deettah

I had a conversation with my AH yesterday. We were talking about our 1 year anniversary (which is today) and he stated that it bothered him how many holidays we missed together this year because of all the things that have been going on between us. No birthday, no Christmas, no new years, no Easter and now our first anniversary. I told him that it bothered me too but that I wasn't going to dwell on it because then it may cause me to lose focus and I didn't want past things that I couldn't change to ruin my day or take away from me healing me. He then said to me "It doesn't bother you.", (He later recanted and said that he meant to say that it seemed to him like it didn't bother me.) and I was irritated by that because I felt like he was having a pity party and projecting his frustration onto me, not to mention that he cannot tell ME how I feel. The he got angry because he thought I was getting defensive. I reiterated that these things do bother me, I'd have to be heartless for them not to but again I wasn't going to let them consume me. They were the past and can't be changed. He is still frustrated by my reaction today. Honestly I feel there is nothing to celebrate at this point. I am saddened by the fact that so many milestones were taken from me and now my first anniversary but I don't see how drudging it up is helping. He says he wasn't drudging, that he was simply telling me how he felt. Then why accuse me of not caring????? Argh!!!!!!!!!!

robina

Special occasions (holidays, birthdays, etc..) can be landmines for families that are troubled by alcoholism. Knowing it's a special day and that we should be having happy times with loves ones, makes the pain worse.

I hope you and your husband can heal this disagreement, and work towards having happy days from now on.

God Bless

ASpouse

I guess my question is, why did he bring this up int he first place? Did he ever take any responsible for missing these milestones in your first year together.

Nope, to me, this sounds like a fisherman trying to reel in the big one before it gets away. He's hooked and baited the line, right now you are nibbling at the bait, and he's trying to make you bite down and get hooked don't do it.

If you are being argumentative, then so what? You have a good reason to be. Me, I'd say "well I'm sorry you feel that way, perhaps this year will be different." and let it go.

To me, it sounds as if he is trying to make you feel as guilty as he is feeling .... don't do it!

When my husband was drinking, there was no way in hell he was going to ruin my holidays .... I went without him, I had a good time with family and friends. He didn't! It was not my problem, nor was it my choice that he didn't celebrate or participate. It was HIS!

Don't let this bother you ..... it's the insanity of an alcoholic.

megamysterioso

Hi Deettah and I think that he is trying to lure you into feeling a sense of false guilt. Do NOT be suckered into that! Practically every single holiday I've ever had with AH was ruined in some way by the drinking binge. Those were always the perfect occassion for him to go "balls to the wall." I for one would RATHER spend my holidays alone in my apartment than with a drunk who would barely remember the holiday the next day. "Maybe next year will be different" as Judy suggested would be a good place to leave that conversation. Please do your best to not let this type of baiting eat you alive.

deettah

Thanks everyone. I let him know that I wasn't going to let it bother me and that my hopes were that he could get healthy and I could get healthy so that we could enjoy future holidays together and he accepted that and apologized for reacting the way he did. He said that the saddness of it got his head spinning and he lost his perspective on things and they way they should be right now. I hope that he can keep his focus.

ASpouse

Personally, I could care less if he keeps his focus, I will pray that you can keep yours.