Danabeeliever

I would like to relate a situation from back 10/05 and get input from other ACOA to help me decide how to proceed. I am confused and not wanting to hang on to bad feelings or act impulsively. I would very much appreciate some guidance into what would be an appropriate and "normal" response to what transpired.

I have had an online hiking forum for 6 yrs. Met alot of folks who shared a common interest and learned alot over that time period. We got together in real life as a large mixed company group each Autumn to hike, camp and fellowship. This past Autumn was the first time it went very wrong.

We tried to always make this group function open to all comers regardless of their ability level. Didn't matter who you were or how slow, etc. all were welcome. There was a lady and her spouse who showed up as expected and it was a first time meeting in face to face. She had warned the group she and her spouse were slow and old. Ok.. no big deal. The spouse turned out to be legally blind. She was complaining of pain and we had to take her back to her vehicle for some medication. The spouse goes back to the car to get the med. for her and since he cannot see the labels brings back this entire box of pill bottles. It was a shoe box full of Rx pain killers and assorted other Rx meds. She became upset and fussed at him "You didn't have to bring the whole thing!" She was obviously upset that he allowed anyone to see what she was taking..and how much. She took a narcotic painkiller and soon was very mellow and thick tounged. She of course saw nothing wrong with driving impaired by this medication or hiking out on a trail like this.
I didn't know what to say. She was practicing polypharmacy. Different drs and pharmacies for all that narcotic. It made for a miserable weekend.
I spent the rest of the time hoping she wouldn't hurt herself or someone else by driving under the influence or by having an accident out on the trail.

My husband, myself and one other hiker were the only ones who knew what was really going on. Everyone else in the group was oblivious to this and of course treated her with polite deference. Behind her back they complained and fussed and bellyached to me about it.

I was embarrassed. 90% of the folks on the trip had a dandy time since I kept my mouth shut and kept a close eye on her. I had a terrible time and determined that while I would not embarrass her publicly I would contact her once she was safely home and let her know that things couldn't go on that way in the future. I waited until she got home and told her I wasn't down with the narcotic abuse and driving or hiking impaired. I told her she scared me and that I hoped she would get some help. She railed against me.
Let me have it with both barrels. I did this talk with her in private to avoid making a scene or hurting her. She did some calling around and "tattled" to various folks who had been along.. most of whom were 1) bitching about her and wondering what was up with her 2) told them how heartless I was and that I was treating her very unfairly.

I got a phone call about 2 days later from a dude who had been our close friend for 5 yrs plus.. telling me I was not a nice person. That I was a racist (where that came from I don't know) and that I was being really ugly to this woman. That I handled it badly. Said I should have been more diplomatic about it. Ok.. maybe I should have. I went on to tell him what had taken place. I pointed out to him very gently and tactfully that he was one of the persons most offended by her. I told him what had really been going on beneath the surface. He became highly upset and told me that I was judging him.......... and that if I could not accept her with her narcotic problem.. that I could not accept him (pot smoker) I told him I had never judged him or consider him anything but a good human being. Told him perhaps it was his own conscience convicting him, but it was not coming from me.

7 months later...... I still run into some of these people but they are very cool to me. I don't have any contact with the lady, her spouse, the dude who called me up about it, and several others who took offense.

I recognize many of my own problems as an ACOA that led up to this whole scenario. I take responsibility for the part I played in this mess.

What now? Do I just cut my losses and move on? I sorta feel betrayed.
It is easier to deal with the black and white of this situation. The folks who have let it be known how they feel. It is the ones who are nice to my face, but murmur who are hardest to take.


I don't know if I should have any further contact with any of these folks.
The one guy who was fully aware of what was going on is NOT upset with me at all.

Peter

Sounds to me like you acted as tactfully as you could.

I really do not fully understand what "your part in the whole mess was" but as an organizer for the trip I feel you acted within your right to express your concern over a matter that had the potential for disaster.

As to your other marijuana smoking friend. He may very well have issues that you are just now getting a glimpse of. Remember whatever it is it is his stuff, do not take it on. For all we know he may even be feeling a little betrayed himself because he felt you were supposed to be good friends and you left him out of the loop where this lady was concerned.....who knows....

The others...? Let it go. If none of them has the courage to come to your face and tell you what's going on let it go. Learn from the mistakes you made in the whole episode and contemplate how you would go about it next time.

The old lady and her husband may be angry with you for a long time because you called them on their stuff but the others I believe will forget in time.

Danabeeliever

Thanks. I guess I just wanted to hear it from someone else. It never feels good or right to me to lose a relationship like that. You're right. I need to let it go and move past it. I'm doing it again......... taking on burdens that aren't mine.
I do it all the time and it is an unhealthy habit I need to work on. What better way than to practice and this certainly presents an opportunity.
Just putting it down in words helps frame it up and shows me what a waste of time it is to let it worry me. Time for the short version of the Serenity Prayer........ Full throttle and Fek It.

escape artist

might be a good idea to post your "rules" up front which probably would be good protection from liabilities from such people as well. that way, you can ferret out the druggies and anyone who comes loaded knows up front that they may be exposed and expelled. that would be a good healthy boundary for you and everyone else. hope this helps.

kennethhoff

Dana-

Just my humble opinion,

We all learn from our mistakes (hopefully). You did a great job organizing this and having it go well for 5 years. Why should one experience ruin the whole thing for you? Again, in my humble opinion, the next time if these folks, not the elderly couple, but the other regular folks get together, talk to them. Tell them and be honest, don't avoid, but tell them nicely exactly what you went thru. Lay out the details so they can hear BOTH sides fairly.
I think if they did, and you could all talk together, it would loosen everyone up and you could all be back on a nicer plane.

