Feeling very resentful
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Feeling very resentful
I've been having a REALLY bad week and I'm kinda wallowing and being SUCH a martyr but I can't seem to snap out of it and it's annoying me!
I'm "bullying" my ABF....
Everything he says to me I'm thinking negative remarks and making sly digs and nasty comments or just not speaking to him at all, even when he's trying to be nice or cracking a joke or doing something silly to try and make me laugh.
I'm feeling VERY resentful regarding the amount of money he spends on alcohol and cigerettes. We are totally skint ALL the time. I don't have enough money to buy myself anything or even my daughter most of the time.
We get paid fortnightly, pay the bills, gets a fortnights worth of shopping in and then whats left (about £150) goes on alcohol and ciggies for the fortnight. I smoke too but about a third the amount ABF does.
Just this week we've spent £100 on absolutely nothing except for booze and fags, oh and a loaf of bread. I don't know where it all goes.
We never run short for food etc..but it would be nice to have something left over to buy myself something or something for my little girl.
If we have extra money he buys more expensive alcohol or goes to the pub.
I can never save money for a rainy day or for example, my daughters birthday, coming up next month. To buy her presents I'll have to use my birthday money (my b'day is a few days before hers and my mum spoils me rotten, so I know I'll definately have the cash), not buy myself anything but spend it on her because he spends all our spare cash.
I'm feeling resentful because nobody ever does anything for me. When I get up, nobody offers to make me a cuppa or help me with the housework etc..
Even my daughter is taking the micheal, throwing her empty crisp packets on the floor instead of putting them in the bin, leaving her clothes on the floor for me to pick up, doesn't take her dinner dishes out to the sink, EXACTLY what he does.
I feel like a doormat, here to take care of them, it's all take, take, take.
It's really wearing me down this week and I don't wanna feel like this but nobody listens or takes notice of a word I say. Nobody will even feed the cats if I'm not here. Argh!
I feel like I'm constantly on everyones back, moaning about what they're not doing, they seem happier when I'm not here, they just get on with it and aren't bothered if the house is a tip or if the cats are starving, except I am here and I hate it!
My daughter has alot more excuse as she's only a kid but then my ABF's excuse is his booze, I'm the only one without one!!
I've a feeling alot of you might say "sxxt or get off the pot", lol
It's really hard trying to get anyone to see that I need some god damn help, they don't care how tired I am or that everything is getting on top of me, they only care that they have what they want.
Am having another moan ain't I! Thanks for the place to vent! xxx
I'm "bullying" my ABF....
Everything he says to me I'm thinking negative remarks and making sly digs and nasty comments or just not speaking to him at all, even when he's trying to be nice or cracking a joke or doing something silly to try and make me laugh.
I'm feeling VERY resentful regarding the amount of money he spends on alcohol and cigerettes. We are totally skint ALL the time. I don't have enough money to buy myself anything or even my daughter most of the time.
We get paid fortnightly, pay the bills, gets a fortnights worth of shopping in and then whats left (about £150) goes on alcohol and ciggies for the fortnight. I smoke too but about a third the amount ABF does.
Just this week we've spent £100 on absolutely nothing except for booze and fags, oh and a loaf of bread. I don't know where it all goes.
We never run short for food etc..but it would be nice to have something left over to buy myself something or something for my little girl.
If we have extra money he buys more expensive alcohol or goes to the pub.
I can never save money for a rainy day or for example, my daughters birthday, coming up next month. To buy her presents I'll have to use my birthday money (my b'day is a few days before hers and my mum spoils me rotten, so I know I'll definately have the cash), not buy myself anything but spend it on her because he spends all our spare cash.
I'm feeling resentful because nobody ever does anything for me. When I get up, nobody offers to make me a cuppa or help me with the housework etc..
Even my daughter is taking the micheal, throwing her empty crisp packets on the floor instead of putting them in the bin, leaving her clothes on the floor for me to pick up, doesn't take her dinner dishes out to the sink, EXACTLY what he does.
