Quandry

I've almost made the decision to have a breather from my psycho drug addict mother after many years and alot of hassles with her over this past month. Last week was once again a cyclone of emotions for her that she flings my way via phone, text and email. I was getting sooo stressed out by her that I decided to stop replying to her messages so as to end the conversations.

Anyway, as of Sunday she's a different person. Now Thursday she was flinging abuse at me, Friday it was guilt and by Sunday she's forgotten all about it and wants to continue things as they were. So last night I get a text "How was your Mother's Day love. Did you get any nice gifts? What about a trip to Ikea during the week? Love Mum".

I could just scream. For her she's over last weeks spat but for me it's taken to Sunday to regain my calm and get over it. Now I feel that I cannot reply to her at all. I am still angry. She never apologises and this is all part of her cycle. I am getting so on edge that I can't even talk to her.

What am I supposed to do? If I've decided to have a break from her, do I respond? Do I just politely refuse the invitation and leave it at that? I know this is all part of her guise to make this arguament all about me being mean and not her behaviour at all....but it's just so frustrating. I can see through it and yet....I feel obliged to respond if she's been kind.

Please help me. I am so over her rollercoaster of weekly/fortnightly emotions and the fact that no matter how friendly we are, she's always got a beef because of things I won't let her do...such as babysit my 2yo DD or have her in her car. She is highly medicated 24/7 and I can't allow it. She can barely talk most days...and she is angry at me for not trusting my own mother!! As if I'm the one with the problem.

Yet another Quandry for me!!!!

GingerM

I was where you are about a month ago. My approach was to set boundaries for my parents. "Behavior XXX is no longer tolerable to me, it is destructive and I can't be around it anymore. Please don't do XXX while in my presence." Thankfully, after much back and forth and rollercoastering, they complied. Although initially they were both so mad that they didn't want to talk to me anymore (which would still have served my purpose).

Once you've set those boundaries, when she starts in with the behavior that you can't tolerate, then you can defend those boundaries and hang up/not respond/walk out.

One of two things will happen, you'll either end up not talking to her anymore or she'll learn to respect your boundaries and the rollercoaster will stop. Either way you win.

It's not easy. It's really very much not easy. I hope you find a way to work this so that you (and your daughter) are emotionally safe as well as physically safe.

Quandry

Thank you Ginger. Thing is, now all I want is space. I need to cool down. She won't let me have it. Today alone she has sent me 3 texts (long emotional pleas) and a phone message. What does she not understand about space. She's freaking out that this will be the end of our relationship and she uses DD to levy me.

For each day she doesn't give me space it's another day I need. She doesn't get it.

GGrrrr. She is just chasing me away now. I don't have any desire to see her at all. I can't even think of talking with her. I have no love or compassion left in me. I think it's probably fueled by my pregnancy. I am in survival protective mode and she is threatening my state of mind and emotional wellbeing. I cannot have that, not on her terms, not ever!

I think I will ignore her for now. If she gives me a week of undisturbed peace, I'll think about my boundaries and contact her. Not until then though.

Thanks again for your words. I really hope it's getting easier for you. It sounds like you've really definate what your boundaries are in respect to their particular behaviour. With my mum it's become so blurry that it's all of her behaviour now. She's emotionally unstable and that's the bit I can't handle...and that is so hard to explain to someone who IS so unstable!!! Catch 22. She will never get it. I sort of feel we will never get along again. I just need to learn to see her once every blue moon and have her be happy with that. She wants a super close relationship and that's just not on offer any more.

GingerM

Is there a way to block her calls/text messages?

Or do you think it would work at all if you were to ask her to not contact you for two weeks, then you'll contact her? Or would she just ignore it anyway.

I didn't expect my parents to honor my boundaries at all. I was ready to fully detach if they didn't. It sounds like that's what you need to do, at least temporarily.

If you tell her to cease contact for a few weeks, perhaps reassuring her that when you're in a better place, you will contact her and that this isn't the end of your relationship, just a breather, I would suggest blocking her calls and her emails.

At least if you don't have that same thorn poking you in the side for a few weeks, the irritation might dissipate a bit and leave you better able to deal with it when it starts poking you again.

Of course, all of this is just guess work. For me, things are sorting themselves out slowly, although my dad threatened twice to quit speaking to me, and my response was 'If that's what you want". I, too, needed to have the weirdness stop, and if detachment was the only way to make it stop, I was ready for that.

I hope you can find something that does work for you. Especially now when you're pregnant - you don't need that stress.

Quandry

Ginger you've been an absolute godsend. You've just said everything I needed to hear. I want to detach for a couple of weeks but not have her freak about it. So this morning I got an email from her (after 3 texts yesterday and one phone message) and rather than ignore it as I had the others I replied. I asked her to give me 2 weeks space without contact and that everything is fine and we will see her in 2 weeks. I explained that I needed space to destress and get myself into a better frame of mind. I hope she can respect my wishes. If she does it will go better for her and my ability to deal with her. If not, I'll just ignore from now on. She knows EXACTLY what I am asking...so no excuses now. I've asked this twice now...I will not ask again.

Thanks again Ginger. I really hope this can lead me back to being able to tolerate her. Somebody else mentioned that if I cannot deal with this type of stuff in my life I have the right not to....and that's what I'm holding on to. This isn't a 'normal' situation and I don't have to put up with it.

GingerM

Crossing my fingers for you that it works and that she respects your boundaries.

And yup! You're a grownup now, you don't have to put up with anything you don't want to anymore. No one can make you eat peas or 'play nice' anymore