Stuff like this hurts, but when I talk with others who go thru thier own tribulations, I always ask what they learned from it so they can choose something different the next time around. I wish I had know this 20 years ago, but I had to learn the hard way and I paid for it. So now I know better, I can do better.

I wish you the best in however it turns out!

Ken

Danabeeliever

Thanks again! Escapeartist: You are SO right. I should have done just that. It never occured to me that anyone would carry on like these folks did.
My friend who smokes pot never did it anywhere except in total private.
The only reason I knew about his pot smoking was that he told me about it long ago. I told him I wasn't down with that lifestyle and he respected it.

Ken, you are right too. Thank you. I need to get this stuff out in the open. I'm furthering the problem by remaining silent. I don't want to use the truth in such a blunt fashion that I injure folks in the process. I have been guilty of that in the past. That kind of truth telling is not healthy but rings of "I'm better than you!" I don't want to sound preachy, but just honest.
Get a clean slate and salvage what can be redeemed of this.

Great ideas. I had wanted to toss around before acting foolishly.
I haven't sat and brooded about this for 7 months. Don't get me wrong.
It is all just part of realizing what I've been doing has not worked well on alot of levels! Trying to learn to do better.

Quandry

Dana your experience is very similar to my life with my Mother. She is on pills and all sorts and EVERYONE can tell something is wrong with her...she doesn't look right and sticks out like a sore thumb. Her behaviour is scary, her driving vvvvveeerrrrry bad and everybody stresses she'll have an accident but nobody confronts her except me. When I do she rings around to tell all her family members that I am having a go at her and how hurt she is and what a bad uncaring person I am.

She does exactly as this lady has. She rallies those who don't know the story or are even that interested around her against me. Do not tolerate this behaviour. That couple are doing exactly as my mother does to protect themselves from facing what is essentiall THEIR issue. You did the right thing. You can't only think of it as a reaction with your own past but that given your experience, you are more attuned to these things. You spoke out and you had to. I admire you for your ability to be so strong and do that. I am so tired of hearing about it being about their feelings when there are people's lives to worry about first and foremost. Their behaviour is irresponsible. If they want to live like that they should not be out hiking or driving around.

I understand how you are feeling about going out and telling your side of the story. I know exactly how you feel. I always worry that I'm not being any better than them or that I'll appear to be just gossiping or doing the tit-for-tat response. But I do believe it could be the best thing for you to do. You could raise it as a group and you could say something like "I want to clarify for the group an issue that was raised some time ago . . . . which brings up the issue of members of the group who are on heavy medication and the responsibility of the group in such cases." You could take the high road and refer to their drug use in an entirely legitimate way which doesn't in any way take away from the legitimacy of your concern for their wellbeing or that of others in the group. You could outline that there are insurance and legal issues to be aware of and that anybody joining the group will need to declare their medical issues for the safety of the group. You could point out that you were forced to raise the issue because of your concern and the effect the situation had on the group as a whole.

I think you need to avoid making this sound like a 'drug addict/abuse' claim and deal only with the hard facts. Don't get make it sound like you just had a person issue with them because many people will not understand. Most don't have first hand experience with this stuff.

I wish you the best in dealing with this. I would not allow it to affect your continuing to enjoy this pasttime. You deserve better than that. And ultimately, you can ask after making your address if anybody has any concerns with regard to the issue raised or with the way it was handled and that perhaps suggestions can be made on how we can, as a group, ensure it's handled sensitively and effectively in future.

Danabeeliever

Quandary! Thank you so much. Thank everyone for taking time to read this post of mine, think it through and share with me your honest reactions.

It took a long time for me to open up about it and put this out there where others could see it. I felt I could trust this group of ACOA to understand and help me. It is most appreciated.

I agree with what you've said, Quandary. 100% of it.
What I hadn't wanted was to make it a personal vendetta or an accusatory session. I don't like confrontation and will be the first to admit it, but I will and do hit things head on when it is necessary. In reading your post about your own family I had to laugh. If I had really considered it along those lines.... I would not have been surprised OR hurt at this woman's response to my words. It would have been totally predicatable and I'd have expected it! LOL I really needed to get my head out of my butt.

In taking time to post this and read the replies I got one unexpected bonus.
It is causing me to remember things I had stuffed away. I now recall two instances where group members got stoned on hikes. How could I let something like that slip into oblivion and bury it in the back of my memory?

I feel I've been incredibly lucky nothing worse happened than what did.
This must be addressed in a non threatening , tactful way. Not as a personal attack on anyone, but to lay down ground rules to prevent future misunderstanding and possible bad outcomes. Anyone who tokes up, pills up, or boozes on a group outing will then have been warned.

It is too much work to have it ruined by someone noncompliant.
By the way.. the woman's husband was NOT a druggie or drinker. He was a co-dependent, but I am not sure if he realized with his vision what she was really up to.

In the next day or so I'm going to pray it over and find a way to put this out there for the group.

Once again.. thank you!

Danabeeliever

Well ACOA forum peeps. I wanted to report I am feeling better about my decisions since taking into account all your words of wisdom and putting it into action.
I addressed the problem with my hiking forum buds and it has given me some much needed peace, healing, and closure. Thank you folks!
It resulted in a few persons deciding mutually that we aren't good for one another and the disagreement runs deep enough that it is not going to change. That is OK!
I don't want or need to hang out with anyone who is using. In having talked it over, thought it out, and acted calmly and rationally I have managed to move on.
Now I feel I can once again enjoy a passtime that has brought me alot of happiness.