I feel like a doormat, here to take care of them, it's all take, take, take.
It's really wearing me down this week and I don't wanna feel like this but nobody listens or takes notice of a word I say. Nobody will even feed the cats if I'm not here. Argh!
I feel like I'm constantly on everyones back, moaning about what they're not doing, they seem happier when I'm not here, they just get on with it and aren't bothered if the house is a tip or if the cats are starving, except I am here and I hate it!
My daughter has alot more excuse as she's only a kid but then my ABF's excuse is his booze, I'm the only one without one!!
I've a feeling alot of you might say "sxxt or get off the pot", lol
It's really hard trying to get anyone to see that I need some god damn help, they don't care how tired I am or that everything is getting on top of me, they only care that they have what they want.
Am having another moan ain't I! Thanks for the place to vent! xxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
That would make me feel pretty crappy and resentful too!!
Sounds like it's time to be upfront and blatantly ask for what you want and need help with!! I don't expect you'll get too much help on a continuous basis from him, but there is no harm in asking! Personally, I don't think you should 'have to ask', but sometimes that's just the way it goes, unfortunately.
As far as your daughter, how old is she? I assume that if you would like for her to do some things to help out that she is old enough to do so. Maybe just sit her down and tell her that mommy needs some help from time to time. And show her how you would like things done. Try and make a game of it at first if she is young. If she is a little older, just tell her that everyone in the household is resposnible for doing their fare share of help.
Teach her that when she helps out there are rewards, and when she doesn't help out there are consequences. You decide what those might be.
As far as the money goes, that's a tough one as I don't know who handles the money in your family. Is that something you might be able to gain a little more control over? After bills are paid, take half of what's left over and put it away for you and your daughter perhaps?
Feel free to vent away. It's better getting it out than keeping it all locked up inside and having it fester. But taking appropriate action is even a better choice as it has a chance of giving you resolution!
Sounds like it's time to be upfront and blatantly ask for what you want and need help with!! I don't expect you'll get too much help on a continuous basis from him, but there is no harm in asking! Personally, I don't think you should 'have to ask', but sometimes that's just the way it goes, unfortunately.
As far as your daughter, how old is she? I assume that if you would like for her to do some things to help out that she is old enough to do so. Maybe just sit her down and tell her that mommy needs some help from time to time. And show her how you would like things done. Try and make a game of it at first if she is young. If she is a little older, just tell her that everyone in the household is resposnible for doing their fare share of help.
Teach her that when she helps out there are rewards, and when she doesn't help out there are consequences. You decide what those might be.
As far as the money goes, that's a tough one as I don't know who handles the money in your family. Is that something you might be able to gain a little more control over? After bills are paid, take half of what's left over and put it away for you and your daughter perhaps?
Feel free to vent away. It's better getting it out than keeping it all locked up inside and having it fester. But taking appropriate action is even a better choice as it has a chance of giving you resolution!
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
(((TheMissus)))-- take some deep breaths baby!!! 
It sounds like you are doing way too much for that household.
To be blunt here, maybe they do not "take notice" b/c you do not back anything up you say with the appropriate actions. That old "actions speak louder than words" adage applies to us codies too 
. Your daughter has probably seen you waffling around with ABF for so long that she may feel you have no boundaries whatsoever. If/when you try to enforce your boundaries with her (ie-- they'll be 'this' consequence if you don't clean up after yourself in the kitchen), she may no longer take you seriously at all based on the behaviors she's witnessed from you when it comes to ABF. You must regain control of your household and the first thing you can do is to take charge of those finances...
If I remember correctly, aren't you rather financially dependent on your ABF??? If I got that wrong, please forgive me. If you are not, SEPARATE your finances immediately and do not cave into him if he "needs" money for beer and cigs. He can go get a second job if he cannot fund his own habits. If you ARE dependent on him, why won't you go and get work for yourself?? There are options out there even if you may not like them. If you don't like your options, you must look at those solutions as being temporary in nature.
