Quandry

I've almost made the decision to have a breather from my psycho drug addict mother after many years and alot of hassles with her over this past month. Last week was once again a cyclone of emotions for her that she flings my way via phone, text and email. I was getting sooo stressed out by her that I decided to stop replying to her messages so as to end the conversations.

Anyway, as of Sunday she's a different person. Now Thursday she was flinging abuse at me, Friday it was guilt and by Sunday she's forgotten all about it and wants to continue things as they were. So last night I get a text "How was your Mother's Day love. Did you get any nice gifts? What about a trip to Ikea during the week? Love Mum".

I could just scream. For her she's over last weeks spat but for me it's taken to Sunday to regain my calm and get over it. Now I feel that I cannot reply to her at all. I am still angry. She never apologises and this is all part of her cycle. I am getting so on edge that I can't even talk to her.

What am I supposed to do? If I've decided to have a break from her, do I respond? Do I just politely refuse the invitation and leave it at that? I know this is all part of her guise to make this arguament all about me being mean and not her behaviour at all....but it's just so frustrating. I can see through it and yet....I feel obliged to respond if she's been kind.

Please help me. I am so over her rollercoaster of weekly/fortnightly emotions and the fact that no matter how friendly we are, she's always got a beef because of things I won't let her do...such as babysit my 2yo DD or have her in her car. She is highly medicated 24/7 and I can't allow it. She can barely talk most days...and she is angry at me for not trusting my own mother!! As if I'm the one with the problem.

Yet another Quandry for me!!!!

TheGirlInside

Quandry,

I'm up past my bedtime, so pardon if I'm not as coherent as I might otherwise be.

I have recently just figured something out for myself (grew up screwed up, as I like to say). One of our major family patterns is to watch one or more person meltdown, and then just sweep it under the rug, and pretend everything is just peachy-keen. I've always felt very frustrated by that.

The thing I figured out is: I need to distance myself from my family of origin so that I can become strong enough to deal with them.

For the most part, I can get along okay with everyone except my mom and my (older) sister...who lives at home and treats me like I'm her errant child.

But, my problem is that I have children, who love their grandma and cousins, so I attend for their sake, but get out of it whenever I can.

At Easter, I was able to call my mother's place and tell them that I could not handle a family get-together right now. I didn't miss the drama one bit.

In answer to what are you supposed to do? Put yourself first. If she is damaging your beliefs about yourself (which it sounds like she is), then you need to do what is best for you, as long as it is not abusive to her.
NOTE: I did NOT say "as long as it doesn't hurt her," because addicted people will pull all sorts of emotional mind games, telling us that we are hurting them by asserting ourselves and protecting ourselves from them. Don't fall for it.

If I've decided to have a break from her, do I respond?
Do I just politely refuse the invitation and leave it at that?

I think that depends on how you think she will react. If she will accept it (even if only on the surface), you may want to tell her that you just need a little time, or simply "no, thank you." You can tell her that you've made plans (to take care of your own needs), or that you have a previous commitment (meetings, reading, self-care). My mother never lets it drop at those quick answers. She insists upon asking and asking until I finally get pissed off and answer. My responsibility there is to cut the conversation short before it gets to that point.
If, however, you think she will react abusively towards you, then you might rather just ignore her for a while...will she quit, or will ignoring her merely escalate the abuse? Go with what you know about her...and with what you know about how it will affect you.

Finally, have you found any meetings? Do you have a sponsor? or simply someone who you feel safe talking to? If you haven't done so yet, get a couple phone numbers at your next meeting (if you're going to meetings)...so that you can consult with someone on more personal level.

Al-anon, CoDA, ACOA, Nar-Anon might all be good places to start for meetings. For me, I find a real value in simply speaking my truth out loud to a roomful of understanding faces.


Kari

"I'll See It When I Believe It."

Pick-a-name

Hi; sorry you are going thru this.........I know we al can relate on some level to the A-drama and then it is as if a black-hole (blackout?) swallowed it up and then it's "business as usual"...ugh! And then it does get ignored, at least that is the way it was/is here, because we are already into the next nutty situation or just sheer exhaustion and the biggest reasn for me: it doesn't matter, except for what you are deciding...MY choices.

I believe, if it was me, I would just say something to the effect of; "Sorry, I'm working on somethings I have to do and I'm going to be tired up with that for awhile. I'll check back with you later"...something like that.

Good luck.

With my RAS yesterday we were talking and she started "acting/talking alcoholically" and I first gently tried to re-route the conversation, then I said that she and our brother needed to work whatever out for themselves (she was trying to put me in the middle) and finally, when that didn't work I just said; "I am not going to discuss that subject further" and changed to a completely different topic. That time she let it drop and we talked about something else. In the past, if she STILL wanted to continue, I just wrapped up the call and told her to call me back later if she had something else she wanted to talk about. period. I do that to my dad now,too. I don't have the mental energy to waste on the nonsense.

Very frustrating!

Good luck..bet there will be lots of good advice coming about this situation. I like what Kari already posted.

megamysterioso

(((Qaundry)))-- you and your mother are going through the very predicable cycle of addiction. Since she is unwilling to stop the cycle, you must if you want to keep your sanity. I think you deserve a breather from the sound of your post. Stepping out of all the drama will bring you a sense of peace and will allow you to focus on yourself and your own recovery.

