WishingOnAStar

hi. I've been separated from my fiance (not by choice) for about 3 months now, last contact about 6 weeks ago. He was my first love when we were 14 years old, together for 3 years then, separated for 7 years, found each other again and were together for 4 years this time around. Going back into the relationship I knew that he was a heavy drinker, and he knew it bothered me so he quit. And things were perfect. We got engaged, started planning out our life together. Then I started finding empty beer cans which he "knew nothing about" and he became very jealous of my friends, especially the male ones who I was friends with for years. The final blow was he believed a rumor to be true and said that he needed space. And he started drinking openily again. This has effected me tremendously, as I have been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, and I am now on an anti-depressant and a sleeping pill. I have never had any experience with alcohoism before this. Every day I constantly am thinking what did I do wrong in the relationship, why did he stop loving me. It hurts because I know who he really is. If anyone can share ANYTHING, a story, experience, advice, it is GREATLY appreciated. I really don't know what to do because I love this man so much.

leviathon

You are taking it all wrong, what is wrong with him, not you.

Addicts are incredibly self centered and selfish. As I don't know the history b/n you two I can't speak specifically, it is likely that he started drinking again and made the choice of it over you.

That is a choice that no one can make but him and no one but him can unmake it.

Levi

1_day@_a_time

Suggest you look at the alanon (1) site here, and check out meetings in your area. (2)

(1) http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...of-alcoholics/

It's an awesome program.

(2) http://www.nnjaa.org/area44/districts.php

(you can call the AA office and ge tthe Alanon phone #)

They talk about the 3 C's.

Didn't cause it.

Can't control it.

Can't cure it.

Hope you will stick around and let us know how you are doing!

Tom

BSPGirl

Here's a link I always found useful: http://www.smartrecovery.org/resourc...e_who_care.htm

CarolD

My guess...as an alcoholic...he wants to drink more than be a responsible caring partner.
It has nothing to do with you.

Love does not win over addiction.

aloneagainor

Hi Wishing,
Really, do contact Al-anon or at least begin by reading the postings on that link here. That you're beating yourself up wondering what you did wrong makes my heart ache. You really need to inform yourself about the addict mindset. Their first love is their drug. They're possessive and protective of it, and if you are a threat to it, you get pushed aside. They don't even need a reasonable excuse, excuses are forming in line in their brain just waiting to be used as the next reason to use. Active addicts/ alcoholics don't have the capacity for deeply involved relationships such as marriage requires. He needs to be healthy before he can give anything more to you. That's not in your power to control. All you can do is let him know that you love him, but most important, you take care of yourself. Take this time that you're separated from him as an opportunity to learn and grow and improve yourself. You'll be better for it. I wish you well, Wishing.

WishingOnAStar

Thank you to everyone who responded. It's just hard because I have had little experience with alcoholism and I don't know if this is really the case or if this is just me making this a reason as to why the relationship ended so that I had something I could accept. It really helps to know that there are others who have similar situations and are willing to share. I know that I have to take care of myself, and I have been by talking to a therapist and doing research. But it seems that the more I find out, the more confused I get. Has anyone read any good books that have helped them? Thanks

CarolD

Start with '"Co Dependent No More" by M. Beattie
and get to an Al anon meeting it is soo healing.

missnovember28

Hi wishing, you do need to go to alanon if you don't have the disease of drug or alchol addiction you will not understand.All that matters to him right now is the drink.he needs to hit bottom before he will get help.he does need a good support system so please don't give up on him.i was addicted to heroin and i went into a rehab and i am 21 days clean and i couldn't do it with out my support system. he will come to his senses sooner or later like i said he needs to hit his bottom.he dosen't mean to hurt you its the disease that takes over. wish you all the luck in the world.