I wish you all the best, but you will continue to feel this way unless you make a change. Obviously, no one else in your household is willing to do so. Don't allow yourself to be a victim Missus!!
It sounds like you are doing way too much for that household.
It's really wearing me down this week and I don't wanna feel like this but nobody listens or takes notice of a word I say.
. Your daughter has probably seen you waffling around with ABF for so long that she may feel you have no boundaries whatsoever. If/when you try to enforce your boundaries with her (ie-- they'll be 'this' consequence if you don't clean up after yourself in the kitchen), she may no longer take you seriously at all based on the behaviors she's witnessed from you when it comes to ABF. You must regain control of your household and the first thing you can do is to take charge of those finances...If I remember correctly, aren't you rather financially dependent on your ABF??? If I got that wrong, please forgive me. If you are not, SEPARATE your finances immediately and do not cave into him if he "needs" money for beer and cigs. He can go get a second job if he cannot fund his own habits. If you ARE dependent on him, why won't you go and get work for yourself?? There are options out there even if you may not like them. If you don't like your options, you must look at those solutions as being temporary in nature.
I wish you all the best, but you will continue to feel this way unless you make a change. Obviously, no one else in your household is willing to do so. Don't allow yourself to be a victim Missus!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
So I guess I'll ask "What are you doing to make the situation more tolerable for you?" It's easy to place blame, it's hard to take some of the responsibility. Tell you BF what is on your mind truthfully and start making some changes. To be crabby and obstinate about your situation does nothing at all except make you crabby and obstinate.
Like Patty said "Nothing changes if Nothing changes."
Like Patty said "Nothing changes if Nothing changes."
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I spent so long in the cycle you are in. Feeling more and more resentful because nobody cared about me, I didn't matter. I turned that anger back on my husband. I criticized, pouted, raged, complained, and was deliberately hurtful to him. He then avoided me even more, did even less to help, and was deliberately hurtful to me.
It only gets worse. Patty is right. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You only have two choices, and they both involve taking charge of your own life. You can either stay with him and learn to cope with what is. You cannot change him. Or you can leave and make a better life for yourself and your daughter. I suppose you do have the third choice of continuing on just as you are, but it will get worse and eventually one of you will have had enough pain. It probably won't be him because he has alcohol to numb it.
L
It only gets worse. Patty is right. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You only have two choices, and they both involve taking charge of your own life. You can either stay with him and learn to cope with what is. You cannot change him. Or you can leave and make a better life for yourself and your daughter. I suppose you do have the third choice of continuing on just as you are, but it will get worse and eventually one of you will have had enough pain. It probably won't be him because he has alcohol to numb it.
L
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Well I can certainly remember having those feelings and being that frustrated... that sucks...
For me I was not only REALLY bad about setting boundries but also REALLY bad about asking/telling the others I wanted/needed their help. I put it that way because I have to ask/want with ex's... but with my daughter I have a little more pull and tell/need. It took me awhile, and trust me she still slobs it if I dont say anything... but I had to nag her alot ... keep on it and when it got really bad I would just take away her privleges... and when she was snotty about it, I make her cook for me and clean my dishes. THAT worked for awhile and she did get better.
As for the BF, I dont know enough to share on that cuz Im not sure who works/takes care of the finances.... BUT, I kept seperate accounts and never deposited my checks into a joint account...
For me I was not only REALLY bad about setting boundries but also REALLY bad about asking/telling the others I wanted/needed their help. I put it that way because I have to ask/want with ex's... but with my daughter I have a little more pull and tell/need. It took me awhile, and trust me she still slobs it if I dont say anything... but I had to nag her alot ... keep on it and when it got really bad I would just take away her privleges... and when she was snotty about it, I make her cook for me and clean my dishes. THAT worked for awhile and she did get better.
As for the BF, I dont know enough to share on that cuz Im not sure who works/takes care of the finances.... BUT, I kept seperate accounts and never deposited my checks into a joint account...
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