I personally would not respond at all and would take this opportunity to focus on my own growth. Your mother will undoubetedly try and guilt trip into thinking that you're an "uncaring daughter" blah, blah, blah, but that is the addiction talking. Do not fall victim to these very predictable patterns. Step away from all this for a little while if not for good. Leave her to find her own way and in her own time. You don't have to contribute to her madness. When she realizes that her dancing partner is no longer there, she will have to change her way of dancing in some way. Best of luck.

Quandry

Thank you all of you. I had to make a quick decision because she sent another message saying that she will call tonight. I was freaking out about that. At first I asked my DH if he would take the call and just tell her I was needing some time out, no stress, just a breather. But it just bothered me to do that so I sent her an sms. In her message she said she wants to make a mends because she is sorry for upsetting me etc etc. I thanked her for her words and told her that I just needed some time out for a while. I haven't heard back which is a good sign.

In her sms she says that I should be happy because she has respected my wishes (which were to give me a break)...well, that was approx. 1 day before the messages started. She has no concept of time. You wait...in a day or so she'll be freaking out again.

But, I'm happy with what I did. I didn't want to respond but I'll start slowly on this one. I'll try the courteous route first, and in failing that, I'll go the total break. It's really up to her.

The biggest issue now is that she'll use my little one as a tool to get back into my life. She gets all angry and tells me that I have no right stopping her from seeing DD. I said that if I am not ready to see her then that is it, she can't see DD either! Makes perfect sense to me. She even threatened taking me to court about it before. She would never do that, but it just shows how hard she'll fight to deny her situation.

This is going to go on forever and I really have to equip myself now. I am gaining strength with every passing day and blessed to have found the support here on this site. I haven't made the step to go back to group yet mainly because we are in the middle of a buy, sell and build scenario leaving us about as broke as we haven't been since both of us were fulltime uni students I have to bide my time, but it's not wasted time.

Thank you all again. You give me the strength to take on each day and each issue as it comes. I was getting scared because I don't actually want to resolve it with mum at the moment. I want a big break. I am angry, frustrated and overwhelmed and that just can't go away with one nice friendly conversation. She is so morbidly obese, red puffy face and eyes, sweats like you have never seen, wiping herself non stop with a rag (in the middle of winter!!!), trying so darn hard to keep those teeny eyes open, talking partial nonsense that always results in tears but you can see she's trying so hard to keep it together for me, falling over, hurting herself accidently, then after she thinks she's done a good job for an hour or two (with non stop coffee mind) she'll relax on my couch and go on the nod. Well done mum. I call that normal!!!!!! She will never see what I see and has settled on this way of life. I don't think I'll ever accept it and therefore never accept her.

mallowcup

I'd keep it simple without explantion. If it doesn't give you peace, stay away from it.

megamysterioso

Realistically though- no court would ever condone unsupervised visits of a child with an alcoholic anyone. I hope she does not go that route b/c it would be shameful for HER. Don't let any guilt trip she tries to put on you about your child work on you. It is in your child's best interest IMO to not have to bear witness to someone he/she loves wreck themselves with addiction.

You don't have to accept her behavior or her way of life. It is very sad that the A cannot fully see the devastating effects that alcohol has on their own physical appearance, their family members and their own peace of mind. There is nothing you can really do, but you don't have to stand around and watch her destroy herself. Prayers to you and your family.

Quandry

Thank you guys. I thought it was done but the next day she starts up again...of course. Phoning, 3 texts and it wasn't going to stop. I sent her an email and outlined what I wanted. Very clear but short. I asked her for 2 weeks of no contact. I explained I need a breather and that everything is ok. I reassured her that DD will not forget her and we can see her after that time has ended.

She hasn't responded, thankfully but my brother (who lives with her) says she is going out of her mind. She has phoned every member of her family (7brothers and sisters) and told them to not believe a word I say etc etc etc. Then breaking down in tears to each and every one of them. I know they love and care for her, and they will stand by her, but they love me too. I will not indulge her in this battle to discredit me or make me the villian. It's tough to think that your whole family may think you've been horrible to your poor old mother but I know what is right and what is going on, they don't.

Anyway, I'm standing strong. If she keeps up trying to slander me she'll only make things worse for herself. I have now had about 3 days of NO CONTACT!!!! This is the longest in years. I am starting to feel soooo much better about it all. At times I think I could even tolerate seeing her...but I'll wait 2 weeks out of principle.

Thanks again for your support.

megamysterioso

Stay strong with that b/c you are right on. It is very natural for the A to blame anyone/everyone else for his/her problems and play victim. You know the truth of the matter and you are simply looking after YOUR OWN NEEDS and the needs of your child first. There is nothing wrong with that and if others cannot see it, then so be it.

Keep your resolve and wait the 2 weeks! DO NOT break this barrier that you have set for yourself. If you do, your mother will know that her manipulation worked and she will test it from here to Sunday going forward. Enjoy the peace and quiet that these 2 weeks will bring you. You deserve this break.