from pointing your mother towards AlAnon, there is nothing you can do for her either. Once you accept that, poke around in your psyche for where your boundaries are - what is or is not acceptable to you. That may be total detachment, it may just be setting some hard limits.
I hope that you may find peace.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chapel hill, nc
Posts: 70
Hello Mr Sunshine,
I oculd be you. Not married with children, but what was my relationship with my father. That was of course before he died of alcoholism.
It doesn't go away. The disease that is. It has effected you and you are managing it. That is good. But what about your child. What will he do when your ACOA traits start effecting him? I only wish I had begun Alanon 30 years ago when I was in H.S. living under the same roof as my father. I know it would have changed my life.
Go to Alanon. As Mike said, learn about the disease. You can confront your dad, but as we all learn in alonon, you are POWERLESS over others and alcohol. You didn't cause it, you couldn't control it, and you can't change it. If you try Alanon, you will learn about the disease. You wiull learn about proper boundaries. You will learn how to heal yourself, and give your kid a life he/she may or may not otherwise have. Do it for your family, but mostly do it for yourself. Aren't you worth it?
Ken
I oculd be you. Not married with children, but what was my relationship with my father. That was of course before he died of alcoholism.
It doesn't go away. The disease that is. It has effected you and you are managing it. That is good. But what about your child. What will he do when your ACOA traits start effecting him? I only wish I had begun Alanon 30 years ago when I was in H.S. living under the same roof as my father. I know it would have changed my life.
Go to Alanon. As Mike said, learn about the disease. You can confront your dad, but as we all learn in alonon, you are POWERLESS over others and alcohol. You didn't cause it, you couldn't control it, and you can't change it. If you try Alanon, you will learn about the disease. You wiull learn about proper boundaries. You will learn how to heal yourself, and give your kid a life he/she may or may not otherwise have. Do it for your family, but mostly do it for yourself. Aren't you worth it?
Ken
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